MeandO's money-shuffling

MeandO

The ex has failed to take DS to the hospital/seek medical advice on numerous occasions when DS has been injured or severely unwell. I have no confidence that the ex will ever do the right thing by him or look after him as he should. Nobody in authority wants to know over the years though. I have tried asking for help, seeking advice, and no agency / individual with the power to help, actually did anything. In fact, I got laughed at once because of the job the ex had at the time which basically meant (in their eyes) he was untouchable by SS. This is what I have been battling with for most of DS's life, yet DS and everybody close to the ex still believes the Ex is a wonderful father because of the dialogue he gives them, the FB posts he makes and the lies he's told them about me. This is what I have been putting up with and this is why I am so very tired and burnt out. Living with narcissistic abuse is not an easy life and there is no let up, even after leaving him, in fact it has got 100 times worse.

MeandO

Mrs_Money_Penny said:

Poor you and I feel sorry for your son. This sport must have really put him off breaking another bone. Your ex should of taken him to the hospital not you. Sending hugs x

You'd think so Mrs_Money_Penny, wouldn't you, but DS is insisting on training and playing this week despite injury and despite being told twice at the hospital, he is not to do any sports until healed. The ex has encouraged him by saying it's not a major injury and so he should be fine. He then tells DS and everybody else that I am being controlling, OTT and making an issue out of everything and DS argues with me about playing and how I'm making an issue out of something minor.  Meanwhile, I have to sit back and watch DS potentially injure himself further and we all know who will be sat with him in A&E when we have to go back.

badmemory

I really don't know how you deal with this.  At least when my ex left, we moved & he was never seen again & became just a financial pain.  I suspect I would not have coped at all well if he had been causing my DS unnecessary pain.  I still occasionally have the odd retaliation dream which involves striking in the lower torso area.  Easily reached by me as he is over a foot taller.  I don't know how you stay so strong, other than that is what you have to do to protect your child.

Have you ever tried guided dreams.

foxgloves

Yes, ditto from me. You do come across as a strong, decent & very caring person, @MeandO. You are in a difficult situation & I hope it helps, even if just a tiny bit, that you can come on here & sound off about how dreadful your ex's attitude is. It's more difficult while your son is still a child. Things may change as he moves into adulthood when he may develop more sense of agency in terms of what activities he takes part in.
I'm afraid I still haven't got over the pizza saga yet. If you needed a single incident to illustrate the problem, this would surely be high on the list. Never met the man but I want to squish his face down into that hot cheese & tomato sauce....& is it wrong to hope for lots of chillies?
F x

MeandO

Thank you badmemory & foxgloves x. I’ve deleted some of the detail on the previous post for anonymity and, to be honest, it upsets me to re read it. I’ve had a week of feeling really upset, anxious and distressed and like I’ve gone back several years.  I’ve decided I need to try and let things go, stay calm and not react to situations so much. It’s really hard where DS is involved and I’m trying to do the best by him and for him, but this week has shown me that I need to step back and let him deal with disagreements with his father himself as me trying to step in to put his side across just backfires on me. DS asked me to speak to his father this time, but I’m going to have to leave it to him unless it gets out of control. I think only then he will see what his father is like and what I have been dealing with for so long. 

I have also watched some YouTube videos on co-parenting with a narcissist and they have been insightful. I’m going to try and adopt some of the suggestions to try and protect myself and my MH.  

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Anyway onto more positive things… 

My mortgage is finally below £50K! £49,869.55 to be precise. That feels like a big landmark to me and I’m proud of myself for getting there quite quickly so I will celebrate that and give myself a pat on the back.:) 

MeandO

Had to swap devices as my battery died… so, my mortgage is finally under £50K which I know is still an awful lot of money still owed, but considering it was £125k just 6 years ago, I am proud of myself.  

I have also been on a bit of a decluttering mission and sorted through two files of old paperwork at the weekend. The result was two bin bags of shredding ready for recycling, a bag full of non recyclable stuff, an empty and somewhat battered box file, plus a big plastic storage box with a cracked lid now empty and ready to go the the tip. I also had a bit of an amnesty of bits that hadn’t sold on vinted, another clear through of my wardrobe and the spare room and filled two bin bags full which I took to the charity shop yesterday. It was very cathartic to shred years of student loan paperwork and other stuff from the past which is no longer needed. I now have minimal paperwork and It seems I’ve also inspired OH a bit as he has also spent the week clearing out drawers, cupboards and wardrobes.

I had shopping delivered today from sainsbos as their stock availability was better than 0cad0, prices were comparable, but it was a bit of a disaster. 3 boxes of 10 eggs arrived smashed and I have had to phone up to get most of the soft fruit, some veg and salad refunded as it is all bruised, mushy and appears to have been kept too cold all day and then gone soggy once warmed up. The berries I’d ordered also didn’t turn up. Not impressed. I spent just over £71 but just under £20 is being refunded to me. I will stick to The O shop in future whilst I still have the free delivery pass. I am finding online shopping helps me not to overspend. 

I accidentally sent a CC payment to a recently closed account/card last week instead of to my new CC provider (0% deal for 2 years ) and so I phoned up to get that refunded today. £35 will be winging its way back to me this week.
There is a balance on the new card as I have put some Christmas shopping on there, but I will shortly transfer the money from the gifts pot to cover it. I’m only using the CC for the points.

Today I took advantage of the MSE group switch deal and finally was able to transfer my fuel to a cheaper provider. Fingers crossed it goes through this time and there are no issues from my current provider like last time. It should save me about £15 a month plus there is £20 cash back.  I am also £200 in credit with the old provider so that should be refunded. I will put it in the savings for now in case I need to cover any deficit with the new provider over the winter.

I think that’s all for now, lots of positives to celebrate and that’s what I’m going to try and focus on from now on. Xx

debtfreewannabe321

Gosh we really do have similar lives. My ex also failed to seek medical help for our eldest son years ago and SS actually got Involved (this was to do with rugby I don't know what sport yours is but I bet it's similarly aggressive?) and because of ex's job they didn't take it any further either. 
When he was in the process of 'stealing' our youngest child from my home he used his work email as if to throw his weight around that he knew better than me and was more responsible...I need to find these YT videos too. Although tbh since DS2 went ex and I have have had zero contact over the last month. It's been lovely. 

MeandO

debtfreewannabe321 said:

Gosh we really do have similar lives. My ex also failed to seek medical help for our eldest son years ago and SS actually got Involved (this was to do with rugby I don't know what sport yours is but I bet it's similarly aggressive?) and because of ex's job they didn't take it any further either. 
When he was in the process of 'stealing' our youngest child from my home he used his work email as if to throw his weight around that he knew better than me and was more responsible...I need to find these YT videos too. Although tbh since DS2 went ex and I have have had zero contact over the last month. It's been lovely. 

Wow, I think we’re living parallels lives, DFW321. Yes, rugby, injuries on numerous occasions. 

Also as a baby with a head injury after an accident which he denied but I later found out had happened after all, and an illness which put DS in hospital, and the broken tooth where the ex said there was ‘no damage’ and didn’t seek dental advice despite half DS’s adult tooth missing… I could go on… 
and yes, the ex wore his work ID ‘lanyard’ to meetings and kept dropping in ‘I’m in (profession which should know better) ‘to try and boost their opinion of him. He still does this whenever there is anything to attend at DS’s school.

I’m starting to think we may have the same ex! 😂 

The videos are by a guy called ‘Jimmy on relationships.’ The few I’ve been watching have helped me and I’m trying to adopt some of his suggestions. They may be worth a watch despite the no contact now. 

I know what you mean about the no contact being a relief. I had one day yesterday of not hearing from the ex and it was just that - a relief.  Sending hugs, hope you are feeling a bit more rested and recharged now.  Xx

MeandO

A few more small wins: I’ve sent £75 to the SHTF pot (ISA) to get it up to £500. It is also the start of next year’s 10% mortgage op pot.
I’ve paid the balance off the CC and sent a little bit more to the gifts pot to round it up. There’s £1K in that now which I’m pleased with. 

I’ve also managed to find some trainers DS wants for Christmas for £10 cheaper than the cheapest price I previously found (and ordered, and returned as they were the wrong size), so they’ve been ordered to put away. 

DS and I have had a calm evening with a lovely chat earlier, so I’m very thankful for that. 

OH brought me some food tonight, I had forgotten to plan or cook anything for myself and I cba, but he insisted. He has been doing his utmost to look after me and support me this week, he knows I’ve been struggling. He’s not a natural or intuitive at knowing how to help people and often doesn’t know what to do or how best to support, which can sometimes come across as being dismissive or not caring, but I can see he’s trying really hard, so I feel grateful for that this week too. (I’m sure there’s a bit of neurodivergence there tbh as I’ve noticed he struggles to read people a lot and doesn’t pick up on a lot of cues and can be quite blunt, but it doesn’t need to be explored now. His is who he is.)

So lots of positives and lots to be grateful for… and now I’ll be extremely grateful to get into my bed! Sweet dreams all and thank you as ever for your continued support, it really does mean so much. Xx

weenancyinAmerica

May I suggest that you keep a file (can be online) of copies of your posts about the ex's behavior so you can show the days things have happened and show his attitude and treatment of his son. You can make copies of the entries and keep them in a word file if that would help. You may be able to make complete copy of your diary (would recommend it as a few years ago a number of the diaries disappeared and I'm not sure all of them were found.)