To resolve acrimonious dispute between sister & myself as executors?

tooldle

I feel for the sister. Whilst it will cost all concerned, to me the fairest thing would be to employ a solicitor for probate. After all, has the sister/daughter not done enough all ready? 
I am executor of my mother's will and considering all I have done over the 9 plus years since my father died, whilst the favoured son stands in the background and does nothing, I am giving serious thought to passing things over to a solicitor. With the sniff of some cash coming his way, i think it likely there will be regular request to 'get on with it', 'where is my money' etc, again with no thought of the level of work involved. 
Just because a person has always shouldered the burden, it should not be assumed they will continue to do so.

GaleSF63

I also think it would be best to appoint a solicitor if there is no other suitable relative or friend. Renouncing or reserving powers could again be seen by your sister as leaving everything to her to do, and whenever your mother dies, your sister will be older and have spent even longer looking after everything. 

Flugelhorn

@CarterUSM - gosh this is difficult for families - you have asked questions about what to do and have opened the floodgates and showed how many people (mainly daughters) have to take on so much and feel that they are not supported (even though the siblings etc are sure that they are doing all they can) - only option is a solicitor to do probate and be prepared for more offloading when mum does pass away - it will come.

Pennylane

p00hsticks said:

Savvy_Sue said:

you won't be able to attend a solicitor's to sign the oath once you're ready to apply for probate if you can't leave Cyprus.

It's no longer necessary to physically go along to swear an oath when applying for probate in England and Wales - that was done away with a few years ago and the probate process can be completed by post or online now 

But as others have pointed out, an executor has much to do prior to getting to that point which can't easily be done from abroad - sorting out paperwork, clearing the house, etc which makes it much simpler to have an executor based in the same country as the deceased.   

But both executors still have to sign the probate forms.  

Pennylane

tooldle said:

I feel for the sister. Whilst it will cost all concerned, to me the fairest thing would be to employ a solicitor for probate. After all, has the sister/daughter not done enough all ready? 
I am executor of my mother's will and considering all I have done over the 9 plus years since my father died, whilst the favoured son stands in the background and does nothing, I am giving serious thought to passing things over to a solicitor. With the sniff of some cash coming his way, i think it likely there will be regular request to 'get on with it', 'where is my money' etc, again with no thought of the level of work involved. 
Just because a person has always shouldered the burden, it should not be assumed they will continue to do so.

But a family member would still have to answer questions, provide dates and loads of  paperwork for the solicitor - and that person is probably the sister.  that’s why I think the sister and a solicitor would be preferable.  

By the way, do we even know whether probate would be required?  

Sea_Shell

Families are complicated.   

Most issues just can't be boiled down to a few paragraphs on an internet forum, so no one ever sees the true picture or knows the personalities of those involved.

I've wanted to ask questions before on this board, about "family stuff" which if taken in isolation may seem callous or uncaring, without the "war and peace" back story that goes with it.

It's exhausting having to "explain yourself", or that somehow you should have to "validate" your feelings.

p00hsticks

Pennylane said:

p00hsticks said:

Savvy_Sue said:

you won't be able to attend a solicitor's to sign the oath once you're ready to apply for probate if you can't leave Cyprus.

It's no longer necessary to physically go along to swear an oath when applying for probate in England and Wales - that was done away with a few years ago and the probate process can be completed by post or online now 

But as others have pointed out, an executor has much to do prior to getting to that point which can't easily be done from abroad - sorting out paperwork, clearing the house, etc which makes it much simpler to have an executor based in the same country as the deceased.   

But both executors still have to sign the probate forms.  

If submitting the application online, then one executor completes the form and a link is then sent to the other executors for them to review and agree what's been entered.

And forms can simply be posted to each other to collect signatures - they dontl have to sign at the same time, although it adds an extra level of complexity to the process. 

So as far as the actual probate application process goes, there's no need for the  two executors to physically be in the same place (or even the same country) at the same time.

We've got two executors at opposite ends of the country -  the only time we needed to be together was when opening an executors bank account.

tooldle

Pennylane said:

tooldle said:

I feel for the sister. Whilst it will cost all concerned, to me the fairest thing would be to employ a solicitor for probate. After all, has the sister/daughter not done enough all ready? 
I am executor of my mother's will and considering all I have done over the 9 plus years since my father died, whilst the favoured son stands in the background and does nothing, I am giving serious thought to passing things over to a solicitor. With the sniff of some cash coming his way, i think it likely there will be regular request to 'get on with it', 'where is my money' etc, again with no thought of the level of work involved. 
Just because a person has always shouldered the burden, it should not be assumed they will continue to do so.

But a family member would still have to answer questions, provide dates and loads of  paperwork for the solicitor - and that person is probably the sister.  that’s why I think the sister and a solicitor would be preferable.  

By the way, do we even know whether probate would be required?  

Yes, i remember although there is nothing to say this task must fall to the sister. Inconvenient for the brothers perhaps but that is life.

 

turnitround

CarterUSM said:

I cannot believe some of the criticism I am having to endure here.

Just to recap: my brother and I have always understood that the burden of care would fall on my sister, 

Why? 3 siblings but 2 understand that the burden of care would fall on the 3rd. How would that make your sister feel other than taken for granted. Did your sister have plans or dreams she has had to give up or put on hold because her siblings understood it would all be on her?

. I had made it clear on several occasions beforehand that I would be willing to help with organising/arranging anything around the funeral. 

Had you also in the past made it clear that you would help to organise or arrange anything else to do with your parents care apart from the funeral, or is it always a case of 'I'm too far away so it's down to you'. 

Just to make it clear – myself and my wife live and work in Cyprus. We are not having an easy retirement by the sea sunning ourselves on a beach, as some here seem to be implying. 

Likewise your sister is not having an easy life. Is your sister able to take a holiday or time out if needed? 

We cannot come back on a regular basis. 

So take you sister out of the picture. What would happen if your mum needed help and your sister was not on hand. If you were just one of 2 siblings and the other was in Australia would you step up more? Its ok to say 'We cannot come back on a regular basis'  but without your sister stepping up you may have had to. Have you considered how many times your sister may have to say 'Sorry, I can't come/take a holiday/have that night out/go away for the weekend' etc. Her choices are limited.

Do you really think that if we had been in the UK, that I would not have gone down to visit my mum often? Do you really think I am not trying to be proactive when it comes to caring for her?

But you are not in the UK and therefore one person is taking your part in the joint responsibility. You need to try to be proactive in helping your sister not just your mum.

For the record – this ‘poor woman’ as someone described her, was physically aggressive towards both myself and my wife, has turned other members of the family against me to the degree where I truly feared I may be ostracised from them, has sent me some deeply unpleasant emails and texts which has led me to having to block her; and has finally told me that she wants nothing to do with me. 

Perhaps she has been crying out for support and has come to realise that nothing is going to change. Perhaps all the frustration, anger, despair and hopelessness at her situation is causing the aggression. She will be realising that things will only get harder for her as time goes on. What do other members of the family think, have had the conversations with them regarding how your sister is managing.

Her behaviour towards me has caused me a great deal of anguish and upset. And yet I’m the one who has to apologise to her? 

Your behaviour towards each other has probably caused anguish and upset to you both. She is clearly not happy and is struggling to manage. Unless there is some understanding on both parts the resentment will grow and when the inevitable happens the funeral will be a ticking timebomb.

  I just don’t know what she’s capable of in her current frame of mind.

 With the greatest respect, its highly unlikely that you have any idea about her state of mind. You are not close, live far away from each other and have little contact and have only recently seen her at a time of great stress and grief yet you assume she has some kind of 'problem' because she is not behaving in a way you think she should

My relationship with my sister is damaged beyond repair. There is no question of us getting together any time soon to discuss anything. 

So as far as you are concerned she can struggle on?

She has made it clear where she stands, and I certainly do not want to have any contact with anyone who makes me feel so anxious and bad about myself without any justification for doing so

But she feels she has lots of justification for the way she feels.

. Basically I want as little as possible to do with her. Now hopefully you will appreciate my concern about her being nominated as an executor.

So rather than trying to build bridges and find a way to support her more you are going to write off the relationship and leave her to it. If you have such concern about her ability to be an executor then surely you have the same concern about her ability to care for your mother? Have you got plans to relieve her of that responsibility as well or is it ok for her to do the menial stuff while you turn a blind eye?

No doubt some people reading this will think that I’m the kind of man who indulges in coercive control and physically abusive behaviour towards women; anyone who knows me will confirm that could not be further from the truth.

I don't think you 'indulge in coercive control' or anything like that. I think you are in a sad situation .

It’s about wanting to ensure Mum’s wishes are implemented in full, without being unduly influenced by anyone.

Yet again, you are happy to let your mother be influenced by your sister in all other aspects of her life, how she lives, what she gets to eat, how her medical needs are attended to. As time goes on your sister will have to have more influence over your mum. I had to tell my dad he needed to go to bed at 10pm because I needed him safe in bed before I went home (when he really would have sat up till 2am), I needed to control his medication, eating, pay his bills, what he wore. Your sister will influence every aspect of your mum's life, there will not be a choice. You cannot allow her to influence things which benefit you but then state when that influence should be taken away.

To those of you who have offered genuine, practical solutions to resolving this issue, thank you. To those of you who have rushed to condemn me without full knowledge of the facts – I do not appreciate your comments. It’s not pleasant being ganged up on, or being judged guilty before having had the chance to plead your case.

Just to add that you are not being condemned, it's telling that you feel that those defending your siter are condemning you. I think underneath the obvious issues with your sister you are feeling guilt that you are not able to be there for your mum. 
My 'absent' sibling told me that she felt guilty through all that happened when I was caring for my parents. I ended up giving up a job I loved as I was close to breakdown with it all. 

There are many things you will never know about the 'everyday' issues your sister faces. One of the things that infuriated me was when I saw pictures of my sister of Facebook on a river cruise smiling away and I had such resentment that I could not even have a weekend away. I would see photos of my brother and his wife in one restaurant after another and taking trips whilst all the time I was on call 24/7. It really eats you up. 

Just write a letter saying you are trying hard to understand, its easy for a call to get heated but a letter can be read over again. Make an effort, however difficult it is, to take time out to give her a couple of weeks off and take over the caring duties. If she were not around you would have to do these things anyway. It may help repair a broken relationship and make things much easier going forward and for your sister that offer would be an absolute lifeline. I would have given anything for someone to have done that for me.
Best wishes.

Pennylane

That is a great post @turnitround!   Siblings who are not around for whatever reason have no idea what the main unpaid carer does.  I gave up my job, I didn’t take holidays, I stopped going to things like Swimming, craft group, walking group because I was simply too busy and too exhausted.  You know that things are only going to deteriorate too which is sad and depressing.0nce, just once I asked a sibling to do a hospital run and got “no we are on holiday then.”  No suggestion of what I should do, no offer to arrange a taxi, nothing at all.  Like you say, it does make you mad.