The Mental Debt Struggle...

Keedie

Hey everyone, thanks for such great advice and insights it has really helped to read everyone's opinions. The last few days have been very hectic at work and doing the payroll for my main freelance client so I've barely had time to breathe let alone sit down to gather my thoughts and write anything.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do and why and when I met with my manager on Tuesday I was honest about my observations and the issues that there is in our sub-team and our wider service team and explained that my biggest concern about making a change in role, is that there is no one to take over my role and it would take time to backfill my role. I'm left doing virtually all of the payroll queries and the complicated and escalated queries and my manager has benefitted from me being there and she's found it a struggle. @LittleMissDetermined, she's leaving as there are too many politics and I think she's had enough, also, I've stopped doing a lot of stuff outside my pay grade and that means more has fallen to her. When we met she said that the Assistant Director was happy to meet with me to discuss the role, so I contact him yesterday and he said he was more than happy to make time for me, so we're meeting at 12pm on Tuesday on a face to meeting as we'll both be in the office that day. 

I've decided that I don't want to do this job permanently and even 18 months is too long for me to consider and you're right @cinnamon123, the money was a big motivating factor, but ultimately not enough. You're right @AntoMac it is a 'nice problem to have', and it has boosted my confidence to know that I can get another job, but the reality is that when this role was created my previous Head of Service begged me to apply and I refused as I didn't want the stress or to manage anyone. That hasn't changed and my life is more complicated now than it was then in 2019 when the role was first created. But I also want to have a manager that does their job and takes accountability and develops the team and the direction that we're going in. I have a lot of ideas on what needs to be done and having the power to influence that temporarily will make all the difference to things in the long term. I had come to the same conclusion as @satchmo1, in that undertaking the role on a temporary basis is the best solution, as it gives me the recent management experience on my CV, it's a boost in income that I can use to pay down debts,  and I can do the analysis of service improvements required and actually implement some of them without the responsibility to see everything through long term.

The biggest barrier to me being able to even do it as an interim role whilst they recruit is that the resourcing, job levels and duties in my sub-team is inadequately proportioned and it's a hot mess and there's no team morale. I can fix that, but they need to temporarily increase everyone else's duties and pay for me to do the interim role. I calculated that if they put everyone to the top of their salary band, using my salary from my vacant role and the remainder of the management role as I wouldn't do it full time, then everyone is compensated for taking on additional work whilst we're in a transition phase. The new manager starts with an actual functioning team to manage and the standards and expectations are set from the outset. I don't know if they will go for it, but it seems like a no brainer to me. They'll still save money, they'll get more out of the current team without exploiting anyone and they'll get a long term manager who actually wants to be there. 

I'd have to temporarily increase my working hours to do the transition if my proposal is accepted, and I'll go from 3 to 4 days, but no more as that would be too much. If they don't agree to me doing the interim role, then I'll still increase my working hours but at a later date, as trying to squeeze my work into 3 days isn't working and when my manager goes, my workload will be higher by default. But I would only do what I am hired to do in that extra time, and not any more work at a higher level. I have to be mindful of burnout, as staying physically and mentally well is much more valuable than money. If the role is available as an interim measure, then I could do it until the end of March, so for 3 months as she leaves at the start of January, or end of April at 4 months at the maximum.

From April I really need to help my son with his GCSEs and after all I've invested in his education I can't take my eye off the ball to earn more, and have more stress. When what really matters is creating a better life for both us and him having GCSEs and me being on top of my finances is a good start. But I have a repayment plan that could be work better if I increased my working hours once I've wrapped up the freelancing, but I've realised that I don't have to be in a high stress job with lots of responsibility to clear my debts. The timeframe isn't that important as long as I can keep my debt at 0% interest free. But being of sound mind and body to complete the debt free journey is crucial.

Keedie

I opened my sealed pot challenge today and I had £203.94 in the tin!

I was so excited and my son helped me to count it just after midnight as it's declaration day today. I was hoping for £70, so I was pleasantly surprised and very touched when he told me that he really admires the way that I handle my finances and even though he sometimes laughs at my cheap ways, he can see what it can do. As I had £128 in £2 coins alone!

So I definitely have some good spending money towards my Brighton trip. I will be able to buy some new trainers and I have a £50 M&S voucher from my birthday last year, and I'll use that to get some more clothes as my drawers have more space than clothing lol.

Keedie

I just found out that my employer is giving staff some money in their November pay for the cost of living crisis. I'm so excited, it's £1,000 for those of us that earn under £37k pa and it's pro-rata for part time staff and as I work 21/35 hours a week, I'll get £600 as I work 60% of the full time equivalent. That will cover my shortfall for Christmas present and Christmas food shopping and pay for a new car battery and so that's a relief. It's so nice when companies can do this for their staff. I'm very fortunate, as I know that not everyone will get this opportunity so I shall spend it wisely.

LittleMissDetermined

Fab news Keedie!

cinnamon123

Agree excellent news! And your decision on the promotion sounds good. If they don't take on your reasonable solution, then that speaks loads about the senior management and the sooner you are able to leave the better. Keeping your health as a focus is key!

Keedie

I hope they do listen to my solution @cinnamon123, as I do think it's reasonable. They're keen to recruit internally and that puts a lot of pressure on me to do it, but I reckon it serves them more than it serves me. As I don't think my mental health especially would cope with too much pressure or stress. I often feel at breaking point as it is.

AntoMac

What a really sensible and reasoned case you have put forward to your employer @Keedie
You really are very wise and thoughtful, although of course you will likely say that you aren’t! You very much remind me of a lady at my work who just doesn’t see how capable she is.
That’s a lovely unexpected surprise with your Sealed Pot total - Way more than you thought. With the very welcome cost of living payment to come as well you really have had some good financial news come your way recently. Maybe the extra money coming your way recently will help you make your decision re the job.  There does seem to be quite a good case for the status quo from what you’ve said but of course you will know best what to do when you’ve weighed everything up. 

Keedie

Yes I'm very happy about my pot total @AntoMac, it was nearly 3 times what I was hoping for 🤗. Things are definitely looking up financially, it'll make such a difference having that cost of living payment.

I don't think I'm very wise, but the idea seemed logical to me, but I don't know if they will go for it. As I guess it kind of requires them to acknowledge that the lower level tier in our service are overworked and underpaid for what they're expected to do, and that they keep recruiting to this level, but they are not equipping them with the skillset to deal with the complex queries, as they know that it is outside of the remit of their role. So they're unhappy and morale is low. And the work is monotonous but we don't have enough staff, so it's boring but stressful which is a bad combination. And our manager doesn't inspire us. She literally says, "I'm not hurting my head over this" when we try to ask her for help or to escalate something to her. So it's not the best work environment. And I don't want more stress.

For my main finance job, I had a discussion with the CEO this evening and he's finally acknowledged that I need to properly step back and has agreed to go with the HR consultancy that I found. So I will be busy in the following months working on the transition from the current HR system migrating to this new consultancy and the HR system that they use, so that will keep me financially afloat with extra hours to work on that project before I can step back.

So knowing that, makes me even less inclined to try and do anything notable in my employed job, so if they want to pursue my proposal, I'm okay to continue doing what I'm doing and then when my HR consultancy duties wrap up, I'll increase my hours at the employed role. It's still costed at full time, so I am allowed to change my hours whenever I want to and there is no financial approval process required. So that's a positive to having a different approach to my debt free plan without taking on too many burdens.

Keedie

Quite a spendy day today, not all of it planned but a good day nonetheless. To mark the end of the half term, I took the teenagers (my son and 3 nephews) electric go karting in one of the shopping centres (me and my siblings paid for own kids) and then I took them to Battersea Power Station and treated them each to an overpriced drink from Pret or Starbucks (I gave them the choice). They had a really good afternoon and it was nice to see them bonding again as they'd kind of grown apart in recent years. 

I managed to have some time to myself as well because I sent them on their way to wonder around the BPS and they went to the shops and to see the Uber Boats and I popped into Uniqlo and got some heat tech socks and heat tech gloves using my PIP money. I was so proud to have spent some money on myself, and brought something that will help to ease my daily pain and discomfort. My feet are nice and toasty in some fleecy room socks 🤗. My feet are always sore and painful and I have received my referral from the GP for the podiatrist as I'm meant to get some special insoles fitted as that will hopefully cut down on the pain that I get in my feet, ankles, knees, hips and lower back every time I walk. I'm enjoying the socks even if they were a whopping £12.90 for two pairs!

I did too much walking with my stick so I'm on bed rest for the night, and it's looking like take away fish and chips as I can't stand or move properly. I hope you all have a good evening. xx

Crazycatlady2

Hi read some of your diary. Wanted to say that raising teens is a nightmare….I’ve 3 🤷‍♀️

eldest is 17, he did GCSEs during Covid a year at college doing construction now a teaching assistant apprenticeship at his old school 
DD is 15 and in same year as your son so looking at GCSES next year and thinking about what’s next
youngest is 13 with special needs and won’t do GCSEs but physically and mentally he’s the hardest one tbh

hope you don’t mind me saying but you seem to be doing really well even though you don’t feel like it. Just keep swimming as I tell myself on the hardest days xx