Feels like im going under!

elsien

Start a new thread in here.

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/categories/debt-free-diaries

EssexHebridean

Easiest way to do a diary would be to request that a board guide (sorry - Forum Ambassador!) moves this thread to the diaries section then you can keep everything in the same place right from the start. Alternatively if a fresh start feels the right thing or you, then as above, just start a new thread in diaries. You'll see a few familiar faces over there! 

You said you were feeling a bit "what have I done" - yes - completely natural - this is scary stuff and doing something entirely new and well out of the comfort zone should feel a bit freaky, no?! However, in short - what have you done:
- Recognised that there was a problem
-Recognised that it cannot carry on and you want to fix things
- Asked for advice as to how to do that
- Listened to the answers on how to do it
- Weighed up the options and chosen the best one for you
- Taken control of the situation
- Taken steps towards putting in place a proper household budget that means living within your means
- Begun along the road to putting your family in a far more secure position financially.

That seems like a pretty positive list to me - and really nothing there to be scared of, is there - in fact, that should feel pretty empowering! 

Also - try to let go of the feeling of failure around what's happened. You didn't get to that place on your own, and it has happened because you were trying to do the best thing for your family in the short term. Ultimately be proud of the fact that you're straightening things out now - that's the bit that counts in the end. 

RAS

The situation may seem scary sometimes, not least as you are doing a lot of new things that contradict what you've been used to doing.

But you are much more in control of your situation than previously. Remember, the children will grow up, although they may not get all the shiny new things they would like, and you will free up more disposable income eventually. And your finances will slowly get easier. Plus, once the interest is frozen, inflation will gradually eat into your debt. 

Most creditors will eventually realise that if they take legal action, they'll get the same amount as you are offering. So, it isn't worth the expense or hassle.

enthusiasticsaver

@NiteEyez1980

I have asked the forum team to move your thread over to the diaries section. 

NiteEyez1980

Sitrep:

OK, first signs of problems have arisen and ironically nothing to do with the banks.

The reality is now kicking in for. The missus. 

The wife comes to me and says she's been invited out today and can i draw her out £50 to go out with. I say haven't been paid and not an option. She then says "I'll put it on the cc" to which I explain there isn't any. 

As you can imagine clipping a social butterfly's wings didn't go down well. When asked what she's going to do my response was "not go"

Obviously a disagreement ensued to which me doing this has been heralded as the issue, I've ruined us financially etc etc

When i explained that the very "use the cc for a !!!!!! up" on a whim is one of the causes for our issues (I'm the opposite and don't go out much, it's usually work, work work") and I also asked where she thought the:

Garden, artificial grass, double glazing, cladding, holiday, redoing of. Bedrooms, carpet etc came from, again this was "my fault" (there was no explanation as to why) 

I'm only saying this as a cautionary tale to those thinking of doing this, as this is going to seriously test my marriage. 

Makingabobor2

Not sure what to say, other than you are doing the right thing and if your wife can't see that, then she is the one in the wrong here.  How does she think there is going to be any spare money for just "going out"?  Has she not sat down and looked at the budgets with you?    It is not what you are doing that has ruined you financially, it is all the years of abusing the credit card and you both living beyond your means. She needs to realise that. 
 I hate to ask, but do you think there have been many years  of you trying to please your wife and give her everything she wanted, no matter what the cost?   Maybe that is what started all this.  If she is not committed to sorting this out with you, then her option is to leave you.  But I suspect if that happened, she would have even less.....e.g, no home, not enough cash for essential bills etc.   So she has to make the decision, to stay and help you sort things so you can have a better life....(and remember a "better life", does not mean material possession, posh holidays and going out a lot), or she has to leave and try and forge the life she wants elsewhere without  trying to ruin things for you any more.   Sorry to sound harsh, but I don't really know what else to say.   That's how I see it.  Hopefully she will realise the error of what she has said, and calm down and apologise and you can once again show her the budgets and explain how things have to be.  

You say you told her you hadn't been paid, so it wasn't an option to give her money. But surely even if you had been paid there is no spare £50 for going out??

NiteEyez1980

Hi ya

Not harsh at all, it's the literal truth. 

Yep there is no spare cash for it. She would have just drawn it out and then that would be the argument end of month when we are living on beans on toast and tinned food as she's 'done' some of the budgeted house keeping. 

The reality hasn't sunk in yet for her

I'm obviously not going to go into sympathy seeking detail however I met my wife when I was in a bad place. My mum had just died (father was in his 70s), I'd suffered a serious back injury and I rushed into a marriage and before I knew it I had kids and a wife who wouldn't accept "no". With no family, debt in my name and kids splitting up wasn't an option as I'd have lost what Ilttle I had.

Unfortunately my wife isnt known for her reasonability and what's more has a "your the bread winner, sort it" mentality. I've explained everything but she's taken "we will be better off" as we will have more money etc. In her eyes at the moment there's now no credit so we/her are far in a worst place as she now can't things. 

Example: going out

Also and this is madness she's asked how we are going to pay for the front room refurb to which I've said "we aren't". 

Factor in she has had to return to work as she refused to work when the kids were young and now all she's seeing is she's working, and we have no "fun" money so life's bad... And it's my fault.. Even though I've had 7 promotions in 9 years, did my degree (work funded) whilst doing 16 hour days and have tripled by income 

Sorry but of an emotional outpouring there

None of this I want sympathy for. 

The debts all in my name, and looking at it now if I'd debt colosidated (like I did with the second charge mort) I'd be back in 50k worth of debt within 3 years or less! 

triple_choc_chip

Sending you strength.  
I did my debt busting alone after a split which was tough but I didn’t have arguments at home or the need to justify my decisions; feeling alone within a partnership must be tougher still at a time you really could do with her support and both need to face this together.
You are stronger than you think - believe it or not you have done the hardest part already and I hope your wife will see that too and get on board.
The nation is pulling in the purse strings for a multitude of reasons and this is an ideal cover for your new debt free journey.  You will have friends and colleagues doing the same and you will be ahead of those who haven’t reached that point yet but are sure to eventually.  
Keep on keeping on…

ladyholly

If your wife wants fritter money she needs to either earn more or cut down on other things like clothes, beauty, etc. Very few people can have it all.

NiteEyez1980

Well she went out, and basically ponced off her mum. 

Sadly her level of immaturity on this is staggering and childish. 

I do feel at braking point as she basically said (alcohol induced admittedly) good luck with this marriage working and saying "no" to me. 

I stood my ground and said this is the reality of UK living circa 2023. She's in utter denial. 

It's like I'm living with a 44yr old Veruca Salt! 

Won't have to worry about ccjs or bailiff at this rate I'll be separated in 3 months as first week of new budget looming and she's fallen apart and kicking off.