Moving on with things

poppy811

Hope you carry on with the therapy as you still seem to view success in monetary terms.  You don’t owe your family anything and your wife is trying hard to reassure you.  Keep going, you can do this

Iamouttheotherside

@alt80
Regarding the retirement, it was when we reached our mid 40s that we started appreciating the things in life that are simple.. country walks, beach walks, fish and chips on the beach, we then set a target of 10 years to retire, realistically its ended up 12 years target, as you get older you don't want the mundane and stress of work, you want to have time with family/friends cherish memories.  So now we work to live, no longer live to work.  

Also agreeing with the other posters - stop trying to buy your wife!  She must feel like she's banging her head against a brick wall with you, she wants the debt gone as much as you do and you buying things to show her you appreciate her will be pi55ing her off.  
If you want to do something, make something with your son, the gifts I have kept from my children for mothers day have all been made.  The flowers died a week or so later, chocolates gone, but the little things they made are with me forever, I have one on my office that I can see now from my desk, its just a piece of plywood, with nails banged into it in a heart shape and then he's got red wool and intertwined it between the nails - made it when he was 8 and I absolutely love it, took him ages and I will never forget the look of pride and love when he gave it to me.. unforgettable.

Talk with your wife about doing something special when the debt has gone and I mean have a proper blow out together, what you are paying a month on your credit cards now, save it for 2 months then have a proper luxury weekend.  We did that the feeling was amazing that not one bit of it was debt.  You like a plan - so plan that

In the meantime keep up with the therapy and remember to switch off that laptop in the evenings and definitely at the weekend.

Have a good week

Yankee24

Let's be clear.... your wife doesn't earn.  YOU bought yourself the cartier watch, not her.   it is easy to be generous under those circumstances.  Stick to the plan.   It is a slippery slope

alt80

Had a busy week with the business so far. Can't quite believe it's Friday tomorrow. No plans for the weekend, going to do something similar to last weekend although we are going out for lunch on Sunday. Weather is horrible here rn but I think we've got away lightly compared to some parts of the country. 

We are staying on track financially. Wife's birthday was really getting to me, Tuesday night I spent the evening talking to her about it and apparently she just wants me off work to spend the day with her, go somewhere nice for lunch. I'm going to trust she's not going to be unhappy / disappointed when I don't present her with something nice. It doesn't sit right with me at all tbh but I need to get through this coming year and want to see us going into 2024 free of the card balances.

@poppy811 Idk if I'll ever get to a point of finding self worth in any other way or not. I know it's unhealthy and not the way it should be. I understand this and am continuing with therapy. 

@Iamouttheotherside I see where you're coming from and have seen it with various staff when they are between 45-55 usually, wanting to move away from work being the be all and end all. I've seen it with others in business too, older associates and mentors. I struggle with the idea of someday that being me, not focusing on the next level.

I've experienced being given a gift my son has made (with the help of my FIL), it's something I very much treasure for similar reasons. He really enjoys doing practical things. Thanks, I'll have a think if there's anything I can come up with for him. 

My wife would like us to do something like that once we have paid off the card balances. It would be nice to be able to treat her.

Thank you. Hope you've had a good week too.

@Yankee24 I can see where you're coming from. My parents didn't and don't have a traditional marriage so it wasn't something I grew up with and wasn't something I went looking for, I unfortunately had a lot of negative thoughts about my wife based around this. It's difficult to address; in recent months I have been very glad we do have a traditional marriage and she doesn't work - she's had the time to be there for me, whilst it shouldn't have taken that, I am pleased things are the way they are. My wife does a lot for me and whilst I didn't see it this way until recently, what I earn is ours, not mine - we are a team.

You are right that I don't want to be on the slippery slope of spending money I shouldn't be and should stick to the plan.

RelievedSheff

This sounds like a whole new Alt

Well done.

enthusiasticsaver

Trust your wife when she says she doesn’t want anything special. A nice lunch out and a bunch of flowers maybe. It will be great to see those credit cards gone in 2024. Then you can make a proper plan going forward as to your long term aspirations whether that is a new house, a nice holiday, money in the bank to help pay for your sons ongoing education or early retirement if you change your mind about wanting to work for another 20 years or so.

alt80

Start of the weekend, left the office at a reasonable time but ate far too much food this evening, usual office bakery in the day and get back home to find wife and son have also been baking have enjoyed it but will be a bit more mindful over the next few days at least. Looking forward to our weekend, anticipating a few (planned for) spends. Next Sunday is Mother's Day so we're staying in - most places are unbearably busy for their Mother's Day Sunday lunch sittings so I'm going to attempt to cook for my little family and parents-in-law. 

@RelievedSheff ha thanks. Being in recovery has made me review a lot of my lifestyle choices / habits / behaviours etc. with the help of the pros. Not going to say I'm cured or become some sort of saint because I haven't but I have chosen to challenge a lot that was destructive and detrimental to the wellbeing of my family.

@enthusiasticsaver I am going to trust her, book lunch somewhere nice and she would appreciate some flowers. It will be good to see the cards gone, though the thought of being free of card balances without it being funded by other debt and the card accounts being closed is surreal. Idk probably sounds odd but will take some getting used to ha. 

Longer term personal aspirations currently amount to me wanting to provide security for my family which I'm sure has amused you. Very long term I am conscious I won't be able to carry on forever working in my business as I do so to get it to a point that it is staff managed is important to me, my eye is on that ball even though I am conflicted about it so in a roundabout way I suppose I am retirement planning along with reducing the debt element of my property assets being another step in the 'right' direction. Also set up a SSAS pension which I should have done a long time ago, better later than never eh? 

enthusiasticsaver

You don’t sound the same person who posted here a few years ago and I mean that in a good way. Providing security for your family is a brilliant aspiration and far from amusing me it has reminded me why I read these diaries. I would not have thought yours would be inspiring and many times you went down a rabbit hole but the change in attitude that comes out through your words is wonderful to read. The future looks bright for you now.

strawb_shortcake

Hi Alt, nice to see you back really working towards being in a great place and having made such huge leaps forward. You and your family should be very proud of yourself. 

The whole recovery/cured thing I feel I can kind of relate to that. Since we last spoke I've lost close to 5st, still have a little way to go. But as I reach my target, I realise that inside I'm always going to be a fat person, maintaining a much lower weight is something I'll always have to work on, but as the time goes on and new habits become routine then staying slim, fit and healthy will get easier and in time become the new status quo.

Iamouttheotherside

@alt80 Good call on the Sunday lunch, we never dine out on Mothers day, its the busiest and most profitable day in hospitality, even more than Christmas, we always stay home if anything we go out on the Saturday lunchtime much more enjoyable!

On the positive side I see your in laws will be joining you on Sunday, that is a turn up for the books, so try and go all out and make it a memorable occasion (and that doesn't mean spending loads of money).  

Here's a few ideas you and your son can do together:-

Decorate your table with daffodils, there are plenty of supermarkets selling them for pennies, have a restaurant name above your dining room door, (could be even the name of your parents restaurant), or even just "restaurante alt and son", have little name cards for each place setting, even stick some daffodil petals on them, dress your son up as the waiter (put him in a little white shirt and bow tie) and you be the chef, you can put a white shirt on and then write head chef using one of your wife's eyeliner pencils, show your son how to serve drinks - pouring and then a little twist of the bottle to stop. How to serve the food - meat always at 6pm on the plate when placed down, serve from the left, clear from the right, all drinks poured and cleared from the right.  
Give him a little white tea towel to drape over his arm, make it fun... 

Remember mothers day is about how your wife has been as a mother, so focus on that, yes we know she's been an amazing wife but the day isn't about that, its about her being a mum.  

Get your son to do a little speech, nothing too taxing, just a "these are the 5 best memories I have with you as my mum" and before you you think "god I don't remember these", my kids tell me memories that I have done with them that I can't remember, likewise I have memories of them they can't remember.

Then to finish the meal off with a cheeky twist, get your son to present a bill saying food and drink free, service charge £2 each! Or something, just keep it light hearted and fun.

And if your father in law wants to have a conversation with you about "the past" say to him, today is about mums lets keep it that way, but I am happy to meet you during the week at my lunchtime, don't let any negativity drag you down.

Good luck and remember its Mothers day, focus on the "mum"

Have a good weekend