Moving on with things

SusieT

I found you again   You have done so well and sound as if you have made a huge change for the better, so lovely to see that. 
You may not be going to family this Christmas, but why not think of some things to do together that may be fun, and ask your son what he would like? Star to make new traditions for yourselves, as a start perhaps do something simple like going with your son and buying 1 new bauble each year for the tree that he chooses?
Now I need to read this from the start!

stymied

Why not suggest popping round to your in laws for an hour on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day? I think you will eventually find them on your side again once the trust has been rebuilt. Not so fussed about your siblings in law.

warby68

@alt80

I've just caught up with your diary from the end of October onwards and what a read it was alt. His and hers milkfloats are just one bit of it. There is something very different and very real about your thought processes from before and I hope this means you are in a much stronger and better built recovery this time. Mrs A has also done herself proud.

i've read along and nodded with all your plans and goals both business and personal and am so pleased you are where you are. I actually welled up when reading about Mrs A's surprise birthday gift for you and what you and she did for son's birthday.

To me, you're very close to 'having it all' and time should work its magic on the problem areas such as family.

The economic uncertainty makes me glad and grateful we have seen off a few of our commitments and for the first time in my adult life really, I am very circumspect about the amount of news consumed. It was not having a good effect. I really wish there was an old fashioned news option with say Moira Stuart behind a desk just giving the facts in a 10 minute slot. All news these days comes with an angle and a heavily ramped up catastrophe element (at least until the next story - eg what happened to Monkey Pox?)

Anyway, the very best of luck to all 3 of the Alt family.

alt80

@SusieT thank you. I've still got a way to go but I've chosen to let go of the things that have been destructive. 

We should do something like that, have started a little family tradition with our advent calendars tbf. We always have a real tree each year so I think we could make room for a few baubles. My wife is a bit fussy about them all matching etc so might take a bit of persuading though or come up with something else.

@stymied We do still have a relationship with her parents although it's not particularly easy rn. Tbf I've hurt everyone couldn't be honest with myself about what a day clean was never mind with anyone else. They have said they will come on Boxing Day so I'm going to cook, keep myself busy and give my wife time with them. Wife's siblings I think you're probably right about tbh, one is sound, the other two aren't.

@warby68 I hope you and yours are all well?

ha you just can't get over the milkfloats can you lol? Joke aside thank you I am in a stronger place with my recovery. I know it should never be about anyone else but when my wife agreed to therapy when I was in rehab something just changed for me, felt there was something to live for in recovery if we worked on things I could be enough for her one day and when I came home I did what I should have done first time around. I convinced myself so long as I didn't use in a social context or drink I was 'in recovery', days I counted clean in my head meant days I'd not used in a social environment. I used more days than I didn't, I thought I couldn't go without it and still function. Tbh I desperately wanted to turn the clock back, done what I should have first time around and not turned back, it was just destroying my life, hated myself for it but couldn't stop. It was !!!!!! horrendous but I have no excuses for what I put my family through. My wife knew, couldn't really not but I convinced myself she didn't know and believed that I'd been diagnosed with a load of medical problems which were causing my issues. Tried to have a 'normal' family life keep up appearances where I could I wanted a better life for them and for me there were some nice times tbf but not sustainable being as I was.

I am so proud of what my wife has achieved in therapy she knows our son being spoilt and hitting out isn't going to help him. He is a kind boy always looks out for kids at school. He's horribly affected by world issues though. We want him rather than getting upset or angry to ask if there is anything we can do to help. It's not really a surprise he's a sensitive kid tbf both my wife and I were the kids in primary school that got sent out of the charity talks for being too upset. He’s no different ha. Neither of us learned to handle it in the right way though and we don't want him to fall into the patterns either my wife or I did. We're planning to give a Christmas gift each through Unicef this year won't be anything extravagant but hopefully will be positive for our son to feel he can make a difference as well as anyone we help in a small way. Idk just trying to be a bit better, give a bit more.

I hope time works it magic, I want to have a good relationship with family more than I ever have done. I have been left with depression and anhedonia manage it through living healthier, therapy as well as the mindfulness and meditation. It can right itself over about 12-18 months, that's how long the brain takes to fully recover so I am still hopeful. 

Regarding you seeing off some of your commitments over recent times, I can imagine exactly how you feel. It must be liberating to not be concerned about the economic landscape potentially affecting your ability to meet / comfortably afford the commitments? I am throwing everything I can at dealing with mine and it's made me realise I want the day to come that I have no personal commitments and no personal liability for business commitments. A long way off but working towards that security is important for me. Like you I have been struggling with the news and 100% agree re wishing there was an option for that slot with just the facts. These days there's so much news it's overwhelming. I subscribe to the news app and as you say everything comes with an angle and is ramped up to a stress inducing level. Monkey Pox ha remember seeing that and thinking fml not another disease but not heard anything about it in a while, that's how the news goes, get people concerned and talking about it then just quietly let it go. Should remember that when I'm reading it ha.

RelievedSheff

The Unicef gift is a fantastic idea.

foxgloves

@alt80 - Your last update sounded so realistic & grounded to read. No big changes are easy, especially to those longstanding destructive habits which it's natural to be in denial about for a long time before deciding to implement new behaviour. Your partner taking part in therapy too sounds like the missing part of the jigsaw in you all being able to pull together positively as a team. If I had a fiver for every time I've sat in a training course hearing how team members need to pull in the same direction to achieve the desired results......bit of a business cliche but very true in all areas of life.
Re the news. Yes, I completely get that. I'm a news junkie & whereas back in pre-internet days, I'd have bought a newspaper a few days a week, read it & recycled it, now it's wall-to-wall news as you say. And we're living through bloody strange & unsettling times, plus I've always been interested in politics & current affairs.....& am a long term insomniac....none of this is a good mix. Less than 2 hours sleep last night overthinking about a dozen different scenarios. Had planned a night out in NG tonight, but we've cancelled. Too knackered!
Keep thinking I need to check the News just a couple of times a day or just stick to the C4 headlines at 7pm. 
F

alt80

@RelievedSheff thank you. Life can be cruel to all of us but tbh it's absolutely !!!!!! heartbreaking what some people in this world endure. Here I've seen levels of poverty that I've tried for years to block from my mind. 

@foxgloves thank you. Absolutely re longstanding destructive habits / behaviours. 

Ha 100% re teams pulling in the same direction and you're right about that should be the case in all areas of life. I took my family for granted for far too long, didn't see the added value or have any respect for them. Funny that my first considerations when employing someone and throughout probation are do they add value to my team and do I respect them. If they don't add value I won't work with them and by that I don't necessarily mean purely in a fee earning capacity and if I have no respect for them I can't work with them. Didn't apply that to the most important team. Staff come and go, some gladly so and some sadly so but family should be there no matter what.

I agree with you re living through strange and unsettling times. Also with you on taking an interest in politics / current affairs and whilst my sleep has got better it's still not great. I have set my news app on a screen time limit but I don't always stick to it. 

enthusiasticsaver

Great that you and your wife are now working as a team and it seems like your attitude both to yourself and to your family has completely changed for the better.  Earning the trust of your wifes family may take longer but I am glad your wife and son have decided to support you and having a quiet Christmas may be just the thing for you. 

You are right most of the news at the moment  is depressing.  I have stopped watching it mostly.  Strikes, wars, recession and rising living costs seems to be all that is talked about at the moment.  The politicians all seem useless at the moment so I don't give any head space to them.

Doing a charity present or donation is a great way to get your son to realise how lucky he is. 

alt80

@enthusiasticsaver My attitude has changed and the days I struggle with that I do everything I can to sort my head out. My wife has saved my life and my sanity. I didn't value her or respect her before and she's always done so much for me and been there for me. She's no saint, no one is but she's always looked after my home, garden, cars and helped where she could when needed with my business. When I didn't drive for a time, she took me anywhere I wanted or needed to go. I tried to block out how much I cared about them because it just hurt. I'm not proud of how I was at all, there aren’t any excuses and no matter how many years I have left I will never be able to repay her for sticking with me. I don’t think myself worthy of them now but I’m putting the effort in with the therapy so I know this thinking isn’t helpful to me or those around me. After all she’s given to me it's why I want to give them financial security, that's something I can achieve for them. 

End of this week I'm on track to clear another £3.5k off my cards. Another account closed this month too. Next month we are going to do the same and I'm going to carry on until I'm not and ultimately my family is not beholden to the banks any longer. Unsecured debt I couldn’t really care less about tbh I can see why people who don’t need to secure finance on an ongoing basis tell the banks to !!!!!! and sit it out 6 years. I don’t have that option so reducing my personal commitments is the first step to getting into a position whereby my personal assets are no longer at risk. I came close to losing everything with my last big project, the banks don’t care if you acknowledge you !!!!!! up or not, they put the personal guarantees on for a reason. !!!!!! up, can’t pay, they take your home. I have completed a few successful smaller projects since, all carry an element of risk but the project that almost finished me I hadn’t carried out proper due diligence, it was an absolute world of pain and all my own fault. I let It !!!!!! with my head from the minute I realised I should have never gone anywhere close to it.

I haven't seen much good news recently. I think I probably need a week off it altogether. Sunak imo is Labour in a blue tie.

My boy is growing fast, he's just turned 9. Time has flown and we can't keep treating him like he's still in nursery

Sun_Addict

It’s inspirational to read how you’ve turned your life around and I’m pleased to hear your wife is doing so well too. 

I try not to dwell on the news. If I can’t do anything about it there’s no point. I don’t get involved in politics either they’re all the same once they get in power, promise the earth then only interested in feathering their own nests at the end of the day. One thing I have learned is to take one day at a time and I try and live in the moment, easier said than done sometimes. 

Don’t look back, what’s done is done, you’re moving forward in leaps and bounds, that’s all that matters.