Starting afresh in paradise

ManekiNeko

So Tuesday was a busy day, I worked really hard to get the place in a functional state ready for the plumber. He's been out yesterday morning early and has fitted my new toilet. On the plus side, it works, and ermagawd I have a toilet again. 🎉 On the down side, he agreed with me and my partner's view that it was probably leaking for a long time behind the boxing without anyone noticing, as in, leaking for years. He says the floorboards are a bit squishy under and around the toilet. He's advised using a heater in the room with the window open and door closed for a few hours, and seeing if they feel firm once dried out. I haven't done that yet as I'd need to buy a heater, but I've left the heating on for now and popped a dehumidifier (the absorbing kind, not a machine) by the loo. So basically, it's par for the course for my place, fixing one problem uncovers a new problem 😉

Yesterday I was exhausted, having rather over-done it on Tuesday, so I mostly collapsed and played on my game. I did however go to my doctor's appnt, and found someone's purse on the ground on the way. I didn't want to be late so I took it with me, and checked when I got home to see if there was some ID. There fortunately was, a driving licence, so I popped round as it turned out they only lived up the road from me. They weren't in so I went back later on and posted it through the letterbox with a note and my contact details in case they have any questions or whatever. So, good deed done for the day. ☺️ (It's a chance for me to pay it forward from when some people helped me get my lost luggage back.)

I also found 50p in my local supermarket on Tuesday, which I've today OP'd off my mortgage. Would have done it before if I wasn't so tired from sorting out my place, but there you go. It's still free money, and it'll still add up over time. 💸

My place is starting to feel less overwhelming, I'm not done by any means but I'd say I'm at the beginning of the end now. Maybe a box or two to go to charity, and then it's on to mostly DIY projects to enable me to unpack what's left (e.g. replacing taps, building a couple of cupboards so I have storage, etc). The only real clutter I have is paperwork (backlog, old sentimental stuff, old college and uni work, probably some stuff of my ex's still, and goodness knows what else), and once I can live there full-time and have good access to my desk, I'm sure I'll be chipping away at it little by little. My mate is coming round again tomorrow to give me some moral support, I'm just going to work on it for the afternoon really.

Last but not least - I've been pushing the idea of my service charge being covered by UC to the back of my mind, as I was planning to trial a return to work. However, now I'm on the fence for several reasons, and I'm starting to think, hmm, that £65 a month would go a long way right about now. The question is what to do with it. This might be better informed in a couple of weeks, as my partner and I have a CAB appnt to help us understand the financial aspects to our family planning. But it's certainly food for thought.

Ooh, and I'm trying a new habits app which gives you points for doing real life tasks - basically it gamifies your life. I'm just using it to change some habits; so far, I'm quite enjoying it. Speaking of, it must be time for me to tick something else off the list. 🪄

ManekiNeko

Popped to Tesco and found 2p on the ground outside, now paid it off my mortgage. As they say, every little helps 😉

Mind you if anyone reviews my mortgage statement and sees all these tiny OPs, sometimes multiple ones on the same day, they'll probably think I'm mad 😝 but I'll settle for mad with a smaller mortgage.

Finding it quite overwhelming trying to start all these new habits, I'm especially focused on nutrition, fitness and improving my personal hygiene. It's all pretty important stuff when planning a family, but I do find it pretty hard with my mental health. I've done literally nothing today except a food shop and my new habits - that's not really sustainable, is it, but I'll have to. I'm really looking forward in a way to the (probably really harsh) assessment appnt in early March, to see if I can get an OT for a bit to try and help me with things.

ManekiNeko

Finally bought the budget software I wanted for my laptop, saved myself 50p on it as I'd forgotten I had a random 50p credit to my Microsoft account a long time ago (and I bought it via the Microsoft store). So I've OP'd that just now.🎉 I know it's not much, but equally it has to add up in the end - after all, every penny repaid is a penny I'll never have to pay interest on again.😇

I've updated my repayment schedule with my DS to show that I won't start repaying her the higher amount until May 2023, which she's said is alright by her. That's because although benefits will be uprated on 6 April (I think it is), evidently, that won't affect me until the following month. Actually, I budget a month ahead (e.g. my May money goes to pay June bills, so I think June is when I should usually see the benefit myself), but I didn't want to move the date of the planned change that much,especially having originally told her I'd start in April, although I will bear it in mind for next year when telling her how much (if any) I can increase by and from when (e.g. note to self, I must remember to tell her that any changes will start in June).

Frustratingly, pushing the date back to May has delayed my projected repayment date for her by a month, although admittedly the final month will only be about £25.60, so in reality I might well take that out of my fun money for the month, just to get it done. Admittedly the date's currently falling in December (2029) which can be a more expensive month, but there again I'm intending to continue pulling the date forward so who knows what it'll end up as. I really want it gone by February 2029, as that's when my mortgage fix ends, and therefore also the time from when I could theoretically look at moving to a bigger place.

Was reading this morning that the average homeowner pays 21.7 per cent of their income onto their mortgage each month. My current income is £1,316.79, so 21.7 per cent would be £285.74. My income from c. April/May time should be £1,449.80, when 21.7 per cent will be £314.61. But my mortgage now is £219.48, so that's 16.67 per cent now, and will be 16.06 per cent come Apr/May time (as my income rises, but I also start a £13.43 a month regular overpayment). I don't have the budget to just up this, but, it's bugging at me and making me feel like this is a useful benchmark to aim towards (as a minimum bar, not a maximum, ofc).

I suppose in reality I am paying higher than the average though, as the money I'm sending my DS is also effectively towards my equity. If I include that, I'm paying a bit above the average -  24.26 per cent now, falling a little to 23.89 per cent (despite increasing payments to both my sister and introducing a small regular OP) from Apr/May.

If I did want to up the percentage to try to achieve the national average, I could look at just rolling my service charge onto the mortgage rather than allocating any of it elsewhere in my budget (IF I don't return to work on a trial basis), and of course, at some point down the line I'm hoping to bring in some parking space rental income, which I plan to put entirely towards OPs as well (or sending to my sister - perhaps a 50:50 split or something). This might actually be a safer option, as UC will stop paying the service vharge instantly as and when I'm well enough to try out work again, and even if it doesn't work out for me to go back and I only earnt 1p by doing so, I'll still need to pay it for nine months before they'd pick it up again. So for instance, it's no use relaxing the food budget and then finding I'm short because I've gotten used to the new amount.

If I did roll the entire service charge onto the mortgage, I'd be paying 28.37 per cent from Apr/May including payments to my DS, or 20.55 per cent (£297.92 each month) ignoring the money I'm sending her. If I wanted to pay exactly 21.7 per cent towards my mortgage, I'd need to find an additonal £16.69 a month to make my payments up to £314.61 a month. That's actually not nearly as bad as I'd thought. 🤔 My food and housekeeping buget will become £265 a month, so I might just drop that mentally to £250 (well, £248.31?) and see how I go. Really I'm hoping to spend a lot less than that on food (maybe £150, 180 ish) as the housekeeping part of that money is meant to leave something over for me if I need to e.g. buy glasses or order a new passport or other general expenses of life. Maybe I should actually just create a housekeeping line item for £50 a month, and call the food £200.

I'm not ready to formally allocate any money as it stands, because I'm still waiting on my CAB appointment on the 27th to hopefully understand how having a family will impact both of our finances, but it's interesting to run the numbers.

To be honest, emotionally speaking, it feels a bit pointless OPing at the moment, because I simply can't see how I'm going to afford a larger home without returning to work. I'm not opposed to that in the slightest, I miss work actually, but I just can't see it as a realistic option when I'm so unwell and my mental health fluctuates so much. And frankly, as things stand, even if I went back I couldn't imagine going back full-time; part-time feels like it would be more achievable, maybe even for the long term, as I need more time than I used to. (Or, more accurately, I was always too unwell for a full-time job, but I forced myself to as I was afraid of living on the streets or being forced back to live with people who had abused me. Ironically, I didn't have enough support in my life to apply for benefits, as I was too unwell to apply on my own - too unwell to claim the benefits that could have supported me to focus on my health.)

Don't get me wrong, I'm still OPing, after all I didn't know until one surprising day that I could get a mortgage. And I'd spent years before that working on my credit, in the hope of getting a mortgage one day, but I had no idea until the last moment that that was actually a realistic thing. So I can't know now what the impact of my OPs will be - maybe, in six years, I'll suddenly find a larger home I can afford to buy (maybe a fixer-upper), or I'll have OP'd enough I can staircase upwards on the ladder, or my health will get loads better and I'll head back to work. I do know that if I don't OP, I'll just 'lose' the little odds and ends of extra money that life throws my way in general expenditure, or maybe fixing up my apartment, vs. putting it towards a big future goal. And the idea of paying interest to the bank bugs me a lot. So, I have plenty of reasons to OP. It just is bothering me at the same time that I've no realistic way to move up the housing ladder for our future family's needs. I really want my kid(s) to have a garden and their own bedroom, so they can have fun decorating it. And kids need outside, safe space to play in. I'm lucky in that I've bought near to local parks, but even so.

Mortgages are a long game though, and even if I can never afford to move I'd still be reducing the lifetime cost of my mortgage, putting money back in my pocket (and therefore back in my family's pocket). Worst case scenario I'd move out of my bedroom and give it to them, and I'd stay in the living room. Even so, OPing would still be worth it, and if I can get mortgage free then one day I might be able to help them save up for their own house deposit. (We'll see, my partner and I still need to discuss in more depth what we'd like to be able to do for them financially, but it's early doors as yet.)

Merlin's_Beard

I would be careful about comparing yourself to the average homeowner as a goal - the average home is owned by two people, for a start, so that 80% they're not putting to the mortgage is a lot more flexible as it's a shared burden. I think you're doing amazingly for the budget you've got.

ManekiNeko

Hm well that's a very good point Merlin, hadn't really thought about it that way. 🤔 Food for thought indeed. And thank you ☺️ certainly doing my best.

You have good timing actually as I went food shopping today and spent a fair bit on food. Admittedly some of it was a stocking up kind of shop, but still, the prices of some foods I haven't bought in a while were a bit of a reality check. I'll have to see how this goes when I'm fully moved in as I'm definitely being sheltered from this atm by staying with my partner.

ManekiNeko

I'm gradually working my way through transferring my budget over to my new app. Discovered the main problem with my old spreadsheet was that it had gotten too big, and there were too many todo's scattered through it rather than purely just the financials. (Yes, that sounds silly, but they were financially-related todo's like sign up for a better account, or call a company to request a refund, that kinda stuff, so it made sense when I scribbled them down.)

Still often finding I'm quite upset and overwhelmed lately, I keep trying to resolve things but I simply don't have enough time and focus and energy to go round, and I can't cope with everything that's going on, especially family stuff.

I feel like I need about ten different me's to get everything done.

ManekiNeko

You know, one thing that's really noticeable for me at the moment is that I just don't have the desire to splurge. I have 'enough' money in savings that I feel safe enough (about £2-3k seems to be the magic number), so the urge has basically vanished. It's ironic I only want to spend when I don't have enough money. 🤔

Tbf a lot of my savings now are sat there waiting to be spent on various things at some future point (house stuff of various kinds), but I'm hoping that by the time I actually buy the intended items, I'll have started to save up monthly into my various pots, so my balance won't feel 'too low' again.

I haven't been able to save into my pots in months, but it's very needed as otherwise my budget won't balance in the longer run (e.g. there won't be any money for Christmas, a holiday, or the next time I need to buy a mobile phone). Tbh, I don't have enough money each month to fully fund all the categories I know I'll eventually need (tech is the most underfunded at just £20 a month, and there's no way I can save yet towards the costs of remortgaging or moving to a larger home), but it's what I can do for now. In theory, as my partner is buying my food just now, there's absolutely no reason why I can't afford to put money into my pots either. I'll ask him what he'd prefer though, if I sent him the £165 for the month that I have towards our food bill, or used it for buying the occasional bit of food while I'm out / at mine and then mainly towards sorting my home.

When I wake up properly and discover some motivation, I'll be carrying on working on moving my budget over to my new app, so assuming I can get that finished this week, there's no reason why I can't easily do all of the above next week on the 1st (also, how on earth will it be March by then? 🤯). I'm really pleased I've found myself a budgeting solution I can use even when I'm not well enough to cope with doing my budget on the laptop. I feel very relieved to think I'll soon be back in charge of my money, and that I'll be able to know exactly what I've got in each pot again. 😌

ManekiNeko

A MH post, so skip it if you just want the money stuff.

As to the MH side of things, I was really struggling last night because of the stress of family stuff. I couldn't / can't cope with the intensity of how I was feeling, and as a result I ended up struggling with delusions. This meant I didn't feel able to cook, and wasn't even feeling hungry, although I must have been because I could hear my stomach grumbling. I asked my partner about maybe ordering takeaway, but after we talked about it, I did a bit of washing up and helping, while my partner made us pancakes for dinner. 💛

This is what love looks like. Love is also him making the mix and the first few pancakes, giving the first one to me to eat, and then (knowing me well enough to recognise I was feeling a bit better by then) showing me how to make one, then telling me I'm totally on my own to make the next one, but actually standing right there and giving me tips anytime I was about to make a mistake.

Delusions btw are one of those MH words. The ones that if you say, people start giving you side eye, because they're no longer comfortable around you. So like, I just want to explain a bit about mine, because I hope someone who reads this will understand a little better, or feel less alone, and that will make our society a little better for everyone. I suppose the first thing is to say that I was scared to tell you I had delusions, in case of being judged. The other thing to know is that I get mine as a symptom of my Complex PTSD, as well as paranoid thoughts, when I'm under stress. Not everyone with C-PTSD gets these symptoms, but those that do usually get them when their MH is worse because of the stress they're under.

Stress doesn't have to mean a deadline, or what you'd traditionally think of as being stressed, like being rushed or busy. Hearing awful news, or relationship breakdown / a big argument, or seeing something upsetting or triggering, things like that are also stress. Ofc, some things will be highly stressful to one person but not another. In my case, I started getting delusions a few years ago at a moment of extreme, unbearable stress. I believe their purpose is to help me cope when I'm totally unable to, because they only ever happen when I can't cope; it's like my brain goes, ok then, no more reality for you today. They do keep me safe, but they can also be dangerous for me at times, depending on exactly how things go. I'll say a bit more about this later on.

Part of me would like to say what my delusions are about, but even though I'm not delusional at the moment, I'm still scared to write this down, especially in such a public way on the internet. This is partly because my brain is like, hmm, what if my delusions are true tho? Because if they were true, it wouldn't be a good idea to share them. I know, it's totally weird to not currently believe in my delusions, but still worry about this. (The definition of a delusion, btw, is basically an unusual belief that most other people don't share. So even among people who get them, there's a massive variety of what the actual delusion will be.)

The psychiatrist who diagnosed me said my delusions don't last long enough to be worth taking medication for them, and they don't rise to the level of psychosis, which means I don't need to notify the DVLA about them (which I checked with my GP at the time, having forgotten to ask the psychiatrist in our appointment - I was a bit preoccupied with getting the diagnosis and working out what it meant for me, etc). Basically, in lay terms, it means they don't last longer than a few hours at a time.

I don't like to go out or do anything much when I'm experiencing them, but even if I talked to or saw someone, they can't generally tell. I don't act differently to usual, or say anything unusual - certainly not with strangers, because I'd be afraid of a stranger thinking I might be vulnerable and deciding to do something bad to me. Only my partner usually knows I'm getting them, and that's both because he knows me so well, and because I don't try to hide anything about myself from him. (I often mask my real feelings from people, but not from him.)

In the past it's been quite dangerous for me to get delusions, because they can come on rapidly when I'm out and about, and I've done risky things like crossing a road without looking because of how it's affected me. (They do also keep me safe a lot of the time though, so it's an odd mixture.) They can also make me seem different to usual to my friends - for instance, not being able to talk about or understand certain topics. I can totally arrange to meet you for coffee if you suggest that with a date and time, and I'll either say yes or suggest a different day/time, but if you ask me if it'll help me for you to pop by and give me a hand with something, I'll just get confused because I don't understand the concept of 'help' any more. This is totally out of character for me, as I can usually hold down conversations about complex and/or academic topics. Admittedly these days I often need a pen and paper to do so effectively, but that's more because of short-term memory problems than any trouble with cognition.

Also, you know how long my posts usually are? You've probably gathered I'm quite a chatty person 😉 and that's just as true offline. When my MH gets worse, I can end up struggling to talk, and can even become non-verbal. This happened to me briefly last night. This might be to do with a dissociative disorder, if it turns out I have one. I'm still waiting for a funding decision from the NHS to see whether I can get assessed for one; my GP says she's getting. Either way, it's pretty disconcerting for me when I suddenly can't speak.

And then people (mostly me, but sometimes others) wonder what I've been up to all week and why I still haven't ordered a kitchen tap. And I don't really know, because of my memory issues, or because I feel I should be able to just shake these experiences off and function as normal the next day, so I feel bad and resolve to try harder.

I don't think I really have a conclusion, but at least writing this has helped me feel better about myself in that I don't massively feel up to working on my budget yet, nor going for a walk, which was the two main things I'd hoped to do today, as well as maybe an Amazon order if I was lucky enough that my energy held out that long. Doesn't seem likely, all I've done so far is post on here, plus get a call from the hospital with an appointment date.. I don't actually feel very well physically either, I might just go back to bed.

It's so frustrating as well, I'm always under pressure somehow even though I'm off sick. I never really get a proper rest, and today I'm sore about it because I feel like everyone else gets actual time off and help when they're ill but I don't. And I know it's not as simple as that, rationally, but emotionally that's where I'm at today.

ManekiNeko

Oki so now I feel awkward because that was a massive rant sorry lol

I think the feeling pressured is partly because I have some live commitments to others - e.g. need to decide if I'm returning to work, I've got my volunteering, I want to get back to my studies. And partly because when you're already off sick, you can't call in sick.. so I'm considering instituting sick days for myself lol. Because clearly I need a way to get time off from the todo list when I'm not well enough without feeling too guilty, and I think the concept of a sick day just intuitively makes sense to me (probably all those years working in offices eh).

I do feel a bit better now, having played on a game for a couple hours, so I might get on to my budget later after all. We see.

ManekiNeko

Okay so, the budget work is going well, just very slowly (long story, partly a technical issue, now resolved). Although it's taken up nearly the whole week, I'm very nearly there now, perhaps just an hour or two of easy work left I reckon. It's my most crucial task this week, as we have our CAB appointment next week. Hopefully, they'll be able to advise us on working out how having a family will affect our finances, and they told us to bring allll our figures with us, so I'm getting prepared basically.

In terms of my budget, the biggest change for now will be with how I treat my PIP payments. PIP send me money every 4 weeks, not every month, which means that once a year, I receive a 13th payment from them. In the past, I've used this as a bonus - effectively, a lump sum savings pot to buy or do something with. The first year I bought a tent, the second year I put it towards buying my apartment.

Having now had a hard look at my figures, I've come to the conclusion that I absolutely can't get my sums to balance if I carry on doing this; there's simply not enough money for my budget to balance over the longer run given how hot inflation has run over the past year with the cost of living crisis. A lot has happened since I did my "If I bought" budget in December 2021.

To be clear here, we aren't talking the kind of unbalanced budget that causes an immediate crisis, thanks to my partner's kindness in paying for my food at the moment (and then from June I'll be able to cover my own food costs). Rather, think of a never-ending, grinding kind of poorness where I can never afford a haircut, nor new clothes, nor infrequent expenses like a passport renewal, and where I'll panic and need to borrow money every time a piece of tech or an appliance needs replacing, and with no way to fund the couple of larger home improvements projects that I'm conscious need addressing.

I had originally attempted to cover these sins with a generous Rainy Day Fund savings pot of £50 a month, and by giving myself a "fun" pot of £100 a month, but I secretly knew that a lot of these expenses would have to come out of those pots. It was necessary at the time, but it's certainly not how I like to budget.

The new plan is to portion my 13th PIP payment out into 12 equal payments of £52.30 a month, and pretend this is extra income I'm now receiving each month. Fortunately, I've only recently had the 13th payment (around Christmas time) and haven't actually spent it yet, as I was hoping to put it towards changing my locks and generally improving my home security. Obviously I can't have my cake and eat it too, so instead, I'll research grants and other financial aid in the hope I can find something to help me afford to replace my locks one day. Once more of my DIY is completed, I could also use money from this fund to save up for house stuff.

I've also checked with my partner and we worked out (using his food bills as a benchmark) that my planned £250 a month should be a good amount for me to use from June, so that's given me some confidence. I'm expecting that figure to leave a little spare in most months, which I'll keep to one side and use at Christmas time to get a few special treats in. He's also said he doesn't want a contribution towards food while I'm at his, so in March I'm expecting to buy a jigsaw instead of food, which will enable us to build some furniture that's needed at both his and mine.

My new budget still isn't exactly how I'd like it to be, because there isn't enough money to do everything I want to. However, it's a breath of relief compared to how things have been, and I feel like it's much more sustainable. My rainy day fund savings have dropped to £30, but that's because I've finally got enough money coming in that I can save at a sensible rate for new tech and appliances, for example, so that money is now for true emergencies, not largely foreseeable ones such as "oh dear the washing machine broke down" or "my passport needs renewing."

Shiny new SOA to follow ... 😇 (ETA: Probably on Monday, after my CAB appnt.)