MeandO's money-shuffling

ArtyJ931

Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it. I could have a list as long as both arms, my legs and the dogs’ legs too of things I should have done differently but that way misery lies. Onwards and upwards and all will be ok xx

Newstartforme

Lovely to hear things are a bit better . Hope work improves, it sounds tough for you , are there no adjustments they could make to help you ? OH sounds so kind and caring . All I read at moment are complaints re V*nted !

MeandO

Thanks Arty & NewStart xx

I knew I was tempting fate by saying things were a bit better. 🤨 DS has thoroughly messed me about tonight and I’ve ended up driving round to three different places to pick him up after this event, with him repeatedly changing arrangements or just plain ignoring me to save face in front of friends. Have told him he’s taking the mick and he needs to communicate better with me prior to events if he wants to go for food with friends or do something else other than arranged. It’s too late when I’m sat in a dark car park, freezing, waiting for him. Not to mention it’s a school night and it’s late. He’s kicked right off and is apparently just going to stay with his Dad whenever he wants to go out as his dad or dad’s gf will pick him up when he wants with no problem. I know for certain that’s not true! He’s more than burnt bridges with his father in the past with regards to being picked up and changing things! His Dad is more strict on that than I am. I tried to calmly talk to him about how to communicate better next time so he can do what he wants and I know when to pick him up so it’s fair on us both, but he was having none of it. Wouldn’t listen, just talked over me telling me to go away and stop talking, so I gave up.
So I’m the world’s worst parent again tonight. Perhaps I’ll get a badge soon…

He didn’t eat the food I made him before he went out, despite asking me to reheat it for him around 6pm, so asked to have it when he got back. Now he refused to eat it when he got back home in defiance, so it’s gone in the bin as has already been heated up twice. What a waste and he’s had no tea. Why is my wonderful, loving boy being so difficult? He can’t see he’s only making things more difficult for himself. I was actually trying to ‘facilitate’ him having a good time with mates and being able to get pizza or whatever afterwards, I am fine with that, in fact I’m happy for him to do so, it makes him happy, all I needed to know was where to pick him up and when he would be done, but his lack of communication and unwillingness to listen just blew it all out of the water. If only he could see that.

Anyway, another day of going to bed with the centre of my World hating me. 😔😥

I didn’t get to speak to my Parents this evening as normal either as I was out playing taxi, so I’ve missed talking to them tonight.

It was a NSD, so I suppose that’s a slight positive.

I put a wash on quite late this afternoon as DS managed to get chocolate all over his duvet cover and I am trying to keep the washing basket as empty as possible because of the drying situation. I put the bed linen on the line for an hour but it did nothing, so the utility room now looks like a laundry. The dehumidifier has been on but doesn’t do an awful lot so I am going to look at the heated airers too when I can afford to do so.

I’ve bought a few more Christmas gifts which I’ve used the CC for. I haven’t yet transferred the money from the gifts pot but I will do so tomorrow. I’ve finished OH’s Christmas gifts now as we’re not buying each other much. I have bought something for my Dad and several sports clothing bits for DS.
I also have 3 close family birthdays to cover in November, so I need to sort those. They are all at ‘home’ so I need to sort it before the end of the week as I’ll be heading home next week and can save on postage if I wrap and take them with me.

I’m in a lot of pain this evening with my legs and knees so I hope it doesn’t stop me sleeping. The walking today has really wiped me out, I could easily have slept for a few hours when I got home, unfortunately not the time to do so.

Right, off to sleep, hopefully tomorrow’s a much better day. Night all xx

ArtyJ931

Ah bless you. It is so tricky and exhausting. I wish I could recommend something helpful to read or do, I remember reading books about raising teenagers but can’t remember anything being massively helpful other than time!

debtfreewannabe321

I hope today's a better day for you. I was talking to my friend about moody teens the other day, both of us are divorced with kids like yourself, both of us have sons. Her son is now in his 20s but he was extremely rude to her like mine was (and yours) and I asked her what she did, well, she packed his bags and dropped him at his dad's home after school one day (he was 14 she said 😮) and told him not to come back until he had some respect and that she loved him very much but she wasn't dealing with it anymore. 😱 I suppose that's one way to do it and they're on very good terms now lol.

Basically though I think we all go through it, some to more severe extent than others, and I don't think there is a single way that's right or wrong to deal with it ...but you mustn't make yourself sick in the process of trying to appease him constantly. You're already poorly. Look after you. Walk away when he's being rude and disrespectful and set boundaries. I know this is all easier said than done but I think teens are so selfish at this age as they're brains develop etc that they just cannot see beyond the end of their nose, nor want to. And they, more importantly, don't care in the moment that they've upset mum. Sometimes they have regrets after but for the most part they're a bit slow on the uptake with their emotions.

Big hugs. I hope you slept well. 💓

foxgloves

Some good points there from @debtfreewannabe321, especially re appeasement. If there's any appeasement efforts going on, they need to be coming in the other direction. Whether he realises it or not, this bad behaviour puts DS in a position of power if the result is you making extra efforts to make him happy, @MeandO. It sends a message, even in a more subliminal way, that his rude unaaceptable behaviour is without consequence. Learning that actions have consequences is, I think, a significant part of transitioning from childhood to adulthood. Messing you around over that pick-up venue & time was exploitative of your caring nature as he knows you won't leave him to make his way home late & in the dark. And that's the issue really, the care & loving acts continue even when he's been rude & selfish so he's not yet picking up the message about consequences. It sounds as though you are starting to get tougher on this though. You have quite enough to deal with health-wise without unwarranted extra teenage histrionics.

Stay strong!

F x

Skint_yet_Again

I’m so sorry you are going through this MeandO. It’s so hard and takes time. I was just watching itv and they mentioned a parental helpline / online chat you may want to look into maybe it could help but I haven’t used them so cannot give any recommendations

https://www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline/

https://www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/online-chat/

www.coramfamilylives.org.uk

MeandO

Thank you all so much, you don't know how much I needed a bit of encouragement to keep going right now.
I'm in floods of tears, I have been for most of the morning, they just won't stop. We've had an awful morning, the worst on record, probably. DS didn't want to go to school, claimed he was too ill (he was fine) and to cut a long story short, the battle of all battles ensued. Literally, hours of arguments, insults, criticism and tears from him. He's only just got to school at 11am. He's blamed me for everything wrong in his life, dragging right back up to when he was 4 years old and how I should never have moved him and given up work to get him out of childcare he hated and I should have just let him walk home at 5 years old... Everything is my fault and I am the worst parent that ever was. I'm a horrible person and I make him feel like @@@@ about himself all the time, apparently and my life is just pointless as I'm not normal and I don't do things normal people do. So it's all me. I think I'm at rock bottom to be honest. I even wondered what the point of me being here was. How low the person you love most in the world can make you feel.

I had to call his Father as, ironically, he seems to be the only person DS will listen to now. I will say that he is trying to help the situation and he is being kind to me, although I am sure he is privately gloating about being parent of the year now. He is coming over to talk to DS tonight again.
Plus I have to keep pretending to my family that everything is fine as my my Parents get super stressed and emotional about it all and it makes them even more ill if I say I'm struggling then my Mum tries to talk to DS and make matters worse without meaning to.
I can't take any more of this, I really can't.

I've come home, made a coffee and put the heating on as shivering is making me feel even worse. Now I'm worrying about the heating bill, the mortgage increase, everything. Think I better write today off already. :(

Skint_yet_Again

oh MeandO 😔 sending you a hug. We may have cross posted please see my earlier message which has a link to a confidential helpline. Please feel free to ignore x

MeandO

Thank you for your kindness @Skint_yet_Again and for suggesting the helplines, I really appreciate it, thank you for thinking of me.

I contacted them via online chat but I have a feeling much of it may be AI based as they just re-iterated what I said to them and weren't very helpful. They did suggest some articles on how to deal with teen behaviour so I'll have a read of those.