To resolve acrimonious dispute between sister & myself as executors?

CarterUSM

Hi

I find myself in a very difficult family situation at the moment. Since my father passed away in July, the mobility of my 86 year old mother appears to be in noticeably deteriorating, and although she is otherwise in relatively good health, my siblings and I are naturally concerned as to how long she actually has to live.

The situation is complicated by our respective locations; my brother is in Australia and I am in Cyprus, whereas my sister lives about ten miles from my mother in the South-West and regularly visits her to check on her wellbeing, take her to medical appointments and shopping, etc.

As my brother is so geographically distant, my mother had previously mentioned to me that she would nominate my sister and myself as executors to our will. She had also previously mentioned that all proceeds from her will were to be divided equally between the three of us. Unfortunately, in the immediate aftermath of my father’s funeral, my sister and I have had a major fallout. 

To cut a long story short, she accused me of doing nothing to help her before and after the funeral (most of the organisation fell down to her, by virtue of her being closest geographically; I did however make it clear at all times that I was willing to assist from a distance if I possibly could); she accused myself and my wife (without justification) of being responsible for an unpleasant atmosphere in front of the rest of the family; and so on and so on. Without appearing to be too disparaging, I should explain that my sister and myself have never been particularly close, and that she has always been quite highly emotionally strung and has little in the way of emotional resilience.  

I can only assume that the combined effects of stress and the grieving process has caused her to have a mental health episode which has caused her to focus all of her negative emotions onto myself; it has got to the stage where she has turned other family members (including our mother, evidently) against me, and has now said that she wants nothing to do with me.

This had led me to believe that my sister may not be a fit and proper person to perform the role of executor, not just by the state of her current mental well-being, but also because she now seemingly has such a jaundiced view of me, that I feel she is likely to act against me when it comes to performing any duties as executor.

My mother has not yet definitely confirmed that she will appoint us as executors, so I may have to have a potentially upsetting conversation with her, to try and dissuade her from nominating my sister; obviously this is something that I really do not want to have to do. 

Should she be insistent upon nominating my sister and myself, this would put me in a very unpleasant situation. Such is the acrimony between my sister and myself at the moment, that it is very hard to envisage any situation where we co-operate closely in any constructive way to execute my mother’s will. (We could conceivably communicate at a safe physical distance from each other; I assume will not have to be in the same place physically to ensure proceedings go ahead without any undue delays). 

I am assuming that it would be possible to apply to disqualify my sister from becoming an executor on the grounds of mental disability, but for obvious reasons it is extremely unlikely that I will be able to provide any irrefutable evidence of her condition.

I have done a little bit of research, and am aware that the breakdown of trust between executors in itself is not enough to justify the removal of one of them. If indeed my sister and myself are named as the only executors, if relations have not improved sufficiently, I understand the mediation route (whereby the parties meet with their own legal representatives in the presence of an impartial mediator) could be a possible option. However, the situation is complicated by the fact that for the foreseeable future, I will still be resident in Cyprus, and by virtue of this will probably not be able to act effectively as an executor myself.

If it ever got to the stage whereby I could not have my sister disqualified as an executor, but at the same time because of my geographical distance I could not perform the necessary executor duties myself, at what stage would the courts intervene to appoint a ‘neutral’ solicitor to execute the will?

In the event of my mother nominating both my sister and myself as executors, would it be feasible for me to approach my mother’s solicitors in advance of her passing, to forewarn them of the state of my relationship with my sister, given that we are executors and would be expected to co-operate accordingly? (It may be feasible that given everything above, she could be persuaded to nominate her solicitors rather than ourselves as executors; this would almost certainly remove any further acrimony between my sister and myself when it came to executing the will, but would of course be more expensive, and she would be even more emotionally hurt by the thought that my sister and myself could not be trusted between us to execute her wishes).

If anyone could give me any advice as to how to deal with this deeply unpleasant situation, and/or confirm any appropriate steps I can take either at this time, or when my mother eventually dies, I would be extremely grateful.

Very many thanks in anticipation of your assistance.

Debbie9009

I’m struggling to understand why your Sister expressing that you didn’t do enough to help her after your fathers death means she has had a mental breakdown.  It sounds like she was arranging the funeral, looking after your mother while grieving herself, this is a lot to do, and it sounds like she was in need of some more support.

I do understand that it would be difficult to help as you live in another country, I have siblings in other countries, and while I appreciate it makes it more difficult for them to help me with our elderly parents, it really does get difficult at times, and I have come very close to snapping at them.

My honest opinion is that you should try and understand this from your sisters point of view, and maybe apologise for not being able to help more.  You may then be able to work together better in the future.

if you really feel you wouldn’t be able to work with her as an executor, then maybe as you are the one abroad you should decline the role.  I don’t see anything in your post that suggests your sister wouldn’t be able to carry out the role, and expecting your mother to remove her could well cause a lot of harm, and permanent damage to your relationship.

I appreciate this probably isn’t what you want to hear, I’m putting this as a view point as I know what it’s like to be the sibling that is expected to sort everything out as I am the one that happens to be in the same country, sometimes a little understand can go a long way.

Flugelhorn

I agree with @Debbie9009 - TBH there is little that can easily be done from abroad and you could easily find that you can't undertake the role of executor if not in the UK and able to access all the documents etc.

TBH if there is such a problem then it would be better if you mother named either someone else to act as executor or consider appointing the solicitor (usually not the best option but if it saves too much stress then it may be the answer) 

Emmia

I'm not really sure that either you, or your brother are ideal as executors as you live outside the country - your mum should appoint your sister and a solicitor or similar (or another relative, a niece or nephew perhaps?) instead.

poppystar

The poor woman is probably very stressed having to do all the arrangements and assist your declining mother. That does not constitute a mental health issue. Presumably she is now dealing with your father’s estate as well. Unless she has failed to do any of this then I don’t see how she would not be able to do the same for your mother. As the only one of you in the uk it would be far better if she was sole executor or that you appoint a solicitor to do the work - but not necessarily be the executor. What do you think you would be able to contribute from such a distance? Have you been an executor before? As many here will testify it can be quite an onerous task and having to agree everything and get signatures etc when needed across the world would be very difficult. Have you any idea of how much your sister is having to do at the moment and will have to do if your mother’s health declines? Ultimately choice of executors is up to your mother and she needs time now to process the death of her husband not deal with the unpleasantness between her children. Give them a break - or move over here for a while to give your sister some reprieve from the tasks. Offering to help from a distance when clearly much work requires physical presence is not really an offer of help at all. I appreciate this is probably not what you wanted to hear and that you are grieving too and may yourself need time to process it all.

lisyloo

Firstly just because your mother has mobility issues does not necessarily mean she will have a short/shorter life.
modern medicine can keep people alive with chronic conditions.
this will be a much more difficult situation if she lives with chronic conditions rather than dies.
there is healthcare, housework, personal care, home improvements, home maintenance and finances. Possibly hospital, nursing homes and house sale etc.

ive been in both your and your sisters position and this is going to be very tough on her.
this will be impacting her life and possibly health greatly and only set to increase.
that doesn’t of course mean her expectations of others are realistic.
it sounds to me as if she is resentful, possibly of what she perceives to be your unhindered lifestyles

Does you mother claim attendance allowance? Should she?
money can help solve some issues.

I think your sister needs some practical help.
are there any relatives or friends who can be mobilised to help?
i get siblings, step-siblings, brothers, sisters and friends involved if I cannot do things myself (your sister might one day have covid or flu).
could any paid help be brought in? (not easy I know).
what about social services? My MIL went to a day center and they picked her up in her wheelchair and took care of everything including food.
your sister probably would qualify for respite care.
problem is that it all needs to be sorted and currently she would have to do it.

could you make a trip back from Cyprus now and again to help sort things out?
possibly meet with social services?

i think your sister is resentful and it would go a long way to express some concern about her.
or if you can’t go that far suggest some practical help.
this is really hard for one person.

i have the help of 3 siblings, 2 partners, 4 in-laws and a couple of friends and it’s still not easy.

does you mother have an LPA?

you don’t have to accept being an executor or an attorney but it may not help relationships if you just refuse.

i think you need to try to agree with your sister to have cordial relations if solely for your mothers sake. You don’t have to be best buddies or like each other. Could you write and explain that?

would you be willing to come back from Cyprus now and again to help.
you are a “cheap flight” away so she may perceive you aren’t doing anything or aren’t bothered (I’m certainly not saying she’s right).

sevenhills

I assume that the OP is male and that it's the male that often controls the situation.
It seems that you are in another country and unable or unwilling to come to the UK to help out.
A solicitor may be a good suggestion if there is a lot of money involved. But you can only suggest.
You need to do all you can to support your sister and mother.

elsien

Let your mother know that in the circumstances you don’t  think it wise to have you and your sister as co-executors and let her decide if she wants to make another will (although to be honest she could probably do without that stress given that her husband has just died) And if so who she wants the executors to be. It is her decision, not yours not your sisters, not anyone else’s.

Otherwise when your mother  does pass away and you and your sister are both executors then if I were you I would just reserve your powers and let her get on with it. She has to follow the will, there’s very little you can do from Cyprus anyway, so trying to have a replaced removed or anything else is an overreaction. Comes down to fighting over your mothers estate before she’s even dead which isn’t okay.

pollypenny

My son lives in America so we changed our executors to my daughter and niece to make things easier. Son is still to inherit- if there's any left. 

OP,  your sister has carried a big burden. It's not terribly far from Cyprus, couldn't you have come over?  

turnitround

I think you need to look at this from your sister's point of view. Having been in her situation (which will only get harder as your mother ages) is very stressful. I was in the same position trying to help my dad after my mum died, take care of my own house and children and work full time.
It's something that you cannot comprehend if you are away from the situation. 
I snapped a few times but would have hit the roof if one of my siblings had suggested I had mental problems.
If you are concerned that you and your sister will not be able to act together as executors, then the fairest thing you can do to help is to bow out and let your sister do it without the added stress of having someone find issue with what she does.

You should be very grateful that your sister has dealt with everything alone.

tooldle

I've been in your sisters situation. I live over 200 mile away from my folks and was outside the UK when my Dad died. I had to rush home, care for and organise residential care for my mother with dementia, start straightening out my dad's estate, organise a funeral, deal with the messages from various acquaintances, clear the house and finally execute Dad's will. Whilst doing this, my male sibling who lived less then 15 miles from our parents, stood on the sidelines, referred every telephone call to me and generally went on and on about how upset he was about everything. Not one single bit of help.
After a few months of doing all of the above, whilst holding down my own full time job, I really felt as though i was going mad. Give your sister credit for the massive task she has undertaken. 
Whilst you are not local, it is fair to say there are plenty of jobs that you can be handled remotely, if motivated to do so.
At the time, i would have given anything for someone else to step up and handle a few of the well meaning phone calls, to sit with mum or occupy her, providing reassurance as to where her husband was to give me a little time to grieve myself, to write the thank you letters to those who kindly donated in Dad's memory, to produce letter templates to accompany the death certificate to the various companies who needed it, to research care home provision, to help with AA application and lastly to care enough to ask how i was managing and if there was anything that would make my life easier.