Want to leave but can't do it.

BrassicWoman

MellyMooCow said:

BrassicWoman said:

I would think bout some counselling from Relate. You can go on your own to start if you don't want to go as a couple. They are there to help you think things through.

I have thought about counselling, but I don't know that I can come back from where I am now, as I have felt this way for a very long time. 

That's not what counselling is for. It is to help you work out what you DO want. Feels like you need some support to do that as you are balancing your needs vs kids needs.

MellyMooCow

74jax said:

If your kids were in a relationship like yours and came to you for advice saying they wanted to leave, would you honestly tell them to stay? 

I think it is a hard one, but I would want to see my kids happy. If leaving was going to make them happy then that would be my advice. 

I think I would be worried about the journey they would need to take to get there. I would also want to make sure they were 100% sure.

But ultimately, I would support them to leave if they were in my exact situation.

MellyMooCow

onomatopoeia99 said:

Have you talked seriously to your husband about any of this?

Not for years. It never went well back when I did try to talk about this stuff. I asked him to move out at one point, he point blank refused. 

We continued as we have on and off. 

I was more hostile towards him years back as he was less supportive financially than he is these days. We coexist more peacefully these last 5yrs.

MellyMooCow

BrassicWoman said:

MellyMooCow said:

BrassicWoman said:

I would think bout some counselling from Relate. You can go on your own to start if you don't want to go as a couple. They are there to help you think things through.

I have thought about counselling, but I don't know that I can come back from where I am now, as I have felt this way for a very long time. 

That's not what counselling is for. It is to help you work out what you DO want. Feels like you need some support to do that as you are balancing your needs vs kids needs.

I will try to always put my kids needs first. I have always put my kids before me in everything I have ever done. Whether I have always made the right choice no one knows... but we do what we think is right at the time.

I do feel like I need support, but there is little chance of me attending counselling as I wouldn't be allowed to. I certainly couldn't do it without my husband knowing. 

My only saving grace is that he is due to be working away soon, so I will have a bit of freedom then. I could possibly find someone to speak to if/when that happens.

diystarter7

For counseling to work it needs you both there.

elsien

MellyMooCow said:

BrassicWoman said:

I would think bout some counselling from Relate. You can go on your own to start if you don't want to go as a couple. They are there to help you think things through.

I have thought about counselling, but I don't know that I can come back from where I am now, as I have felt this way for a very long time. 

Counselling isn’t about you coming back from where you are now, Or about fixing your relationship. It’s about helping you to think through what you are feeling,  why,  and work out what you want to do about it. It’s talking through what is keeping you stuck with things as they are, making you unhappy, with someone independent who doesn’t have an agenda.
So for example, whether you decide to stay or go, it may give you some tools to be more assertive, or to communicate more effectively with your husband.

FWIW A sibling’s partner waited until the children were 18 and then announced they wanted a divorce. The children have since said it would’ve been better for the parents to split up sooner because they are both clearly so much happier than they were before. That’s not telling you to leave; but just to point out that hanging on in there isn’t always what is best for the children.

MellyMooCow

killerferret666 said:

You sound just like my Mum & Dad to be honest, right down to her actions at work. They held on till i was 16 (bro 14) and all i saw on the years building up to the split was two people not in love.

When my mum has since said to me as an adult (im 39 now) I did it for you kids. I said to her the thought behind it was good, the action was wrong. Kids pick up more than you realise.

As for future prospects of your teen children; what about their relationship prospects? Because of what I saw going on between my parents its made it hard for me to trust people and get into a relationship with them, thinking i may never know what they truely are thinking. I also didnt want a family, that alone wasnt the only reason but was a part.

I hope that helps. As for the prospects you talk about. Ive done well for myself financially and career, but thats not everything. And i would have put my parents happiness above it all.

Money cant buy you health or time. Both should be used to the best you can and not wasted.

Thank you so much for your insight. I do completely understand as my parents also lived a loveless marriage. My dad was a drinker and hit my mum a few times, had her in tears other times and was quite volatile at times. She stayed for us kids and almost definitely had her own reasons too.

This has possibly had an impact on my own view of relationships... I don't know.  I just know that I put everyone elses happiness, or wellbeing before my own. 

I just feel deep down that I need to leave to be happy. Except, will I be happy? Will he make my life miserable. He will try to control me through the kids still. I just know I will never be truly free of him and I would absolutely want the kids to still have a relationship with their dad.

I also feel the same actually, I would have wanted my mum to leave and be happy. She is now with a wonderful man who makes her happy and I am really happy for her.

As you can tell, I go round in circles with my thoughts.

MovingForwards

diystarter7 said:

For counseling to work it needs you both there.

No you don't.

People attend counseling alone to talk through their thoughts and figure out what they want. Sometimes that leads to joint counseling, other times the first person has worked through their thoughts and see improvements in the relationship or they call time on the relationship.

elsien

He could only control you through the children if you allowed him to do so. Your children are now old enough to decide what sort of relationship they want with either of their parents. Of course you want them to carry on having a relationship with their dad, and that most likely is what they want as well. But if they don’t that would be their decision and not your responsibility, as long as you weren’t doing anything to put barriers in the way.

theoretica

Your youngest is 13 - which means that if you did separate their opinion would have considerable weight, and the older even more, in deciding where to live and for how much of the time.