MeandO's money-shuffling

debtfreewannabe321

The fact your ex even thinking of allowing your DS to walk home on an unsafe route just says everything about the situation. Could your OH help out with childcare so you're still able to get to a couple of exercise classes per week? I think for your mental health it's important to keep these things going. Even if you have to change days or times around a bit. So sorry you're going through this 🫂

badmemory

DFW - I suspect that the majority opinion about her ex would be largely unprintable & getting worse by the day.

I suspect that eventually, much as it may hurt, you are going to have to suggest to DS that he goes to live with your ex as he "seems to be so unhappy living with you".  We all know how that is going to end, but it may be the only answer.

MeandO

Hello all, thank you for your last comments Newstartfromme, Mrs_Money_Penny, DFW123 & badmemory.
DS isn't unhappy living with me and he frequently says how much he loves our house and loves being home, he often can't wait to get back from his Father's. The issue is that he defends his father to the Nth and this is what causes conflict, such as the walking home issue "Dad has to work" (as if his Father's activities are more important than everyone else's), but it's evident that he's repeating his father's justifications for things to turn on the guilt to try and make him feel sorry for him and as if he's the victim in everything. I think DS is trying to appease his father constantly. He does everything he asks of him and tries so hard to be the person the ex wants him to be in terms of sporting pursuits and interests in order to make his Dad happy, believing this will win him the spot of being his Dad's no.1, but he doesn't understand yet that this will never happen as the ex will only ever be able to put himself first. DS knows I will always do anything for him and will always provide for him. He doesn't have that from his Father.

I have withdrawn myself from trying to discuss what's right/wrong this week and I have taken a step back in the 'Why's' and am just doing what needs to be done for DS when he needs something from me. Basically, I've realised that me trying to discuss things with DS has been the start of disagreement and conflict at times and it doesn't do either of us any good. We had a talk about things after a bit of a disagreement at the weekend and DS told me he feels like I 'nag' him at times and go on about things too much even though he can see I'm just trying to help (his words, which I appreciated). I could see his point of view and so apologised and said I will do my utmost to try and change how I deal with issues. I've tried really hard to just 'chill out' and let DS take the reins with certain things and have just left him be to deal with issues with the promise that he just has to ask if he needs anything. I've also not engaged in any discussions that I feel are getting heated or argumentative and we've had a much calmer week as a result. DS has also come to me on several occasions to ask for my opinion or help and has seemed, on the whole, much happier and less 'closed.' I am hoping we've turned a corner. He still defends his father's actions and was over-animated and trying to appease him on a phone call to him yesterday but I am not getting involved any more.

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As for money, I have none. It was all going so well 3 weeks into the month and it was looking like I would actually have a good chunk of the budgets leftover for the first time ever, but I fell into 'Floof it' mode and fell into the emotional spending trap. I bought some new saucepans (£25) as the non-stick coating had more than unstuck on some of mine and was coming off in chunks. They were 18+ years old, mind. I also bought a £1.50 resistance band for some exercise, a warm snuggly duvet set for DS's bed for the Winter, reduced to £14, £4 went on two tops in the charity shop, £15 on some new Pj's for myself which I will give to my parents to give me for Christmas (they will refund me when I see them) and I've booked a hotel for an event I have committed to in a couple of weeks (which may hopefully be money-making, fingers crossed). I have bought several Christmas gifts for DS too as I saw them at good prices, but that has all been covered by the Christmas pot.

I've also gone over the grocery budget as I left it too late to book a delivery before we ran out of things so ended up going grocery shopping and deviating from the list when I saw offers. I sold something on ebay for £45, so that has gone towards covering the overspend, along with a bit of money-shuffling. £5 has been made on v!inted, but that's yet to clear.

Thankfully, it's payday tomorrow. My new payslip is online already and shows a net increase in take home pay of about £61 a month after everything has been deducted. Disappointing on a pay rise of nearly £1100 per year, but that's Tax, NI and pension contributions for you.   Unfortunately my UC will also decrease so I won't be that much better off, if at all. I won't know by how much for another week or so though.

Next month I need to do much, much better... 

I have made the most of the dry weather and 4 loads of washing were done and line-dried yesterday. My laundry basket was empty, but it seems to have filled again overnight thanks to DS emptying various bags and producing sports kit that was previously forgotten about. I'm glad it's dry again so that can be pegged out.

I'm still having trouble with the leaking kitchen roof so no rain for a couple of days has been a huge relief. I've asked a neighbour's son to take a look at it for me as he's in the trade, hopefully he can fix it, I'd rather pay him than pay another £500+ to someone who doesn't fix the issue again. 

It was such a nice day yesterday, it was so nice yesterday to open all the windows and let the air pour through the house. I got loads of housework done too and cleaned practically every surface downstairs that doesn't move including the top of the kitchen cupboards (whilst up on a ladder!). I also scrubbed the bathrooms, window frames and downstairs loo, touched up some paint in the kitchen and gave some walls a scrub with some mould & mildew remover to remove some spots that appear yearly. I was so bored at the weekend that I cleared out and reorganised all of my kitchen drawers and cupboards so now everything is clean, tidy and in its proper place. Even the dreaded Tupperware drawer! Today I'm going to try and get upstairs dusted and then hoover through before the weekend. 

I hope it's sunny wherever you are and you're able to enjoy the sunshine. It's definitely a free mood-booster. xx

foxgloves

@MeandO - Don't feel bad about replacing those old pans. The advice re the older non-stick stuff seems to be that they should be replaced once the surface starts to degrade rather than have plasticised bits flaking off into our food. Newer non-stick cookware is better, I think, as has had one of the potentially dodgy substances taken out. I think £25 to replace those old pans was money well spent, so I think you can remove £25's worth of 'pan guilt' right away 🙂!
In-store offers when grocery shopping can be a real temptation, can't they, especially when it's products you do buy regularly. We saw a 3 for 2 on something recently. Mr F was all for putting them in the trolley but I knew I'd budgeted £52 max for that shop, as we'd fully meal-planned & written a good tight list. I knew we'd only be about £12 over if we bought the offer, so not a lot, but I stood there thinking which other part of our budget would take the hit to make up for it & decided I didn't really want to take the overspend from any of them. And when I said to Mr F, "Well, it could come off next month's groceries or our Holiday Pot or Car Fund, etc, he decided we did actually only need one of whatever it was too. I always say it's not a good offer if we don't need it, but it's not quite so clear cut on groceries when it is a regularly bought item.
But, @MeandO....defo no new pan guilt, please.
F x