Find the SecondStar and soar, and then straight on till the morning…

KajiKita

“I feel like a newborn lamb, all wobbly legs and big round eyes, both terrified and in love with the world.”
Awwww …. I would love to be able to give you a huge, big, squashy hug. ❤️

As with most of these things, knowing what the problem is is actually half the battle, and you do as you have so clearly described above. 😊 I went through something similar when I ran away from my sociopathic ex. My one piece of advice will be look for the ‘sparkles of joy’ that occur in you as time goes on. These will be triggered by what feeds you now - some of it will be the same as when you were younger and some will be new or surprising things. Feed those seeds and you will find your way 😊

KK

KajiKita

Morning 😊

How are you getting on?

KK

SecondStar

Hello! I’m sorry for not writing sooner, I’ve been doing a lot of Big Brain work in therapy these past few weeks - coming and writing about it probably would’ve helped, but you know when you get so hung up on knowing you SHOULD do something, that it somehow makes it HARDER to do? Or maybe that’s just a neurodiverse thing!

Anyway, hello!

I’ve only really started to feel a little settled this last week. It’s felt more like coming ‘home’ when I open the front door, as opposed to feeling like coming back to somewhere that I’m ‘staying’. The first few weeks felt like coming back to the villa on holiday - not a bad feeling by any stretch, but it didn’t feel like coming home. Now it’s starting to feel like somewhere I actually LIVE.

I did a mini makeover in the kitchen last bank holiday weekend. I vinyl wrapped the worktops in a pale oak effect, painted the depressing black tiles in cream to match the cabinet fronts, and covered up the nasty industrial-looking stainless steel hob splash back with peel and stick tiles in a pretty Tuscan pattern - blue, green and yellow. It’s so much brighter, and it makes me happy. It doesn’t feel ‘rental’ anymore!

I picked a new (to me) sofa bed which came on Thursday. It’s a 90’s abstract floral patterned monstrosity, in blue, green, and beige, and I love it. It’s the perfect compact size for my tiny living room, and it’s so comfortable. Having it fold out into a bed means that I’ll be able to have friends stay over, which will be lovely too.

I’m slowly figuring out the little everyday things - which cycle is best to run my new washing machine on, how many bits of clothing I can fit on my washing line, which routes to walk my senior dog so that he gets the right length of exercise time, how tightly I have to park my car so that all the neighbour’s cars will fit, which petrol station is the cheapest, what time I have to leave the house to catch the right bus… But with every experience I’m learning more.

With help from my therapist, I’m trying to remember to be gentle with myself. That I don’t have to do everything immediately, or perfectly, or in ways that are approved of by other people. This is much easier said than done!

I miss my ex sometimes. I still have days where I feel very lonely and sorry for myself, but I think that’s normal.



On the whole, I’m slowly beginning to feel lighter, and more free; in ways that I hadn’t fully understood that I had felt heavy and restrained.

The dishes in the sink are only mine, and I’ll clean and put them away when I’m ready without being made to feel guilty about it. I sweep and hoover my own floor, and do so gladly because I’m not spending 50% of my time badgering another person to do their share of sweeping and hoovering.

Not living under someone else’s thumb is wonderful. The aftershocks of what I suffered are still present, but with help I’m learning to ride them out.

Tiny specks of who I am are coming back, like little pieces of glitter shining through the gloom and the murk. It feels really nice to remember that there are things in the world which make me happy, after spending so long being miserable.



Right, I have to wrap this up for now - I’ve got an electrician coming soon to hopefully remove the eyesore electric fireplace from my living room, so I can have a proper rearrange of the furniture within the space; and then I’m going out with a friend this afternoon! The sun is shining, June is my very favourite month, and I’m beyond ready to live for the summer. Hope you’re all keeping well also, I’ll do my best to keep on top of posting!

New_in_the_fens

So pleased for you! Into your new chapter with your head held high - go you! ❤️

SecondStar

Hello everyone! I’m so sorry for neglecting this thread for so long.

I’m almost at 5 months of being in my beautiful little home, can you believe it’s gone by so fast?! And it truly is ‘home’ now. I’m in a lovely routine with it, for care and maintenance, and we look after one another. I still pinch myself walking up to the front door, and gaze in wide-eyed, loving wonderment that it is mine. I am still so, so proud.

Money continues to be tight, I’ve been in the red to various degrees since I moved in. Between a teeny tiny pay rise this month, a real tough look at my budget, and paring my food and groceries back to the ground, I’m quietly hopeful that I might be able to start putting a few pennies away again. My senior pets continue to be a huge outlay - almost 25% of my income - but as long as I can still pay my bills then I can’t and won’t deny them a thing.

Excitingly, there has been new love in my life! I wasn’t searching for it, in fact I was certain I was going to spend a long time being intentionally single and enjoying it, but life has a funny way of working out sometimes.

We’d met for the first time back at the end of April, a few days before I got my keys, at a reenactment event where I was introduced to him and his friends by a mutual friend. I am terrible with names and faces, and was going through an incredibly stressful time, but I’d remembered how he’d made me laugh and took my cares away for a little while. I’d added a few of them on social media, and then promptly forgot all about them. We crossed paths again at the last event of the season in August, and this time he came over to reintroduce himself, and ask if he could buy me a coffee? I’d learn later that I’d been on his mind since April, and he knew this was his last chance to ask me out in person, and so he’d spent all morning being filled with courage by his friends to actually come and talk to me.

He is like no one I’ve ever known before, like no other partner I’ve had before. He is kind, caring, generous, considerate, humorous, compassionate, gentle, sweet, complimentary, chivalrous, good natured, witty, intelligent, well educated, practical, and capable. He is a person who Gets Things Done, and I appreciate that because I am too. He is strong and masculine and old fashioned, whilst also being understanding and soft and emotionally intelligent. He gravitates towards wanting to willingly protect and provide for me, whilst also knowing that I don’t have to rely or depend on a man to take care of me.

We share niche hobbies and enough similar interests to have in-depth conversations but not so many to be bored with one another. Our brains tick similarly enough that we understand each other, but different enough that we’re both curious and fascinated to learn how the other thinks and works. We play together, have fun together, and I like who I am around him.

It’s been a real change of pace to date someone intentionally. To not just fall into a long-term, committed relationship, just because you’ve been on a couple of dates. It has taken a lot of time and work for me to decide that I did want to be with someone again, and my partner has done a wonderful job of showing up for me over, and over again, in ways that are safe, stable, trusting, and full of care. It has been a real privilege to slowly share my heart with him, and to learn that there is so much more to experience in a partnership than what I had been settling for with others. I am totally smitten, and it’s so wonderful!

KajiKita

What an absolutely awesome update! 🤩❤️
So happy to read about both your home and your new relationship 😊

KK

SecondStar

Hello and welcome 2024! Happy New Year everyone 🥰

I was actually going to come and post on here and have a little rant and a moan about how expensive life is, about how many things have gone wrong recently (did my back in a week ago and had to go for physio, the boiler broke on 21st Dec and cost £90, my dog has been going through a pain flare up and needing extra physio ££, my cat is overdue her bloods to test her kidneys £££, my car needs a new exhaust before it’s MOT £££, and my fence blew down the other night!); but then I read this thread back from the beginning.

Yes, I’ve just listed the annoying/expensive/stressful things that have gone on in the last couple of weeks, but looking back to where I was 12 months ago, all of that is water off a duck’s back.



I’m not one for ‘resolutions’ as such, but what I am wanting to mindfully bring into the new year is gratitude, intentionality, and calm.

Gratitude for my many blessings: the roof over my head, my friends, that I am steadily employed, that I have my health, that I am (just about) able to pay my bills, that my pets want for nothing to give them a good quality of life.

Intentionality: that I am not stuffing my house, my life, full of things which I don’t really value. Whether that be items, people, or experiences. Learning the value of saying no to things I don’t really want to do. Not rushing into buying things for the sake of it, out of a mistaken believe that I NEED it.

 Calm: taking my time with life, not reacting instinctively out of fear or guilt or overwhelm. Again, not rushing into things without a measured amount of time to think about them, and to weigh up whether it’s something I really need in my life. Making decisions which are grounded, rather than explosive, emotional, or rooted in being triggered.



Again, not so much a ‘resolution’, but something I want at the forefront this year - money. It’s the MoneySavingExpert Forum, it always comes down to money, at the end!

Since I moved into my new home 8 months ago, I’ve been in the red every month, for one reason or another. It really does have to change this year, I can’t keep dipping into my very dwindling savings, and then not replenishing them. I can’t keep making excuses for it, either.

I plan to execute this by -

Reducing unnecessary variable spending.

• I’d already reduced my therapy sessions to every other week, but have contacted my therapist to tell her I need to pause our sessions for the foreseeable. I’d rather not, but realistically I can’t afford it right now. 

• I give myself £150 each month for groceries and household sundries (cleaning supplies, loo roll etc.), and I’m going to try to reduce this. I plan to do this by altering the type and amount of gluten free food I currently get on prescription each month, so that I’m making more financially efficient choices. I also plan to utilise our community fridge more, which provides free food in order to reduce food waste (not a low income scheme, purely set up for reducing food waste). I’m also going to start making more food from scratch - I’ve already replaced shop bought gluten free breakfast items with homemade items, and I’m learning different soup recipes, but this can be expanded on.

 Not buying new, if I can help it.

• It can be far too easy to rush to Amazon, or IKEA, or Homebase, when I think I NEED something RIGHT NOW. There is not much in life which is such an urgent necessity that it can’t be mulled over for a week, saved up for or had money assigned for it, and then the time taken to look for it or something similar secondhand - either through marketplaces on social media, free sites or pages, reselling sites, charity shops, or eBay. Do I need that EXACT thing, or can compromises or changes to plans be made?

• If it’s a thing to be used, rather than bought and kept, can I borrow it from a friend or lending library? Can I hire it for a weekend?

• If it’s something I want or need to do, do I know someone who knows how to do it and can tell or show me? It’s difficult for me to ask for and accept help, when I’ve been so used to throwing money at problems and outsourcing knowledge. I think it’s time for me to shelve some of my pride, and learn how to ask for help when needed. My partner has been very good in this regard - he has a lot of experience with a lot of different things, and has offered to do everything from insulating my attic, to building cabinetry, to painting and wallpapering. But it’s not enough to let him offer and get on with jobs, I want to learn as well. I can manage basic DIY, but I would like to get better.

I’m hoping that with these things in mind, it will lead to being able to solidly put money back into my savings each month - even if it’s only £20 - and not be dipping in for off the cuff purchases.

I also want to be writing in here more again, to keep me motivated and remembering what I’d told myself!

Humdinger1

@SecondStar happy new year! What a wonderful post; how right you are.  You are doing brilliantly.   2024 is a fresh start; onwards and upwards love Humdinger xx 

KajiKita

Hi @SecondStar and welcome back, I have missed you 😊

That is an excellent re-set post with some really good approaches and ideas, but I just want to say don’t be too hard on yourself. Moving is tough! Some of what you are describing (instant shopping for example) is what I would describe as ‘survival mode’ stuff to get you through the process and out the other side. But you have already started to come out of this with things like soup making 😊👏

@LadyWithAPlan is a gluten free eater (is that the right term …? 😉😂) and she’s recently started making her own gluten free bread. Might be worth looking out for a second hand bread maker in your travels?

KK

SecondStar

Thank you both!

@KajiKita You’re just right that the knee-jerk spending has been a coping mechanism. It’s done what I needed it to do, but it’s not currently serving me. I’m going to try and be gentle with myself, while I get used to finding other ways of coping instead, which aren’t going to leave me destitute!

Yesterday was my first No Spend day of the year ☺️

Saying that, the first test of my resolution has came early...

My partner and I have been talking about and planning for the new reenactment season this spring, and have been discussing things we want to make or acquire. One of these has been sheepskins, so naturally I’ve been browsing around online and on eBay, and following a few things. This morning I wake up to 2 offers for beautiful skins, for £30 each - a total bargain for the size & quality.

It was fascinating to observe my very physical reaction to seeing these offers. My heart began to race, and my brain began to imagine one of these sheepskins being used on my office chair and on the sofa, and then at reenactment events. I began trying to justify it to myself, that it was such a good deal, how could I pass it up? It’s only £30, it’s not really that much, and I could just take it from my savings.

It’s that kind of thinking which has led me to set this resolution. Before, I would’ve just jumped to press ‘buy it now’ so fast, that I would have purposefully avoided thinking about it too long, and so purposefully avoided the thoughts that I can’t really afford it.

There will always be other skins, and other good offers, when I have available cash that has been put aside specifically for that. This is a big win for me!

For now, I’m going to unfollow all the items I’ve been looking at, so that I’m not tempted by more offers and deals. I’m also unsubscribing from all the marketing emails, and clicking off all the tempting adverts.