Want to leave but can't do it. 7 November 2022 at 8:09PM in Marriage, relationships & families 57 replies 4.8K views

olgadapolga

elsien said:

FWIW A sibling’s partner waited until the children were 18 and then announced they wanted a divorce. The children have since said it would’ve been better for the parents to split up sooner because they are both clearly so much happier than they were before. That’s not telling you to leave; but just to point out that hanging on in there isn’t always what is best for the children.

Have to agree with this. My parents didn't have a good marriage as my Dad was abusive in every which way there is. My Mum wanted to leave but didn't because of her children. My poor Mum stayed with him until he died, where upon she was so much happier and the years literally fell away. She looked ten years younger. A while after he'd died, we were talking about their marriage and she said that she wished she'd left him decades earlier. When I asked her why she didn't, she said that she'd stayed because of us. I said that she should have left as we'd have dealt with the situation and that I would certainly have wanted her to be happy. My poor Mum just cried. Hopefully she'll have many years of being happy and free from abuse now he's gone.

OP, I really hope that you find a way to deal with this. Best wishes to you.

Piginblanket

Op

I've just read this entire thread...

I really hope that the amazing replies you have received will help you to understand that you are not in a relationship, you are being abused and it has to stop.

Kittykattykate

MellyMoo you must leave but you must 100% focus on getting the debts down first. Things are tough out there at the moment and it will be incredibly hard for you to support yourself with that level of debt. The last thing you want is to go crawling back because you can’t survive on your wage.

MellyMooCow

Kittykattykate said:

MellyMoo you must leave but you must 100% focus on getting the debts down first. Things are tough out there at the moment and it will be incredibly hard for you to support yourself with that level of debt. The last thing you want is to go crawling back because you can’t survive on your wage.

I only actually have £7600 of debt in my name; however, the rest of the debt in husbands name is pretty much both of ours. the largest being the car finance which is around 16k. I would hope he would allow me to keep the car and I would continue paying it. It was bought for me, for work as he has a works van so doesn't need a car.

I would never just palm the 43k off on him as we have run some of it up as a family. I need to work out what to do.

MellyMooCow

Thank you so much everyone.

I almost told him today, and then planned to do it over the weekend, but then my brother and his wife got in touch asking us to go out with them, plus we are having a bit of drama with our eldest son!! So, it isn't right.

Instead, I have put money into a savings account. I will add more when I get paid, and then more in January when I get some student loans. I should have around £1500 saved then, which would get me a place to rent.

I am going to change my wages to get paid into my individual Chase account and also move a few payments over that are 'mine' like my loan, my phone, union subscription and possibly the car payment. That way I have already separated finances to some extent. I have plenty of credit on credit cards available, so I will be able to finance the £600 fee for the divorce application.

I think I will let things run along until after Christmas. Let everyone have one last nice Christmas before I screw everyone over. Hopefully I will have enough money to be able to just move out then.

This is going to sound silly, but I have only just realised (because of this thread) that I can just leave. He doesn't own me and I don't need his permission to leave, or to apply for a divorce. I don't know why this has never occurred to me before? I've always thought that we need to agree to separate, but we don't - I can just take back my own freedom. I can take on a new place and just move out. 

Thanks again for all the advice and suggestions.

pinkshoes

MellyMooCow said:

Thank you so much everyone.

I almost told him today, and then planned to do it over the weekend, but then my brother and his wife got in touch asking us to go out with them, plus we are having a bit of drama with our eldest son!! So, it isn't right.

Instead, I have put money into a savings account. I will add more when I get paid, and then more in January when I get some student loans. I should have around £1500 saved then, which would get me a place to rent.

I am going to change my wages to get paid into my individual Chase account and also move a few payments over that are 'mine' like my loan, my phone, union subscription and possibly the car payment. That way I have already separated finances to some extent. I have plenty of credit on credit cards available, so I will be able to finance the £600 fee for the divorce application.

I think I will let things run along until after Christmas. Let everyone have one last nice Christmas before I screw everyone over. Hopefully I will have enough money to be able to just move out then.

This is going to sound silly, but I have only just realised (because of this thread) that I can just leave. He doesn't own me and I don't need his permission to leave, or to apply for a divorce. I don't know why this has never occurred to me before? I've always thought that we need to agree to separate, but we don't - I can just take back my own freedom. I can take on a new place and just move out. 

Thanks again for all the advice and suggestions.

Sounds like a really sensible plan @MellyMooCow 

You are absolutely free to leave whenever you want to. He does not own you. You are both individuals with the right to choose your own paths. 

Keep us updated. x

Jude57

MellyMooCow said:

Thank you so much everyone.

I almost told him today, and then planned to do it over the weekend, but then my brother and his wife got in touch asking us to go out with them, plus we are having a bit of drama with our eldest son!! So, it isn't right.

Instead, I have put money into a savings account. I will add more when I get paid, and then more in January when I get some student loans. I should have around £1500 saved then, which would get me a place to rent.

I am going to change my wages to get paid into my individual Chase account and also move a few payments over that are 'mine' like my loan, my phone, union subscription and possibly the car payment. That way I have already separated finances to some extent. I have plenty of credit on credit cards available, so I will be able to finance the £600 fee for the divorce application.

I think I will let things run along until after Christmas. Let everyone have one last nice Christmas before I screw everyone over. Hopefully I will have enough money to be able to just move out then.

This is going to sound silly, but I have only just realised (because of this thread) that I can just leave. He doesn't own me and I don't need his permission to leave, or to apply for a divorce. I don't know why this has never occurred to me before? I've always thought that we need to agree to separate, but we don't - I can just take back my own freedom. I can take on a new place and just move out. 

Thanks again for all the advice and suggestions.

Just popping up to remind you that you're not 'screwing everyone over'. You're not screwing anyone over. You're entitled to live the life you choose and you can't live your life trying to be something you're not just to keep the peace. No-one who cared for you would want that for you. You are in charge of your own life, and the decisions you make about that life are yours to make. If you're like most of us, you'll make good, bad and indifferent decisions along the way, but they'll be YOURS.

There's tons of help available for dealing with the debts, the Debt Free Wannabe board here for starters. You don't need to make any quick decisions about that, though. Get your new home sorted, get settled and then deal with the debts. 

Good luck with everything and feel free to come back to vent, update, chat or for anything else.