Starting afresh in paradise

Deedoodee

Hi! I’ve just caught up on bits of your story. mine is a bit similar so wanted to comment. I left an abusive relationship after a really traumatic incident and was left to couch surf for a bit. Managed to buy my own house but since living here have found LOADS of problems which means month to month I’m left with less than I expected. I get so bogged down in how much I dislike the house. Your positivity is great. What you said about your property giving you the security is so true and one I usually forget. 

I only fixed for two years (gutted) and also trying to balance house maintenance/ mortgage overpayments/ fun. It’s a tricky one. I’ve set up pots for each and any money that’s left at the end of the month is divided up between them. 

Merlin's_Beard

I'm glad you're all settled and are claiming everything you're entitled to, even if it's going to take a while, and I hope your MH plays ball now there's less upheaval.

As far as mortgages and finances go - I'll just point out that February 2027 is a long way away and second guessing what you might or might not be able to afford at that point is a bit of a stab in the dark, let alone what you might be asked to pay. From what I can see you're spending on things that need sorting out as a reasonably high priority (plumbing, heating yourself). I think struggling to balance short term/long term goals is a universal thing though - no real advice here, just another person trying to  do that juggle. 

ManekiNeko

@Deedoodee - thanks for stopping by my diary, it's always nice to hear from people who've been through similar experiences as it reminds me I'm not alone, although I wish we weren't meeting under such circumstances ofc. I'm glad you managed to get out. Couch surfing sounds difficult, can imagine it's probably more unsettling than a refuge in terms of life stability and being able to plan and set goals.

Well done to you on buying your own home, it's a big step forward in terms of feeling safe and having your own security of a home that no one can take away. I hope that in the long run it works out to be a financial positive for you, even if the repairs are more than you'd expected right now. To be fair, most people I know who buy end up needing to do some works to their homes, so you certainly aren't alone there; in fact, I had a plumber out today having tried various things to fix the loo and finally realised it's not working right because it was installed wrong in the first place (the pan connector and soil pipe were running uphill away from the toilet, rather than downhill). I'm lucky this time around because the council decided late last week they were going to give me £200 towards moving costs (which I'd applied for through a DHP), which will cover the plumber at least, plus a bit extra towards my food bill probably.

To be fair to you it's easy to feel down when it feels like everything is going wrong and you can't afford to fix it and end up camping in your own house as a result, or it not feeling homely or necessarily very safe. I like to tell myself it's better to have a practical problem compared to a 'people problem', as at least DIY is predictable and won't try to manipulate you unlike a bad person. The other good thing is that generally speaking, every problem solved is a step forwards, and even if they aren't big steps they are concrete and they add up over time. I don't always remember to do this, but one thing I try to do is just occasionally sit down and really think about all I've achieved in the last year or five. I bet you'd be surprised what you've gotten done when you really think about it - it takes a lot of planning and strength to leave an abusive relationship safely and stay gone, never mind the emotional aspects and actually dealing with the trauma of what's happened. It's a long road and it's only when you look back you realise how far you've come.

Remember there's grants out there, even sometimes for house costs. I've found these pages useful on this front - Surviving Economic Abuse (you don't have to have experienced economic abuse to apply for most, maybe all, of the grants listed on that page), Disability Grants (not sure if you have a disability but remember this can include mental health as well as physical), and of course Turn 2 Us grant search. I've also had some luck with applying to the Council for a DHP (Discretionary Housing Payment); although I haven't applied for anything directly house-related yet I plan to, as I need to improve my home security and I wondered if they might help even a little bit towards it. Are you claiming everything you're entitled to with benefits/looking at upping your income? I'm not well enough to work yet, but I'm thinking of renting out my car parking space just for a little extra - I plan to split it between my debt to my DS and OPing.

Yeah that's rough with the short fix, have you found a new one now? It's a really hard balance as you say, I did my sums last December (2021) and therefore they were very out of date by the time I completed six months later. Things are even tighter now with food continuing to rise, especially as I'm not fully settled in so I'm often buying more expensive pre-prepared foods. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to the benefits uprating this year being in line with inflation, as at least my budget should balance properly after that. Also, I like to tell myself that my financial situation will be at its roughest just after I buy, but that with each passing year it'll get easier to make ends meet and find some spare - maybe that could be one way to look at your repair costs? You could also regard them as a type of OP because they're improving the value of your property, which might help to feel more positive about the costs, or you could consider reducing your OPs a bit while you're dealing with such high expenses.

Re fun - having gone through economic abuse with my first ex, and then (as a result) gone through the DFW academy that is the forums (under a different username a long long time ago), I remember thinking I could live on a super tight budget that didn't allow much at all for fun and relaxation, and you know what? I ended up splurging and overspending because I got so sick of it all and was miserable. So I changed up my budget and allowed much more for fun, but then I felt I could get what I wanted (ironically making me less interested in buying, as I also said anything left over at the end of the month I could OP onto debt). I know things might be too tight to do this right now, but maybe with a grant to take the edge off it could be possible. Either way, I'd suggest making the effort to plan low-cost or free fun with friends, etc. Even something simple like an afternoon stroll along a river, or taking a picnic to the park and reading a library book / nattering with someone for a few hours, can make me feel a ton better, and because of that it makes me feel 'richer' as well as happier, because I'm getting lots of fun each month so I feel less need to spend in the first place.

Anyway I've rambled on long enough, my usual trick hope some of that might be useful for you. Feel free to drop me a PM if you ever want, and I'd be interested to hear how you get on with your house and everything.

ManekiNeko

@Merlin's_Beard - thanks, I appreciate it. My MH didn't play ball at all, hence me falling off the radar again for a few weeks, but I've gradually felt a bit more level since the new year.

I've just been offered a support worker for up to two years to help me with any goals I can relate back to my housing situation, which is awesome and a big relief. It would cover things like help to apply for a grant, or for benefits (I think from memory my PIP will be reviewed this year) or to communicate with my utility supplier, or help finding a tradesperson, for instance. I still have a meeting yet to come with my local CMHT as well, who might offer me an OT, at least in the short-term, but we see. I'm waiting for them to get back to me about a date for the meeting at the mo.

Yeah to be fair, I'm a nightmare for planning super far ahead, I think you're right there ... even my crystal ball isn't that good lol. I'm feeling a lot more cheerful about things financially though, having suggested to my DS that as I'm getting a 10.1 per cent benefits increase, I should increase my payments to her by 10.1 per cent of that increase, which she's agreed to. Just paying her that extra c. £13 a month is going to knock my repayment date back from 8.3 years to a bit less than 7.4 years, so if I can keep repeating this every time I get an increase (and/or return to work, etc), it could be pretty realistic to pay her back within the 7 years as I hope to - maybe even a bit less. This is great as I worry about it placing a strain on our relationship, so the faster I can get the debt gone, the better.

I'm planning to put 90 per cent of the increase into a general 'housekeeping' budget line, so that'll be maybe £117 ish a month. I fully expect to use this to top up expenses like food and heating, but I'm hoping there will still be a little over towards other costs - plumbers, energy efficiency things I want to do, or suddenly needing to save more money into a specific pot for a few months. I think it's the way forward for me as I clearly can't afford everything I'd ideally like to use the money for, and it allows more flex for months when my MH is worse and I end up eating more ready meals compared to cooking from scratch. Hopefully that should mean I spend less time thinking about money (in a good way) and can get back to just saving up a little each month in a relaxed kind of way.

I hear you on the goals and the struggle to balance things; you're right, I think everyone is in that boat just now, what with the cost of living at the moment, and it's reassuring to hear I'm not alone, thanks. It's easy to forget that when I'm worried about things.

ManekiNeko

Just run the calcs and I'll now repay my DS by December 2029, instead of November 2030, so just an extra £13.43 a month is going to save me 11 months. Mind officially blown lol. Like I know small sums add up, but even so I'm pleasantly suprised and feeling much happier and more relaxed about the whole thing.

Obviously I want to have the money repaid by February 2029 when my fix runs out (so I can use the difference towards any increased mortgage repayment amount), so I still need to pull that date forward by at least 10 months, or more accurately 9 point a-little-bit months, as my last payment is currently set to be the final £12.17. Putting that in money terms, I need to find a way to send her an extra £1,134.30 by Feb '29.

I've said to her that, as long as I can afford it, I'll continue to increase my payments to her each time my income increases. So for instance, if the inflation uprating on benefits next year is 2 per cent, I'll increase my payments to her by 2 per cent of whatever I get as an increase. I haven't told her that I'm hoping to give her 50 per cent of any extra income I get (renting out car park, returning to work, etc), because I'm still a little bit concerned about things, particularly if inflation doesn't get reined in quick smart. I'd rather it be a nice surprise than a disappointment if I can't, or can only manage a smaller proportion of it, you know?

I'm hoping that'll get the job done without it being too painful - originally, I'd envisaged having to really scrimp to hit the seven-year mark, but now it feels achievable without much strain. And I'm really glad that I've decided to OP her as well as the mortgage - it feels morally right to me, especially as she's on maternity leave just now.

(As a side note, and this is in brackets because it's far too early to be thinking about this properly, but one day I'm envisaging wanting a bigger place, ideally with a garden or at least access to one if it was an apartment. I'd like to be able to start upping my rainy day/general savings pots out of the planned April increase, so that I'd have a survey/legal fees pot, but my budget isn't balancing rn, so instead I think the extra will mean I just even out each month for once - a relief. But maybe I'll be in the position to next year eh, or when I'm well enough to work, I can add a bit towards savings and OPs out of that.)

ManekiNeko

Little things I did today to save money - charged my phone in the car this morning, resisted the temptation to buy a drink or snack on a train journey. Instead I'm sticking to the water bottle and cereal bar I brought with me.

I haven't heard back from the plumber but I've got a stressful few days coming up, so I'm just going to leave it for now and ring Friday or Monday if I've not heard by then. I've received the DHP payment from the council so the money is ready and waiting now.

Got my first appointment with my support worker next week too, so I'm hoping that'll start to take a load of pressure off me. Obvi it'll take a little while to do the initial paperwork and get to know you stuff, but even so. I'm also pretty relieved that they can support me for up to two years, provided I've got a housing related goal. I'd really hope that by then my MH will let me start to get back to being fully independent.

The plumber doing a temp fix has meant I can turn my heating right down when I'm not there - on Friday it had a slow leak so I left it on all weekend to try and dry out the towels / potentially floorboards. So that's a good saving while I'm waiting for him to come out, and now I'm away until early next week I'll save quite a bit from that as it only needs to be warm enough to protect the pipework, not to keep me warm.

Hope you're all having a good week. ☺️

ManekiNeko

So far it's been a very MSE trip, haven't spent a penny so far (except the train to get here) as my family are very generous hosts. I've said I'd love to have them visit once my apartment is suitable for guests, so hopefully it'll balance out in the long run.

We've done lots of free things so far, like going to a social run the other night - oh man, my legs are still suffering for that two days later 😝. I haven't run in forever but managed to do 4.3k in 43 mins, with a few short walk breaks, so I was really pleased with that, but disappointed that I had some knee pain and weirdly my legs felt a lot worse after a lovely walk with my sister's local mum's group the next morning. I think I need to sort out my IT bands which are over tight to sort the knee pain, but the muscle soreness idk what I can do except use my arms to lower myself onto the toilet and try to avoid stairs 🤦‍♀️😝. We've also done a lot of making coffee and chatting. And I've been enjoying spending time with my dear niece too. I've sung so much Wheels on the Bus that it's now stuck in my head lol.

Today we're off to town to meet my mum, so I'm expecting another walk, and then a bit of shopping and maybe go for a coffee. I don't really need anything except ibuprofen so that should be an inexpensive day.

In other money news, I've had confirmation that I'm getting a microwave and £300 towards a carpet from a grant. The one in my bedroom is really thin, so that's great news. I've no idea how much they cost 🤔 but once I'm unpacked and I've got the water sorted I can take a look into it. I think I might get a rug too, for extra cosiness, or I might even try to make one myself. In the meantime, that's sat in my savings account waiting, so I'll earn a little extra interest towards OPing ☺️

Happy Friday everyone 🌻

ManekiNeko

My trip so far has been nice, just tiring and stressful on me, which isn't super as my OCD and paranoia can really act up and take ahold. For example, earlier I worried that my SILs headphones were recording me and it made it hard to ring my partner to say good night.

I can also get memory problems to quite a severe stage if I get too distressed / dissociated. Like for a bigger example, in the hospital I once disappeared with a nurse for 10 mins and when I came back to my partner in the waiting room, I couldn't remember if I'd just been given a blood test or not. Or today for instance I have little recall of many conversations I've had, feel somewhat uncertain of what I said to which person, and was having the thing where you pick up your phone to make a note and then stare blankly at the screen soo often and it was driving me crazy. I asked my doctor the other day if there's been any news about that specialised MH assessment funding request (the thing I'm being assessed for, dissociative disorders, affect memory) but she says not yet. I really just want to get it asap, I have so many unanswered questions just now

I think maybe in future I'll need to set a bedtime for myself to retire to my room by, as I get quite worn down when I visit. Tbh I don't think that'll be enough, but it might help. Doing yoga with my sister helped, so I could see about trying to build that in maybe. We see. I deff need to learn to take better care of my physical needs, it's hard for me to speak up and say what I need.

On a money front I must say that Friday afternoon wasn't cheap. I ended up buying some sparkly earrings, a hairbrush, comb and hair bands. As well as food, water & ibuprofen to calm down the migraine aura that kicked in (another big sign of stress in me). However, it's all useful stuff and I've wanted earrings like that for ages, and they weren't too much, so I felt ok ish with it. Felt a bit swizzed as they passed us a £5 off voucher on the way into the store, but then at the tills told me it's only for people getting their ears pierced in store that day. Anyway, what can ya do.

Today however have managed a total NSD, plus a big walk and lots of delicious food round my mum's house. Also did lots of auntie singing (my newest duty) for my dear niece. My legs are still mildly stiff from running but have been a ton better since my hot shower last night.

MH wise my plan is to head to my partner's on Monday and try to have a relaxing few days and hopefully that'll help me bring my MH back from the edge it feels like it's being pushed to.

Hm oki, it's late and idk if I'm making sense, so, night all 🌌

ManekiNeko

Well it's been stressful and tiring in parts, but a positive visit and I did have a nice time. I think I'll be better next time if I can just get a bit more shut eye and some alone time to recharge (I'm an introvert so need this).

I'm on the train home now and I can't wait to get back tbh, I'm tired out, not helped by catching my niece's cold. I've relented on the train and bought a cup of tea and a slice of fruit cake so the opposite of money saving.. I think when I get my kitchen unpacked I'll try to take my travel mug with me in future at least. Tbh today I don't care about the expense, I don't feel well so I'm just trying to prop myself up long enough to make the journey. I'm very relieved that my partner is kindly picking me up so I won't have to carry my heavy bags any longer (I travelled light but we exchanged gifts so I have a lot of extra things to carry now, with more left with family to collect another time). Most of it is food and it's a lovely thought and so generous, just much easier with a car, you know?

If I have the energy later I need to ring the plumber and try to re-arrange the microwave delivery, but after that I can collapse in a heap. I'm thinking of playing a game or maybe watching a movie or something like that.

Hope your Monday is smooth sailing ⛵

Merlin's_Beard

Family  are  lovely, but it can be difficult to set boundaries for your needs even if you manage it elsewhere, because we slip back into old roles very easily. Definitely something i struggle with.

I hope your cold passes over quickly.