NOW OPEN: the MSE Forum 'Ask An Expert' event. This time we'd like your questions on TRAVEL & HOLIDAY DEALS. Post by Wed and deals expert MSE Oli will answer as many as he can.
Want to leave but can't do it.
in Marriage, relationships & families
57 replies 4.8K views
Latest MSE News and Guides
Energy Price Cap change
Martin Lewis on what it means for youMSE News
Best £1 you've ever spent?
Share your most impressive bargainsMSE Forum
New MSE Forum avatars available
Try 'em out nowMSE Forum
Happy parents are happy children.
You are staying for the children; they will ask you why you are staying in an unhappy situation for them.
debt can be sorted together or separately.
Have you communicated with him how you feel?
You will both need to seek support from professionals if you both want the relationship to work.
Same issues with my husband, (over 30 years together) he had also been a drinker and could be very nasty verbally and physically. Told him I wanted to split so many times and eventually he took me seriously and decided to kick the drink/other women and become what he saw as an ideal husband.
Which meant he wanted to be together 24-7. I couldnt go anywhere without him and on the odd occasion I did manage too he would call constantly and grill me about who I had spoken too, why I needed to be out so long etc, etc. He didnt even like me to go to bed before him as we 'should be together'.
i put off leaving for years, always one reason or another, debt, parents dying, him being out of work, me having nowhere to go and many more reasons. I ha d all the threats about what he would do if I went and I was terrified. What he actually did was crumble, cry and beg me to return which was just as bad to deal with.
I made so many plans as to how I would escape but in the end during one agreement I flipped and walked out. Went to a friends for coffee and a vent and never went home again. Dealing with the fallout was the hardest thing I have ever done but oh, the feeling of freedom at the same time. I ended up in a grotty rental but the sheer joy of getting home from work, closing the curtains and putting on my pj's before bedtime (which was never allowed before) was sheer bliss.
Difficult as it was it was 100% the right thing to do, you only have one life. My kids have spoken to me about it and the thing that surprised me was that they said that they could not understand way I had not left sooner. My son said he would have been far happier had I done so. I also think you need to be aware of the signals you are giving any daughters in the way you are
accepting being treated badly.
Keep stashing what you can afford into a secret account, think through what you will take when the time comes and prepare. I planned to find a rental and had all the towels/bedding split into 2 lots ready to start moving things I wanted when the time came.
Don't waste your life. There is better on the other side once you have gone through the initial trauma of leaving. Like you I wanted to leave 'for me' not another man. That was the last thing I wanted. It is not the answer and just muddies the water.
25 years on I am in a very happy, equal relationship. It took me a long time to agree to marry again but my only regret I have in life is those wasted years.
It's not easy, the number of people who have since said to me 'Why didnt you just leave' have no idea of how hard it is to do after a long marriage and children.
But it is possible and you will get to the other side and be all the happier and stronger for it. I was where you are now and I feel for you but dot waste the years.
They see how their friends parents act and realise the difference.
They can also be affected by an unhappy marriage. Moving out with them- they are old enough to make up their own minds- and giving them a stable , happy home is better than living in a strained atmosphere.
If you are worried about your husband's actions after you leave that will apply even after the children are out of the house. That worry will still be there.
It is a big step to take, going out into the unknown but only you can make that move.
You go out to work. You could arrange counselling during working hours and your husband wouldn't know.
Can you guarantee that the debt will be paid off and not increased over the years?
They were both miserable for years. Me and my siblings could clearly see that, we'd talk about it amongst us but never said anything to our parents. We wish they had broken up sooner because now they're both happy.
A few things I would say:
1. If you decide to leave, it will be better eventually. Don't worry about the kids as much as you are. Kids are very resilient. From my experience, my kids are a lot happier now, seeing a couple that actually care for each other. If you want to leave, stop putting up barriers and do it for your own sanity.
2. Before deciding anything, check out your feelings first, ideally with the help of a counsellor. I am not saying this is the case, but I have seen many ladies regretting their decision afterwards as their own feelings were nothing to do with the relationship, it was more something going on with themselves. You will regret not exploring this, even if it is just to reaffirm what you already are thinking of.
3. When you are ready, talk to your other half open and honestly. Everything on the table - he will appreciate it in the long run. Chances are, he will be very blindsided by it (like I was) and will be hurt and will go through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). Keep things formal and business like and he will get there eventually.
Only you will know what is best for you, but you need to put yourself first. The kids and your other half will adapt in the long run no matter what happens, its just the short term which will be difficult.
Post the break up (if it happens), my mantra is to think about what is best for the kids (if there are any disagreements between us) and to take the emotion out of decisions. It helps me and my ex have a very civil relationship.
When he was 68, Pop had finally had enough and he walked out, going to live with his youngest daughter who was not a Nana pleaser, nor ever tried to be. He died at 74, but he'd had those few, precious years of freedom and, more importantly, peace and contentment.
Don't be like my Pop. Don't let your grandchildren be writing a post like this in 50 years' time.
I always wished my own mum had left my dad. I know my kids will say the same to me. It is just the upheaval and the upset that I know I will be putting them through initially... I just don't feel I can do that to them.
Yes, none of our debts are actually combined in both our names. But we run it all up together, well him mainly!! So we might be able to sort it out somehow if we split.
I haven't yet spoken to him, not in recent years. I don't know how to.