Starting afresh in paradise

ManekiNeko

Well today didn't exactly go as planned, I called the WiFi people but had a dropped call and then ended up talking with my mother. We were messaging and she asked for a call, I wished I'd asked why but I just assumed it was more urgent so I rang her and then we ended up chatting for quite a while. By that time it was too late to ring the WiFi people back before the water board were due to ring me, but despite waiting for ages they never did, so I ended up ringing them.

Anyway - outcome - the water is all set up and I'm paying a bit less than I'd guessed I would, which is great. It'll go down (in theory) by a few pounds a month from March.

It is obviously the month for battery issues as my spare handset has also now stopped charging. The battery was clearly getting a bit ropey (which I think is why I replaced it originally) but I was really hoping it'd hang on until my current one was fixed - hopefully tomorrow or Friday. So now I'll have to pay to replace the battery and/or charging port on my spare phone just purely to get the data off of it and get rid of it. Two phones in a week though is a bit suspicious and I think it's time for a new phone charger, just in case, as it's been intermittently worsening over the past few months.

Obvi usually I'd have moved the data off straight away but stressed/busy etc over the past years. All I can say is, I shall be very glad to finally have a settled life where I can take care of admin like this, because it stresses me hugely when it all goes wrong.

On an OPs front, I found 5p in the hospital car park when I went for my appointment, so it'll be going off the mortgage. Ridiculous maybe lol but every little helps eh.

I also spent a lot of time on my budget today and it's very nearly finished. I think when I get my PIP payment tomorrow I should be in a position to start making decisons about whether I need a loan from my DP / what I can pay for and when. However, I won't be able to log in and check that it's arrived I doubt, because I don't have a phone and the website requires the app for me to login. Because ofc.

I'm tired out and fried from some medical appointments today, so perhaps a few more rows of knitting, or perhaps straight to bed. I'm at a total loose end without my phone, normally I'd get in bed and have a read online or watch Netflix. I need to start looking for a new one really...

ManekiNeko

Well today's been exhausting but productive. I've been back on antibiotics for my recurrent infection again this week, so was feeling quite pants and not had much energy, but by yesterday was almost back to normal, and today I feel ok enough. I spent nearly 90 minutes breaking down the packaging for the fridge (two black bags of polystyrene, two recycling bags of cardboard). I'm just hoping the council will take the bins, as the big wheelie bin is overflowing now (it was full when I had to add my bags).😬

I was glad I'd worked fast at breaking down the packaging and clearing a space, as my washing machine was then delivered almost immediately afterwards. The delivery men were both good looking and mildly flirty with me, and made very light work of the delivery. I really enjoy being in a polyamorous relationship as I was free to flirt back with my eyes without any guilt - I even mentioned it to my partner later on. That makes a big difference for me, as in the past my OCD has left me paralysed with guilt just because someone flirted with me, even though I didn't respond (as I was in a monogamous relationship at the time).

My DP taught me how to plumb it in (he's offered to do DIY for me, but I really want to increase my skills, so the deal is basically that he teaches me what to do, I do it, and then he checks my work for now while I'm learning), which meant it took ages as I was learning how to do everything from scratch. It was very satisfying. I've also fallen in love with plumbers tape lol. It is the. best. thing. seeing it fit neatly into the grooves to form a good seal.

One small gripe was that the previous owners had put the red on/off switch (supposed to be used for the hot water inlet) onto the cold water inlet, so having plumbed it all in, we belatedly discovered that I'd attached it to the hot water inlet. Fortunately no harm no foul as there's no heating/hot water anyway. So we had to pull all the machines back out again and re-do the inlet. Also, I did get sprayed in the face with water once (not bad for my first foray into plumbing? Lol). Basically, there is no stoptap fitted in the apartment at the moment, and despite investigating thoroughly we can't locate one outside either (there's a lot under various manhole covers in the car park, but none are labelled).

I booked the water board on Monday and they're coming on the 22nd to try and help me locate both the one for the block, and for my flat. I'm hoping I can talk them into getting some placed above ground too - I don't know many people who'd fancy (or have the equipment to) crowbar up a manhole cover at 3am with an ongoing flood upstairs vs. just turning a stoptap. Basically, once I know where the mains stoptap is for my flat, I'll knock it off, and we'll fit a stoptap inside my apartment. This should mean no more water showers for future plumbing jobs.

I also literally can't plumb in my dishwasher until the stoptap is fitted, as we need to fit a T-splitter to the cold water inlet that currently goes into the washing machine. The dishwasher is a whole other challenge mind, as I wanted to put it on my countertop, but I think it's too heavy for that specific piece as it's not well supported. So I'll have to work out what to do about it.

After we were done with the washing machine, we decided to swap the doors on the fridge freezer (so they open easily). The design wasn't super, so it took us ages, not helped by me being pretty done in at this point. It was extremely awkward getting the doors back on and I mildly strained my shoulder (fortunately a few hours rest seems to have fixed it; my back is still dodgy but usually a night's rest sorts it out).

Basically, I'm knackered but we got masses done and I learnt a ton. Tomorrow I'm going back over there to carry on cleaning and tidying (ditto Monday), with the aim of being ready for Tuesday morning's delivery of the rest of my furniture. Quite a bit of floor space will be needed for this, so I'm going to unpack what I can into the furniture I already have, and I guess make a big pile of the rest in my bedroom, so the delivery people can't accidentally break anything. After my furniture comes, I should be able to make serious inroads into unpacking.

I've also 'argued' with computer systems for ages tonight about how to pay for my new phone, which I researched and chose this morning. It's surprisingly difficult to buy online when you can't log into your mobile app to authorise the payment. Anyway, the outcome was that I only got 0.5 per cent cashback instead of the 1 per cent that I could have enjoyed had my phone been working. Much against my usual style, I've even paid £4.99 so that it'll come on Saturday, instead of next Thursday. I've paid for it out of some birthday money that a relative sent me last year.

Oh yeah, and my partner managed to retrieve a snapped key from one of the window locks. I'd been baffled when I first got the keys, as there was a snapped key handle on the countertop by the oven, with no explanation. But now it's obvious why! So, assuming my local key cutter can do it when the key is in two pieces, in theory that'll save me £45.80 (less maybe £12 to get two keys cut). That's in addition to the £25 a time my DP's help has saved me, because I didn't have to pay for installation for the fridge, washing machine, or dishwasher. So I'm feeling very virtuous (and very grateful). 😇

Overall though, my budget is looking a bit grim. I think I've got about £600 left now, and that's got to cover a cross-country removals service, plus changing my locks, plus whatever else I need this month (food and so on). I'm starting to wonder if we could change the locks ourselves, but I'm nervous as I know if they're fitted incorrectly you can't rely on the protection nearly as much, and I do fear the consequences if my ex were to turn up somehow and try to break the door down. He doesn't have the address but nothing in life is certain. I'll have to have a careful think and research about this. But basically, I might very well be taking my DP up on the offer of a loan, just to get all this stuff sorted out and get in the door. I'm so tired and living out of multiple places isn't easy on me, and it's expensive now being in the MH house too. I went back there tonight and there's no heating, and it was freezing. Eventually I went to investigate and discovered someone had left the back door wide open, and it's pretty chilly out tonight. So it would really be great to get away from people who have no sense of security, and actually feel safe again.

I won't really have much to repay my DP with, maybe £20-25 a month. However, I'm getting my 13th payment of PIP around December or January time, so I could use a fair chunk of this to repay a bunch at once, or possibly keep it as a boost to my EF, depending on when my partner needs the money back by. Going to have a proper chat with him about it this weekend.

Gunna try to unwind now, although it's hard given my usual alarms obviously didn't go off (they're on my mobile) to remind me to take my medication. So I was about two hours late with everything. Night all.

ManekiNeko

Oh - forgot to say - assuming we can get the couch into the flat on Tuesday (I predict much sweating and removing various bolts in the car park), that means I can go ahead and call the boiler people that same day.

That would mean a guarantee the boiler will be fitted by the end of October (they work on a six-week window). Hopefully though they may come much sooner - I've heard it's usually more like 2-3 weeks. Obviously my flat won't look 'lived in' on Tuesday, but I figure I can get it fairly well unpacked while I'm waiting for the installers to come out.

Once I know how long they'll be, I'll be able to make a plan with my DP about whether it's worth the time and effort of moving my important stuff over to his to stay with him for a while, or whether I'm better off sitting tight and moving directly from the MH house into my new apartment. Which reminds me, I still haven't heard back from the local police with security advice about my locks, so when my phone is back online I'll give them a bell - I have the number for a local PCSO who helped me get a domestic abuse flag put on my address (meaning they'll come out to me faster if I ring 999, because of the increased risk from my ex), and gave me a bunch of home security products. I reckon maybe he can get a number for the local Designing Out Crime Officer (DOCO), who is apparently who I need to talk with (their job is to advise local businesses and residents on how to improve their security and avoid crime, which obviously aids the police force as a whole by driving down the crime rates locally). I did email them a couple weeks back but no reply.

Okay - take two - bedtime!

ManekiNeko

Well I've somehow left it a whole week to update, the time has flown by. I keep promising myself I'll write more often, so I don't ramble on too much and leave you with a wall of text. Hmm. Next time perhaps?

This week I was delighted to discover that the couch did indeed fit in once the back was removed (a simple push to fit job), so no unbolting required. A relief as one of my downstairs neighbours keeps their front door open all day, every day. It's not that I don't like him - he seems perfectly pleasant - and I do appreciate that he kind of 'keeps an eye out' for anyone passing by. So it's great for my security and makes me feel safer in terms of my ex. It just can feel a bit like running the gauntlet every time you go out or return.

I spent a considerable number of hours cleaning the couch (dark brown leather), as it appeared to have been kept dry but possibly stored in a barn, as there was ingrained mud, dust, paper shreddings, horse hair and dog hair on the base of it. There was also rust, but only on the metal parts (two out of the three chairs are recliner ones), so I'll be lubricating those soon in an effort to stop the rust progressing and prolong the life of the couch. On the plus side, the top of the couch is clean with no damage, except some flecks of white paint, and one area which for some reason was a light tan brown, as if the dye had been leached out. It's less noticeable than it was, as the shop I bought it from appear to have tried to touch it up using a dark red leather recolouring product. Anyway, at some point after I'm fully moved in, I'll pick up some leather cleaner and conditioner, as well as the correct touch up colour, and set to work on it.

As soon as the furniture arrived, I called the boiler company, and they're sending out an assessor on Tuesday to check what they can do. My place is still a mess, but I'll just have to explain it's because I've just moved in and of course they can expect it to be tidied up by the time the boiler installation team come out. I'll spend a little time on Monday tidying and unpacking, too.

Speaking of ... some big news ... after today, I'll be out of the MH house! 🎉 My only real motivation to stay was knowing I was saving money by doing so, and having calculated that that's no longer the case (in fact, I've been losing money by doing so since the start of August), it began to feel very pointless suffering here for no purpose. I was going to wait and see how long it'd be before the boiler was installed before leaving, so I could make a plan with my partner about whether I needed to stay with him, but it all came to a head on Wednesday when the housing manager was talking outside my room in the corridor for hours ... my mental health wasn't great that day anyway, and that additional stress meant I was hiding in my room for hours, unable to go out to use the toilet or even leave the MH house to go to my home and get on with the tasks I'd planned for that day, because I was scared of her. Essentially, while when I'm feeling level I'd brazen it out, I'd regressed mentally to being a kid, so that's why I was hiding.

I'd been visibly very stressed on Monday/Tuesday when my partner stayed over to help me with the furniture delivery, and I'd ended up feeling very guilty as a result. I wasn't mean or anything, but visibly overwhelmed and agitated, making me not easy to be around I'm sure. By Tuesday night I was googling the Respect course (for those who don't know, this is a course that domestic abusers go on if they decide they want to change), having convinced myself I was being controlling by asking my partner to take off his shoes (as my OCD was stressing me out about germs being in the room while I was mopping the space the couch was about to move into). My therapist tried to tell me on Wednesday morning that being stressed doesn't mean I'm being abusive, and that it's ok to ask guests to take off their shoes in your home, but it didn't really sink in ... it's hard to explain why. It's basically like, in my head there always has to be a bad one in a relationship, and since it's not my partner (who is unfailingly kind), it must be me. When I'm level, I don't believe that, but somehow deep down I guess there's a part of me that believes I'm bad or something? I'm guessing here, it's hard to make sense of (or even remember properly why I thought that way) when I'm not in that mode of thinking. I can't even remember most of Tuesday night and Wednesday.

Essentially though, because of the crushing guilt I was feeling, I didn't feel able to phone my partner, because of not feeling I deserved to. So it ended up with me calling a helpline, but not until Wednesday night, and by that time I was barely able to get a sentence out. I can't remember if I've said, but I'm waiting to be assessed to see if I have a dissociative disorder (think like DID/OSDD, which runs on a spectrum with other trauma-based disorders), and I was having all kinds of conflicting opinions from different parts of my head in quick succession (as well as pretty much a panic attack), so I'm sure I didn't make much sense to the person on the other end of the phone, particularly as some of the parts with opinions were much younger than my biological age (basically, imagine it like parts of my brain had temporarily regressed), although the man I spoke with was very kind about everything and actually helped a lot. He said the same thing as my therapist, but it still took me about another hour to actually phone my partner, by which time I was making a bit more sense, but was still very upset. We decided it was pointless staying at the MH house any longer, especially given it was leaving me unsafe yet again ... he was pretty much like, yeah no, that's not ok, if I come round and we move you out tomorrow how does that sound?

So, my partner came over yesterday and helped me move everything to my new home. We agreed we'd take a slower pace for the day so that my OCD didn't act up too much, and as a result neither of us got too stressed, and although we worked fairly solidly we also took breaks. It only took us about 4 or 5 hours, because we'd already moved a lot of stuff in advance, which I was deeply grateful for as I didn't feel very well. Today is just finishing up the last few bits, and then I'll take my (few) valuables over to my partner's to store there until I can change my locks. We haven't told the MH house I'm leaving yet (mostly because I'm scared to, in case they insist I meet with the housing manager as part of leaving), but I'm going to email them this weekend to serve my formal notice document. This means I'll pay for one more week (as my notice period is one week), and then that'll be it.

I've survived temporary accommodation for 1 year, 9 months, and 13 days (including today). I'm not sure how I'm still here ... most probably pure stubbornness ... but I am here, and I have a home to go to - my own home, that I own, for the first time in my life (well, co-own with the bank). It's momentous. It's the end of an era in my life. No more renting, and no more rules from accommodation providers - no curfew, no more intrusions into my personal life, and no limits on how often I can visit my own partner, family and friends. The staff weren't always good to us, but some were.

I'll actually be going to my partner's for the weekend, but that might be for the best lol as my bed is covered by clothing and my place is a mess (lots of things to unpack). We are getting pizza from the supermarket on the way home. Tonight I will be raising a glass 🥃 to absent friends and unfinished stories - not everyone made it through the experience, for what I know, and so many people disappeared before I could say goodbye, or find out whether they'd be ok where they were moving on to. I wasn't close to everyone, and some people scared me, but there were some people I'll never forget. I miss one good friend in particular from my refuge days.

At the moment the adult part of me has taken over, to ensure the move happens, but I know various other traumatised parts of my brain weren't doing too good earlier this week, so, I need to try and somehow check in with them over the weekend. I can't exactly say to you that they're alters, because that's the term used when someone has a diagnosis of DID, but they're very much present in my life even though I haven't had a diagnosis, so I guess I'll use the term for now just to try and be clearer for you reading this. Sometimes I don't believe I have DID (or something similar) myself, but apparently that's normal as the whole point of DID is to be a hidden condition (hidden even from yourself). The hiddenness protects you more from trauma. It feels scary putting this online, but I'm struggling a lot with the symptoms lately, especially forgetting things and suddenly finding myself feeling like a different age than I am biologically, so it also feels right to recognise those other traumatised parts of me, and how different parts of me are dealing with this week, rather than trying to hide the complexity behind a single-person narrative of my week. I'm also confused about how to handle things for the best, because I know some of my alters were very upset on Wednesday especially, but I can't remember what happened well enough to know how to help, other than by moving out of the MH house. Like, Wednesday is really foggy for me. I remember not knowing which way was up, though, because different alters had different opinions about what we should do, and I didn't know who to trust or what to do. I feel a bit scared of not remembering properly, and I feel pretty dissociative today. I'm also really scared of suddenly feeling younger again, because it can leave me (at worst) unable to communicate, or at other times unable to understand adult vocabulary. It also leaves me vulnerable to being told what to do by people who may or may not have my best interests at heart, rather than being able to decide for myself. I don't know if I want or don't want to be diagnosed with something that explains this. I'm confused, conflicted and scared.

There's lots of other practical things I could say and update on, but I've talked too much as it is, so instead I'm going to go clean my room in the MH house, ready to leave. So it'll be nice for the next person who needs it. Goodness knows it's rough enough needing temporary accommodation without having to worry about the cleaning as you move in.

ManekiNeko

Well, the move went about as smoothly as it could considering my OCD. Exhausting, but it got done. Spent the weekend at my partner's place. It was really busy, as we spent Saturday unexpectedly replacing the brake pads on his car, and then Sunday (also fairly unexpectedly - his family are not really planners) celebrating his dear nephew's first birthday. My DP very kindly paid for almost everything (I insisted on buying at least one thing) on Sunday, as he knows I'm struggling for money at the moment, which was really generous of him. It was good to learn how to replace brake pads (as a side bonus, I'd now feel confident changing a wheel, too), but although I was fine with taking the wheel itself off, trying to get the nut on the calipers undone was a nightmare and I think it's upset my wrist (I have RSI) - although it could also have been my house move / a combination. So basically, for future occasions, I'd need a torque wrench (and an extender bar I think) to avoid doing myself a mischief, and to get everything done up again too. I'd like to start using weights again, which could mean I'd be more able next time (and might not need the torque wrench), but equally I'm a bit nervous to upset my wrist. Anyway, that's all for after I've changed the locks, replaced the boiler, and collected my stuff from other people's houses - basically, an "after-moving problem."

Once I got home tonight, I pretty much collapsed in a heap (I think because I was dissociative?), not helped by it being quite cold tonight. It's not good as I've got the boiler assessor coming tomorrow, and I really need to at least move enough of my bags of stuff (aka the inevitable moving chaos that occurs when you couldn't use moving boxes or movers) aside that they'll be able to inspect all my radiators and boiler. In hindsight I should have waited until I'd unpacked more before I called them, but equally and to be fair to past me, I didn't feel like I could, as it's only going to get colder and the sooner the assessor comes out, the sooner the boiler can be installed.

Anyway, although I literally haven't touched a thing around the flat tonight, I did eventually drag myself up purely to serve my notice on the MH house, mostly because I didn't want to have to pay them any extra money if I could help it. So today's rental payment (covering the next week's notice period) should be my last one. I've still got the complaint in, and I'm not sure if I need to meet my support worker one final time, so there could be a couple more meetings still to come - but since I'm out of there, I can no longer be forced to see the person who was pressuring me to leave. I also had to nip out to the garage to get some food in (meant to do it over the weekend but it was so busy), so that wasn't cheap, but I'm planning to go to Aldi from tomorrow to start spending fewer pennies on food.

I'm going to get up bright and early tomorrow and get on with tidying things away for the assessor, hopefully I can get it done in time for when they arrive. I'm not going for unpacking at this stage - just for clearing enough space for them to work. The unpacking will be done slowly, as I clean one cupboard I'll unpack into it etc, until done ... I'll aim to do it over the next few weeks really, and ideally be finished by the time the boiler installation team comes out. After that I'll probably have to start all over again with the unpacking when I collect the stuff from my relative's house, but yeah. I can't really remember what I've got stored there - I'm hoping it won't be too much extra. I'm scared and overwhelmed at the idea of collecting my stuff, too ... not least because of my OCD.

Overall, my mental health is still a mess, I'm struggling. I keep regressing to different ages (consequence of as-yet-undiagnosed trauma symptoms), or getting heavily dissociated. It's really confusing when you feel small and can't understand why your hands are so big. I'm also struggling with a worsened set of OCD symptoms and some behaviours I dislike in myself but can't seem to control. Literally can't wait for my therapy session this week, I feel lost and freaked out, and at times unsure of my own thoughts and feelings. I'm struggling a lot with guilt and shame, and at times finding myself very confused and disoriented, not helped by having major memory problems right now. I'm hoping spending a few days in my own (permanent, safe) home will be restorative. It's actually the first time in my life I've ever had a safe place to live on a permanent basis (I've stayed with my DP for a while, before we got into a relationship, and of course in my uni halls, and although both were safe places for me, neither was ever intended to be permanent). So, this is new. I don't feel I can relax though until I've retrieved all my various possessions and changed the locks, so I'm expecting to kind of collapse after I finally do all that.

My aim is to have my apartment like a normal home in time for Christmas, and to take two weeks off. Next year, I'd like to return to my studies part-time, and maybe even try to return to my part-time job, even if it's just a day a month or something like that. I can do those things from home, so I'm hoping that with stable housing, maybe I can return to some kind of normality? I've also been neglecting my volunteering role, and haven't touched my non-profit in forever. I miss working, but I don't miss not coping while trying to hold down a job. We shall see if I can cope. It'll need some careful financial planning. And probably effort needed on my part to avoid taking on too much.

Well, I meant this to be a quick post but here we are again, sorry lol. I hope at least some of this is interesting to someone out there - it's a difficult balance with what to include about my mental health especially, but it'd be hard to share about my life without saying anything about my head.

Night all. ☕🌟

ManekiNeko

So, the assessor came and good news on the boiler front - they can replace it, plus three of my radiators, for free. They'll also install a thermostat (which I don't currently have) and earth the gas meter if they feel it needs it - though it's being replaced soon hopefully (when I get the energy to make a complaint), so I'm not sure if they'll see the new or old one. All that will be covered by the grant, which is amazing. He did explain that sadly in my specific apartment they couldn't help with the insulation, but still, it's just so great to get a new boiler I really can't complain.

While he was inspecting the boiler, I noticed a small droplet of water fall from it. I also noticed a tea towel laid on the shelf under the boiler (it's inside a kitchen cupboard that fits pretty tightly under the base of the boiler). After he'd left I investigated a bit more and the tea towel was soaking wet, and obviously had been for some time, as it had started to go mouldy. Having consulted the interweb on the matter, I made sure it was switched off at the wall and cut down a disposable coffee cup to catch the drips.

After talking with my partner, I tried to switch off the valves on the pipes below the boiler, but the kitchen cupboard made this very hard as I couldn't get my arm fully into the narrow gap, and even with a tool I couldn't get them fully into the off position. So, I drained down my radiator system to reduce the water pressure against some of the valves, dropping it from 1 to 0 psi if my guage is to be believed.

My partner then came round to help me remove the kitchen cupboard from the wall, and with that done, the valves were finally accessible. We took off the plastic on/off valves and manually closed off (with the nut) the mains water inlet pipe using a spanner. This was needed because the valves, which usually turn the nut more easily, appeared to be jamming before being able to move into the fully off position. We also saw that the radiator outlet pipe nut was green and not functioning well - I've forgotten the term my partner used, but essentially, he said it's best to leave it alone as it's damaged enough it could snap off and then we'd have water going everywhere. 😰 We also investigated one last persistent drip coming from the internal mechanism of the boiler, but couldn't work out how to solve that, so instead I put my mop bucket under the boiler (low tech for the win lol). It's a very very slow leak now - it's been 24 hours and the bottom of my bucket isn't even fully covered by water. So basically, I have to hope nothing (else?) crazy happens before the new boiler comes. 😅 I've also taken great pleasure in using my label maker to put labels on all the pipes, a clear description of how to turn off my mains gas lever, and some other key bits of info that came up during our work, like that the boiler is only earthed when the plug is plugged into the socket.

I've been exhausted, so don't be fooled by my sudden burst of activity - I was just afraid it would flood in the night and either destroy stuff I can't afford to replace, or really make for a unique introduction to my downstairs neighbour if I flooded their place. Today I've dragged myself to a few appointments, but didn't get up until 11:30am, and got back into bed at about half past six, if that gives you an idea of my nope levels for the world right now lol.

While I was out I picked up 10 birthday cards for £1 in a card shop, which will save me some cash I think (I've been pondering making cards but this is a good option for now). I also went to Aldi for a little food shop, but felt a bit down and ended up buying myself a couple of scented candles and some press up bars as a pick me up (and tbf because I want to work out and need bars because of my crook wrist). So that's my little bit of money saving and spending for the day.

Despite going to bed, obviously, my peace and quiet couldn't last too long, as I briefly (but intermittently) heard what sounded like domestic abuse in a neighbour's place. It might also explain some screaming I heard earlier today, but thought was coming from outside (couldn't see anything when I went to the window). I could only hear the woman's side of things. I've rung the police on 101 and I'm waiting for a call back to give them the details (I debated 999, still not sure if I've made the right call but there you go. It's hard to know when you can't see what's happening.) The thing is, I think they can only really act if the victim/survivor is willing to cooperate. Judging by my own experiences, I know I never went to the police. I'm thinking of maybe popping over to introduce myself tomorrow though, as I'm a new neighbour I have an easy excuse to go say hello.. maybe I could be of use somehow if I got to know her. Maybe that sounds naive, but honestly, you end up so isolated with an abuser that it really can make a difference to have even one or two people in your life. I know by the time I realised my ex (then my partner) was abusive, I had no one I could turn to locally, and barely anyone at all left in my life. I still don't have many friends, but I'm hoping to start meeting more people once I've settled in.

Anyway, time to go back to hibernating for a little bit. My head is too confusing lately, it's hard to help yourself when you don't know what's wrong (and I've been dissociative, so it's hard to know what's up, as that tends to mean I mostly feel numb/bad/unreal). So, I'm basically resting until I get energy to start cleaning and unpacking. It's so bad at the minute half of my bed is covered by clothes and even some Christmas baubles, so I'm sleeping in one half of my bed only, as tidily as possible so I don't break anything in the night. I wouldn't normally do that, but after what happened last week I'm so triggered and tired, I just don't have anything left to give right now.

ManekiNeko

Also like, it feels wrong to say this, but hearing domestic abuse incidents is triggering. Please understand I'm obviously concerned for the person experiencing it now, just, I can't help but also have memories stirred up too of times when I was in a similar position. 😔🥺

ManekiNeko

Well, my plumbing has been misbehaving. Had the water board out Thursday to find out which of the many stoptaps under the car park were mine. Found out, but water stopped coming out of my kitchen tap. Water inspector said it was probably where we turned the mains off for a bit, perhaps something malfunctioned with my pipework.

My partner came over for the second time this week to help, I bought a whole bunch of tools and parts and we set out to replace the flexi pipes leading to my kitchen tap, predominantly as I've been getting black flecks in my water and the water inspector had said I should install new ones really, as whoever did the last ones probably just got the cheapest instead of WRAS (water regs) approved ones. We could only get one isolating valve, so decided to replace just one of these while we were doing the job.

Discovered tons of the black flecks jammed in the cold water isolating valve, so replaced that one. Couldn't replace the hot water one, and to be fair it looked fine, but we added plumbers tape anyway.

Eventually finished late at night and put the mains water back on, disturbing the neighbours (partly because I wasn't strong enough to help lift the manhole cover, so my partner was doing it alone). Ran the kitchen tap for a minute or two, still getting black flecks. Decided to just grab some drinks from the local garage (only thing open that time of night), then take the water inspector's advice and run the tap for a couple hours the next day. (He was concerned about stagnant water since the property had been vacant for around a year, hence suggesting to flush it through.)

Was fully expecting it to be alright, but even after two hours, the first glass of water I poured was full of black flecks.

There was also a small leak from one tap under the sink, which my DP kindly fixed when he came to pick me up for the weekend. So I can't exactly say I'm taking to plumbing like a duck to water, although I'm definitely learning a lot I'm struggling to do some of the tasks on a physical level.

Anyway, we turned both the hot and cold isolating valves to the off position and I've left both my boiler and kitchen tap with a bucket under them while I'm away this weekend. I think I'll have to call the water board Monday as I functionally don't have drinking water, even though the work we did restored the flow of water to the tap it doesn't seem to have fixed the flecks at all. The thing is, they'll only really help up until the point the mains supply reaches the stoptap in the car park, and my guess is that this isn't a mains issue, because otherwise someone else in the block would also be having issues. So I'm sadly suspecting we might need to remove several kitchen cupboards and one worktop in order to access the mains inlet pipework into my apartment, install a stoptap and hopefully work out how the flecks are getting into my water supply. So it'll be a toss up whether we can identify the issue or not (I need to try and remember to check if I'm getting flecks in my bathroom water supply, because if I'm not, it's almost certainly not a mains issue imo). If we can't find the issue, I've the choice of replacing things randomly hoping one thing fixes the issue, or calling a professional plumber in. That'll probably involve discussion with the freeholder, because the inlet pipework runs through the block first, before it reaches my apartment.

So basically an expensive and tiring week, and I've still got to order more plumbing gear so I'm ready to fit the stoptap.

I haven't been good mentally, the only times I've really gotten out of bed have been when my partner was due over, or to do plumbing work. I'm hoping if I collapse this weekend and do very little, maybe I'll feel better by next week. It's hard to judge because this is all after-effects of feeling trapped and coerced by the housing manager, which has stirred up a ton of past trauma memories. I'm also feeling confused as I still haven't had an assessment for a dissociative disorder, so it's harder for me to find a solution, as I don't know whether this is happening because of depression (a symptom of C-PTSD in my case), because of heavy dissociation, or because a different part of my brain (like an alter) has been more in control.

I also really struggle because my apartment is visually very untidy right now, which drains me of energy (I'm very sensitive to my environment, and I hate clutter and messy places). Normally with a move I'd have a pile of moving boxes to deal with, yes, but they'd be neatly stacked against one wall, and I'd unpack perhaps one or two a day until I was finished. But with temporary accommodation, it's always pretty cramped and I haven't been able to use boxes because of that, so I've got loads of plastic bags of my stuff instead. Sadly that looks a lot more messy, especially as you can't really stack them, so the majority of my floor is covered by them.

Basically I feel overwhelmed about everything right now, and under-equipped to deal with it all (quite possibly because I'm triggered, because that can mean my brain temporarily goes back to the past and functionally isn't an adult brain for a bit, like I've regressed). It feels weird talking about this, my instinct is to hide this stuff from everyone. I even told my volunteering boss this week that sometimes I regress and I said it on a whim, so now I feel really uncomfortable about having said it. To me it feels quite dangerous and risky to talk about with others, like giving them the keys to my head and therefore the power to mess me up if they so choose to. As you can probably tell, I have a lot of fear and distrust of other people because of my traumas.

It also feels very vulnerable to need to borrow money from my DP, especially prior to borrowing, because he could always refuse. I also worry it could affect our relationship, just like it worries me to have borrowed from my DS. And right now I can't afford to get a plumber, nor a removal service, nor locks. At the moment it feels like I'm just spending money hand over fist on my apartment, which makes me very nervous tbh. I can't afford big repair bills right now. I do know there's plenty of work to be done on the place, I was just hoping to save up and do it little by little, rather than in a huge rush. But equally, drinking water is pretty crucial.

My phone repair company also say they can't repair my old phone, which is messing with me deeply (especially with my OCD) as I really need the data on it. I've to call them next week and ask what my options are.

Well, that's been a vent and a half, hasn't it lol. I doubt anyone will read it but it does help a bit to just get things off my chest. I'll be doing my October budget in a week's time so that'll be a more money focused update.

Merlin's_Beard

Oh no, the water issue sounds like a right nightmare to deal with, especially as you have no drinking water at all.  And to have everything happen just after you've moved as well.  At least DP has some skills and can help with the plumbing disasters a bit.

ManekiNeko

Thanks Merlin, yeah it's just typical on the timing front innit 🤨 and yeah he's been brilliant tbf, I'm spending a lot on tools right now but at least the tools will do me for the next couple decades or so. And tbh it's still a ton cheaper than a plumber, no matter how much my tools cost.

On the plus side the water inspector is coming out again tomorrow, so I can ask them to check the mains water is ok and fleck free, as well as report a small leak I spotted from the mains stoptap next to mine (don't much fancy it carrying on, in case it gets into the foundations).

Assuming the black flecks aren't a mains issue, DP and I will therefore be spending Thursday systematically dismantling my flat - not even kidding, 0-3 kitchen cupboards will need to come out, possibly some hallway floorboards up, certainly take end off bath/unbox toilet pipework/take wooden side off under sink cupboard - to follow the pipework right the way through and establish (on Friday) if it's something to do with my pipes, or if the flecks are coming from somewhere in the block before it reaches my apartment. My place is going to be a hot mess because I also need to move the fridge and washing machine into the living room so the boiler people can access my waste pipe. Plus, they're replacing three of my radiators so I can't even hide my stuff-to-unpack mountain away anywhere. 😬

In extremely good news, the boiler fitters called today to say they'll be out Friday, and they've said they'll fit me a stoptap too while they're there (which will enable the above testing). I've had to book the water inspector yet again for the same day, to hopefully knock the mains water off while they do it, but if not as of last week I'm the proud owner of two crowbars, so failing all else I'd reckon they'll be able to get the cover up themselves. I don't want to ask my DP again as I know I'm not currently strong enough to help.

So like ... I'm a bit worried, but by Saturday it's conceivably possible I'll be able to drink a glass of water, heat my home, and take a nice hot bath. Or you know, it could be a disaster zone. 🤯😝 Maybe both, to be fair I doubt I'll want to put everything back together all on one day.

So yeah ... I'm making progress? 🤔