Starting afresh in paradise

ManekiNeko

Ooh. Just realised I'd forgotten to tell you that my mum sent me £500 to help with me sorting out my apartment, which is amazingly generous of her and I'm really grateful. So soon I'll be able to buy things like a bathroom cupboard and some other house stuff I really need, as well as some shoes which tbf I really need.

ManekiNeko

Trying to relax today, actually woke up with a little energy for a change. So clearly taking yesterday off helped. Still haven't transferred my budget over to my app yet though.

The weekend plan is pretty much to watch the Six Nations matches, I've also to pop up to my apartment today or tomorrow.. maybe a quick food shop.. got some prep work for next week to do, but mostly just trying to relax as best I can. Got a couple of games in mind I quite fancy playing as well, but we'll see how the time goes.

Grey and cloudy here but it's nice doing nothing in particular. My partner just made me a nice cuppa as well so life must be good. Hope everyone's having a nice Saturday.

ManekiNeko

Okay so, it's been a really stressful few days again with family stuff, but not every part has been bad - some was extremely difficult but ended positively, or at least more positively I am, however, officially exhausted and in need of a break. I really don't handle difficult conversations well, probably because of past trauma, and I've had nothing but them for almost two weeks now. I'm done in.

Got the new bed today, so I'm looking forward to a better night's sleep at least. It was a pain to put together but oh well, done now. Been laying on it most of today playing on my computer game, which has meant I've finally been able to play the free update that came out a fortnight ago.

For some reason now stressed and awake ... was reading on the news tonight that only a quarter of people have £100 saved. I was thrown by the figure, as it seems low, but there again the cost of living crisis is nipping at everyone's heels (though some are of course more affected than others).

Can't think what else is news - I finished my OCD course, the plumber says he's all booked in for next week. I also got a new citizenship recently after a couple of years of waiting, so that's another piece of paperwork done - although I'll have to change it anyway once I change my name.

Okay, typing seems to have made me tired so going to try and doze off while I can. Night all. 🌌

ManekiNeko

A couple of days of doing nothing at all have done me a lot of good, and I've finally got some energy back. The downside of enough energy left to think is that I'm feeling very anxious again. The upside is that I've been able to move my bookcase out at mine with my partner, and discover that there fortunately isn't too much filling to be done. So, a big relief. I'll probably come to stay at mine for a few days next week and do it then, although I'll need a sanding block and maybe a lick of paint.

Today I'll be starting work on the living room in terms of unpacking. Got a friend round soon to help so hopefully I'll feel better in myself with the distraction and company.

It's now six years (well, at the end of the month) until my fix runs out. If I reverted to their SVR today, based only on my standard repayments made by that date (e.g. ignoring all OPs), that would be 7.49 per cent and would cost me £410 a month.

If my credit supported a remortgage/product transfer (and there's no reason to suppose it wouldn't, but it's so long in the future it's hard to say what my circs could be ofc), then their best five year fix is currently 4.40 per cent, which would be £301 a month, and their best 10-year fix is currently 5.35 per cent, which would be £333.

These aren't drastic figures and give me some comfort, although they hide a vastly different lifetime interest cost so I'm certainly motivated to keep OPing, especially while my rates are so low. I'm looking forward to May, when my budget should be balancing again (my partner is being very generous to me, but I don't like the feeling of being dependent), and I'll then be able to up my payments to my DS and also introduce regular OPs for the first time. Admittedly both are only about £13 a month, but I'm still really pleased with this.

In other news, I'd bought a number of winter boots in the sales (my feet aren't easy to buy for so I always get several), but none fitted me quite right and so I've now returned the last of them - except one, because it needs to go back overseas (with Amazon). They said I could take it to the Post Office but they told me they're unable to accept it, so this means I've to phone Amazon for about the fifth time this week. 🙄 Anyway, I'll try again, and the refunded money will come in handy for something I'm sure. Decided I'll just stick to my hiking boots if it's snowy or wet, they're a little bit heavy but they do fit me nicely.

ManekiNeko

Oh - for context here, if I repay my DS before my fix ends, I can afford up to £345.48 without lifestyle changes if I simply roll her repayment amount onto my standard mortgage payments, plus the £13 OPs to her and my mortgage.

That's because of front loading a little economic pain. I'm thinking this idea of giving a small percentage of any increased income to OPs is a strategy I'll stick to in future.

newgirly

I just wanted to pop and in and say hi as I’ve read your diary. Sounds like you are making lots of progress on sorting your new home out, although stressful it must be great to finally have somewhere safe that’s yours, I wish you all the best 😊 

ManekiNeko

Thanks @newgirly, yes it's definitely good to have somewhere to call my own. I can't tell you how big of a difference it's making for me compared to living in the refuge and always having in the back of my mind that I could be moved on with less than 24 hours notice. I can finally plan my life again.

You've reminded me of that feeling of safety this morning, so thanks for that ☺️ I've been struggling with motivation today (I'm really stressed by my family situation just now) and needed something positive.

I've got my support worker appointment soon, so I'll have to get up and out for that, and then when I come back I'll be preparing for the plumber to come tomorrow or the day after. He said to call him if I don't hear from him with a time, so I'll do that towards the end of the day. I've got some packaging in the hallway to break down, and then just generally need to try and shift things around (tidying them away as far as possible) to make space for them to work. I also built up quite a lot of shredding while my shredder was inaccessible, so I'll try to do at least some of that.. I don't want to overheat it, but it does need doing as I've a few small bags of shredding getting in my way now. I'm very good at keeping my home tidy when it's fully unpacked and everything has a home, but honestly pretty terrible at dealing with backlogs of any kind - to me it's overwhelming. I need company, like having someone over, or even being on the phone with someone, to be able to do much when it's this visually overwhelming. I do wonder if that's a sign of autism - I'm still waiting on my assessment, it'll probably happen sometime this summer - or maybe I'm just naturally terrible at being in spaces that aren't very tidy.

On the other hand, despite all my difficulties with working on my space, my partner and I are planning a family in our future, so I really just need for my home to be sorted. I need my time and energy back, and also, I can easily get hurt clambering around furniture and boxes - it's happened a few times now. So there's plenty of reasons for me to push on with the job at hand. To be honest, I'm also starting to consider whether I might give up a few other external commitments - the job I planned to return to, my volunteering role. I don't like to let people down, but I'm finding myself with less to give, and I can't seem to get on top of things right now. There's also financial considerations - if I try to return to work, which I was considering for say half a day a month, UC won't go ahead with paying my service charge, and even if I only earnt a penny before realising that I was still too unwell to work, I'd have to wait another nine months for them to do so (I'll have already waited nine, ironically, by the exact point my boss and I had pencilled in for me to try to return). That's a lot of money for me right now, it's £65 a month.

There's a few reasons I'm considering stepping back, including my mental health (I truly don't know if I'll be able to cope mentally with the pressure of returning to work, as my old job was always a trigger for my OCD), but I think I just want my time and energy back, and to stop feeling guilty for what I'm not able to do. I want to focus on creating my home in a way that's right for me, and also on finishing my degree. I feel like both are essential steps for me before adding a family to the mix; I can't see myself being able to study much with a little one. And it would feel quite awkward to return only briefly before needing to step away again on parental leave.

Anyway, I'd best get myself organised to go out. Didn't realise how much I was thinking about until I started writing! 🤯

ManekiNeko

Actually, just had a rather clarifying thought. I won't even earn £65 a month for half a day's work (it's been so long I can't remember my hourly rate, but it was pretty average, about £10-12 I think).

So I'd literally be paying to return to work at this point. 🤔 Unless I did more hours, but frankly I think I'd be daft to start back with a high amount of hours when I don't even know if I can cope with a low amount.

ManekiNeko

Well I can't sleep, again. This stress isn't good for me. I'm contemplating phoning a helpline to vent but it feels too exhausting to even speak about everything that's getting to me just now. I'm by turns really emotional and then dissociative. It's generally a sign that things are too much for me to cope with, but I do wish I could express some of my feelings at times as I think it could help me understand myself better.

Tomorrow my partner is coming over to help me shift some heavy stuff around, and after that my mate is coming over to help me take some old medication back to the pharmacy and also box and post off some stuff for charity (I like to donate to a charity that lets me post them donations for free, which is a handy system for me). I rung the plumber too and they're confirmed for Wednesday, so I've got tomorrow to finish up making the place ready. Realistically, the bathroom only needs 5 minutes, what's taking the time is trying to sort out the living room so I've got a good place to sit while they work lol.

In the morning I also need to set up my printer and get it working to print the charity postage off. It's also needed because I wrote a letter today (with my support worker) to appeal the decision that I'm not eligible for the Warm Home Discount scheme. And, I should post that Amazon parcel back too, and pick up one of those forms to swap the old style stamps for new ones.

Anyway, guess I'll try some Netflix and see if I can relax at all. Night all. 🌌

ManekiNeko

So the watching TV hasn't happened, but on the other hand, I've finally got the pro version of my budgeting app and set it up so that it can back up to the cloud. This means I can sync between my laptop and phone once I also buy it on my laptop, and equally means my data is protected to at least some degree in the sense of being able to back up, albeit not in an automatic way. Have also moved some money I'd been sent into my savings, so it's finally earning interest. Feel a bit more organised 🪄