The Mental Debt Struggle...

beanielou

I had not realised that you had a carer role too!

Keedie

Thank you @LittleMissDetermined, it does take a lot of pressure off me. And I've been on a high all day because it feels like there's light at the end of the tunnel.

And yes @beanielou, I'm a carer to my eldest sister who's autistic. We give my mum a break one weekend a month and we each take care of my sister. We've always looked after my sister since we were in our teens and used to sometimes take her out with us and our friends. I remember once when I was at uni in Brighton, I jumped on a coach to London and picked up my sister and we took the train back to Brighton to hang out for the weekend (she can't tolerate the long coach journey), and I did her make up and took her raving and we both got drunk - my mum wasn't too impressed 😂. Over the years, since we've moved out and had kids we've always continued looking after her to give my mum a break. Recently, as part of the reassessment of my sister's care package, there was in increase in the hours and scope of her care, and we found out that having her for the weekend counts as overnight care that we all qualified as her carers. So I use my care income to offset against my debt to my mum and to pay for my bills etc. Back in the pre-pandemic days, I used to use it to pay for holidays. Whenever my sister comes over, we do different stuff that she likes, such as going to the pub for dinner, bowling, cinema, wandering around Ikea, going for long drives, seeing the lights in Central London around Christmas, feeding the ducks in the park, going on a train etc. It's not easy though, my sister is incredibly hard to please, she's a bit of a diva lol.

badmemory

You deal with caring for your sister on top of all your normal "stuff".  I don't know what to say beyond being absolutely gobsmacked at what you achieve.

Keedie

That's really kind of you to say @badmemory, but I don't think I am doing anything spectacular. I like hanging out with my sister, even when she's stressing me out. It's just a bonus that I can claim as a carer as it really helps me financially.

This weekend, the sister just older than me that lives in South London (SLS) is taking her bowling with one the disabled social groups and when they're back, I'll then collect her and take her with me to our sister's in East London (ELS) for the evening, for dinner and a catch up. As she likes the long drive, going over bridges in the car or tunnels and listens to music on her iPad on the way, and she likes to go somewhere different, and then she'll stay over at my house when we get back to South London and we'll play it by ear on Sunday. She's got into the routine of going to the pub, but that's not on the financial agenda right now, so I'll have to make Sunday dinner before we go (SLS) house to help her clear my nephew's room so that she can start painting it in the half term and he's getting new flooring. I won't be doing any lifting and moving things around as that's not my physical forte, but I'll have a good go at dictating where things can be moved to, using my furniture tetris skills 😂. I can put some pollyfiller on the walls to help her prep them but I won't be sanding - too much hard work and I lack the elbow grease 😁.

Mliz

Morning Keedie - I just wanted to say you are an inspiration - ok back to my lurking 😊

Keedie

Hey @Mliz, that's very kind of you to say, so thank you. I don't really think that I am, but I'm humbled that you think that. No need to lurk, say hi whenever you want 😊. Good to see you over on the Payment a Day thread as well. It's a great group of people, and will make a difference to how you manage your debt journey. 

I'm getting ready to go to a funeral, and I've been up since after 4am as I couldn't sleep properly so I'm a bit anxious and sad. My friend was only 26 and I've known him since he did his school work experience in my team, back in my management days. It's going to be a tough day, especially for his family 😢.

AntoMac

Thinking of you this afternoon Keedie,
Funerals can be very difficult, especially for one so young 
It is at least a chance to pay respects and celebrate his short life. 

You are very likely to be drained emotionally later on as well as physically.
It serves as a reminder that none of us knows how long we have, and to live each day we are blessed with in the best way we can.
Crash out and rest as soon as you are able x

Sun_Addict

How sad about the friend, far too young. Someone I worked with passed away suddenly at 29 a few years ago. It was so sad. I remember him saying to me on the Monday roll on Friday, he only made it to Wednesday. I still think of him every time I think or say roll on Friday. Puts things into perspective. 

You are indeed inspirational. 

LittleMissDetermined

Very sorry about your friend Keedie, I hope it was a beautiful and fitting service.  I am always a mess at funerals, ever since my mum passed away. I can't seem to keep my emotions in check.  Sending you lots of love on a difficult day. 

I also agree you're an inspiration Keedie! 
LMD x

Keedie

Thank you for your kind words and support @AntoMac, @Sun_Addict and @LittleMissDetermined, it really means a lot to me. It is very hard losing someone and funerals or sometimes, just everyday life events just brings it all back doesn't it? And 29 is very young Sun Addict. Some of my friends didn't go yesterday as they find funerals too hard, so I understand the hesitance AntoMac and LMD.

The ceremony was lovely and the crematorium was PACKED, with people standing and squashing into the room to honour him and it was so good to see how many people's lives he touched and what a great person he was. I used to work with him and his dad, and lots of our former colleagues were there and we all managed to have a catch up with each other and his dad and offer him and his family support. He was way too young to die suddenly, with no identifiable cause, and he had everything ahead of him and he'd recently just had a massive achievement as he'd brought his first house in July. I'm really sad, but I'm glad that I was able to know him and have a laugh with him over the years, he was like a cheeky little brother to me.

It's very difficult going to funerals, and that's the third one in just over a year as two of my elderly neighbours died recently, so it is hard. I always think of my dad at funerals and it's very overwhelming, especially as he died at the beginning of the pandemic and we weren't allowed to have a proper funeral for him. We had a restriction of 10 people and there were 9 adults (including my mum, siblings and their partners) and 10 grandchildren, so 19 of us in total. But as the funeral was held at the graveside, we all just defied the rules and all 19 of us attended and I don't regret it at all. We have a video of each grandchild in age order placing a flower on his grave and we used that video as part of the footage for a tribute video on his first anniversary. The grave keeper (groundsman??) was very respectful and allowed us to have that very short ceremony with all of us, and he was even eavesdropping on the eulogy 😁 and allowed us to play some music as I brought my bluetooth speaker and made a playlist. It was surreal, but I'm glad that we did it our way, as I would have been furious and full of regret if any of the children missed a chance to say goodbye as due to covid restrictions they weren't allowed to see him in the hospital or hospice. Besides, one of us would have had to miss our dad's funeral to stay with the kids as we couldn't interact with other people at that time. And that I couldn't live with.

I was a bit startled yesterday though, as I was dropping some of my friends and old colleagues back from the funeral, and Google maps took a short cut to my friend's car and it took me past the hospice where my dad died and I just felt an intense wave of sadness. Everyone in the car was laughing and talking about cakes and when we used to have a regular Come Dine With Me bring a dish lunches at work, and I just couldn't speak, or tell them what that building meant to me. I'd just come from a funeral that reflected the essence of what it is like to be cherished and remembered with well over a 100 people coming together, and I was driving past a hospice where we were allowed to see him on the day that he was dying one at a time for a few minutes to give each other that last moment, but not knowing if in doing so, we would miss his last moments. In the end the nurses allowed me and my siblings to all gather at his bedside behind the closed curtain in those final hours and for that I will be forever grateful.

When I got back yesterday, my son had actually done some of the work I set for him which was nice and then I had a lie down so that I could decompress. We then went out last night to a new high end shopping centre and apartment complex called Battersea Power Station that has opened by the River Thames and had a nice time walking around and window shopping and walking along the Thames and watching the Uber Eats boats. I was using my stick and trying to pretend I wasn't in pain and exhausted, as I was so grateful for the time that we were spending together, especially as he's a teenager and wanting to hang out with his mum on a Friday night! The shopping centre is in a disused power station that they converted into retail units and built million pound apartments surrounding it and restaurants and they even extended the Northern Line on the tube. Architecturally, it was beautiful and I struggle to reconcile that ugly power station building from my childhood 😂.

It was nice after such a heavy day, to spend some quality time with my son and walk into shops looking at rolexes and hand bags and day dreaming of an alternative life. But then we went to McDonald's drive through as a treat and I was reminded that I have no money as I was picking menu items based on price not hunger, so that he could try a large McCrispy meal as that's some latest issue burger apparently. But it was a nice end to a very difficult day.