Lies lies lies

caprikid1

I should also add that the original split your friend was attempting to achieve meant the mother and child moving to a different area away from the child's friends etc, that does not sound like he was thinking of the child's well being either. He also was using the child as a bargaining tool to stay in the house and have greater access to see her friends etc.

They are as bad as each other ...

mikejassss

Couples should communicate more. Even if you divorce, you have to accompany the child together to minimize the impact on the child.

MattMattMattUK

mikejassss said:

Couples should communicate more. Even if you divorce, you have to accompany the child together to minimize the impact on the child.

Whilst I would agree in principle, communicating properly requires two willing partners and unfortunately that is often not the case. 

MattMattMattUK

caprikid1 said:

Too many couples split up using the children as weapons and possessions and fight for maximum ownership and control, we empowered our children to have choice and flexibility.

When I was at secondary school a friend's parents got divorced, they both had good jobs (£100k ish, 25 years ago), they had a lot of equity in a large house, they spent five years fighting in court, at the end of the process they got about £10k each from what started off as over £800k of assets because of all the legal fees (they both ended up with top lawyers, barristers etc. as they escalated). The spent that time verbally tearing chunks out of each other, trying to poison the children against the other parent and were generally horrible people. Now neither my friend or his sister speak to their parents as they realised from the divorce that they were both awful people.

Too often divorces bring out the worst in people and they show just how awful many people are, more often than not I have seen women use children as weapons and men think that they can absolve themselves of responsibility for their children, I understand divorce is rarely a pleasant experience, but too many people seem to go out of their way to make it as awful as they can.

caprikid1

MattMattMattUK said:

caprikid1 said:

Too many couples split up using the children as weapons and possessions and fight for maximum ownership and control, we empowered our children to have choice and flexibility.

When I was at secondary school a friend's parents got divorced, they both had good jobs (£100k ish, 25 years ago), they had a lot of equity in a large house, they spent five years fighting in court, at the end of the process they got about £10k each from what started off as over £800k of assets because of all the legal fees (they both ended up with top lawyers, barristers etc. as they escalated). The spent that time verbally tearing chunks out of each other, trying to poison the children against the other parent and were generally horrible people. Now neither my friend or his sister speak to their parents as they realised from the divorce that they were both awful people.

Too often divorces bring out the worst in people and they show just how awful many people are, more often than not I have seen women use children as weapons and men think that they can absolve themselves of responsibility for their children, I understand divorce is rarely a pleasant experience, but too many people seem to go out of their way to make it as awful as they can.

Me and my Ex Wife split over £1m in assets and did it amicably for a legal bill of c£3000 in total for both of us. Focus on the children do what is right, we still stop for a coffee and have a glass of wine. It was no longer about us all about the kids.

We both set out to be as fair as possible.

MattMattMattUK

caprikid1 said:

MattMattMattUK said:

caprikid1 said:

Too many couples split up using the children as weapons and possessions and fight for maximum ownership and control, we empowered our children to have choice and flexibility.

When I was at secondary school a friend's parents got divorced, they both had good jobs (£100k ish, 25 years ago), they had a lot of equity in a large house, they spent five years fighting in court, at the end of the process they got about £10k each from what started off as over £800k of assets because of all the legal fees (they both ended up with top lawyers, barristers etc. as they escalated). The spent that time verbally tearing chunks out of each other, trying to poison the children against the other parent and were generally horrible people. Now neither my friend or his sister speak to their parents as they realised from the divorce that they were both awful people.

Too often divorces bring out the worst in people and they show just how awful many people are, more often than not I have seen women use children as weapons and men think that they can absolve themselves of responsibility for their children, I understand divorce is rarely a pleasant experience, but too many people seem to go out of their way to make it as awful as they can.

Me and my Ex Wife split over £1m in assets and did it amicably for a legal bill of c£3000 in total for both of us. Focus on the children do what is right, we still stop for a coffee and have a glass of wine. It was no longer about us all about the kids.

We both set out to be as fair as possible.

I agree it can happen, one of my sisters got divorced totally amicably, they had just drifted apart but remain friends, so much so that my ex brother-in-law was invited to the wedding when my sister got remarried, it is just that in general most people getting involved, driven by one or both, seem to lack the ability to be reasonable.

The kids should always go first, but that requires parents who had children for the right reasons, I have seen too many people have children as a way to try and save a marriage, or as a lifestyle choice, rather than genuinely wanting to raise children in a loving family. 

GiantTCR

MattMattMattUK said:

The kids should always go first, but that requires parents who had children for the right reasons, I have seen too many people have children as a way to try and save a marriage, or as a lifestyle choice, rather than genuinely wanting to raise children in a loving family. 

Bang! I think you hit the nail in the head.

I can't 100% speak for my friend, but from a couple of brief conversations with him on the topic it would appear to be the case you described.

They had a child as a first attempt to save the relationship and then they got married even if they still had relationship problems (well, my friend told me she was the one pressing him to get married, but you need 2 people for a marriage to happen so he's to blame as well).

That's why I don't think there will be a happy ending. The only certain thing will be some hefty legal fees for both of them and a smaller pie to share.