Starting afresh in paradise

ManekiNeko

Yes that's true @Merlin's_Beard, I definitely struggle with old roles also. It's strange how that happens, isn't it? I even had difficulty taking my PRN medication sometimes, as it's not something I usually do in front of my family. I'm working on being more open with people at the moment, so I guess it's part of that work for me.. it certainly doesn't come naturally. A couple of family members seem to have noticed a change though, as they actually asked me about my mental health this time and wanted to understand more about my difficulties. I'm trying to work out some good articles I could send them as a starting point maybe.

It's a hugely difficult balance for me though with family - I'm close to my siblings, but while my parents weren't cruel people or something, there was some abuse and neglect. I'd wager a lot of it was due to their own ignorance and difficulties in life (I do sometimes wonder if at least one of them has something undiagnosed going on) rather than being purposely awful, but it makes it hard to trust them, you know? I've been feeling I need to actually raise this with them at some point soon, so I'm trying to figure out how to do that.. among other reasons, I'm having a lot of memory issues these days (which is one of the reasons I'm getting assessed for a dissociative disorder, hopefully, if the funding is awarded by the NHS anyway -- I'm on tenterhooks awaiting their decision), and it's getting ever harder to remember what I've said to who exactly.

Thanks, aside from tiredness and a rather sore throat I'm doing ok and it seems that I'll fight this one off rather than getting more ill with it. Planning to just take it easy over the next few days in the hope that it helps my mental health as well as getting rid of the cold - it's been a bit ropey but not awful or anything. My partner said last night I seemed over-tired and I know he's right (I couldn't stop talking which is a sign lol), and I know I've been super stressed and that massively affects things for me. Probably also explains why I'm dissociative today.

Not much to report today - I've re-scheduled the microwave to come next Tuesday instead, and I left a voicemail for the plumber yesterday. I'll probably give him a bell later on if I've not heard back. Personally I just want to collapse in a heap but I do need to try and get him booked in, because I need for my place to be functional and actually say, move fully in to the home I've owned for seven months now, that would be quite good.

On the plus side, I'm going to have a support worker again from tomorrow to help me with practical things. They say I can get help for up to two years, as long as we can show that we're working towards a housing-related goal - so for instance, applying for IIDB will be one of my goals, and because finances are a big part of maintaining a securing housing situation, that's acceptable. It won't really make any odds just now if I get it or not, as if I do get it awarded it'll only reduce my UC, but the big difference is that I'd keep IIDB if I returned to work, whereas UC would stop at some point. At the moment tbh it feels totally inconceivable for me to ever get back to full-time work, but I'd really like to do at least part-time work.. a friend of mine told me they'd finally gotten to the place of understanding with their health that they know they'll only ever work part-time, and that they're ok with that. I have this feeling I may end up in a similar position, but never say never, right?

Anyway - I'm rambly today - think I'm going to go play a computer game for a bit and try to chill.

ManekiNeko

So ok, I'm really struggling at the moment. I had an argument with my partner at the weekend, which seems to have been largely a miscommunication and is nearly sorted out, I hope. That's not the issue.

The issue is that I found a lot of past memories got brought up for me, leaving me with a lot of emotions (I hate conflict and the topic of the argument was triggering for abusive arguments I'd had with my ex in the past). More than that, I'm feeling very vulnerable again because I'm functionally homeless, in the sense my home isn't habitable, not really, and I have no independent transport because I don't have a car any more. I'm also pretty broke, to the point I'm reliant on staying at my partner's place this month because I can't afford a full month of food.

Now, he's tried to reassure me that he wouldn't ask me to leave just because of an argument, and that he's happy to help me out and support me because it's part of being in a partnership and besides, I've helped him in the past so it's really only fair. I rationally believe him, but emotionally I'm terrified. To be clear, this isn't my partner's fault, he's a good person - it's because of how my relationships have been in the past.

I'm at my place now for a night, and I'm supposed to be unpacking and cleaning more while I wait for the plumber to ring me back (why do they drop off the face of the earth after giving a quote?), but I'm not doing much because I'm upset. Which is ironic, because the best way for me to feel more secure during/after arguments is to get myself a functional, safe, tidy home.

Idk what to do. Does anyone have tips that work for them when they're very overwhelmed by a task, or just generally words of encouragement?

In other news - I met my support worker for the first time today, we've done a risk assessment and will be doing goal setting next week (e.g. we'll probably start doing proper work together in two weeks from now, which is a big relief). And I found 1p in the supermarket car park today, which I've paid onto my mortgage.

I've also been looking at using an app to do my monthly budget, as I'm finding I can't always get onto my laptop when I'm unwell, and then I can easily get confused or spend money I don't have. Ironically, due to my MH I'm also struggling to set up the app fully with all my figures, but maybe I can ask my support worker to help me if I haven't managed by then.

ManekiNeko

Return to normal service here as I woke up yesterday feeling much more positive.🌻I spent the day working on unpacking with a friend, which was nice. I got a fair bit done, if not everything, as I still felt quite drained. But the kitchen is so nearly there, only one drawer and one cupboard left to clean, plus locating anything else (pans etc) that still needs unpacking into them, breaking down the boxes, etc. Oh, and a fair bit of washing up as I've had a lot of kitchen things donated to me, which I'm very grateful for but also, you know how you want to clean everything yourself first? It's like that, so I have a big stack waiting for my attentions. I haven't plumbed in my countertop dishwasher yet, either, but I think that falls under DIY to sort after I've unpacked tbf so I'll not count that as part of the job. (It's not a simple one as there's no current plumbing for one, so I've to pop a T-splitter onto the mains cold.)

Today is a day off as I clearly need it, and I'm being thoroughly lazy so far lol. I even had a piece of Christmas cake for breakfast 😯 and the plan, aside from quickly ringing a plumber, is any combo of knitting, drawing, browsing on the interweb, and playing my current fave computer game.

My friend and I are having another go at it all on Friday, and hoping to make enough of a dent that my partner and I can move the bookcase forward. This will mean we can take the skirting board off, fill any holes we discover and then bolt the bookcase to the wall. In turn, that'll mean I can unpack at least 5-8 boxes of books onto it, and should mean I can finally walk around my bed again (it's not a big room and the boxes are currently stacked on the far side of my bed, which makes it a huge pain to open my curtains).

I also called Amazon yesterday as they made a mistake, so they've agreed a £5 credit (only took me 40 mins on the phone 🙄 and they're saying it'll take up to 7 business days to fix it so they don't keep trying to charge me for something I already paid for). And I found 5p yesterday while nipping to the Morrisons café to use the loo. Both of these were ofc paid off the mortgage. Realised my SVR is currently 6.99 per cent, so it's reassuring for me when I keep making even these tiny OPs. It's not much really, but I keep telling myself it'll add up over the years, and every penny repaid is a penny I won't have to pay interest on. 🪙💸

ManekiNeko

Having a nice morning reading on the mortgage boards and it motivated me to ring my lender, apparently my daily interest is now £3.04, compared to £3.10 when I first completed. For me right now, happiness is 6 pence a day back in my pocket.

Merlin's_Beard

Glad to hear that you're feeling more positive, and it sounds like things are moving  along. I'm sure getting the bookshelf sorted willl help as well, because home is where the books are.

ManekiNeko

Thanks, thoroughly agreed re the books 💛📚

Today I'm not doing good, got complicated family stuff going on among other things. I want to stay in bed and sleep but I have to attend my OCD course. I did think I'd maybe call a helpline but I had a call scheduled with my volunteering boss this morning, so I didn't, and then she didn't even call me. 😡

Anyway, I'm basically a ball of misery. 😰🥺😔😱😶😶‍🌫️🤷‍♀️

ManekiNeko

Yesterday was quite productive, I finally finished cleaning all my kitchen cupboards after the move! 🎉 So I was able to unpack some of my other kitchen stuff and break down the packaging. It's true there are some areas of the kitchen I haven't cleaned yet, but it's at the stage I can use it normally now, and then gradually deep clean the things that are left to do as and when I like, which is probably just to do a little bit each time I clean up in there after cooking.

It means I finished unpacking the things I was given as part of the grant for setting up home, so for instance my microwave and toaster are out and usable. The dishes and cutlery they gave are on the counter waiting to be washed up though, but at least they're out of all the packaging which I've taken out to be recycled.

My friend is coming back on Monday to help me with the last few (six?) boxes in my bedroom, most of which I think are kitchen stuff. If we unpack those, I'll finally be able to attempt to shift my bookcase with my partner (the boxes are currently in front of the bookcase). There was a bit more to do but after she left yesterday I did some extra to make it easier to work on Monday.

On a money front, I got a £25 cold weather payment yesterday. It was one of those times that the weather in my town hasn't been as bad as all that, but apparently has been in the area of my local weather station. So, being as I didn't have increased heating costs this time, I put it into an energy efficiency savings pot. I expect I'll spend it on getting the kitchen window pane (which is cracked) replaced, or even something like a draft excluder, stuff like that. I hope I'll be able to add more money to it one day, and perhaps even find an energy efficiency grant that's relevant to me.

I also paid in the money I got from my family for Christmas this year (I got given cash so had to remember to physically go and pay it in), and while I was there, also paid in most of the cash out of my purse. I usually like to carry some cash for emergencies but just now I'm too tight on money to justify it. I'd took some out a few weeks ago in case of needing an emergency taxi while I was away, but I didn't need it, so I put it almost all back.

My savings balance is looking healthier today, at around £2,800. Admittedly £1,300 or so is just my Jan income waiting for Feb's bills, but that means £1,500 is savings, which is great news as it means I'll start to get more savings interest each month (e.g. larger OPs). I feel a bit hopeful I may be able to save into at least a few savings pots this month, rather than spending every penny on my apartment. Most importantly though, feeling I have money there if I need it makes me feel safer, which (ironically) makes me considerably less likely to splurge.

I've been thinking these past few days though.. in the past I've been burnt by sharing money, but when I was better off I helped my partner out where I could, and now that he's better off than me he wants to help me out. It feels unsafe, but that's not his fault - that's a trauma hangover from my abusive relationships. My head says, in case he leaves me, I should make sure I pay down my mortgage, when I'm well enough to work to pay into my pension, and save and invest when I'm able to. My heart says, I couldn't be happy if I retired early or rich and he wasn't in that financial position too, so why not share? I'd be interested in everyone's thoughts about how they share or separate money in their relationship.

Merlin's_Beard

All sounds like excellent progress!

As far as money sharing, I'm single so I can't give you an example, but looking at your heart vs head they don't seem mutually exclusive? Putting money into your pension or your mortgage doesn't mean there won't be a shared benefit at a later date, whether that's looked at the joint value of pension pots to see if you can both retire or whether a paid off mortgage means you have lower joint outgoings at a later date - or that it means you can't help each other out here and there in the present.

ManekiNeko

That's a very good point Merlin, I like the way you think. ☺️

Things here continue to be very difficult in my personal life, in which I'm facing a true ethical dilemma (e.g. it's not a case of a good and bad choice, it's a case of choosing the least bad choice out of a series of bad choices). I'm feeling upset and overwhelmed, especially as my family situation is interlinked with everything. I am doing my level best to follow my morals and values through this maze. Nothing will be a quick solution. I haven't been coping well but my partner has been looking after me, and I'm trying to look after myself as best I can. I had a nice shower last night and felt better for it.

I must say these past days, and the intensity of the stress I'm under, have made the money situation feel much clearer to me. Come what may, my partner is my chosen family, and we need to work together, so I feel much better about the concept of sharing than I previously did. I don't think either of us want to fully share, because we recognise it's sensible to protect ourselves by having independent access to savings etc, but we do want to be a team, and under difficult circumstances in particular this feels essential. No decisions are needed at this moment about money, but I feel clearer in my heart. I expect I'll still work with my therapist to attempt to resolve my trauma related fears on this, but something important has already shifted for me.

It feels alright to say now that we're planning a family together (to be clear, we're planning, not pregnant, as things stand). This has been our plan for a long time, and we've worked hard to make ourselves ready in many ways, and of course one of those ways was by me buying a home so we have a secure base. Of course, I would have preferred to buy us a house with a garden, but an apartment near a park will do the job for now. I don't know if our money situation will allow us to buy a house by the time my mortgage fix ends - if it doesn't, I'll move into the living room to give our future child their own bedroom by the time they start school. We'd really like to buy a house though, as we'd like to live together but don't feel we have enough space in my apartment for that to be the case right now. But, if I'm still off sick, I'd need to have pretty much / actually paid off my mortgage to afford to borrow enough to move up the property ladder to the next rung of either a decent two-bedroom apartment or a fixer-upper terraced house.

We have a CAB appointment later this month to help us understand how our finances would change with a family, but we feel confident that between us we can afford a family regardless of what help we might be eligible for (as my partner's financial situation is better than mine, and even mine should be steadier from April or May time). I also hope that I'll be able to change my name in a few months, making me feel safe enough from my ex to be able to rent out my car parking space and make some extra money to OP. It won't be megabucks but every little bit helps. 💸

In money news, I've OP'd £17.78 so far this month (savings interest, cashback, bank account rewards and a complaint to Amazon). It's not much, but it's also not bad for free money.

ManekiNeko

My partner's just worked out for me that if I carried on OP'ing at my current average rate, my mortgage term would be 32.5 years instead of 34 years. Not bad for free money - I'd say I've overpaid £5 or less of my own money at this stage, with the rest being things like interest, cashback, refunds, complaints, etc.

If you remember, I said I'd overpay my dear sister by 10.1 per cent of the increase I'll get in April, to pay her back quicker. I'm also now thinking I'll OP the mortgage by the same amount, which will leave about £3 a month towards stamps (a line item I've realised I need in my budget) and £100 extra towards food, or housekeeping generally like cleaning products and things, which should mean I can stop relying on my partner to buy me food as I am right now. That should free up my fun budget for you know, actually having fun. It's not even expensive stuff I want, or at least not all the time - just being able to afford to go to my knitting club, or take a picnic to the park, or not worry about catching a train to the beach and getting a fish and chips treat once a month, would be amazing.

I need to give it a bit more thought and calculate the exact figure to OP, but I'm leaning in that direction anyway. The MSE calculator is a bit rough I think, but it claims if I did that, I'd repay my mortgage 2 years 5 months sooner, saving £1,660 in interest (assuming it was at 1.65 per cent the whole time).

It will obviously make my budget a little tighter compared to not using that to OP, but I think it spreads out the economic pain of a future increased mortgage payment by preempting it, even by £13 ish extra a month (which is the 10.1 per cent). I also think it's important to develop the financial habit of giving extra to my mortgage every time I see an increase in income. And, I really want to make it possible for us to have a family home one day. It feels pointless to save even 2.5 years, as on the current rate of progress I'd still be in my mid-to-late 60s by the time I repaid, but I also know that every penny repaid is a penny I won't have to find towards our next home. I'm not sure if we'd buy jointly or just in my name, so showing good affordability through as big a deposit as we can muster will be key for us.

One point on this is that keeping OPs in savings until the end of each mortgage year (currently I have 5.12 per cent interest) is financially better than OP'ing it. I've been actually OP'ing so far though, so I can't accidentally spend the money (important because my mental health has been worse and I've been getting confused with what I can spend at times), and also because I knew I'd be applying for certain grants and I was worried that keeping even very small amounts of money in savings could be seen as a bit funny by the grant awarders, so thought it was best to just pay it directly off my mortgage debt. The people helping me apply agreed and said it was best to pay all my bills first, and then come to them with what I had left, otherwise it could go against me, so even though my mortgage OPs isn't exactly a bill I decided to err on the side of caution and just repay it off my mortgage debt immediately that I got e.g. my savings interest. I could well be applying for other grants in future too, like energy efficiency ones, although I've no idea if they care about savings, so I'm on the fence about what to do there. 🤷‍♀️

Anyway, this doesn't answer how I could afford a family home, but it does show I'm probably working to a 30-year mortgage by April or May time, not the 34-year term I took out. And that will do for now. It's not a solution to the problem of how to give my kid(s) a bedroom and a garden, so I'll continue to turn the problem around in my mind ofc - it's just how I'm hooked up as a person - but equally, only 8 months into my mortgage and especially as a person on benefits and in the middle of a cost of living crisis, I'm proud of being on track for a 4-year time saving. 😌

Next steps will be - investigate bank account switching bonuses, and consider stoozing. And maybe doing surveys - I've forgotten the name of one company someone told me was good, so I'll need to skip back a few pages in my diary for that info. 📖🔖 I'm dealing with a bit more family stuff first, but next week I'm planning to go up my apartment for a few days and carry on with unpacking and DIY stuff, and once that's complete I'll be in a stronger position to do all that bonus financial stuff, as I'll have an organised, peaceful environment to be in. And, once I've gone abroad in April (my family are generously covering the cost as I couldn't have afforded to join them otherwise), I won't need my passport for a bit so I'll change my name then, and when I've got my new ID sorted out I'll be able to rent out my parking space too.

Feeling quite content tonight, despite all the personal stresses on me just now (maybe I'm just too tired to be upset any more right now). Just need to muster up the energy to sort out my new budgeting app - it's a few quid (like £4) but worth it to allow me to budget when I'm less well. Maybe tomorrow morning with a nice coffee eh, then it'll be the Six Nations. 🏈 Happy Friday night everyone, hope this week has been quiet and productive for you, and that the weekend is an oasis of calm. 🏝️🌴