Feels like im going under!

Martico

I'd echo those advising you to ignore what other people have. They might, after all, have built up even greater debt in doing so, and you never know what's behind the mask. 
It looks to my unqualified eyes that you're on the right track and getting yourself to a sustainable footing, that's all that matters. 

satchmo1

It'd be worth having a regular family "meeting" where together you plan a weeks menu and use that to compile a shopping list. The rule being that there will be one menu choice per meal. I also used to use this time to divvi out the Saturday household chores - from about age 8 - making sure to rotate the chores. 

If making stews or bolognese sauces, add a cupful of red lentils which break down and disappear - no-one will know they are there, and it makes the meat go further. Batch cook and freeze meal-size portions. I use empty litre-sized yogurt pots for batches of chicken curry, which means I don't have to label those. Peel and boil a big bag of potatoes, mash them and "open freeze" portions in the lids of casserole dishes that you'd normally use for cottage pie, then bag the portions in empty bread wrappers.

If (and I'm not predicting this) your marriage fell apart, neither you nor your wife would be able to afford to keep the house. Is it possible to look for a smaller/cheaper house and use the equity to become debt free - and use your new-found monetary awareness to stay that way? 

NiteEyez1980

Hi guys 

Unfortunately selling wouldn't be an option, we wouldn't get anywhere near where we live cheaper. Returning would be more than the mortg. We'd literary have to uproot the family and move miles away to a bad area which would mean further mileage for work.

A point made earlier is very true. 

We have a roof over our heads, food, warmth and we are not in the rain or a wan torn country. That's a success and alot more than many have.

Sometimes it's hard to keep perspective isn't it. 

Makingabobor2

NiteEyez1980 said:

Hi guys 

Unfortunately selling wouldn't be an option, we wouldn't get anywhere near where we live cheaper. Returning would be more than the mortg. We'd literary have to uproot the family and move miles away to a bad area which would mean further mileage for work.

A point made earlier is very true. 

We have a roof over our heads, food, warmth and we are not in the rain or a wan torn country. That's a success and alot more than many have.

Sometimes it's hard to keep perspective isn't it. 

Yes indeed it is. Hope you're feeling a bit better about it all today. 

redlaces

satchmo1 said:

It'd be worth having a regular family "meeting" where together you plan a weeks menu and use that to compile a shopping list. The rule being that there will be one menu choice per meal. I also used to use this time to divvi out the Saturday household chores - from about age 8 - making sure to rotate the chores. 

If making stews or bolognese sauces, add a cupful of red lentils which break down and disappear - no-one will know they are there, and it makes the meat go further. Batch cook and freeze meal-size portions. I use empty litre-sized yogurt pots for batches of chicken curry, which means I don't have to label those. Peel and boil a big bag of potatoes, mash them and "open freeze" portions in the lids of casserole dishes that you'd normally use for cottage pie, then bag the portions in empty bread wrappers.

If (and I'm not predicting this) your marriage fell apart, neither you nor your wife would be able to afford to keep the house. Is it possible to look for a smaller/cheaper house and use the equity to become debt free - and use your new-found monetary awareness to stay that way? 

Absolutely seconding the meal planning and batch cooking, this was - and still is - a godsend for me! Food prep afternoon could be a follow on event from the family meeting, with everyone getting involved with weighing, chopping, stirring, washing up etc, then at the end there will be a few days of easy meals that can just be pulled out of the fridge or freezer as required. Veggie curries are super cheap and pretty healthy too.

NiteEyez1980

My freezer is full of bolognaise, stews, curries and lasagne. The Mrs is doing large of. Everything so each cooking we get about 2-3 meals

Once again thank u for the support 👍

Singlespeeder

NiteEyez1980 said:

My freezer is full of bolognaise, stews, curries and lasagne. The Mrs is doing large of. Everything so each cooking we get about 2-3 meals

Once again thank u for the support 👍

Now you need to remember to eat some of them !! 
I agree re adding red lentils to almost any dish, they disappear but thicken and pad meals out brilliantly.
Also soups ..... they are the easiest thing to cook make 2 -3 litres and you'd easily get a couple of days out of them
Potato will thicken any soup, just peel, chop and bung them in, they'll just disappear.

I personally think you're doing REALLY well.
Been in a similar place myself except my LBM was forced by a divorce.
I never looked at statements, or balances. If I wanted cash out, I took cash out regardless of whether I had any to take out ( I didn't)  ... this was often to 'keep the family happy' ... buy the stuff they wanted (but didn't need) or family meals out or holidays.... this left us £48,000 in debt on credit cards, loan consolidations, remortgaging.

You are in no way worse than anyone else, and I suspect, as others have mentioned, the fact you've finally realised the error of your previous ways, you are MUCH BETTER than most. You've stopped the rot.  You've bottomed out. From here on in you should be reducing your debt.

I definitely think getting the family involved and on board is the best way forward. Pretending there isn't a problem helps no one, they'll just wonder why they aren't getting the treats and the holidays. If they know, they'll understand. Get used to doing things together, be it housework, bike rides, walking, cooking, shopping. 

Stay strong, talk to the family, be firm. Sending positive vibes Luke.

kimwp

Makingabobor2 said:

Oh dear....
Firstly, you will not lose your house as long as you are paying your mortgage. Your non priority debts, are not NOT secured by your house, so please stop worrying about that one. 

Secondly, just because colleagues at work have flash cars and personalised number plates, that does not make them happy. nor does their kids wearing designer trainers. In fact, if anything, that just makes the kids grow up thinking they can have anything they want. Material possessions & luxury holidays, to not make for happiness.  We tried it for several years and look where it got us?
 If you have a roof over your head, heating, and food on the table, your family around you & good health, then you are better off than a lot of people in the world.
Nothing wrong with "hand me downs", not only is 2nd hand cheaper, it is also a better way to save the planet.  My DD & SIL, both work full time (in well paid jobs), but their kids wear 2nd hand and DD buys presents for them from selling pages & charity shops etc. Doesn't mean my GKs are not happy, it just means they will grow up understanding the value of things.   And what is a "nice house"???  A house is just bricks and mortar, its the people inside that make it a home.  Big flash houses are just some sort of status symbol and end up costing people so much more to maintain. 

Thirdly, I'm not sure what being sociable or anti social has to do with it. As I've said before, we have been on our DMP journey over 7 years now and it has not stopped us mixing with our extended family or friends, or having a good time. Having a good time is not about going out and spending loads of money on drink or lavish meals. Its about being with the people who you really care about and who care about you.  Wonder how many more of your wife's friends are using credit to pay for their going out?? No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. 

Just keep doing what you're doing, - ignoring the phone calls, working out budgets etc and starting to live a more frugal life. You really will eventually realise that this is the right path. 

Absolutely this ^^

I think you are doing the right thing by sharing your worries, could I also suggest that you try to come up with some techniques for when anxiety hits? For example keeping a notebook or slip of paper nearby with "We will not lose our house because we are paying the mortgage". When the worry starts rising, take out that slip and read it (out loud, sounds silly, but it will work better) until the anxiety goes. Say it to each other on a regular basis to prevent anxiety rising.

If your wife needs to socialise (some people do), then there should be (a bit) of a budget for this, but that socialising might need to involve less spend than it used to. 

NiteEyez1980

Thanks everyone. 

Well, so far I've had txts, and total money registering lates, no letters yet, anxiety around this has started to dissipate a we use our weekly budget instead of Mr credit card (all cut up and binned)

Once again your support and good thoughts have been invaluable 👍

Makingabobor2

Glad things are going ok for you now. It is a good feeling when you know you only buy things with "real" money.