The Mental Debt Struggle...

Keedie

Yes, the increase in my pay due to the tax refund was very much appreciated and helped me to reach the target amount for June 2026's budget. I am giving notice today for the agency role, two weeks instead of one, and as I am paid a week in arrears, that will give my an income until Thursday 25 June, as that is when the last of my pay will come through. I emailed the agency this morning to advise them that due to ill health I am leaving early and will be giving notice, and asked what happens to my accrued annual leave balance. So just waiting to hear back from them.

Because I was not mentally well enough to work for a month, I had no income, so I got the full universal credit on 1 June. That has helped budget wise and taken the pressure of me in that sense. I think I'll save any money above my monthly £2,000 budget, and then once I know whether or not my PIP has continued, I can then make a decision about tackling the debt. If the PIP is not renewed, then I will need to extra amount to supplement my budget in the coming months. If my PIP award does continue, then I will build my emergency fund back up and then aggressively tackle the debt.

Although I'm a bit scared that the debt may increase as yesterday my washing machine sounded like a helicopter taking off and there was a weird burning smell in the kitchen 😬🤦🏾‍♀️. I'm not sure what has happened to it, but it's not looking good. My son turned it off and we were able to get it open without flooding the kitchen. But it means that the towels and the weighted blanket that was in there are not clean and I'm too scared to put the machine back on. I need to find someone to come and have a look at it and let me know the mechanical and financial prognosis. Sometimes when household tasks got on top of me, either through a severe bipolar depressive episode or a bad fibromyalgia flare up, I just can't function or adult properly. And so my mum would wash our clothes to help me get back on track. My son would load take everything downstairs and load the car and I'd drive it to my mum's and she would help me unload it. Then I would pick them up and she would help me load the car up and then my son would bring them up the stairs. But with no car, that's a bit more difficult, unless I take an uber… 🤔.

You're all very kind about the facilitating and the faith my abilities 😁. I have been getting very positive feedback from the group so I know that I am not doing an awful job. But is terrifying as you never know who will turn up, what mood state people will be in, how to manage the structure of the group and the dynamic of personalities and topics that people raise, and how to make sure that new people find it useful enough to return. A couple of other people have put themselves forward, and are in training, so they will also facilitate with me. It's just that until they are ready, if I am unavailable, the group cannot go ahead, as it requires two people. So that is a lot of pressure. At present, it is me and a lady from the charity. If I am not feeling very well or struggling, I do say and everyone seems to be okay with that.

Last month, I was very frazzled as my son had his accident that day and my eleven year old nephew had sliced his finger in the blender. So I was trying to sort out my nephew, coordinate the recovery/tow of my son's moped (and him) and get ready to run the group. It all worked out in the end, and my friend helped me with the structural bits that my mind went blank on. So the group is understanding and they know I am new to it all, and they are very patient with me. But the fear of the responsibility is all mine.

liselle

Apologies if you already do this, but is it a good idea to give members of the group a time limit on how long they speak for?

Keedie

Hi @liselle, the group follows a format (the charity's not mine) of everyone checking in and saying how they're doing and what they want to raise as a topic after the break. Then during the break I group the discussion topics and lead the discussion. I move people on if they're talking too much and remind everyone at the outset to be mindful of time and others when speaking. I don't usually have to shut people down, so in that respect it works itself out. But as the group size can vary from say 18 to 30 odd people, if the group is larger, then I suggest a time limit of a couple of minutes each in the initial part. But I think being more upfront about the timings at the start of the session will help to reduce my anxiety about knowing when to move people on.

I'm slowly getting more confident with the flow of things, but inside I'm sh*tting myself with nerves, as everyone seems to be looking to me as some expert, and in all honesty I feel ill equipped for that level of prestige and associated expectations.

The agency came back to me and they have confirmed that they have set my P45 to be issued to me on 25 June along with my final salary and I will be paid for any leave that I have not taken. So on the financial front that is very good news. On my lunch break, I got Copilot AI to draft my resignation letter to my Head of Service, and I will send that tomorrow morning and leave by 19 June 2026. I feel more free now that I have a plan that I can work to.

liselle

You sound very well-prepared Keedie,and as you say, you’re not claiming to be an expert, you’re going through the same range of feelings as everyone else, and if people know this, they won’t expect you to have all the answers.Great that you’re doing what you’re doing.

Keedie

That's very kind of you to say @liselle, thank you.

liselle

Well I volunteer with a man who is Bi-polar, he’s a lovely guy but if he’s having a very talkative day he’ll apologise and say to us, ‘just rein me in.’ So we just say quietly, ‘rain check.’ It works, with no fuss and no offence.

Cherryfudge

In my experience, a lot of people assume the person 'up front' knows all about how to lead, but actually the leader's character is more important than the head knowledge. If you are approachable, can keep people reasonably to topic, can keep an eye on the time, etc, the group aren't going to quiz you on whether you took a course in leadership. I suspect you are much better at it than you realise, but the nerves will actually give you an edge and make you more alert while you gain the experience that will eventually help you settle into the role.

By the way, I'm so glad you mentioned Copilot - I'm drafting some sample questions for a situation and my mind was only coming up with 'I need more coffee to do this task', so at your prompt, I put the scenario into the computer and now have five sample scenarios complete with additional ideas of how to nudge the discussion forward. Phew!

AntoMac

Spot on @Cherryfudge - and Keedie very much has all those skills.

As for Copilot you’ll have to call me a fuddy daddy though I’m afraid. I know the problem is me but I find it dehumanising

Keedie

The support group meeting went well. I was a bit distracted as I was so tired. I didn't fall asleep until 6.30am on Friday morning and I was up a few hours later. So I found myself dissociating at times. But I got through it.

I've been in a flare up as the last week or two I've barely slept more than 2-5 hours a night and the weekend was so busy that I just crashed. So I've been on bed rest for the last couple of days. But it's getting a bit better.

Anyways, on the work front, it's still overwhelming, but I finish next week and I feel lighter as a result of the upcoming departure. And I finally have my client care fees contribution rate, and for some inexplicable reason (that I am not complaining about), it has reduced from last year. So that's a nice boost to my budget. Not my much, but enough that it helps.

I've been trying to figure out my post employment budget, whilst being cautiously optimistic that my PIP will be renewed, and at either the same (which is a financial life saver) or a higher rate (which would be greater financial security). I need to figure out the debt situation and repayments to my mum. I don't want to risk dipping into my Natwest Digital Saver as the rate is so good, and once I touch it, it'll all be gone, and that is all I have left. So I think I'll have to do some freelancing, which is always my unwilling safety net. It'll help me to use the surplus income to dig myself out of this hole.

beanielou

Positive thoughts for the PIP.