Moving on with things

Tahlullah.H

Staying the course is always hard, when fighting your own demons.  You have done really well to get to this point, but your slow slipping of self care is clear that you are losing ground.

I hope you are able to find it in you to refocus and get back to where you were when you began this new diary.

poppy811

Is it possible to ask for extra support? I agree with the above post.  Don’t let things slip, you have worked so hard.

Iamouttheotherside

@alt80
Phone signal was intermittent, don't know about you, but I like to be in charge of my phone signal, turn it off when needed, but available when you want it!

Re my friend, I will be honest now, its quite outing so I am trying to be mindful what I say.  The friend is/was my husbands life long best friend and I mean from being 2 years old, living across the road from each other, they did everything together.  Unfortunately my husband also got embroiled in addiction but not having the funds his friend did, meant he lost everything a lot sooner and was also in a very dark place.  My husband made the decision to cut himself off from his friend, move 250 miles away and sort himself out, that was nearly 25 years ago, he's been clean since.  Unfortunately his friend had the funds and carried on until literally everything had gone up his nose, the rest you know.   The two saw each other at a funeral a few months back, his friend has deteriorated even worse he can't go out on his own now as he loses his memory so needs to be escorted, he also shuffles when he walks (he is in his early 50s), heartbreaking to see.  The two hugged each other and everyone teared up as they all knew how close they were, the love between them never left, but the two together are damaging and not good for each other.
My husband now openly talks about his addiction to our children and our friends and also what he had to do and how hard it was to get out and stay clean, he doesn't struggle now and we have the best life.

Re your wife - if she was going to leave you, she would have kicked your a55 to the kerb a long time ago, took half of everything you have and be living the dream funded by you in both child and matrimonial support.  For whatever reason, she didn't, she obviously loves you very much, she sees a future with you.  Remember that. 

Good luck with your March goals.. Always have a goal and a plan!

joeyjimbles

Regarding your wife's birthday, you have said that some of the best things have been when you go to the coast or do something a bit different with your son. So could you perhaps plan a family day for her birthday, maybe go somewhere new and do an activity, make a picnic and a cake with your son then take lots of photos and make a photobook or a collage of them so you can remember the day. 

RelievedSheff

I agree with Joey. Plan a family day our for your wifes birthday. 

Don't be too hard on yourself. We all have good days and bad days along the way.

enthusiasticsaver

I think planning a nice day for your wifes birthday is the best gift you can give her.  Can you access some funds to buy her a bunch of flowers or whatever to thank her for her support? 

alt80

Not had a terrible couple of days. Started writing a response on here last night but I was too tired. Worked 8-6 both days apart from an hour speaking to the pros on Monday, same today apart from the appointment. Made sure I’ve spent the evenings with my family. Just because it’s the end of the month and things hadn’t gone to plan doesn’t mean I should just say !!!!!! it until 1st March rolls around. It was good to go through those goals and review. I've always done that in business and it has helped me to improve processes within my company so I hope it will be good for me personally too.

 

@Tahlullah.H thank you and you are right things can be difficult tbh I am struggling but I have my family and must do what I need to do to keep on the right track.

 

@poppy811 thank you, I was letting things slip not to the point of being likely in danger of going entirely back to my old lifestyle but I know one thing leads to the next. I still speak regularly to the pros and I also have support from someone who is the best part of a decade clean. I speak to him on a regular basis – 100% don’t want to let my family down again.

 

@Iamouttheotherside ha! I 100% relate to wanting the control over the phone signal. There are times I don’t want it on at all and do switch it off but places without signal sometimes makes me extremely anxious.

Well done to your husband - 25 years is amazing. Thanks for sharing that he no longer struggles, it helps in a little way.

It is heartbreaking, just wrecks lives and families, horrible, evil stuff. I had to cut ties from someone I’d both a decades long friendship and as a client or I knew I’d not last five minutes. It was something I did last year, probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. He’s often in my thoughts, I pray for him most days but I don’t regret cutting ties now.

Unfortunately, I can’t move 250 miles away – I wish I had been able to sometimes. Practically everyone is aware and it’s shameful, sometimes quite humiliating very few are supportive now.

You’re right about my wife, I hope I will never forget again that my wife and son love me. They deserve better than me I know. I am fortunate to have been able to fund treatment and therapy – my goal is to put it to good use and keep working on being better for them. Get some value for money I suppose ha. From what you say your husband was clean by the time he became a father, it’s good your children haven’t experienced what my son has – I’ve let him down so many times. Hate myself for it but the more I focus on that the more I just slip away from what I need to do and what is better for my family.

 

@joeyjimbles / @RelievedSheff / @enthusiasticsaver we have had some brilliant family days that haven’t cost much at all. Doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty all the time. She deserves so much more every year but especially so this year.

 

@RelievedSheff I’m trying not to be too hard on myself - I know when I am I get into a really bad way and leaves me at risk.

alt80

Really wondering what the point is today being yet another 1st of the month, just notice the years are just passing by quickly, time running out. Keeping it positive will be at the point of ditching the card balances for good before I know it. 

Elisheba

Hi Alt80,
I've just started folllowing your diary.  When you say your wife deserves more - you need to reframe that - she has has a husband who is currently clean and wants to spend family time together.  That's what people want from life and each other.  That's what she deserves.  As long as you are doing that then you are doing okay. 
And with time running out - whats it running out for?  You are clean, you have your wife and your son, you are working on on the debts.  None of your problems are quick fixes, but time isn't going anywhere, and you have a really good life despite the problem of the past.  It's really hard when we are used to instant gratification, but when you are thinking 'time is running out' that's your mind tricking you.  You are doing just fine as long as you hold onto your recovery, and if you do that then the rest will eventually fall into place.

Iamouttheotherside

@alt80
Sorry to say you are wrong, I am in fact wife number 2 and my children with my husband are not his first children.  I don't want to go into too much, but as I said it didn't take him long to lose everything (his wife was having an affair anyway), and before long he was in a dinghy flat, he then lost his job. He hit rock bottom and moved away.  
He still sees his first born now and their relationship is great, but for years it was distant, but the little boy (as he was then) never stopped loving his dad, but also he had a great stepdad who raised him as his own to which my husband will be forever grateful.

Not going to lie, its hard and you will have up and down days, for a good few years my husbands paranoia drove me insane, pretty much like you -  thinking I was going to leave/have an affair/someone else fancied me, but we made it through and I wouldn't change a thing about our life now, it was all worth it.  

We have made plans for our retirement (earlier than the government allows us!) and we can't wait to grow old together.

Keep going and remember to appreciate the ups you have to have the down days.