MeandO's money-shuffling

Smudgeismydog

My son was such hard work at 14 and 15, it felt like the whole time he mumbled in a monotone my hearing couldn’t decipher. I seemed to annoy him by breathing and I spent a lot of the time trying (and failing) to make him happier, which was utterly exhausting.

He has just turned 21, our relationship is great, and he is a much happier person to be around. Like Arty notes, my son’s recollection of that time is very different to mine 🤣

I really feel for you, but he is still there underneath this grumpiness, and you will get him back

Newstartforme

Hoping for a much improved week for you xx

MeandO

Gosh, I can't thank you all enough for your replies and your anecdotes of teenagers past. It has really helped to hear that things got better for you all and I am praying this is just a blip for us, but I can't help feeling like I've lost DS after yesterday. Yesterday was just, devastating, really and I spent most of it sobbing my heart out.
DS and I had a right altercation in the morning as he was just horrid to me. He threatened not to play in his sports team if I came to watch him. He didn't want me there. I drove home in tears.

His Dad came to pick him up and we had a chat with DS about everything. I will give the ex credit where it's due and say that he was very respectful during this chat and did tell DS that he was lucky to have me as a Mum etc. He really did try to make things better for all of us. However, DS made no secret of the fact that he hates me at the moment and I am the problem in his life.
He resents me for not participating fully in the years of sports clubs - the Ex cis a coach there which always made it very difficult anyway, but it has always been 'their' thing and was always during his Dad's time with him, so I have never been overly involved. I have always praised DS, paid for half (or more) of everything and encouraged him, but I have not always attended and I don't know most of the parents there. He said through tears that I don't support him, I'm always on at him, I'm horrible to him and I don't want him around. He took the comment about 'staying at mine or his Dad's for longer periods if it helps and makes him happy' as 'go live with your Dad because I don't want you here.' It took the wind out of me, I couldn't breathe. To think that my amazing boy thinks any of those things about me just shattered me. He pretty much despises me right now, thinks I don't love him and I don't really know what I've done wrong other than what I thought were the normal Mum/teen things of getting frustrated and heated discussions about things like the amount of wet towels/mess/lack of homework/disrespectful talking.
I'm in bits if I'm being honest with you, I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach and I feel sick. His Dad did his best to try and make DS see sense, understand about how things you say can sound different to others and tried to make sure he left on a positive note before he went to his Dad's for the evening as normal. DS's absence just felt like a massive hole last night. OH came over and calmed me down, cooked for me and made sure I ate something. I don't know what I would have done without him yesterday.

So that is where we left it. DS is coming home to me this evening and my stomach is is knots not knowing what to do and how to be. I feel sick and I've been crying. How did it ever get like this? We were always so close and he was my best buddy. I feel so sad. As I said, I feel like I've lost him. 😢

ArtyJ931

It is so sad when they become teens and invariably get moody and difficult and decide they don't like you very much (it is hormones and evolution that makes them want to pull away). My own recommendation if it helps would be to keep it simple, 'I love you, I always want you at home and love our time together. I'm a human being and doing my best'.

If the most he has to complain about is that you haven't been to all his sports stuff he is a lucky lucky young man. But teenagers don't like to feel lucky and loved, they like to feel hard done to and traumatised by terrible parents unfortunately - they'll find something, anything to fit the bill. (Obviously I don't mean children who are from genuinely abusive households).

This genuinely is a teenage thing, a push-pull of wanting to be looked after and wanting to be independent, a riot of hormones and awkward growing and new relationships. Batten down the hatches - you'll get through it and it will be fine. Maybe have that as a mantra :)

debtfreewannabe321

Gosh, I found that hard to read ☹️ 💔having been here, felt what you described myself and effectively felt I lost my son ...I really really pray your son comes to his senses. At least your ex seems to be on side with you and is talking your son round.

I don't understand why teens absolutely hate the one person who would lay their life down for them...it makes absolutely no sense to me at all. I am so so sorry you're having to go through this. Sending much love. ❤️

Newstartforme

Great advice from Arty ! Can't add much else other to say I think your ex will continue chatting with DS so I really do hope he comes home in a different frame of mind. Sending hugs to you xx

MeandO

Thank you so much Arty, DFW321 and Newstartforme xx

Arty, that really REALLY helped, thank you. You’ve put it so well. It is like he is trying to feel traumatised and hard done by and trying to find things to warrant that feeling.
Ok, his parents are divorced and he stays between two homes, but several of his friends do the same and have it a lot worse. I like the mantra. I’m going to print it out and put it on the fridge where I can see it.

DFW321, I’m really sorry if was triggering reading that. I didn’t think. I hope it didn’t upset you. Xx

Newstartforme, unfortunately he’s come home in the same ‘Ihateyou’ mood he left in, but I’m just hoping time and space will change that. Strapping myself in in the meantime.

DS went from the gym straight from school and stayed quite late. I think he was avoiding coming home. 😔 I picked him up a little while ago, his tea was ready for him when he got in. I followed a new recipe for a slow cooker beef pasta dish that I thought he would like. He made a comment that it looked like dog food and put his earphones on so he didn’t have to talk to me. I ignored the comment. Thought it best not to react today, despite his rudeness. This isn’t him, he knows that was rude. He ate all the ‘dog food’ anyway!
This evening’s plan of action is to not react and to keep calm. He has gone straight up to his room, taking a yogurt and protein mousse and that will probably be the last I see of him this evening until he is hungry again. 😕 I will just leave him alone tonight, as sad as it makes me to do so.

I changed his bedding today and put his snug brushed cotton set on his bed now it’s getting a bit chillier. He loves to be snug and wrapped under a blanket or duvet so I know he’ll like it even though he is very unlikely to say anything. He usually thanks me for changing his bed, but I’m not expecting it today!
I also hoovered through upstairs and downstairs and cleaned the hard floors before 9am this morning. I have really been trying to keep busy. I also got loads of work done at work today, even things I’d been putting off. Ploughing through things so I don’t have to think too much.

I have got a craft kit out of the cupboard that I was given for Christmas last year and have been putting off as it’s quite intense instructions to follow! I might make a start on that tonight…

A phone call from my friend cheered me up this afternoon, she always seems to know when I need a phone hug and a chat. I am grateful to have her. I dropped some Halloween decs and balloons I had here (bought for a party we were meant to go to last year but everyone was ill! I don’t do Halloween normally) through her letterbox on the way back from picking DS up as she has a little one who is Halloween mad, so they can have fun putting those up this evening.

I’d run out of onions and soft cheese which I needed for the recipe I made earlier, so popped to Asda for supplies. I picked up a new protractor for DS for school whilst there as I noticed his was broken earlier. Also bought a ruler and pack of black pens as they were on sale and will be used for school.

I had to petrol in the car up again this morning. The last tank of petrol didn’t seem to last long. £30.03 spent there - there was £30 left in the fuel budget and the pump clicked over to the odd 3p. I hope (but doubt) that lasts until payday. I guess I’ll have to increase the monthly amount allowed for petrol too now that prices are so

Oh, the £16 clothing sale on eBay cleared and I paid it off the debt yesterday. I walked to the shop/post office to return a book bought for DS for Christmas that arrived damaged. I see the refund has already been processed for it too.

I have used the dehumidifier to try and dry washing the past 24 hours. I can’t say it’s been THAT successful at the moment, but it has taken a lot of water out of the utility room so it must be doing something. I’ll keep trying when there is no dry weather to dry washing. I think the rest of this week is supposed to be nicer so I’ll get the bedding washed on dry days.

I may pop back online later for a bit of virtual diarising therapy, but thank you again for all your words of wisdom and kindness. You don’t know how much it has helped today. Xx

ArtyJ931

I am researching dehumidifiers at the moment so very interested in this update too. 😂

ArtyJ931

p.s. one of the funniest things food wise was a time I made home made slow cooked vegetable soup with vegetables I had grown and served with a home made loaf and the same teen I mentioned earlier said “what, we’re just having bread and water for dinner?”

I won’t get started on the time she shouted at me in the street for having “over exaggerated hand movements”

honestly if you don’t laugh you will cry - and they really are so amusing once you’re feeling a little less fragile. Write these things down to bring up when he’s grown up so you can laugh together - one day he may have a teenager himself!

Skint_yet_Again

I am sorry I don’t have any words better than those already said. Just remember this is only a moment in a lifetime and you are stronger than you realise, you will get through it. I would stick with Arty’s mantra:

I love you, I always want you at home and love our time together. I'm a human being and doing my best'.