To resolve acrimonious dispute between sister & myself as executors?

JJWSJS8700

turnitround said:

CarterUSM said:

I cannot believe some of the criticism I am having to endure here.

Just to recap: my brother and I have always understood that the burden of care would fall on my sister, 

Why? 3 siblings but 2 understand that the burden of care would fall on the 3rd. How would that make your sister feel other than taken for granted. Did your sister have plans or dreams she has had to give up or put on hold because her siblings understood it would all be on her?

. I had made it clear on several occasions beforehand that I would be willing to help with organising/arranging anything around the funeral. 

Had you also in the past made it clear that you would help to organise or arrange anything else to do with your parents care apart from the funeral, or is it always a case of 'I'm too far away so it's down to you'. 

Just to make it clear – myself and my wife live and work in Cyprus. We are not having an easy retirement by the sea sunning ourselves on a beach, as some here seem to be implying. 

Likewise your sister is not having an easy life. Is your sister able to take a holiday or time out if needed? 

We cannot come back on a regular basis. 

So take you sister out of the picture. What would happen if your mum needed help and your sister was not on hand. If you were just one of 2 siblings and the other was in Australia would you step up more? Its ok to say 'We cannot come back on a regular basis'  but without your sister stepping up you may have had to. Have you considered how many times your sister may have to say 'Sorry, I can't come/take a holiday/have that night out/go away for the weekend' etc. Her choices are limited.

Do you really think that if we had been in the UK, that I would not have gone down to visit my mum often? Do you really think I am not trying to be proactive when it comes to caring for her?

But you are not in the UK and therefore one person is taking your part in the joint responsibility. You need to try to be proactive in helping your sister not just your mum.

For the record – this ‘poor woman’ as someone described her, was physically aggressive towards both myself and my wife, has turned other members of the family against me to the degree where I truly feared I may be ostracised from them, has sent me some deeply unpleasant emails and texts which has led me to having to block her; and has finally told me that she wants nothing to do with me. 

Perhaps she has been crying out for support and has come to realise that nothing is going to change. Perhaps all the frustration, anger, despair and hopelessness at her situation is causing the aggression. She will be realising that things will only get harder for her as time goes on. What do other members of the family think, have had the conversations with them regarding how your sister is managing.

Her behaviour towards me has caused me a great deal of anguish and upset. And yet I’m the one who has to apologise to her? 

Your behaviour towards each other has probably caused anguish and upset to you both. She is clearly not happy and is struggling to manage. Unless there is some understanding on both parts the resentment will grow and when the inevitable happens the funeral will be a ticking timebomb.

  I just don’t know what she’s capable of in her current frame of mind.

 With the greatest respect, its highly unlikely that you have any idea about her state of mind. You are not close, live far away from each other and have little contact and have only recently seen her at a time of great stress and grief yet you assume she has some kind of 'problem' because she is not behaving in a way you think she should

My relationship with my sister is damaged beyond repair. There is no question of us getting together any time soon to discuss anything. 

So as far as you are concerned she can struggle on?

She has made it clear where she stands, and I certainly do not want to have any contact with anyone who makes me feel so anxious and bad about myself without any justification for doing so

But she feels she has lots of justification for the way she feels.

. Basically I want as little as possible to do with her. Now hopefully you will appreciate my concern about her being nominated as an executor.

So rather than trying to build bridges and find a way to support her more you are going to write off the relationship and leave her to it. If you have such concern about her ability to be an executor then surely you have the same concern about her ability to care for your mother? Have you got plans to relieve her of that responsibility as well or is it ok for her to do the menial stuff while you turn a blind eye?

No doubt some people reading this will think that I’m the kind of man who indulges in coercive control and physically abusive behaviour towards women; anyone who knows me will confirm that could not be further from the truth.

I don't think you 'indulge in coercive control' or anything like that. I think you are in a sad situation .

It’s about wanting to ensure Mum’s wishes are implemented in full, without being unduly influenced by anyone.

Yet again, you are happy to let your mother be influenced by your sister in all other aspects of her life, how she lives, what she gets to eat, how her medical needs are attended to. As time goes on your sister will have to have more influence over your mum. I had to tell my dad he needed to go to bed at 10pm because I needed him safe in bed before I went home (when he really would have sat up till 2am), I needed to control his medication, eating, pay his bills, what he wore. Your sister will influence every aspect of your mum's life, there will not be a choice. You cannot allow her to influence things which benefit you but then state when that influence should be taken away.

To those of you who have offered genuine, practical solutions to resolving this issue, thank you. To those of you who have rushed to condemn me without full knowledge of the facts – I do not appreciate your comments. It’s not pleasant being ganged up on, or being judged guilty before having had the chance to plead your case.

Just to add that you are not being condemned, it's telling that you feel that those defending your siter are condemning you. I think underneath the obvious issues with your sister you are feeling guilt that you are not able to be there for your mum. 
My 'absent' sibling told me that she felt guilty through all that happened when I was caring for my parents. I ended up giving up a job I loved as I was close to breakdown with it all. 

There are many things you will never know about the 'everyday' issues your sister faces. One of the things that infuriated me was when I saw pictures of my sister of Facebook on a river cruise smiling away and I had such resentment that I could not even have a weekend away. I would see photos of my brother and his wife in one restaurant after another and taking trips whilst all the time I was on call 24/7. It really eats you up. 

Just write a letter saying you are trying hard to understand, its easy for a call to get heated but a letter can be read over again. Make an effort, however difficult it is, to take time out to give her a couple of weeks off and take over the caring duties. If she were not around you would have to do these things anyway. It may help repair a broken relationship and make things much easier going forward and for your sister that offer would be an absolute lifeline. I would have given anything for someone to have done that for me.
Best wishes.

But as your siblings will tell you, as mine did, you don’t have to do it.

Pennylane

JJWSJS8700 said:

turnitround said:

CarterUSM said:

I cannot believe some of the criticism I am having to endure here.

Just to recap: my brother and I have always understood that the burden of care would fall on my sister, 

Why? 3 siblings but 2 understand that the burden of care would fall on the 3rd. How would that make your sister feel other than taken for granted. Did your sister have plans or dreams she has had to give up or put on hold because her siblings understood it would all be on her?

. I had made it clear on several occasions beforehand that I would be willing to help with organising/arranging anything around the funeral. 

Had you also in the past made it clear that you would help to organise or arrange anything else to do with your parents care apart from the funeral, or is it always a case of 'I'm too far away so it's down to you'. 

Just to make it clear – myself and my wife live and work in Cyprus. We are not having an easy retirement by the sea sunning ourselves on a beach, as some here seem to be implying. 

Likewise your sister is not having an easy life. Is your sister able to take a holiday or time out if needed? 

We cannot come back on a regular basis. 

So take you sister out of the picture. What would happen if your mum needed help and your sister was not on hand. If you were just one of 2 siblings and the other was in Australia would you step up more? Its ok to say 'We cannot come back on a regular basis'  but without your sister stepping up you may have had to. Have you considered how many times your sister may have to say 'Sorry, I can't come/take a holiday/have that night out/go away for the weekend' etc. Her choices are limited.

Do you really think that if we had been in the UK, that I would not have gone down to visit my mum often? Do you really think I am not trying to be proactive when it comes to caring for her?

But you are not in the UK and therefore one person is taking your part in the joint responsibility. You need to try to be proactive in helping your sister not just your mum.

For the record – this ‘poor woman’ as someone described her, was physically aggressive towards both myself and my wife, has turned other members of the family against me to the degree where I truly feared I may be ostracised from them, has sent me some deeply unpleasant emails and texts which has led me to having to block her; and has finally told me that she wants nothing to do with me. 

Perhaps she has been crying out for support and has come to realise that nothing is going to change. Perhaps all the frustration, anger, despair and hopelessness at her situation is causing the aggression. She will be realising that things will only get harder for her as time goes on. What do other members of the family think, have had the conversations with them regarding how your sister is managing.

Her behaviour towards me has caused me a great deal of anguish and upset. And yet I’m the one who has to apologise to her? 

Your behaviour towards each other has probably caused anguish and upset to you both. She is clearly not happy and is struggling to manage. Unless there is some understanding on both parts the resentment will grow and when the inevitable happens the funeral will be a ticking timebomb.

  I just don’t know what she’s capable of in her current frame of mind.

 With the greatest respect, its highly unlikely that you have any idea about her state of mind. You are not close, live far away from each other and have little contact and have only recently seen her at a time of great stress and grief yet you assume she has some kind of 'problem' because she is not behaving in a way you think she should

My relationship with my sister is damaged beyond repair. There is no question of us getting together any time soon to discuss anything. 

So as far as you are concerned she can struggle on?

She has made it clear where she stands, and I certainly do not want to have any contact with anyone who makes me feel so anxious and bad about myself without any justification for doing so

But she feels she has lots of justification for the way she feels.

. Basically I want as little as possible to do with her. Now hopefully you will appreciate my concern about her being nominated as an executor.

So rather than trying to build bridges and find a way to support her more you are going to write off the relationship and leave her to it. If you have such concern about her ability to be an executor then surely you have the same concern about her ability to care for your mother? Have you got plans to relieve her of that responsibility as well or is it ok for her to do the menial stuff while you turn a blind eye?

No doubt some people reading this will think that I’m the kind of man who indulges in coercive control and physically abusive behaviour towards women; anyone who knows me will confirm that could not be further from the truth.

I don't think you 'indulge in coercive control' or anything like that. I think you are in a sad situation .

It’s about wanting to ensure Mum’s wishes are implemented in full, without being unduly influenced by anyone.

Yet again, you are happy to let your mother be influenced by your sister in all other aspects of her life, how she lives, what she gets to eat, how her medical needs are attended to. As time goes on your sister will have to have more influence over your mum. I had to tell my dad he needed to go to bed at 10pm because I needed him safe in bed before I went home (when he really would have sat up till 2am), I needed to control his medication, eating, pay his bills, what he wore. Your sister will influence every aspect of your mum's life, there will not be a choice. You cannot allow her to influence things which benefit you but then state when that influence should be taken away.

To those of you who have offered genuine, practical solutions to resolving this issue, thank you. To those of you who have rushed to condemn me without full knowledge of the facts – I do not appreciate your comments. It’s not pleasant being ganged up on, or being judged guilty before having had the chance to plead your case.

Just to add that you are not being condemned, it's telling that you feel that those defending your siter are condemning you. I think underneath the obvious issues with your sister you are feeling guilt that you are not able to be there for your mum. 
My 'absent' sibling told me that she felt guilty through all that happened when I was caring for my parents. I ended up giving up a job I loved as I was close to breakdown with it all. 

There are many things you will never know about the 'everyday' issues your sister faces. One of the things that infuriated me was when I saw pictures of my sister of Facebook on a river cruise smiling away and I had such resentment that I could not even have a weekend away. I would see photos of my brother and his wife in one restaurant after another and taking trips whilst all the time I was on call 24/7. It really eats you up. 

Just write a letter saying you are trying hard to understand, its easy for a call to get heated but a letter can be read over again. Make an effort, however difficult it is, to take time out to give her a couple of weeks off and take over the caring duties. If she were not around you would have to do these things anyway. It may help repair a broken relationship and make things much easier going forward and for your sister that offer would be an absolute lifeline. I would have given anything for someone to have done that for me.
Best wishes.

But as your siblings will tell you, as mine did, you don’t have to do it.

So who does if everybody else doesn’t care?  

sevenhills

Pennylane said

So who does if everybody else doesn’t care?  

Which is why I think the traditional way of just splitting the inheritance is wrong.
Can a will be worded to give a good percentage more to those that do the caring?
It would be very difficult, since wills are generally written many years before death.

BooJewels

sevenhills said:

Pennylane said

So who does if everybody else doesn’t care?  

Which is why I think the traditional way of just splitting the inheritance is wrong.
Can a will be worded to give a good percentage more to those that do the caring?
It would be very difficult, since wills are generally written many years before death.

Yes, it can be done.  After my mother died, Dad decided to re-write his will as it had been done a long while previously and he realised my Mum had been the only executor.  When he did so, he just said casually one day that obviously everything was just 50/50 with my sister and I.  I didn't think that was fair, so I rang him back and said so before he went to sign it.  I wasn't sure he took it very well.

I explained that my sister lived locally and I lived 50 miles away and didn't drive - so by definition, my sister did more for them in many ways - I did different stuff. She was the one sat up all night in A&E when Mum had a suspected stroke - the same another time when Dad had a heart issue.  She did shopping and errands and sorted things out for them, she visited Mum in the care home several times a week after work when it was tortuous after a 12 hour shift - did so later with Dad too.  Clearly that needed acknowledging.  So he changed the percentage split in her favour.  He'd been thinking about it but didn't know how to address it.  He didn't appear to take it very well, because he was choked - and delighted that he could openly do so with my blessing.  His only condition was that I should tell her myself when the time came and explain that it was actually my idea.  

The irony is, that the only person who wasn't happy with the arrangement was my sister.  I'm totally at peace with it, as it was just the right thing to do.