To resolve acrimonious dispute between sister & myself as executors?

Alphatauri

CarterUSM may I suggest you go back and read your original post which strongly implied a one off situation at your Dad’s funeral and it all spiralled from there. Not once do you mention historical issues or your sister being physically aggressive. We can only give advice based on what you tell us and from our own personal experiences. 

Your initial post painted a very familiar picture, hence the responses you got.

Your update does paint a different picture of a declining relationship with your sister over a period of time rather than a one off situation at a time of highly charged emotions. 

I still feel incredibly sorry for your Mum who is in the middle of all this.

There are two issues here, ensuring your Mum is looked after and what happens after she is no longer here.

With regard to your Mum’s will I would consider if it might be easier to avoid conflict if none of you are executors or if all 3 of you are executors plus a fourth executor. This additional executor should be some one who is trusted by your Mum and all 3 of you e.g. a cousin, god child, family friend. This could resolve any worries your Mum has about difficulties after she is no longer here. 

You may not be aware but even if you use a solicitor or a someone else as executor there is a lot of work family members have to do gathering paperwork etc. Your sister is likely to be best placed to do this, but you could help when you visit your Mum by making sure she has a good filing system and record any gifts she gives - you need this for probate. 

In terms of looking after your Mum there is the business side and the physical side. This is underlined by there being two types of POA, 

• health and welfare
• property and financial affairs.

You and both your siblings can be appointed POA to act jointly and severally.

In terms of property and financial affairs the internet has made a huge difference, a lot can now be done online with all 3 siblings having access as POA.  Typical household bills can have on line accounts which the POAs can administer, insurances can be done on line as well as managing savings and investments. Shared spreadsheets set up so you all have transparency means you will have much of the paperwork ready for probate. You should be able to do this from Cyprus and take some of the weight of your sisters shoulders. 

In terms of health and welfare, your Mum can set out her wishes but in practice your sister will end up doing the bulk of this. As I and others have mentioned visiting for two weeks to give your sister a break shows a real commitment to helping out. I assumed you were working in Cyprus and whilst I appreciate this is your holiday your sister deserves a proper break. Other options you could do from Cyprus is helping to arrange carers, respite care, on line shopping etc.

Another thing you can do, not now as your fathers passing is so recent, is talk to your Mum about her wishes for her funeral and get them documented. My parent planned their own funeral and it was so nice when people said how lovely it was. We also discussed where my parents ashes would be put, recognising that my second parent would want their ashes to be with them. This all takes time but you can do this over the phone and type it up for your Mum so she can put it with her will and it will hopefully avoid conflict over her funeral.

I think if you can be pro active and do things which lessen the burden on your sister rather than saying tell me what to do you may be able to rebuild the relationship so it is at least cordial.

jennystarpepper

You have said your sister has mental health problems, if she is not fit to carry out 'duties as executor' then why is she fit to look after your mum?  If she is aggressive is your mum safe?

Sorry to hear you are not having an easy time in Cyprus, you have said you want to make sure your mum's wishes are carried out, is it something specific you are worried about?

As you said, you will not 'get rich' from your mum's estate, is it worth upsetting yourself if it is not case of the amount of inheritance?

Can you take a couple of days unpaid and come over for a long weekend?  (If you are not self-employed), I know Cypriots are family orientated if you need help can you ask? 

Can you bring your mum to stay with you for a while, give your sister a break, airlines are very good at assistance flights, I know a wheelchair user who's a pensioner they travel to Australia to see family?

Coffeekup

CarterUSM said:

I cannot believe some of the criticism I am having to endure here.

Just to recap: my brother and I have always understood that the burden of care would fall on my sister, that we have both been grateful for everything she has done, and we have told her accordingly on several occasions.

For the record – this ‘poor woman’ as someone described her, was physically aggressive towards both myself and my wife, has turned other members of the family against me to the degree where I truly feared I may be ostracised from them, has sent me some deeply unpleasant emails and texts which has led me to having to block her; and has finally told me that she wants nothing to do with me.

There is no question of us getting together any time soon to discuss anything. She has made it clear where she stands, and I certainly do not want to have any contact with anyone who makes me feel so anxious and bad about myself without any justification for doing so. Basically I want as little as possible to do with her.

To those of you who have offered genuine, practical solutions to resolving this issue, thank you. To those of you who have rushed to condemn me without full knowledge of the facts – I do not appreciate your comments. It’s not pleasant being ganged up on, or being judged guilty before having had the chance to plead your case.

I wasn't going to post as so many others have echoed my thoughts and didn't think it needed anyone else saying similar things. I do not think anyone is ganging up on you here, as always there is two sides to every story, others are trying to make you see her side.

As someone who has spent the last 3 year's in you're sister's situation caring for my father. Watching him decline month by month, week by week during lockdowns and what not, whilst juggling days with my non verbal special needs daughter as a single parent and work, I found and still find it hard to deal with even although he has been gone for 6 months.

I have 3 brothers who all live within 10 miles of his home, I was the one that spent all my spare time with him. I spent my day's walking up to 18 miles a day (as I don't drive) from home to school, to his house, back to school, back to mine for dinner and back to my father's with my 11-13 year old (at the time) to sit with him for a few hours before i repeated the the cycle the following day.

Of my 3 brother's 1 saw him very little, and the other 2 (were in what I think was denial) spent a few hours every 2-3rd weekend with him as the rest of the time they were going away for weekend's and trip's away.
When I knew one of them was going round I went round too so I could have a chat, only for me to get there and them say "well as you're here I may as well go .... No point more than one of us being here". All I wanted was someone else to talk to, especially a face to face conversation (especially with what was going on). That's not to say they didn't do anything, I just got the bulk of it.
I felt so alone and I was sick to the back teeth with some days, so I can understand how your sister feels. She has obviously has lost her patience with the vent up anger she is feeling and erupted and now it's started she will find it hard to stop erupting.

As for me I'm not the same person I was 4 years ago, I have sleepless nights, developed bruxism in my sleep which is excruciating (even with a mouth guard), and I have very little in the way of positive thing's to say anymore, along with looking for faults in people which I have never done before. I don't think I'll ever be the same again, I wonder most days I'm broken or damaged and will ever get back to being the person I once was.

Telling someone over the phone/internet you appreciate the work they have done is nice, but I don't think that's what she needs. Maybe she had no issue dealing with the funeral etc, I'm guessing its more emotional support she needs......a break from it every so often, also for you or you're brother to sit with her along side you're mother and chat, play, eat meals and do activities together as a family for the time that's left, as she will be the one watching the time drift away and it'll be eating away at her. 

I realize you're stuck between a rock and a hard place with work, but if you have any trump cards you can pull out to spend time with your mother and or sister now is the time to start using some of them. No one is saying your not grieving for your father, but to watch it all happen up close is alot different than watch and hear about it from afar.

sevenhills

jennystarpepper said:

You have said your sister has mental health problems, if she is not fit to carry out 'duties as executor' then why is she fit to look after your mum?  If she is aggressive is your mum safe?

I have a relative that has mental health issues who is looking after her 96 year old dad. She is not the right person really, but she does her best.
Her brother tries to keep away, even though he lives close by.
He has got to an old age, but the care they receive does make a difference.

turnitround

Just one thing which may have happened to provoke things at the funeral.

When I was caring for my dad one of my sisters lived about 3/4 of an hours drive away and did very little to help always using the 'By the time I get home from work and drive over' etc, etc.


Now I appreciate that it was a distance for her but what really annoyed me was that when she did make the effort to drive over dad would be so pleased to see her that she would be treated like royalty and dad would tell everyone who would listen that 'Our ********* came all the way over to see me yesterday'. She would make a brew and sit with him for a couple of hours but do nothing else whilst I was the one shopping, cleaning, bathing him, arranging everything, paying his bills, etc,etc but all that was overshadowed by her managing to put in an afternoon's effort.

So I'm wondering if perhaps at the funeral, people who had not seen you for some time as you live abroad were so pleased to see you that they started to make a fuss of you being there and that perhaps that built up a resentment in your sister. 
As in, she had been carrying the can and you were getting the glory. If that makes sense.

jennystarpepper

sevenhills said:

jennystarpepper said:

You have said your sister has mental health problems, if she is not fit to carry out 'duties as executor' then why is she fit to look after your mum?  If she is aggressive is your mum safe?

I have a relative that has mental health issues who is looking after her 96 year old dad. She is not the right person really, but she does her best.
Her brother tries to keep away, even though he lives close by.
He has got to an old age, but the care they receive does make a difference.

I agree, it's just that the OP has put a big emphasis on his sister's mental health, no wonder she is feeling the strain if she is on her own.  

Pennylane

turnitround said:

Just one thing which may have happened to provoke things at the funeral.

When I was caring for my dad one of my sisters lived about 3/4 of an hours drive away and did very little to help always using the 'By the time I get home from work and drive over' etc, etc.


Now I appreciate that it was a distance for her but what really annoyed me was that when she did make the effort to drive over dad would be so pleased to see her that she would be treated like royalty and dad would tell everyone who would listen that 'Our ********* came all the way over to see me yesterday'. She would make a brew and sit with him for a couple of hours but do nothing else whilst I was the one shopping, cleaning, bathing him, arranging everything, paying his bills, etc,etc but all that was overshadowed by her managing to put in an afternoon's effort.

So I'm wondering if perhaps at the funeral, people who had not seen you for some time as you live abroad were so pleased to see you that they started to make a fuss of you being there and that perhaps that built up a resentment in your sister. 
As in, she had been carrying the can and you were getting the glory. If that makes sense.

I have two friends who have been through the same with “helicopter” siblings. Because they visit so infrequently a big fuss is made of them whereas the one who is on call 24/7 and does everything almost becomes a part of the furniture.  It does lead to bad feeling because the one who does everything never has a day off, puts off having surgery herself, neglects her own home etc.  

Pennylane

Reading through your posts again I honestly do not think you and your sister would be able to work together as Executors.  I have been through a very similar scenario which has meant years of paying solicitors, frozen accounts, unbelievable stress and heartache and probate not being granted until years later which left little time for grieving.

If you don’t talk to each other how do you think you are going to access paperwork which you will need and which your sister likely has.  There is a hell of a lot of work involved in being an Executor so I think your sister plus a solicitor might be the best way forward. 

Savvy_Sue

CarterUSM said:

Just to recap: my brother and I have always understood that the burden of care would fall on my sister, that we have both been grateful for everything she has done, and we have told her accordingly on several occasions. I had made it clear on several occasions beforehand that I would be willing to help with organising/arranging anything around the funeral. Just to make it clear – myself and my wife live and work in Cyprus. We are not having an easy retirement by the sea sunning ourselves on a beach, as some here seem to be implying. We cannot come back on a regular basis. Do you really think that if we had been in the UK, that I would not have gone down to visit my mum often? Do you really think I am not trying to be proactive when it comes to caring for her?

So, you always understood your sister would take care of things. Fortunate indeed that she's been on hand to do so. Our point is that you do not seem to have any appreciation of what that burden of care does to someone. 

CarterUSM said:

My relationship with my sister is damaged beyond repair. There is no question of us getting together any time soon to discuss anything. She has made it clear where she stands, and I certainly do not want to have any contact with anyone who makes me feel so anxious and bad about myself without any justification for doing so. Basically I want as little as possible to do with her. Now hopefully you will appreciate my concern about her being nominated as an executor.

No problem. If you are both nominated as executors, you should renounce and leave her to it. You then need have nothing to do with her. After all, you won't be able to do any of the practical work involved in clearing your mother's house (a physically and emotionally exhausting experience) if you can't leave Cyprus, and you won't be able to attend a solicitor's to sign the oath once you're ready to apply for probate if you can't leave Cyprus.

CarterUSM said:

It is not about me wanting to ‘control’ the situation. None of us stand to get rich from the proceeds of my mum’s will when she does eventually die. It’s about wanting to ensure Mum’s wishes are implemented in full, without being unduly influenced by anyone.

and if you can't visit your mother on at least an occasional basis how are you going to have any idea of what your mother's wishes are? 

I'm sorry you think we're ganging up on you. We can only go by what you give us, and what you gave us didn't look pretty. Are you able to at least try to put yourself in your sister's shoes and see how this looks to her? "They offer help, but if they're not HERE it's hard to see what they think they can do. They've always assumed I'll take care of mum, but they have no idea what that actually means. I am so tired, I have no time to live my own life, I can't even think about what might help, and if I don't show my gratitude for their offers of help then I'm over-emotional and mentally unstable if I snap. I am dreading mum making me and C joint executors, he won't be here to help with the practical aspects of the job and yet he'll want to check every little thing I do and check I'm doing it right." 

Would your brother be able to act as a mediator? 

p00hsticks

Savvy_Sue said:

you won't be able to attend a solicitor's to sign the oath once you're ready to apply for probate if you can't leave Cyprus.

It's no longer necessary to physically go along to swear an oath when applying for probate in England and Wales - that was done away with a few years ago and the probate process can be completed by post or online now 

But as others have pointed out, an executor has much to do prior to getting to that point which can't easily be done from abroad - sorting out paperwork, clearing the house, etc which makes it much simpler to have an executor based in the same country as the deceased.