Want to leave but can't do it. 7 November 2022 at 8:09PM in Marriage, relationships & families 57 replies 4.8K views

sheramber

It might help  to talk to your adult children.

Scorpio33

MellyMooCow said:

TBagpuss said:

MellyMooCow said:

Hi,

I am just here to offload really.

My husband and I have been together for 25yrs and I have wanted to leave for so so long. I still want to leave. I don't love him. I am not sexually attracted to him. We don't even have that much in common - I don't think we ever did really.

I've tried and tried to 'fall in love' with him, but I just can't. I know it is so easy for other people to just say leave, but how do I do that. What does that actually look like in real life. 

The main three things stopping me are:
1. We have four children, two have moved out now as they are older and the younger two are teenagers. I don't want them to have a broken home. The older two have done well at school and are out in the world as confident young adults, and I don't want to do anything that might hurt the future prospects of my teens. I want them to have stability so they can just focus on school. Our youngest will be 18 in 5yrs.

2. We have a lot of debt together. We owe in excess of 50k. That is made up of vehicle finance, credit cards and a loan. We rent our house so there is no equity to be released to pay off debt if we did separate. I would prefer to get rid of the debt before separating, if possible. I just feel that it would make everything easier. I envisage having it paid of in about 4-5yrs .

3. My husband seems to love me. This just makes it all the harder to tell him that I don't love him. However, he is very controlling and I don't know if he actually loves me, or just loves the security/easy life that I provide as I do everything in terms of looking after the kids, sorting out the finances, cooking, cleaning etc etc... you get the picture. I am not allowed out much as he has to know where I am at all times and if I ever go out he just comes with me. All that said, he is often affectionate and wants to be around me, wants me to sit next to him and wants to cuddle up etc. I hate it. I feel smothered and don't feel affectionate towards him at all. I don't want to break his heart though as we have been together a long time. I don't like upsetting people of hurting people. 

My thoughts are that I stay with him in order to pay the debt off and let the kids finish school with a stable home life. If I said I am leaving, he would make things very ugly indeed. I don't want the kids to go through that. He can be vicious with his words and actions (not violent) and he would try to slate me and he would make out that I am unstable, or am having an affair or something, just to turn people against me and he would try to have it so that he gets the kids to live with him, which sounds crazy as he doesn't do much in terms of their upbringing....  But that is just how he is. He wouldn't accept me just leaving, and he definitely would refuse to move out himself.

Just to throw a spanner in there and show that I am not just here trying to slate him, I am not whiter than white myself. A couple of times over the years I have become 'close' to men I have worked with. I have never ever cheated physically, so I have never even kissed any of these men, but I have become emotionally attached and I have dreamt about running off with them. Fantasised about being intimate with them, and have absolutely flirted with them both verbally and via text. I sometimes feel like I want to have an affair just so my husband will want to leave me and I don't have to tell him I don't love him. So it becomes his decision to leave... Which I know is ridiculous and I would never actually take it further as I couldn't do that to anyone.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Please don't say anything nasty as I am feeling a bit delicate and vulnerable writing all this down. Also don't just shout at me to leave as you can see, it is not that easy.

1. You won't ruin their lives. Right now, they are seeing you being controlled by your husband, which is not ideal as it does mean that they are learning that that kind of behaviour is normal / acceptable in a relationship. Unless leaving would mean that you were likely to be homeless then you are likely to be able to provide stability. 'Staying together for the sake of the children' is often not a great idea - often those children end up wishing that their parents had separated earlier. 


2. The debt is tricky - however, it may be worth you thinking about what's in your name as oppsoed to his , and what options you might have to reduce it or restructure it in a manageable way. How was it built up?  MAybe sit down and draw up nudgets to get a feel for how you might manage if you did leave - if the children were to chose to remain with you then they would be entitled to child support as well as your own earnings

3. A lot of what you describe isn't love, it's abuse. He doesn't allow you to go out without him knowing where and with whom, you are controlled to the extent that you couldn't speak to a counsellor without his knowledge, you're scared that he will lie about you to other people to try to isolate you if you left or otherwise don't do wjhat he wants - these are all pretty big red flags. Have a look at  https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/  and https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/ and see how much looks familiar. 

It's hard, especially because it sounds as though when you do decide to leave it will get worse before it gets better, but you might want to think about whether you want to endure another 5 years or bite the bullet now (or soon) and start building a new life. You worry about breaking his heart and the fact he might love you, but there doesn't seem to be any indication that heis concered about whether you are happy, or how he can support you or consider what you need or want. Why are your feelings por needs less importnat to you than his? 

You seem to be focussing on how he and the childnre will feel, rather than how you feel now, ther's a saying that you shouldn't set yourslef on fire to keep others warm - perhaps consider how far you are doing that.  

Whatever you decide, good luck.

I am sure they would live with me. This makes me feel guilty. I feel bad for them having to make a decision like that. and I would feel bad for my husband that they chose not to live with him.... I mean, my son may actually choose to live with his dad instead of me! I would be devastated, but I would accept their choice.

It is going to be very hard. I wish I could just say I don't love him and want to separate and he would accept it and we could be amicable and make arrangements that are in the best interest of everyone. I know this will absolutely not be the case. 

I keep imagining saying it to him, I keep running through different scenarios in my mind. I keep just thinking shall I bite the bullet and just get it over and done with. Then I think I should just wait and get things organised first. I don't know what is best to do.

Thank you for your reply.

I think the thing that hurt me the most when my ex told me was that she didn't speak to me about it earlier. The later you leave it, the more the current state of affairs goes on and the more you and your other half will be living in a fantasy land.  For me, her telling me hurt in the short term, but with lots of counselling and friends support, I am so much happier now. He may even thank you in the long term.

What I would do is write down how you are feeling. Get all your thoughts down on paper as to why and write down exactly what you want to say to him. My guess is that he will be a typical man and want to know how to "fix" things, so be prepared to give reasons as to why its not working and why it can't be fixed. If you don't have them, then just be honest and say that.

Once you have got your thoughts on paper, try and arrange some private time with him away from everyone else. Even if you just text him "we need to talk, can we sit down at x pm". 

There is no perfect time to have this conversation, you can always give excuses as to why you should be leaving it, but honestly, the longer you leave it, the worse it will get. It will be scary, but it needs to happen. The longer you are living a lie, the harder it gets to sort things out.

Once you sit down, explain to him you have written some things down to get things clear in your head. If you find it that difficult to talk, just show him what you've written. It is better than not saying anything.

You can't go through life not doing things as you are to scared of hurting people. If you never hurt people, you are not being honest with yourself. You need to put yourself first.

pinkshoes

MellyMooCow said:

 I am not allowed out much as he has to know where I am at all times and if I ever go out he just comes with me. 

Just read what you have written in your first post that I have highlighted in bold...

That's not a relationship. 

Maybe you need to think about it a different way, that leaving would be putting the kids first as you are showing them that someone being that controlling is not acceptable and it's OK to walk away when you're not being treated right.

If you stay, you need to fight back more and TELL him you ARE going out and he is not coming with you. 

MellyMooCow

pinkshoes said:

MellyMooCow said:

 I am not allowed out much as he has to know where I am at all times and if I ever go out he just comes with me. 

Just read what you have written in your first post that I have highlighted in bold...

That's not a relationship. 

Maybe you need to think about it a different way, that leaving would be putting the kids first as you are showing them that someone being that controlling is not acceptable and it's OK to walk away when you're not being treated right.

If you stay, you need to fight back more and TELL him you ARE going out and he is not coming with you. 

The last times I tried this was maybe 10yrs or more ago. Each time I tried it ended in a huge fight, so big the neighbours called the police. That happened maybe 3 times and I stopped trying. I couldn't put my kids through the police turning up every time I wanted to go out.

I don't know how it would go if I insisted on it now. I haven't wanted to try it out to see. Maybe it would be different now?

MellyMooCow

Scorpio33 said:

MellyMooCow said:

TBagpuss said:

MellyMooCow said:

Hi,

I am just here to offload really.

My husband and I have been together for 25yrs and I have wanted to leave for so so long. I still want to leave. I don't love him. I am not sexually attracted to him. We don't even have that much in common - I don't think we ever did really.

I've tried and tried to 'fall in love' with him, but I just can't. I know it is so easy for other people to just say leave, but how do I do that. What does that actually look like in real life. 

The main three things stopping me are:
1. We have four children, two have moved out now as they are older and the younger two are teenagers. I don't want them to have a broken home. The older two have done well at school and are out in the world as confident young adults, and I don't want to do anything that might hurt the future prospects of my teens. I want them to have stability so they can just focus on school. Our youngest will be 18 in 5yrs.

2. We have a lot of debt together. We owe in excess of 50k. That is made up of vehicle finance, credit cards and a loan. We rent our house so there is no equity to be released to pay off debt if we did separate. I would prefer to get rid of the debt before separating, if possible. I just feel that it would make everything easier. I envisage having it paid of in about 4-5yrs .

3. My husband seems to love me. This just makes it all the harder to tell him that I don't love him. However, he is very controlling and I don't know if he actually loves me, or just loves the security/easy life that I provide as I do everything in terms of looking after the kids, sorting out the finances, cooking, cleaning etc etc... you get the picture. I am not allowed out much as he has to know where I am at all times and if I ever go out he just comes with me. All that said, he is often affectionate and wants to be around me, wants me to sit next to him and wants to cuddle up etc. I hate it. I feel smothered and don't feel affectionate towards him at all. I don't want to break his heart though as we have been together a long time. I don't like upsetting people of hurting people. 

My thoughts are that I stay with him in order to pay the debt off and let the kids finish school with a stable home life. If I said I am leaving, he would make things very ugly indeed. I don't want the kids to go through that. He can be vicious with his words and actions (not violent) and he would try to slate me and he would make out that I am unstable, or am having an affair or something, just to turn people against me and he would try to have it so that he gets the kids to live with him, which sounds crazy as he doesn't do much in terms of their upbringing....  But that is just how he is. He wouldn't accept me just leaving, and he definitely would refuse to move out himself.

Just to throw a spanner in there and show that I am not just here trying to slate him, I am not whiter than white myself. A couple of times over the years I have become 'close' to men I have worked with. I have never ever cheated physically, so I have never even kissed any of these men, but I have become emotionally attached and I have dreamt about running off with them. Fantasised about being intimate with them, and have absolutely flirted with them both verbally and via text. I sometimes feel like I want to have an affair just so my husband will want to leave me and I don't have to tell him I don't love him. So it becomes his decision to leave... Which I know is ridiculous and I would never actually take it further as I couldn't do that to anyone.

Thank you for reading my ramblings. Please don't say anything nasty as I am feeling a bit delicate and vulnerable writing all this down. Also don't just shout at me to leave as you can see, it is not that easy.

1. You won't ruin their lives. Right now, they are seeing you being controlled by your husband, which is not ideal as it does mean that they are learning that that kind of behaviour is normal / acceptable in a relationship. Unless leaving would mean that you were likely to be homeless then you are likely to be able to provide stability. 'Staying together for the sake of the children' is often not a great idea - often those children end up wishing that their parents had separated earlier. 


2. The debt is tricky - however, it may be worth you thinking about what's in your name as oppsoed to his , and what options you might have to reduce it or restructure it in a manageable way. How was it built up?  MAybe sit down and draw up nudgets to get a feel for how you might manage if you did leave - if the children were to chose to remain with you then they would be entitled to child support as well as your own earnings

3. A lot of what you describe isn't love, it's abuse. He doesn't allow you to go out without him knowing where and with whom, you are controlled to the extent that you couldn't speak to a counsellor without his knowledge, you're scared that he will lie about you to other people to try to isolate you if you left or otherwise don't do wjhat he wants - these are all pretty big red flags. Have a look at  https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/  and https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/ and see how much looks familiar. 

It's hard, especially because it sounds as though when you do decide to leave it will get worse before it gets better, but you might want to think about whether you want to endure another 5 years or bite the bullet now (or soon) and start building a new life. You worry about breaking his heart and the fact he might love you, but there doesn't seem to be any indication that heis concered about whether you are happy, or how he can support you or consider what you need or want. Why are your feelings por needs less importnat to you than his? 

You seem to be focussing on how he and the childnre will feel, rather than how you feel now, ther's a saying that you shouldn't set yourslef on fire to keep others warm - perhaps consider how far you are doing that.  

Whatever you decide, good luck.

I am sure they would live with me. This makes me feel guilty. I feel bad for them having to make a decision like that. and I would feel bad for my husband that they chose not to live with him.... I mean, my son may actually choose to live with his dad instead of me! I would be devastated, but I would accept their choice.

It is going to be very hard. I wish I could just say I don't love him and want to separate and he would accept it and we could be amicable and make arrangements that are in the best interest of everyone. I know this will absolutely not be the case. 

I keep imagining saying it to him, I keep running through different scenarios in my mind. I keep just thinking shall I bite the bullet and just get it over and done with. Then I think I should just wait and get things organised first. I don't know what is best to do.

Thank you for your reply.

I think the thing that hurt me the most when my ex told me was that she didn't speak to me about it earlier. The later you leave it, the more the current state of affairs goes on and the more you and your other half will be living in a fantasy land.  For me, her telling me hurt in the short term, but with lots of counselling and friends support, I am so much happier now. He may even thank you in the long term.

What I would do is write down how you are feeling. Get all your thoughts down on paper as to why and write down exactly what you want to say to him. My guess is that he will be a typical man and want to know how to "fix" things, so be prepared to give reasons as to why its not working and why it can't be fixed. If you don't have them, then just be honest and say that.

Once you have got your thoughts on paper, try and arrange some private time with him away from everyone else. Even if you just text him "we need to talk, can we sit down at x pm". 

There is no perfect time to have this conversation, you can always give excuses as to why you should be leaving it, but honestly, the longer you leave it, the worse it will get. It will be scary, but it needs to happen. The longer you are living a lie, the harder it gets to sort things out.

Once you sit down, explain to him you have written some things down to get things clear in your head. If you find it that difficult to talk, just show him what you've written. It is better than not saying anything.

You can't go through life not doing things as you are to scared of hurting people. If you never hurt people, you are not being honest with yourself. You need to put yourself first.

I do honestly think that I would be doing us both a favour. He deserves the opportunity to be with some who loves him. He always says I am cold hearted and emotionless, he must know deep down that I don't love him. I just know he won't see it like that at first and will cause hell. It is just going to seem like it has come out of nowhere.

I was thinking that I might make some notes to get things clear in my own head.

And you are right, I am never honest with myself. I just want to make sure everyone else is happy. I can't bear upsetting people.

turnitround

pinkshoes said:

MellyMooCow said:

 I am not allowed out much as he has to know where I am at all times and if I ever go out he just comes with me. 

Just read what you have written in your first post that I have highlighted in bold...

That's not a relationship. 

Maybe you need to think about it a different way, that leaving would be putting the kids first as you are showing them that someone being that controlling is not acceptable and it's OK to walk away when you're not being treated right.

If you stay, you need to fight back more and TELL him you ARE going out and he is not coming with you. 

That is very easy to say but impossible to do if you are in MellyMooCow's shoes.  Iv'e been there and the result of doing this would be unbearable. Plus that fact that whilst you are out all you do is worry about what will greet you when you return home. My husband would ring me constantly to check where I was, on occasion he would follow me, even going to the shop was timed and when you are in this position its much simpler to stay home and not rock the boat. Which is exactly what the abuser wants. 

RobM99

turnitround said:

pinkshoes said:

MellyMooCow said:

 I am not allowed out much as he has to know where I am at all times and if I ever go out he just comes with me. 

Just read what you have written in your first post that I have highlighted in bold...

That's not a relationship. 

Maybe you need to think about it a different way, that leaving would be putting the kids first as you are showing them that someone being that controlling is not acceptable and it's OK to walk away when you're not being treated right.

If you stay, you need to fight back more and TELL him you ARE going out and he is not coming with you. 

That is very easy to say but impossible to do if you are in MellyMooCow's shoes.  Iv'e been there and the result of doing this would be unbearable. Plus that fact that whilst you are out all you do is worry about what will greet you when you return home. My husband would ring me constantly to check where I was, on occasion he would follow me, even going to the shop was timed and when you are in this position its much simpler to stay home and not rock the boat. Which is exactly what the abuser wants. 

Precisely - an abusive control freak!

pinkshoes

MellyMooCow said:

pinkshoes said:

MellyMooCow said:

 I am not allowed out much as he has to know where I am at all times and if I ever go out he just comes with me. 

Just read what you have written in your first post that I have highlighted in bold...

That's not a relationship. 

Maybe you need to think about it a different way, that leaving would be putting the kids first as you are showing them that someone being that controlling is not acceptable and it's OK to walk away when you're not being treated right.

If you stay, you need to fight back more and TELL him you ARE going out and he is not coming with you. 

The last times I tried this was maybe 10yrs or more ago. Each time I tried it ended in a huge fight, so big the neighbours called the police. That happened maybe 3 times and I stopped trying. I couldn't put my kids through the police turning up every time I wanted to go out.

I don't know how it would go if I insisted on it now. I haven't wanted to try it out to see. Maybe it would be different now?

If you're not allowed to go out on your own and trying to results in the police being called, then this is NOT a relationship you have with this man.

It comes under the category of coercive behaviour, so if the neighbours have to call the police, then speak to the police and let them know what is going on. This topic has been in the news a lot recently with a well known football player being charged with "engaging with coercive and controlling behaviour". It's a criminal offence:

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

You haven't been out without him for 10 years?!? Perhaps do it when the kids are out? That way if it results in a a huge row and the police being called, they don't have to witness it and you can explain to the police that he is refusing to let you go out and you haven't been allowed to go out on you own for 10 years. Tell the police you want to leave with the kids but he won't let you.

The police being called isn't a bad thing if it gives you the opportunity to speak out.

MellyMooCow

pinkshoes said:

MellyMooCow said:

pinkshoes said:

MellyMooCow said:

 I am not allowed out much as he has to know where I am at all times and if I ever go out he just comes with me. 

Just read what you have written in your first post that I have highlighted in bold...

That's not a relationship. 

Maybe you need to think about it a different way, that leaving would be putting the kids first as you are showing them that someone being that controlling is not acceptable and it's OK to walk away when you're not being treated right.

If you stay, you need to fight back more and TELL him you ARE going out and he is not coming with you. 

The last times I tried this was maybe 10yrs or more ago. Each time I tried it ended in a huge fight, so big the neighbours called the police. That happened maybe 3 times and I stopped trying. I couldn't put my kids through the police turning up every time I wanted to go out.

I don't know how it would go if I insisted on it now. I haven't wanted to try it out to see. Maybe it would be different now?

If you're not allowed to go out on your own and trying to results in the police being called, then this is NOT a relationship you have with this man.

It comes under the category of coercive behaviour, so if the neighbours have to call the police, then speak to the police and let them know what is going on. This topic has been in the news a lot recently with a well known football player being charged with "engaging with coercive and controlling behaviour". It's a criminal offence:

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/controlling-or-coercive-behaviour-intimate-or-family-relationship

You haven't been out without him for 10 years?!? Perhaps do it when the kids are out? That way if it results in a a huge row and the police being called, they don't have to witness it and you can explain to the police that he is refusing to let you go out and you haven't been allowed to go out on you own for 10 years. Tell the police you want to leave with the kids but he won't let you.

The police being called isn't a bad thing if it gives you the opportunity to speak out.

I have been out on my own, but only when he is in work. He sometimes has to work away Mon-Fri and so I go out and about then, to the supermarket or clothes shopping. 

If he is home, or about to arrive home, I have to wait for him. I started going to the gym, but I can't take myself there and back... he drops me off and picks me up. Same with uni. He will make an excuse to have to be going to somewhere nearby so he might as well drive me and pick me up. If I suggest driving myself he accuses me of not going to the place I am going, or with the people I am going with. He can't see the issue with this and thinks there is absolutely no reason that he can't take me and pick me up. Or if I want to go to the shop, literally a 5 minute walk away, he will come every single time. Same with walking the dog or going to any supermarket etc... Even if he is in the middle of something he will make me wait for him so he can come.

I just want to be able to walk out the house and say 'I'm going the shop, back in a min' and that's that. Like he does. He will go the shop or to get a haircut or drop things off, pick things up from people, and he just goes. I just wave him off and hope he takes a long time so I get some peace and quiet.

We have recently moved and I'm not prepared to try and get the police called to this house just to get my own way. I want to end this, but as amicably and as peacefully as possible. I'm too old for drama. I am trying to compose the best speech possible to make it happen as calmly as possible. 

I don't want the kids to be dragged into it. He has a habit of involving other people in our nonsense. He used to be a lot worse for it. He would do things like phone my mum, or shout out really loud that I am a B... to make the neighbours think I am doing something. When really, I am just trying to live my life.

But that all said... I am trying not to turn this into a witch hunt. We have been together a long time and have raised 4 kids, a few dogs, had cars holidays etc etc... I'm not making out my life has been horrendous and I have been beaten or had threats of violence or anything like that. But he has threatened to make sure the kids don't live with me... however they are older now and can speak for themselves, which is another reason I feel nearly ready to do this. I would rather have killed myself than had my kids taken away when they were younger. Now, I can allow them to make their own choice. I am hoping we can just be sensible and agree to a 50/50 share custody plan as that seems the most sensible to me. 

Scorpio33

Big Hugs to you. I would hate to be in your position and its very hard.

Maybe the way forward is to start talking to him about the issues in your relationship (and how controlling he is) and then bring up the fact that you don't think this is salvageable.

You can speculate forever about how either of you will react, what will happen with the kids, who will be hurt, what will happen with the house etc, but the only thing that is certain is that if you don't say anything, the current state of affairs will continue.

It is hard to have this conversation, but it would be harder to carry on as you are?