Want to leave but can't do it. 7 November 2022 at 8:09PM in Marriage, relationships & families 57 replies 4.8K views

MellyMooCow

turnitround said:

You are exactly the 'me' of 25 years ago. I wanted to leave for soooooo long but stayed for the kids who were in their teens at the time.

Same issues with my husband, (over 30 years together) he had also been a drinker and could be very nasty verbally and physically. Told him I wanted to split so many times and eventually he took me seriously and decided to kick the drink/other women and become what he saw as an ideal husband.
Which meant he wanted to be together 24-7. I couldnt go anywhere without him and on the odd occasion I did manage too he would call constantly and grill me about who I had spoken too, why I needed to be out so long etc, etc. He didnt even like me to go to bed before him as we 'should be together'. 

i put off leaving for years, always one reason or another, debt, parents dying, him being out of work, me having nowhere to go and many more reasons. I ha d all the threats about what he would do if I went and I was terrified. What he actually did was crumble, cry and beg me to return which was just as bad to deal with. 

I made so many plans as to how I would escape but in the end during one agreement I flipped and walked out. Went to a friends for coffee and a vent and never went home again.  Dealing with the fallout was the hardest thing I have ever done but oh, the feeling of freedom at the same time. I ended up in a grotty rental but the sheer joy of getting home from work, closing the curtains and putting on my pj's before bedtime (which was never allowed before) was sheer bliss.

Difficult as it was it was 100% the right thing to do, you only have one life.  My kids have spoken to me about it and the thing that surprised me was that they said that they could not understand way I had not left sooner. My son said he would have been far happier had I done so. I also think you need to be aware of the signals you are giving any daughters in the way you are
accepting being treated badly.

Keep stashing what you can afford into a secret account, think through what you will take when the time comes and prepare. I planned to find a rental and had all the towels/bedding split into 2 lots ready to start moving things I wanted when the time came.

Don't waste your life. There is better on the other side once you have gone through the initial trauma of leaving. Like you I wanted to leave 'for me' not another man. That was the last thing I wanted.  It is not the answer and just muddies the water.

25 years on I am in a very happy, equal relationship. It took me a long time to agree to marry again but my only regret I have in life is those wasted years.

It's not easy, the number of people who have since said to me 'Why didnt you just leave' have no idea of how hard it is to do after a long marriage and children.

But it is possible and you will get to the other side and be all the happier and stronger for it.  I was where you are now and I feel for you but dot waste the years.

I read this on my lunch and absolutely cried my eyes out. That says it all really. I wish I could write a huge reply, but all I really want to say is thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing this with me.

MellyMooCow

sheramber said:

Children know what is going on. They are not blind.  

They see how their friends parents act and  realise the difference.

They can also be affected by an unhappy marriage.  Moving out with them- they are old enough to make up their own minds- and giving them a stable , happy home  is better than living in a strained atmosphere.

If you are worried about your husband's actions after you leave that will apply even after the children are out of the house.  That worry will still be there.

It is a big step to take, going out into the unknown but only you can make that move.

You go out to work. You could arrange counselling during working hours and your husband wouldn't know.

Can you guarantee that the debt will be paid off and not increased over the years?

I can't be sure the debt won't rise. I am continually complaining about my husband wanting to buy things... Guitars, tech, paying subscriptions that are not/rarely used...

With regards to the children choosing where they live or when and how much time to spend at each home... of course they can. I just don't want to put that on them. I feel that will be stressful and upsetting. I know life isn't a bed of roses and I can't shield them their whole lives, but I would feel awful if I 'ruined' their lives by my actions.

I always kept thinking, I will leave when the debt is cleared, or the kids are 18, or at the right time of year etc... I clearly just keep putting it off and I am becoming more and more unhappy as the years go by.

MellyMooCow

Scorpio33 said:

Just to give you my perspective - I was akin to your other half and my (now ex) wife didn't love me. I am guessing like you she thought for a long while about it before I knew anything about it. I have a long thread about how I was feeling about it at the time.

A few things I would say:

1. If you decide to leave, it will be better eventually. Don't worry about the kids as much as you are. Kids are very resilient. From my experience, my kids are a lot happier now, seeing a couple that actually care for each other. If you want to leave, stop putting up barriers and do it for your own sanity.

2. Before deciding anything, check out your feelings first, ideally with the help of a counsellor. I am not saying this is the case, but I have seen many ladies regretting their decision afterwards as their own feelings were nothing to do with the relationship, it was more something going on with themselves. You will regret not exploring this, even if it is just to reaffirm what you already are thinking of.

3. When you are ready, talk to your other half open and honestly. Everything on the table - he will appreciate it in the long run. Chances are, he will be very blindsided by it (like I was) and will be hurt and will go through the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). Keep things formal and business like and he will get there eventually.


Only you will know what is best for you, but you need to put yourself first. The kids and your other half will adapt in the long run no matter what happens, its just the short term which will be difficult.

Post the break up (if it happens), my mantra is to think about what is best for the kids (if there are any disagreements between us) and to take the emotion out of decisions. It helps me and my ex have a very civil relationship.

Thank you so so much for sharing this. It cannot have been easy. I'm sorry things didn't work out with your wife, but I'm so glad to hear it has all settled down and you are both able to move on.

1. I am driving myself insane. You have hit it spot on here. I feel like I am going crazy, but I don't want to upset anyone. I don't want to be the cause of misery to others. I don't love him, but I don't hate him and so it is hard to hurt him. 

2. This is a good point. Just recently we went away on a 'romantic' weekend with no kids. It has cemented in my mind even more that I feel nothing for him. We had a nice time, but I could literally have been with a friend... that is how I see us. I sound heartless but I just feel nothing, empty.

3. How do I do this?? I don't where, when, how. If I do it at home, it will turn into an argument. I wouldn't want the kids to be around. I couldn't possibly do something like this in public... so I have no idea. 

I'm not sure I am strong enough at the moment for the short term difficulty!

Again, thank you so much for replying. Hearing the other side is so helpful. 

MellyMooCow

I researched the new style 'no fault' divorce procedure. 

I also would rather he moves into a new place rather than uprooting the kids, but I suppose I need to be realistic and be prepared for it to be me and the kids that move out.

I need to look at how to broach all this. I'm going to keep putting it off aren't I? Maybe I should just shut up and put up as it will be easier all round.

turnitround

MellyMooCow said:

sheramber said:

Children know what is going on. They are not blind.  

They see how their friends parents act and  realise the difference.

They can also be affected by an unhappy marriage.  Moving out with them- they are old enough to make up their own minds- and giving them a stable , happy home  is better than living in a strained atmosphere.

If you are worried about your husband's actions after you leave that will apply even after the children are out of the house.  That worry will still be there.

It is a big step to take, going out into the unknown but only you can make that move.

You go out to work. You could arrange counselling during working hours and your husband wouldn't know.

Can you guarantee that the debt will be paid off and not increased over the years?

I can't be sure the debt won't rise. I am continually complaining about my husband wanting to buy things... Guitars, tech, paying subscriptions that are not/rarely used...

With regards to the children choosing where they live or when and how much time to spend at each home... of course they can. I just don't want to put that on them. I feel that will be stressful and upsetting. I know life isn't a bed of roses and I can't shield them their whole lives, but I would feel awful if I 'ruined' their lives by my actions.

I always kept thinking, I will leave when the debt is cleared, or the kids are 18, or at the right time of year etc... I clearly just keep putting it off and I am becoming more and more unhappy as the years go by.

Just a couple of things to add to my earlier post (Thank you for the reply x), the 2 lines I have highlighted jumped out at me.

Firstly, you are not going to ruin their lives by your actions. Your husband is equally responsible for giving your children a secure happy childhood and he is not doing that. Therefore you are taking all the responsibility onto your already heavily burdened shoulders. Your children, like mine, will probably be happier in the long run when they see mum is happier. 
Yes there will be the initial shock and turmoil whilst the split is happening, but is a few months dealing with the fallout going to be any worse for them than living in what is clearly an unhappy home for the next few years. However much you try to mask what is going on sometimes its better for the children if you are just honest and help them through the split rather than pretending all is well when they know it is not. One of my children later told me that he actually felt guilty as he knew I was staying for the kids and he felt responsible for both me and his dad being unhappy. 

Secondly, you are right. You are putting off leaving. I did the same, there was always a reason that I 'couldnt go now'. Then I realised that all these reasons, financial problems, the childrens schooling, daughters' illness, his dad's death, his mother's death, him losing yet another job' his threats, struggling to keep our home from being repossessed, etc, etc, were in fact excuses which were just to give me time to pluck up the courage. 
There will never be a right time, any issues you face now will still be there in ten years time in one form or another. They may take a different form but they will still prevent you making the decision. It's impossible to say 'Right I am going on 4th Jan, 3rd March, 18th July or any other date. 

You only have to do this once. Your children will grow and make their own way in life and while they will always be a priority you also need to think about your life. No one lives forever.

BrassicWoman

MellyMooCow said:

I do feel like I need support, but there is little chance of me attending counselling as I wouldn't be allowed to. I certainly couldn't do it without my husband knowing. 

Then it is time to speak to Women's Aid; this sounds abusive.  They will help you work out if it is and next steps.

MellyMooCow

turnitround said:

MellyMooCow said:

sheramber said:

Children know what is going on. They are not blind.  

They see how their friends parents act and  realise the difference.

They can also be affected by an unhappy marriage.  Moving out with them- they are old enough to make up their own minds- and giving them a stable , happy home  is better than living in a strained atmosphere.

If you are worried about your husband's actions after you leave that will apply even after the children are out of the house.  That worry will still be there.

It is a big step to take, going out into the unknown but only you can make that move.

You go out to work. You could arrange counselling during working hours and your husband wouldn't know.

Can you guarantee that the debt will be paid off and not increased over the years?

I can't be sure the debt won't rise. I am continually complaining about my husband wanting to buy things... Guitars, tech, paying subscriptions that are not/rarely used...

With regards to the children choosing where they live or when and how much time to spend at each home... of course they can. I just don't want to put that on them. I feel that will be stressful and upsetting. I know life isn't a bed of roses and I can't shield them their whole lives, but I would feel awful if I 'ruined' their lives by my actions.

I always kept thinking, I will leave when the debt is cleared, or the kids are 18, or at the right time of year etc... I clearly just keep putting it off and I am becoming more and more unhappy as the years go by.

Just a couple of things to add to my earlier post (Thank you for the reply x), the 2 lines I have highlighted jumped out at me.

Firstly, you are not going to ruin their lives by your actions. Your husband is equally responsible for giving your children a secure happy childhood and he is not doing that. Therefore you are taking all the responsibility onto your already heavily burdened shoulders. Your children, like mine, will probably be happier in the long run when they see mum is happier. 
Yes there will be the initial shock and turmoil whilst the split is happening, but is a few months dealing with the fallout going to be any worse for them than living in what is clearly an unhappy home for the next few years. However much you try to mask what is going on sometimes its better for the children if you are just honest and help them through the split rather than pretending all is well when they know it is not. One of my children later told me that he actually felt guilty as he knew I was staying for the kids and he felt responsible for both me and his dad being unhappy. 

Secondly, you are right. You are putting off leaving. I did the same, there was always a reason that I 'couldnt go now'. Then I realised that all these reasons, financial problems, the childrens schooling, daughters' illness, his dad's death, his mother's death, him losing yet another job' his threats, struggling to keep our home from being repossessed, etc, etc, were in fact excuses which were just to give me time to pluck up the courage. 
There will never be a right time, any issues you face now will still be there in ten years time in one form or another. They may take a different form but they will still prevent you making the decision. It's impossible to say 'Right I am going on 4th Jan, 3rd March, 18th July or any other date. 

You only have to do this once. Your children will grow and make their own way in life and while they will always be a priority you also need to think about your life. No one lives forever.

Thank you for your support. I am going to get myself organised and bite the bullet - I hope. I kind of wish he would do something that would annoy me enough into taking action. 

I have no one to talk to in real life, so thank you again.

TBagpuss

MellyMooCow said:

Hi,

I am just here to offload really.

My husband and I have been together for 25yrs and I have wanted to leave for so so long. I still want to leave. I don't love him. I am not sexually attracted to him. We don't even have that much in common - I don't think we ever did really.

I've tried and tried to 'fall in love' with him, but I just can't. I know it is so easy for other people to just say leave, but how do I do that. What does that actually look like in real life. 

The main three things stopping me are:
1. We have four children, two have moved out now as they are older and the younger two are teenagers. I don't want them to have a broken home. The older two have done well at school and are out in the world as confident young adults, and I don't want to do anything that might hurt the future prospects of my teens. I want them to have stability so they can just focus on school. Our youngest will be 18 in 5yrs.

2. We have a lot of debt together. We owe in excess of 50k. That is made up of vehicle finance, credit cards and a loan. We rent our house so there is no equity to be released to pay off debt if we did separate. I would prefer to get rid of the debt before separating, if possible. I just feel that it would make everything easier. I envisage having it paid of in about 4-5yrs .

3. My husband seems to love me. This just makes it all the harder to tell him that I don't love him. However, he is very controlling and I don't know if he actually loves me, or just loves the security/easy life that I provide as I do everything in terms of looking after the kids, sorting out the finances, cooking, cleaning etc etc... you get the picture. I am not allowed out much as he has to know where I am at all times and if I ever go out he just comes with me. All that said, he is often affectionate and wants to be around me, wants me to sit next to him and wants to cuddle up etc. I hate it. I feel smothered and don't feel affectionate towards him at all. I don't want to break his heart though as we have been together a long time. I don't like upsetting people of hurting people. 

My thoughts are that I stay with him in order to pay the debt off and let the kids finish school with a stable home life. If I said I am leaving, he would make things very ugly indeed. I don't want the kids to go through that. He can be vicious with his words and actions (not violent) and he would try to slate me and he would make out that I am unstable, or am having an affair or something, just to turn people against me and he would try to have it so that he gets the kids to live with him, which sounds crazy as he doesn't do much in terms of their upbringing....  But that is just how he is. He wouldn't accept me just leaving, and he definitely would refuse to move out himself.

Just to throw a spanner in there and show that I am not just here trying to slate him, I am not whiter than white myself. A couple of times over the years I have become 'close' to men I have worked with. I have never ever cheated physically, so I have never even kissed any of these men, but I have become emotionally attached and I have dreamt about running off with them. Fantasised about being intimate with them, and have absolutely flirted with them both verbally and via text. I sometimes feel like I want to have an affair just so my husband will want to leave me and I don't have to tell him I don't love him. So it becomes his decision to leave... Which I know is ridiculous and I would never actually take it further as I couldn't do that to anyone.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Please don't say anything nasty as I am feeling a bit delicate and vulnerable writing all this down. Also don't just shout at me to leave as you can see, it is not that easy.

1. You won't ruin their lives. Right now, they are seeing you being controlled by your husband, which is not ideal as it does mean that they are learning that that kind of behaviour is normal / acceptable in a relationship. Unless leaving would mean that you were likely to be homeless then you are likely to be able to provide stability. 'Staying together for the sake of the children' is often not a great idea - often those children end up wishing that their parents had separated earlier. 


2. The debt is tricky - however, it may be worth you thinking about what's in your name as oppsoed to his , and what options you might have to reduce it or restructure it in a manageable way. How was it built up?  MAybe sit down and draw up nudgets to get a feel for how you might manage if you did leave - if the children were to chose to remain with you then they would be entitled to child support as well as your own earnings

3. A lot of what you describe isn't love, it's abuse. He doesn't allow you to go out without him knowing where and with whom, you are controlled to the extent that you couldn't speak to a counsellor without his knowledge, you're scared that he will lie about you to other people to try to isolate you if you left or otherwise don't do wjhat he wants - these are all pretty big red flags. Have a look at  https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/  and https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/ and see how much looks familiar. 

It's hard, especially because it sounds as though when you do decide to leave it will get worse before it gets better, but you might want to think about whether you want to endure another 5 years or bite the bullet now (or soon) and start building a new life. You worry about breaking his heart and the fact he might love you, but there doesn't seem to be any indication that heis concered about whether you are happy, or how he can support you or consider what you need or want. Why are your feelings por needs less importnat to you than his? 

You seem to be focussing on how he and the childnre will feel, rather than how you feel now, ther's a saying that you shouldn't set yourslef on fire to keep others warm - perhaps consider how far you are doing that.  

Whatever you decide, good luck.

MellyMooCow

TBagpuss said:

MellyMooCow said:

Hi,

I am just here to offload really.

My husband and I have been together for 25yrs and I have wanted to leave for so so long. I still want to leave. I don't love him. I am not sexually attracted to him. We don't even have that much in common - I don't think we ever did really.

I've tried and tried to 'fall in love' with him, but I just can't. I know it is so easy for other people to just say leave, but how do I do that. What does that actually look like in real life. 

The main three things stopping me are:
1. We have four children, two have moved out now as they are older and the younger two are teenagers. I don't want them to have a broken home. The older two have done well at school and are out in the world as confident young adults, and I don't want to do anything that might hurt the future prospects of my teens. I want them to have stability so they can just focus on school. Our youngest will be 18 in 5yrs.

2. We have a lot of debt together. We owe in excess of 50k. That is made up of vehicle finance, credit cards and a loan. We rent our house so there is no equity to be released to pay off debt if we did separate. I would prefer to get rid of the debt before separating, if possible. I just feel that it would make everything easier. I envisage having it paid of in about 4-5yrs .

3. My husband seems to love me. This just makes it all the harder to tell him that I don't love him. However, he is very controlling and I don't know if he actually loves me, or just loves the security/easy life that I provide as I do everything in terms of looking after the kids, sorting out the finances, cooking, cleaning etc etc... you get the picture. I am not allowed out much as he has to know where I am at all times and if I ever go out he just comes with me. All that said, he is often affectionate and wants to be around me, wants me to sit next to him and wants to cuddle up etc. I hate it. I feel smothered and don't feel affectionate towards him at all. I don't want to break his heart though as we have been together a long time. I don't like upsetting people of hurting people. 

My thoughts are that I stay with him in order to pay the debt off and let the kids finish school with a stable home life. If I said I am leaving, he would make things very ugly indeed. I don't want the kids to go through that. He can be vicious with his words and actions (not violent) and he would try to slate me and he would make out that I am unstable, or am having an affair or something, just to turn people against me and he would try to have it so that he gets the kids to live with him, which sounds crazy as he doesn't do much in terms of their upbringing....  But that is just how he is. He wouldn't accept me just leaving, and he definitely would refuse to move out himself.

Just to throw a spanner in there and show that I am not just here trying to slate him, I am not whiter than white myself. A couple of times over the years I have become 'close' to men I have worked with. I have never ever cheated physically, so I have never even kissed any of these men, but I have become emotionally attached and I have dreamt about running off with them. Fantasised about being intimate with them, and have absolutely flirted with them both verbally and via text. I sometimes feel like I want to have an affair just so my husband will want to leave me and I don't have to tell him I don't love him. So it becomes his decision to leave... Which I know is ridiculous and I would never actually take it further as I couldn't do that to anyone.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Please don't say anything nasty as I am feeling a bit delicate and vulnerable writing all this down. Also don't just shout at me to leave as you can see, it is not that easy.

1. You won't ruin their lives. Right now, they are seeing you being controlled by your husband, which is not ideal as it does mean that they are learning that that kind of behaviour is normal / acceptable in a relationship. Unless leaving would mean that you were likely to be homeless then you are likely to be able to provide stability. 'Staying together for the sake of the children' is often not a great idea - often those children end up wishing that their parents had separated earlier. 


2. The debt is tricky - however, it may be worth you thinking about what's in your name as oppsoed to his , and what options you might have to reduce it or restructure it in a manageable way. How was it built up?  MAybe sit down and draw up nudgets to get a feel for how you might manage if you did leave - if the children were to chose to remain with you then they would be entitled to child support as well as your own earnings

3. A lot of what you describe isn't love, it's abuse. He doesn't allow you to go out without him knowing where and with whom, you are controlled to the extent that you couldn't speak to a counsellor without his knowledge, you're scared that he will lie about you to other people to try to isolate you if you left or otherwise don't do wjhat he wants - these are all pretty big red flags. Have a look at  https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/  and https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/ and see how much looks familiar. 

It's hard, especially because it sounds as though when you do decide to leave it will get worse before it gets better, but you might want to think about whether you want to endure another 5 years or bite the bullet now (or soon) and start building a new life. You worry about breaking his heart and the fact he might love you, but there doesn't seem to be any indication that heis concered about whether you are happy, or how he can support you or consider what you need or want. Why are your feelings por needs less importnat to you than his? 

You seem to be focussing on how he and the childnre will feel, rather than how you feel now, ther's a saying that you shouldn't set yourslef on fire to keep others warm - perhaps consider how far you are doing that.  

Whatever you decide, good luck.

I am sure they would live with me. This makes me feel guilty. I feel bad for them having to make a decision like that. and I would feel bad for my husband that they chose not to live with him.... I mean, my son may actually choose to live with his dad instead of me! I would be devastated, but I would accept their choice.

It is going to be very hard. I wish I could just say I don't love him and want to separate and he would accept it and we could be amicable and make arrangements that are in the best interest of everyone. I know this will absolutely not be the case. 

I keep imagining saying it to him, I keep running through different scenarios in my mind. I keep just thinking shall I bite the bullet and just get it over and done with. Then I think I should just wait and get things organised first. I don't know what is best to do.

Thank you for your reply.

74jax

MellyMooCow said:

TBagpuss said:

MellyMooCow said:

Hi,

I am just here to offload really.

My husband and I have been together for 25yrs and I have wanted to leave for so so long. I still want to leave. I don't love him. I am not sexually attracted to him. We don't even have that much in common - I don't think we ever did really.

I've tried and tried to 'fall in love' with him, but I just can't. I know it is so easy for other people to just say leave, but how do I do that. What does that actually look like in real life. 

The main three things stopping me are:
1. We have four children, two have moved out now as they are older and the younger two are teenagers. I don't want them to have a broken home. The older two have done well at school and are out in the world as confident young adults, and I don't want to do anything that might hurt the future prospects of my teens. I want them to have stability so they can just focus on school. Our youngest will be 18 in 5yrs.

2. We have a lot of debt together. We owe in excess of 50k. That is made up of vehicle finance, credit cards and a loan. We rent our house so there is no equity to be released to pay off debt if we did separate. I would prefer to get rid of the debt before separating, if possible. I just feel that it would make everything easier. I envisage having it paid of in about 4-5yrs .

3. My husband seems to love me. This just makes it all the harder to tell him that I don't love him. However, he is very controlling and I don't know if he actually loves me, or just loves the security/easy life that I provide as I do everything in terms of looking after the kids, sorting out the finances, cooking, cleaning etc etc... you get the picture. I am not allowed out much as he has to know where I am at all times and if I ever go out he just comes with me. All that said, he is often affectionate and wants to be around me, wants me to sit next to him and wants to cuddle up etc. I hate it. I feel smothered and don't feel affectionate towards him at all. I don't want to break his heart though as we have been together a long time. I don't like upsetting people of hurting people. 

My thoughts are that I stay with him in order to pay the debt off and let the kids finish school with a stable home life. If I said I am leaving, he would make things very ugly indeed. I don't want the kids to go through that. He can be vicious with his words and actions (not violent) and he would try to slate me and he would make out that I am unstable, or am having an affair or something, just to turn people against me and he would try to have it so that he gets the kids to live with him, which sounds crazy as he doesn't do much in terms of their upbringing....  But that is just how he is. He wouldn't accept me just leaving, and he definitely would refuse to move out himself.

Just to throw a spanner in there and show that I am not just here trying to slate him, I am not whiter than white myself. A couple of times over the years I have become 'close' to men I have worked with. I have never ever cheated physically, so I have never even kissed any of these men, but I have become emotionally attached and I have dreamt about running off with them. Fantasised about being intimate with them, and have absolutely flirted with them both verbally and via text. I sometimes feel like I want to have an affair just so my husband will want to leave me and I don't have to tell him I don't love him. So it becomes his decision to leave... Which I know is ridiculous and I would never actually take it further as I couldn't do that to anyone.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Please don't say anything nasty as I am feeling a bit delicate and vulnerable writing all this down. Also don't just shout at me to leave as you can see, it is not that easy.

1. You won't ruin their lives. Right now, they are seeing you being controlled by your husband, which is not ideal as it does mean that they are learning that that kind of behaviour is normal / acceptable in a relationship. Unless leaving would mean that you were likely to be homeless then you are likely to be able to provide stability. 'Staying together for the sake of the children' is often not a great idea - often those children end up wishing that their parents had separated earlier. 


2. The debt is tricky - however, it may be worth you thinking about what's in your name as oppsoed to his , and what options you might have to reduce it or restructure it in a manageable way. How was it built up?  MAybe sit down and draw up nudgets to get a feel for how you might manage if you did leave - if the children were to chose to remain with you then they would be entitled to child support as well as your own earnings

3. A lot of what you describe isn't love, it's abuse. He doesn't allow you to go out without him knowing where and with whom, you are controlled to the extent that you couldn't speak to a counsellor without his knowledge, you're scared that he will lie about you to other people to try to isolate you if you left or otherwise don't do wjhat he wants - these are all pretty big red flags. Have a look at  https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/  and https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/ and see how much looks familiar. 

It's hard, especially because it sounds as though when you do decide to leave it will get worse before it gets better, but you might want to think about whether you want to endure another 5 years or bite the bullet now (or soon) and start building a new life. You worry about breaking his heart and the fact he might love you, but there doesn't seem to be any indication that heis concered about whether you are happy, or how he can support you or consider what you need or want. Why are your feelings por needs less importnat to you than his? 

You seem to be focussing on how he and the childnre will feel, rather than how you feel now, ther's a saying that you shouldn't set yourslef on fire to keep others warm - perhaps consider how far you are doing that.  

Whatever you decide, good luck.

I am sure they would live with me. This makes me feel guilty. I feel bad for them having to make a decision like that.
Do you feel bad that you are not giving them the option to make a decision to see their parents happy - that their only option is to see both unhappy and tired to each other. ? 

and I would feel bad for my husband that they chose not to live with him
Do you not (in any way) see it as his choosing?  It's what he has chosen/done? I'm struggling to see why you feel it's you who can control his behaviour.  If the kids are OK with him, look at 50/50,they see the both of you, but happy separatly. 

... I mean, my son may actually choose to live with his dad instead of me! I would be devastated, but I would accept their choice.
Do you think your husband would be guilty over this? 


It is going to be very hard. I wish I could just say I don't love him and want to separate and he would accept it and we could be amicable and make arrangements that are in the best interest of everyone. I know this will absolutely not be the case. 

I keep imagining saying it to him, I keep running through different scenarios in my mind. I keep just thinking shall I bite the bullet and just get it over and done with. Then I think I should just wait and get things organised first. I don't know what is best to do.

Thank you for your reply.

Do you know why you feel responsible for your husband actions, over the responsibilities to yourself and your children? It is a honest question as I think it might help.  Do you mother the children AND him? If so just stop. Then maybe in a month you can take another step towards leaving.

I'm not saying it's easy - I have so many threads on here about leaving an abusive relationship. Mine was about 20yrs ago now, and you don't forget it, but it does get easier. 

I think you need to work on you first. Your needs, your children's needs and how you move forward. 

Do you want to feel this way next week? Next month? Next year?