Want to leave but can't do it. 7 November 2022 at 8:09PM in Marriage, relationships & families 57 replies 4.8K views

MellyMooCow

Hi,

I am just here to offload really.

My husband and I have been together for 25yrs and I have wanted to leave for so so long. I still want to leave. I don't love him. I am not sexually attracted to him. We don't even have that much in common - I don't think we ever did really.

I've tried and tried to 'fall in love' with him, but I just can't. I know it is so easy for other people to just say leave, but how do I do that. What does that actually look like in real life. 

The main three things stopping me are:
1. We have four children, two have moved out now as they are older and the younger two are teenagers. I don't want them to have a broken home. The older two have done well at school and are out in the world as confident young adults, and I don't want to do anything that might hurt the future prospects of my teens. I want them to have stability so they can just focus on school. Our youngest will be 18 in 5yrs.

2. We have a lot of debt together. We owe in excess of 50k. That is made up of vehicle finance, credit cards and a loan. We rent our house so there is no equity to be released to pay off debt if we did separate. I would prefer to get rid of the debt before separating, if possible. I just feel that it would make everything easier. I envisage having it paid of in about 4-5yrs .

3. My husband seems to love me. This just makes it all the harder to tell him that I don't love him. However, he is very controlling and I don't know if he actually loves me, or just loves the security/easy life that I provide as I do everything in terms of looking after the kids, sorting out the finances, cooking, cleaning etc etc... you get the picture. I am not allowed out much as he has to know where I am at all times and if I ever go out he just comes with me. All that said, he is often affectionate and wants to be around me, wants me to sit next to him and wants to cuddle up etc. I hate it. I feel smothered and don't feel affectionate towards him at all. I don't want to break his heart though as we have been together a long time. I don't like upsetting people of hurting people. 

My thoughts are that I stay with him in order to pay the debt off and let the kids finish school with a stable home life. If I said I am leaving, he would make things very ugly indeed. I don't want the kids to go through that. He can be vicious with his words and actions (not violent) and he would try to slate me and he would make out that I am unstable, or am having an affair or something, just to turn people against me and he would try to have it so that he gets the kids to live with him, which sounds crazy as he doesn't do much in terms of their upbringing....  But that is just how he is. He wouldn't accept me just leaving, and he definitely would refuse to move out himself.

Just to throw a spanner in there and show that I am not just here trying to slate him, I am not whiter than white myself. A couple of times over the years I have become 'close' to men I have worked with. I have never ever cheated physically, so I have never even kissed any of these men, but I have become emotionally attached and I have dreamt about running off with them. Fantasised about being intimate with them, and have absolutely flirted with them both verbally and via text. I sometimes feel like I want to have an affair just so my husband will want to leave me and I don't have to tell him I don't love him. So it becomes his decision to leave... Which I know is ridiculous and I would never actually take it further as I couldn't do that to anyone.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Please don't say anything nasty as I am feeling a bit delicate and vulnerable writing all this down. Also don't just shout at me to leave as you can see, it is not that easy.

BrassicWoman

I would think bout some counselling from Relate. You can go on your own to start if you don't want to go as a couple. They are there to help you think things through.

comeandgo

Right, you are entitled to a happy life but you are thinking of your children which is fair enough.  What I would do is have a future plan but start now.  I’d open a secret bank account and put as much as you can away that does not ring alarm bells with your husband.  I was in a similar situation as you and my work were able to pay £100 of my wages into one bank account and the rest into the joint account my husband saw, he never saw my wage slips.  

In the next few years could you get a better job, do you need extra training to increase your skills?  I also had a furniture store when about year prior to my leaving I was paying up a bed, the store kept it in storage for me until I was ready for it and delivered it to my new flat when needed.  

I believe you are fantasising about these men because there is so much missing from your marriage.  Work on how to get out of it, you are still young and deserve a life.

MellyMooCow

BrassicWoman said:

I would think bout some counselling from Relate. You can go on your own to start if you don't want to go as a couple. They are there to help you think things through.

I have thought about counselling, but I don't know that I can come back from where I am now, as I have felt this way for a very long time. 

diystarter7

OP, hopefully venting here has made it a bit easier for you.
In my judgment you won't leave him because of kids at home, the mass of debt, he loves you you thin, and guilt. That is if you don't have a lover and until then you will stay with him.

I'm sure when you get an offer, you will be ready to fly but please be aware many men are ready to bs and all that to get you into bed and if they have a wife/OH and especially young kids, most will make false promises to leave their family but won't.

I written this before and will share it with you - women at work often said to me "i wish my husband/oh was as nice/understanding as you." Being a very honest man I'd tell them I'm not perfect and its easy to be nice to people at work when you are not at home thinking about bills/repairs/property maintenance/family chats etc etc.

Your choice by IMHO, you will leave if you can if/when you get an offer and may just regret it.

possibly speak to your parents if you are close for guidance as most parents won't share what you said and will almost always give best advice even though most likley you will disagree 

MellyMooCow

comeandgo said:

Right, you are entitled to a happy life but you are thinking of your children which is fair enough.  What I would do is have a future plan but start now.  I’d open a secret bank account and put as much as you can away that does not ring alarm bells with your husband.  I was in a similar situation as you and my work were able to pay £100 of my wages into one bank account and the rest into the joint account my husband saw, he never saw my wage slips.  

In the next few years could you get a better job, do you need extra training to increase your skills?  I also had a furniture store when about year prior to my leaving I was paying up a bed, the store kept it in storage for me until I was ready for it and delivered it to my new flat when needed.  

I believe you are fantasising about these men because there is so much missing from your marriage.  Work on how to get out of it, you are still young and deserve a life.

Thank you for your reply. 

I have opened up a savings account that I have called Barbados - my dream holiday! But I do feel that I would use the money to move out.

Thankfully, I do have a good career. We both earn a similar amount and I have scope to progress in my career. I've also just started a masters to ensure I have additional job options in the future. If we could get some of this debt paid off then we would have more disposable income. I would be able to save more then.

I suppose I just feel that it is becoming harder and harder to stay in the relationship. But I can't justify destroying the stability we have managed to achieve.

MellyMooCow

diystarter7 said:

OP, hopefully venting here has made it a bit easier for you.
In my judgment you won't leave him because of kids at home, the mass of debt, he loves you you thin, and guilt. That is if you don't have a lover and until then you will stay with him.

I'm sure when you get an offer, you will be ready to fly but please be aware many men are ready to bs and all that to get you into bed and if they have a wife/OH and especially young kids, most will make false promises to leave their family but won't.

I written this before and will share it with you - women at work often said to me "i wish my husband/oh was as nice/understanding as you." Being a very honest man I'd tell them I'm not perfect and its easy to be nice to people at work when you are not at home thinking about bills/repairs/property maintenance/family chats etc etc.

Your choice by IMHO, you will leave if you can if/when you get an offer and may just regret it.

possibly speak to your parents if you are close for guidance as most parents won't share what you said and will almost always give best advice even though most likley you will disagree 

What you have said in the first paragraph is pretty true. 

However, I have had a couple of 'offers'... although mainly just offers of jumping into bed with them... which I am not prepared to do, regardless of how much I wanted to with every bone in my body!

I have always said to myself that IF I ever actually left, I would never leave for another man. I would leave for myself. If I struck up a relationship, I would rather not live together or become financially entangled again. I feel trapped and I never want this feeling again. 

74jax

If your kids were in a relationship like yours and came to you for advice saying they wanted to leave, would you honestly tell them to stay? 

diystarter7

MellyMooCow said:

diystarter7 said:

OP, hopefully venting here has made it a bit easier for you.
In my judgment you won't leave him because of kids at home, the mass of debt, he loves you you thin, and guilt. That is if you don't have a lover and until then you will stay with him.

I'm sure when you get an offer, you will be ready to fly but please be aware many men are ready to bs and all that to get you into bed and if they have a wife/OH and especially young kids, most will make false promises to leave their family but won't.

I written this before and will share it with you - women at work often said to me "i wish my husband/oh was as nice/understanding as you." Being a very honest man I'd tell them I'm not perfect and its easy to be nice to people at work when you are not at home thinking about bills/repairs/property maintenance/family chats etc etc.

Your choice by IMHO, you will leave if you can if/when you get an offer and may just regret it.

possibly speak to your parents if you are close for guidance as most parents won't share what you said and will almost always give best advice even though most likley you will disagree 

What you have said in the first paragraph is pretty true. 

However, I have had a couple of 'offers'... although mainly just offers of jumping into bed with them... which I am not prepared to do, regardless of how much I wanted to with every bone in my body!

I have always said to myself that IF I ever actually left, I would never leave for another man. I would leave for myself. If I struck up a relationship, I would rather not live together or become financially entangled again. I feel trapped and I never want this feeling again. 

Thank you.
You appear to be pretty much on the ball judging what you are saying
The only other thing left for me to say is, good luck and I sincerely hope it works out for you and your loved ones.
Take care.

onomatopoeia99

Have you talked seriously to your husband about any of this?

killerferret666

You sound just like my Mum & Dad to be honest, right down to her actions at work. They held on till i was 16 (bro 14) and all i saw on the years building up to the split was two people not in love.

When my mum has since said to me as an adult (im 39 now) I did it for you kids. I said to her the thought behind it was good, the action was wrong. Kids pick up more than you realise.

As for future prospects of your teen children; what about their relationship prospects? Because of what I saw going on between my parents its made it hard for me to trust people and get into a relationship with them, thinking i may never know what they truely are thinking. I also didnt want a family, that alone wasnt the only reason but was a part.

I hope that helps. As for the prospects you talk about. Ive done well for myself financially and career, but thats not everything. And i would have put my parents happiness above it all.

Money cant buy you health or time. Both should be used to the best you can and not wasted.