Using mediation for financial agreement

NornIronRose

Ex husband and I split after 24 years, about 15 months ago. 
I have now paid for a divorce application. He wants to give me a cash settlement of a certain amount now, then a remaining sum to be paid over the next couple of years. 

This will be approx 40% of our home which is jointly owned. I want to get the house valued and get 50% on the sale of the house. He is desperate to keep the home but I want a clean break. 

We had agreed to use mediation rather than fight it out with lawyers. Unfortunately we have not agreed (he thinks I am agreeing to his terms but I am not). 

I don't know if mediation is the best way to go. Certainly a lot cheaper. The difference for me will be at least £20k and will mean that I can sell and hopefully buy a smaller property. He is determined to buy me out over this protracted period. 

If I do go through mediators, what should I consider when I am finding a company? 

NornIronRose

Not sure how to edit the above post, but I forgot to mention that he wants to give me the cash to buy my half of the property. He doesn't want me to get it valued, instead he has estimated its value and is asking me to help him out and settle for half of what he estimates as its worth. 

elsien

What about any other assets, pensions etc? Where do they fit into this?

tacpot12

It's commendable that you are trying to agree a settlement, but sometimes compromising on what can be agreed on is not actually fair to one person. 

Not getting your home properly valued is a big risk. You could start buy getting a couple of estate agents around to give you an informal valuation. If you compare this to his view on the value you will know if you are arguing over a few thousand pounds or a hundred thousand!

Have you reviewed your pensions? If either of you has anything more than a trivial amount of pension provision, then you should be looking to get your pension provisions valued on an equal basis, so that you can take these potentially valuable assets into account. You might find that he has to give you the whole house, if he wants to keep a valuable pension.

I would recommend using a mediator. If nothing else, they can help you document what you do agree on and what you cannot agree on, and what are the reasons you cannot agree. They should be able to help both parties explain their point of view to the other. If the other party cannot or will not accept a reasonable point of view, and then compromise, you will need a judge to decide. If you get lucky, and he takes advantage of the insight that an experienced mediator can offer, he may he happy to agree a proposal that you feel is fair. 

You might have a look at this site: UK's most visited online site for free divorce advice (wikivorce.com)
 

NornIronRose

Thank you. 
I don't believe that I am entitled to a share of his other assets. We are Muslim and I am only entitled to a share of the property which is jointly owned, so I am not looking for any of his savings, pensions or investments. 
Only a 50:50 share of the property. The difference in what he is offering will be around £20k I think. So not a huge amount in the grand scheme of things, but a lot of money for me. 
The biggest difference is that I don't want to have to give up my home, move into rented, while waiting for the remainder of the value. That would just be money down the drain. 

If we sell, then I can use the equity to buy something else. 

I like what you have said about using a mediator so we can see what we do agree on, and don't agree on. 

elsien

If the marriage is legal under UK law then you are entitled to 50% of everything as a starting point. 

Whether you wish to pursue that is your choice, but if you decide not to then you should at least get a proper valuation of the house and not his "estimate" at a time which allows you to get the full value now, not waiting 2 years down the line. On the limited information provided, he will be quids in which doesn't seem fair after a marriage of 24 years. 

diystarter7

tacpot12 said:

It's commendable that you are trying to agree a settlement, but sometimes compromising on what can be agreed on is not actually fair to one person. 

Not getting your home properly valued is a big risk. You could start buy getting a couple of estate agents around to give you an informal valuation. If you compare this to his view on the value you will know if you are arguing over a few thousand pounds or a hundred thousand!

Have you reviewed your pensions? If either of you has anything more than a trivial amount of pension provision, then you should be looking to get your pension provisions valued on an equal basis, so that you can take these potentially valuable assets into account. You might find that he has to give you the whole house, if he wants to keep a valuable pension.

I would recommend using a mediator. If nothing else, they can help you document what you do agree on and what you cannot agree on, and what are the reasons you cannot agree. They should be able to help both parties explain their point of view to the other. If the other party cannot or will not accept a reasonable point of view, and then compromise, you will need a judge to decide. If you get lucky, and he takes advantage of the insight that an experienced mediator can offer, he may he happy to agree a proposal that you feel is fair. 

You might have a look at this site: UK's most visited online site for free divorce advice (wikivorce.com)
 

Hi

What a wonderful, nice, helpful and polite post that is really easy to read and digest. Thank you

OP, the only other thing I would add is to remain polite, nice it will make it easier for both of you/

I wish you both a fair deal and best wishes for the future

tightauldgit

NornIronRose said:

Thank you. 
I don't believe that I am entitled to a share of his other assets. We are Muslim and I am only entitled to a share of the property which is jointly owned, so I am not looking for any of his savings, pensions or investments. 
Only a 50:50 share of the property. The difference in what he is offering will be around £20k I think. So not a huge amount in the grand scheme of things, but a lot of money for me. 
The biggest difference is that I don't want to have to give up my home, move into rented, while waiting for the remainder of the value. That would just be money down the drain. 

If we sell, then I can use the equity to buy something else. 

I like what you have said about using a mediator so we can see what we do agree on, and don't agree on. 

I don't know what is considered 'normal' in Muslim culture but the law applies equally to people of every religion and therefore if you went to court you would certainly be looking at 50% of everything as a starting point. You can of course decide you don't want what you are entitled to, but I have no idea why you would want to do that. 

The way you've described it, it certainly SOUNDS like he's trying to pull a fast one and thinks you will agree to less than you are entitled to just because. 

On what basis has he suggested that you should only be entitled to 40% rather than 50% of the house? Why does he not want to get it valued - an estate agent valuation costs nothing. If I was you I would ask an estate agent to give you an indicative valuation - most will be able to give you a guide.

If you go to mediation then they would probably suggest you get the house valued anyway. 

Equally while in theory there is nothing wrong with spreading the lump sum out over a period I don't see why you would agree to this AND getting less than you are entitled to. If anything it should be more to compensate for interest lost on the lump sum and other costs like having to rent a house.

As for mediation - it's non-binding so you can go through it, not agree and then go to court anyway. It's not either/or.

Is this the same guy that isn't paying his Child support and has disappeared so CMS cant serve him? 

elsien

I think mediation is a legal requirement unless there are good reasons not to such as domestic abuse.
It's not legally binding but it can be a good way for all to consider what is fair. And if one party is being particularly unreasonable, it can also be evidence for the court if it has to go that far. 
If you had a civil ceremony as well as a religious ceremony here, then you are legally entitled to be looking at 50% as a starting point. 

EssexHebridean

NornIronRose said:

Not sure how to edit the above post, but I forgot to mention that he wants to give me the cash to buy my half of the property. He doesn't want me to get it valued, instead he has estimated its value and is asking me to help him out and settle for half of what he estimates as its worth. 

What do YOU estimate it is worth? If he is looking to be fair then he won't have an issue with you getting a valuation done - if he's not however, this could explain why he's encouraging you not to take that route. 

I do understand that culturally doing things as are being suggested under UK law could give you problems - I presume this could include issues with family who feel that you've done thigs "wrongly"? Only you can balance off that against the need to ensure that you are treated fairly and that you emerge from your situation with what is rightfully yours. 

Pollycat

Have you factored in the child maintenance he wasn't paying because you didn't know where he was living?
No address for ex, therefore no hope of maintenance. — MoneySavingExpert Forum

Has he now paid the arrears since you found out where he is?
Will he continue to pay child maintenance after this split?

Why does he want to keep the house if he left it in November 2021?

I don't pretend to understand what your culture says is fair in divorce but with you earning a lot less than him with a child (based on what you said just over 3 months ago), I don't consider what he is offering you at all fair - to you.