The Mental Debt Struggle...

Keedie

I've had two PADs today, one for £4.55 as I had some £2 coins and change that went into the sealed pot challenge andI'm so excited to open it next week Thursday.

Then I've got £133 going to the Bank of Mum 2 for our family holiday to Butlins for New Year's. That's now got £150 left, so since the debt restart at the beginning of August 2022, I've paid 50% of this debt off. This will be the next creditor to bite the dust. I can't wait to cross that one off, then I'll only have the school fees left to pay to my mum.

As I had that refund from the online school, it has reduced my debt free date from December 2025 to June 2025, but I'm not changing my debt free date for now, as I know that I will need to have another balance and money transfer late next year to handle that mammoth Barclaycard balance.

cinnamon123

Sending you some {{{hugs}}} and hoping you are doing better today (both emotionally and physically)

AntoMac

Your repayments are still going very well Keedie. I think it’s sensible not to bring your DFD back just yet. No point putting extra pressure on yourself.
Seeing Battersea Power Station as it is now is definitely on my list next time I visit London. I recall it being out of use for years when I was a regular visitor to the area.
Losing your Dad is still probably a bit raw for you, certainly not helped by being unable to have a proper funeral. There’s no right way to grieve of course but my Dad has been gone long enough for me to only be happy when I think of him, rather than sad. My Mum and I talk about him regularly which I find really helps. Hopefully you are able to speak with family members about your Dad too, if that helps.

Humdinger1

@Keedie you are...utterly inspirational and you don't even see it.   We are all so full of admiration.   Thank you for sharing your journey; it's a huge privilege to read about it love Humdinger xx 

Keedie

Thank you very much @cinnamon123. Today has been quite draining to be honest, as I had a long heart to heart with my mum, brother and South London Sister (SLS) about my son's attitude and how it makes me feel and how worn down I am. They were giving me some good advice, though at first I felt a bit attacked by it all, as I felt like my mum and SLS were criticising me a lot and I started crying.

My brother had to tell them to calm down with their questions as it was coming across as more of an interrogation and he could see that I was broken and dejected. Once I felt less defensive and browbeaten, things were more reassuring and the difference in approach made me feel like I could be honest about how lonely and overwhelmed I feel. My mum has agreed that he can stay with her a couple of nights a week to give me a break and so I can go to work and just switch off a bit when I come home. We'd tried to do that before, but he wore me down with his moaning and pressuring me to come back home that I just caved for peace. But I am not mentally well at the moment, and he needs to learn to be more grateful and be mindful of his tone. He's not done anything specific today, or even yesterday, but I am just burnt out. But it's a build up of constant low level disrespect and whinging and I'm too mentally fragile to keep pushing back. So I need some consistent downtime to get myself together. I can then go back to being the parent that I know I can be.

So he'll be going there Monday evenings after his football training that I take him to, and he will come back on Thursday lunchtime, after college as he finishes half day. My mum said if I give her a timetable she'll make sure that he's studying and I can give her a checklist for his revision and she'll make sure he's doing it. Knowing his studies will be taken care of and I can rebuild myself have the energy to concentrate on other bits to help him with his revision, keep on top of my flat and get into a better routine with food etc. Having the opportunity to reduce some of the burden and responsibility on an ongoing basis is already making me feel better. 

Yes grief is a funny thing isn't it @AntoMac, and it comes in waves I've realised and it is definitely still quite raw. Not having a proper funeral was very hard, as I know that many people around the world have experienced that as well. I do speak to my family about my dad quite often and we are sometimes able to have a laugh about things and have fond memories. But I think going to funerals just reopens the wound, and I have really missed him in the last few months when everything has been falling apart with my son being excluded, his mental health and behaviour, the deterioration of my mental health and struggles and I just wish I could talk to him and ask his opinion or seek his comforting silence. It has only been 2 years and they've been tough years globally and personally so I think that makes it harder. But in time it will get easier.

But yes AntoMac, you definitely need to go to Battersea Power Station, it was a manky eyesore before when it was shut down, but now it's breathtaking! You should take the Uber Boat from the pier at the back of the Power Station and cruise along towards Greenwich and take the cable car that will make a good day/night trip https://tfl.gov.uk/modes/london-cable-car/. 

You're so sweet @Humdinger1, that is really kind of you to say. I find having a diary is very cathartic for me, and it's nice to have people to talk to and to have that support. So you all really help and inspire me too, but it's touching to know that my random ramblings are useful 😁.

AntoMac

Thanks for the info Keedie. The cable cars would terrify me though as I have a fear of heights!!! Although it was a manky eyesore for so long it was also very iconic. Can’t wait to see it in all its updated glory. Only ever saw it from the train as I had a girlfriend in SW17 many years ago, but was always fascinated by it.
The family meeting sounds like a real success, even if it was rather fraught at times! Having time apart from your son will be good for you both. I totally get what you mean about missing the wisdom of your father, and of course just the comfort of him being around. 

Keep going. You are doing brilliantly. 

Keedie

Oops @AntoMac! Well the Uber Boats are very good if the cable car heights are too much for you. I'm not the greatest fan of water, but cruising along the Thames is really nice (just don't look at the dirty water 😂). The Battersea Power Station is iconic and I remember it just being there and rather ugly but a comforting backdrop to my teenage years running around with my friends that lived near there. But now, it's just amazing and you can see the original industrial mechanisms built into the ceilings and there's lots of polished concrete and exposed bricks. Even the new tube station is modern and snazzy.

I do feel a lot better after the family meeting, even though I walked away feeling utterly drained. I need to sit down and have a conversation with my son after dinner, so that he doesn't feel like I'm rejecting him, but he does need to know that things have to change. For both of us. We both have things to work on, and the distance will give us a chance to be our own people as the last few months have been fairly suffocating to be honest. I've found a more straight forward route for him to get to his college from my mum's house, which will not be too much longer than from our house, so hopefully that will reduce the teenage moaning about that side of things. He loves being at home and in his room, but the tension at times is too much. I have to be mindful of his mental health as he is a bit fragile, but I can't help him if I can't help myself first - you know that all, you cant pour from an empty cup philosophy.

I want to feel whole again, instead of always feeling so broken. I'm going to use that time to kickstart my kintsugi mental health recovery. Like that Japanese method of repairing broken items with gold so that they're more beautiful in their shattered state. I need to start making a daily effort to gather my gold reserves so that I can start reshaping a better future for the both of us.

Keedie

I've been tweaking the budget, and playing around with the different categories in advance of being paid tomorrow. I'm still excited by my bonus and I've worked out the best way to deal with that extra £400. I've used the total increased salary and my upcoming universal credit, to cover the rest of the bills and debt repayments for October 2022, and the whole of November 2022 including subscriptions.

I have also worked out the variable sinking funds to pay for things like vehicle maintenance, travel costs, food shopping and birthdays, and these payments will come out of a Monzo pot on a monthly or weekly basis depending on what the payment/fund is for. The fixed sinking funds for things like Christmas, holidays and longer term savings, will come from the surplus at the end of each month, in that priority order. 

I've decided to use the money from my freelance role to top up the exam fees pot as I originally intended, as by using the increased wage and universal credit to cover all of my expenses until the end of November 2022, it means that I am more free with that freelance income. So I will sort out the fees and pay it before I go to Brighton next month, and then whatever is left from my freelancing, will be my spending money plus whatever is in my sealed pot challenge (up to my maximum budget for my trip). If there's anything left of the freelance income, I'll split it in half and some will go towards Christmas and the rest towards the PAD pot. 

From December 2022 onward, I will add my employed wages and universal credit together with a top up of my freelance wages to fit into my new budget, and by then, my direct debits for my bills should be moved between 2nd to the 20th of the month, and the pro-rata charges from November will have passed. This amalgamated income will form my baseline budget, and anything in excess of this will remain in my business account go towards rebuilding my tax fund as that's a little depleted with everything that has been going on financially in recent months.

Once I've built up my tax fund to £1,000, I'll have a jump start on the 2022/23 tax return and I can then do my self assessment in May 2023 and then see what else needs to be paid and budget accordingly. I realised that I made no provisions for my tax bill due in January 2024, as I was so focussed on my credit cards and when the 0% interest runs out, but I didn't think about the fact that HMRC doesn't deal with balance transfers lol. And I don't want to be in a position where I can't pay my tax bill on time and get penalised or I have to rely on credit. So I have set the tax rule on my Monzo business account to automatically put 20% of what I earn into a tax pot, as I ended up spending the refund I got from my last tax return, so there's only £52.62/£1,000 in that pot.

Next tax year, I won't be freelancing much at all, and it means that I can just set aside a percentage of what I do earn and see where that leaves me with the remaining amount that will be due in January 2024. As from February 2024 and April 2024, both of my 0% interest Barclaycard plans will end. So I need to make sure that by this time next year, I'm able to pay off my tax bill and then focus on getting a suitable balance/money transfer for the Barclaycard balance. By October 2023, I should have cleared MBNA and Creation Finance, so if I can get on top of the tax bill by then, I'll be able to focus on how to sort out Barclaycard. I'm hoping that by thinking of and planning for these things without stressing or obsessing over it, it will reduce my anxieties. I think the key is definitely having a set income target each month and working with the surplus from there.

I've also made a PAD of £60 to the exam fees pot, so I'll sort out the balance once my October 2022 invoice has been paid. I feel better since I have a better plan and I've got all my expenses for November covered.

Keedie

My direct debit for Sky Mobile at £32.87 was paid so that's coming down via my mobile phone bill. As I have changed the billing/payment date from 22nd of the month to the 2nd of the month, I will have pro-rata charges so next month's bill will be higher and I had a look on the Sky app and it's gone up from £52.16 to £73.89 for a one off pro-rata increase. I didn't really think that through when I was requesting all these changes 🤦🏾‍♀️. But at least with the pro-rata changes for the mobile phones will increase to £49.62 as a one off, so the plus side is that the debt comes down a little quicker I guess 😁.

Keedie

Received a flurry of transfers from my siblings towards their debt to me and I've paid this straight onto MBNA, so £72 sent over and that's reduced my balance to £2,723 so things are looking better 🤗. Especially as I still have my PAD pot to pay on 31 October with whatever I have managed to accumulate in there.