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Want to leave but can't do it.
in Marriage, relationships & families
57 replies 4.8K views
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With regards to the children choosing where they live or when and how much time to spend at each home... of course they can. I just don't want to put that on them. I feel that will be stressful and upsetting. I know life isn't a bed of roses and I can't shield them their whole lives, but I would feel awful if I 'ruined' their lives by my actions.
I always kept thinking, I will leave when the debt is cleared, or the kids are 18, or at the right time of year etc... I clearly just keep putting it off and I am becoming more and more unhappy as the years go by.
1. I am driving myself insane. You have hit it spot on here. I feel like I am going crazy, but I don't want to upset anyone. I don't want to be the cause of misery to others. I don't love him, but I don't hate him and so it is hard to hurt him.
2. This is a good point. Just recently we went away on a 'romantic' weekend with no kids. It has cemented in my mind even more that I feel nothing for him. We had a nice time, but I could literally have been with a friend... that is how I see us. I sound heartless but I just feel nothing, empty.
3. How do I do this?? I don't where, when, how. If I do it at home, it will turn into an argument. I wouldn't want the kids to be around. I couldn't possibly do something like this in public... so I have no idea.
I'm not sure I am strong enough at the moment for the short term difficulty!
Again, thank you so much for replying. Hearing the other side is so helpful.
I also would rather he moves into a new place rather than uprooting the kids, but I suppose I need to be realistic and be prepared for it to be me and the kids that move out.
I need to look at how to broach all this. I'm going to keep putting it off aren't I? Maybe I should just shut up and put up as it will be easier all round.
Firstly, you are not going to ruin their lives by your actions. Your husband is equally responsible for giving your children a secure happy childhood and he is not doing that. Therefore you are taking all the responsibility onto your already heavily burdened shoulders. Your children, like mine, will probably be happier in the long run when they see mum is happier.
Yes there will be the initial shock and turmoil whilst the split is happening, but is a few months dealing with the fallout going to be any worse for them than living in what is clearly an unhappy home for the next few years. However much you try to mask what is going on sometimes its better for the children if you are just honest and help them through the split rather than pretending all is well when they know it is not. One of my children later told me that he actually felt guilty as he knew I was staying for the kids and he felt responsible for both me and his dad being unhappy.
Secondly, you are right. You are putting off leaving. I did the same, there was always a reason that I 'couldnt go now'. Then I realised that all these reasons, financial problems, the childrens schooling, daughters' illness, his dad's death, his mother's death, him losing yet another job' his threats, struggling to keep our home from being repossessed, etc, etc, were in fact excuses which were just to give me time to pluck up the courage.
There will never be a right time, any issues you face now will still be there in ten years time in one form or another. They may take a different form but they will still prevent you making the decision. It's impossible to say 'Right I am going on 4th Jan, 3rd March, 18th July or any other date.
You only have to do this once. Your children will grow and make their own way in life and while they will always be a priority you also need to think about your life. No one lives forever.
I have no one to talk to in real life, so thank you again.
2. The debt is tricky - however, it may be worth you thinking about what's in your name as oppsoed to his , and what options you might have to reduce it or restructure it in a manageable way. How was it built up? MAybe sit down and draw up nudgets to get a feel for how you might manage if you did leave - if the children were to chose to remain with you then they would be entitled to child support as well as your own earnings
3. A lot of what you describe isn't love, it's abuse. He doesn't allow you to go out without him knowing where and with whom, you are controlled to the extent that you couldn't speak to a counsellor without his knowledge, you're scared that he will lie about you to other people to try to isolate you if you left or otherwise don't do wjhat he wants - these are all pretty big red flags. Have a look at https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/ and https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/ and see how much looks familiar.
It's hard, especially because it sounds as though when you do decide to leave it will get worse before it gets better, but you might want to think about whether you want to endure another 5 years or bite the bullet now (or soon) and start building a new life. You worry about breaking his heart and the fact he might love you, but there doesn't seem to be any indication that heis concered about whether you are happy, or how he can support you or consider what you need or want. Why are your feelings por needs less importnat to you than his?
You seem to be focussing on how he and the childnre will feel, rather than how you feel now, ther's a saying that you shouldn't set yourslef on fire to keep others warm - perhaps consider how far you are doing that.
Whatever you decide, good luck.
It is going to be very hard. I wish I could just say I don't love him and want to separate and he would accept it and we could be amicable and make arrangements that are in the best interest of everyone. I know this will absolutely not be the case.
I keep imagining saying it to him, I keep running through different scenarios in my mind. I keep just thinking shall I bite the bullet and just get it over and done with. Then I think I should just wait and get things organised first. I don't know what is best to do.
Thank you for your reply.
I'm not saying it's easy - I have so many threads on here about leaving an abusive relationship. Mine was about 20yrs ago now, and you don't forget it, but it does get easier.
I think you need to work on you first. Your needs, your children's needs and how you move forward.
Do you want to feel this way next week? Next month? Next year?