To resolve acrimonious dispute between sister & myself as executors?

Alphatauri

I have read your post several times and all I can say is your poor Mum and sister. This is all about you and wanting to be in control of executing your Mum’s will to ensure you get your share.

You are not going to like what I have to say, but someone has to say it.

Where is the concern for how your Mum will be cared for and helped in her latter years, particularly whilst she is grieving for her husband. You just assume your sister will do it at no inconvenience or cost to you. Instead you are focusing on your inheritance and wanting to be the sole executor whilst raising questions about your sister’s mental health and capacity so you can challenge whether she is a fit person to be executor. 

Your sister is grieving for her father, caring and supporting your Mum in a 1000 practical ways as well as emotionally. Can you really think of nothing you said or did (or didn’t do) during the funeral and wake. Think back was your sister running around to make sure everything went well whilst you and your wife were chatting and catching up with people, did you expect your sister to make the tea/ meals when you were at your Mums or did you say sit down I’ll make the tea/lunch. Did you start to talk about your Dad or Mums will? Did you try to tell your sister what she should be doing rather than letting her take the lead?

I have watched several wives run themselves into the ground caring for their husbands. Your sister has been helping your Mum look after your dad and now is looking after your Mum. Unless you actually do the caring for a period of time you don’t realise how relentless and energy sapping it is both mentally and physically. 

You asked if anyone could give me any advice as to how to deal with this deeply unpleasant situation, and/or confirm any appropriate steps I can take either at this time, or when my mother eventually dies, I would be extremely grateful.

My advice is to stop worrying about your inheritance and being executor. 

Reflect on what happened when you visited for the funeral and look at it from your sisters perspective I.e. worn out from caring for your parents, run ragged organising the funeral and emotionally supporting your Mum whilst grieving for her Dad.  Think about how you can rebuild the relationship with your sister and what you can do to help care for your Mum in her latter years e.g. flying over and staying for 2-4 weeks to care for her whilst your sister goes on holiday/has a rest. You are all grieving the loss of your father and a heartfelt apology and changing your approach can go a long way to repairing the damage. 

Focusing on your Mum’s will and who is executor is not helpful at this stage, Whilst there are always examples of siblings acting fraudulently there is nothing to suggest that your sister falls into this category and would not properly execute your Mum’s will. 

Pennylane

Your Mum could go on for many years yet! Just because she has poor mobility means nothing. I don’t think you mention how she is mentally but a lot of older people are as sharp as tacks. Your mum needs to deal with this in case she deteriorates. 

 How often do you visit your Mum?  Your sister who does all the caring etc knows your Mum best and I am sure would be the best person to be her POA and Executor.

I have been in the same position as your sister - doing everything for 14 years, from daily care to hospital appointments, admin, paying bills, shopping, making appointments,cooking, cleaning, taking the parent on  holidays and being at the end of a phone 24/7 and it is unbelievably hard work.  It wouldn’t hurt you to write to your sister and offer to support her and apologise that you had a falling out with her.  

Some would call you a helicopter son and As a “helicopter” son (a name given to siblings who just drop in and clear off again for months or even years) you have no idea of what hard work your sister will be going through.  

Savvy_Sue

Just adding my agreement: the OP needs to stop making this about himself and consider what his sister is going through. If he finds he and his sister are named as executors then he either needs to get his backside over here to help PRACTICALLY with  everything which will need to be done, or renounce his role - better IMO than power reserved where he can continue to poke his nose in and make demands from a distance.

msb1234

I feel sorry for your sister. She has lost her father and is shouldering the burden of caring for her mother with little or no support from her siblings. To add to that, you seem to think that her grief and anger towards you and your brother’s practical help is a sign of her being ‘highly emotionally strung’ and having a ‘mental health episode’. Those are pretty awful accusations.
What a truly supportive brother would do is to apologise to his sister for not being there to help her (its far too easy to offer help from another country). 
If I were in your shoes, Id arrange to visit yor sister and mother to try to resolve the situation. Id suggest your sister is best placed to be a sole executor or to ask your mum to appoint a solicitor instead. And I’d apologise to both pf them!

CarterUSM

I cannot believe some of the criticism I am having to endure here.

Just to recap: my brother and I have always understood that the burden of care would fall on my sister, that we have both been grateful for everything she has done, and we have told her accordingly on several occasions. I had made it clear on several occasions beforehand that I would be willing to help with organising/arranging anything around the funeral. Just to make it clear – myself and my wife live and work in Cyprus. We are not having an easy retirement by the sea sunning ourselves on a beach, as some here seem to be implying. We cannot come back on a regular basis. Do you really think that if we had been in the UK, that I would not have gone down to visit my mum often? Do you really think I am not trying to be proactive when it comes to caring for her?

For the record – this ‘poor woman’ as someone described her, was physically aggressive towards both myself and my wife, has turned other members of the family against me to the degree where I truly feared I may be ostracised from them, has sent me some deeply unpleasant emails and texts which has led me to having to block her; and has finally told me that she wants nothing to do with me. Her behaviour towards me has caused me a great deal of anguish and upset. And yet I’m the one who has to apologise to her? Don’t you think I’m grieving for my father as well? Oh, and by the way, the last time I offered to help her with any aspects of Mum’s care, she threw it back in my face. I just don’t know what she’s capable of in her current frame of mind.

My relationship with my sister is damaged beyond repair. There is no question of us getting together any time soon to discuss anything. She has made it clear where she stands, and I certainly do not want to have any contact with anyone who makes me feel so anxious and bad about myself without any justification for doing so. Basically I want as little as possible to do with her. Now hopefully you will appreciate my concern about her being nominated as an executor.

No doubt some people reading this will think that I’m the kind of man who indulges in coercive control and physically abusive behaviour towards women; anyone who knows me will confirm that could not be further from the truth.

It is not about me wanting to ‘control’ the situation. None of us stand to get rich from the proceeds of my mum’s will when she does eventually die. It’s about wanting to ensure Mum’s wishes are implemented in full, without being unduly influenced by anyone.

To those of you who have offered genuine, practical solutions to resolving this issue, thank you. To those of you who have rushed to condemn me without full knowledge of the facts – I do not appreciate your comments. It’s not pleasant being ganged up on, or being judged guilty before having had the chance to plead your case.

Cressida100

You don't help your case by suggesting your sister has a mental disability. Unless you have cared for elderly relatives you have no idea of the stress involved. It's relentless. Saying you would help and actually doing something to help are two different things. My sympathies lie totally with your sister. 

tooldle

CarterUSM said:

I cannot believe some of the criticism I am having to endure here.

Just to recap: my brother and I have always understood that the burden of care would fall on my sister, that we have both been grateful for everything she has done, and we have told her accordingly on several occasions. I had made it clear on several occasions beforehand that I would be willing to help with organising/arranging anything around the funeral. Just to make it clear – myself and my wife live and work in Cyprus. We are not having an easy retirement by the sea sunning ourselves on a beach, as some here seem to be implying. We cannot come back on a regular basis. Do you really think that if we had been in the UK, that I would not have gone down to visit my mum often? Do you really think I am not trying to be proactive when it comes to caring for her?

For the record – this ‘poor woman’ as someone described her, was physically aggressive towards both myself and my wife, has turned other members of the family against me to the degree where I truly feared I may be ostracised from them, has sent me some deeply unpleasant emails and texts which has led me to having to block her; and has finally told me that she wants nothing to do with me. Her behaviour towards me has caused me a great deal of anguish and upset. And yet I’m the one who has to apologise to her? Don’t you think I’m grieving for my father as well? Oh, and by the way, the last time I offered to help her with any aspects of Mum’s care, she threw it back in my face. I just don’t know what she’s capable of in her current frame of mind.

My relationship with my sister is damaged beyond repair. There is no question of us getting together any time soon to discuss anything. She has made it clear where she stands, and I certainly do not want to have any contact with anyone who makes me feel so anxious and bad about myself without any justification for doing so. Basically I want as little as possible to do with her. Now hopefully you will appreciate my concern about her being nominated as an executor.

No doubt some people reading this will think that I’m the kind of man who indulges in coercive control and physically abusive behaviour towards women; anyone who knows me will confirm that could not be further from the truth.

It is not about me wanting to ‘control’ the situation. None of us stand to get rich from the proceeds of my mum’s will when she does eventually die. It’s about wanting to ensure Mum’s wishes are implemented in full, without being unduly influenced by anyone.

To those of you who have offered genuine, practical solutions to resolving this issue, thank you. To those of you who have rushed to condemn me without full knowledge of the facts – I do not appreciate your comments. It’s not pleasant being ganged up on, or being judged guilty before having had the chance to plead your case.

I don’t think you’ve been ganged up on.
I shared my own personal experience of what it is like to juggle all the necessary aspects of dealing with both a death, and the remaining parent, whilst continuing to care for my own family and working a full time job. It seems many other women have experienced the same. 

You say you cannot come back on a regular basis. If this is true, what do you expect to happen should your sister decide she’s done enough, and walks away? 

From what you say, it seems you’ve not shared the load. Being grateful is something but personally I’d find that as infuriating as the words my sibling used to me, which were “I couldn’t have done what you’ve done”. Well gee thanks. I’m at breaking point at that’s all he had to offer.

uknick

CarterUSM, I have some sympathy for you in this matter, but calling your sister mentally unstable doesn't help your case.

Your sister may have lashed out at you due to the stress and belief she's been left on her own to deal with the whole matter.  But, I can't condone her behaviour in having a go at you.  That is, if what you've told us, is the full story.

If there's not a history of acrimony between the two of you, why not call/write to her and try to smooth the situation.  You do have to wonder what has caused this change in attitude to you.  If her comments were in the heat of the moment, she may well regret them but may not know how to approach you to apologize.  How does she feel about your brother in Australia?  Has he come in for similar comments?

With regard to the executorship, I'd suggest you go along with your mother's wishes to name you and your sister as joint executors.  For all you know, when the time comes, you may well be living next door to your mother and you sister is living at the other end of the country.

poppystar

You seem to be very concerned about your mother’s Will and it’s execution but if your sister is as bad as you paint out surely your concern should be about the care of your mother now. Are you happy to leave sole care to someone who you believe is aggressive and mentally unstable? Forget what happens after your mother passes and concentrate on care for her now. I think, rightly or wrongly, it has come across that you feel your sister is fine to do menial, day to day tasks, many of which may not be pleasant and will certainly take time away from her own life but not to do admin of the Will. 

msb1234

Out of interest, how much money do you think will be in your mother’s estate when she dies?