The Mental Debt Struggle...

Cherryfudge

It does all sound beautifully thought through - so cover all eventualities and just enjoy yourselves! I must admit the Philippines would be a great place to go.

I can feel you are much more relaxed without the car to think about, and that's a nifty trolley. I'm sure it will be helpful - though watch out for Silver hiding inside it!

Keedie

It's okay @AntoMac, the trolley appealed to my middle aged self as well, and it's definitely a lovely bit of kit 🤗.

I'm looking forward to going to the Philippines, but it will definitely require a lot of planning @Cherryfudge. And yes, I'm feeling a lot lighter since the car has gone. I have to think about more about how I will get around, but the transport in London is fantastic. I just have to plan my energy reserves and figure out how to do the least amount of walking as possible.

My nephew has a football match on Wednesday evening, so the whole family is going to that as it's the final. And I had to go on the tfl journey planner and figure out which route had the shortest walk from one of 3 train stations. But I like public transport as I get to read, play games or do the paint by numbers thing on my iPad with Apple pencil. Good times 😎.

Keedie

It's been a whirlwind of a few days! Very busy and draining emotionally, but good all the same.

On Tuesday 21 April it was the 6th anniversary of my dad's passing and also my mum's birthday (yes he died on her birthday 🥺). So my sister in East London came down and we went to the cemetery with my mum and my eldest sister. I still don't know if my oldest sister fully understands what has happened (she's autistic with limited speech and cognition). She's got into the routine of going to the grave, and there is now a headstone with my dad's picture on it. But she always looks so overwhelmed and somewhat confused. She knows "daddy is no more" and "in the ground", but I'm not sure what she understands. Because she also seems confused my brother not being around as he's in the Phillipines.

We went to the pub after the cemetery for a quick lunch for my mum's birthday and it really is emotional whiplash trying to shut down grief and then celebrate my mum's life and birthday all within the span of an hour. But I muddled along, and my son invited himself for a free meal and raced across from East London where he had a PAT job. So that cheap Wetherspoons ended up costing me more than I budgeted for 😬.

I also interviewed two candidates as a potential new personal assistant and one of them I really liked and she is coming over tomorrow for us to get to know each more and see if we want to work together or not. The other candidate was perfect based on her CV and approach, but she wasn't available in the morning at the beginning of the week as she works at a care home Monday to Wednesday. She asked if I would consider an afternoon or a Saturday or Sunday. I was quite of my (non people pleasing) response, and confirmed via the disability service that I need someone available in the mornings.

I found myself over accommodating my old carer and look how she ran off. I also finally found out what she had said about me from the disability service who are helping me to get another personal assistant. Apparently the old carer said that her contract was for 4 hours a week but she only was allowed to work 3 hours and got paid for 3 hours and this was unfair. Ironically, she did work 3-4 hours most weeks as she kept changing the time that she was available and always had some excuse or issue. But I actually paid her the full 4 hours as I know that her financial situation was not very good. More fool me.

I've contacted my social worker to get the financial assessment for this current tax year so that I know what my client contribution is for the direct payments account. I think I owe some money from the last PA so I'll need to hear from them regarding that.

And the best bit of the last couple of days is that my nephew's team won the U18s Premier League final last night 🎉🎉🥳!!! I didn't understand half of what I was watching and I was freezing cold in the stands and all stiff from sitting on a plastic flip up chair, but it was so so worth it. He played so well and I had a real surreal and proud aunty moment when I watched him interacting with the fans, signing autographs and posing for selfies after the match. It was such a great feeling. We've got a family meal this Saturday to celebrate, so I'll be using the car sale money to pay for that. So exciting 🤗.

daisy_1571

I know you've said before about your mums birthday so apologies if I've already suggested it before but couldn't you make your mums birthday all about her and celebrate your dad's life on his birthday rather than the day he died? I'm sure she will still think of him on her birthday (as she probably does each day) but it would maybe be nice to remember the pleasant days now rather than the sadder days?

Just a thought

Dxx

liselle

That sounds like a good idea.

I find it very confusing when a funeral is also a ‘celebration of life.’ If you feel upset you don’t really get the celebration part.

Much better to have a straightforward funeral, then a memorial event.

Keedie

I do understand what you mean @daisy_1571 and there is no problem with your suggestion. It does really make logical sense. My mum chooses to go to the cemetery and I think it actually really helps her. My siblings like it too. I mainly just follow their lead. I wouldn't mind going there on my dad's anniversary, but I'd rather go on my own. But as we then celebrate my mum's birthday, we end up going together.

I get how it's strange from the outside looking in. I think the emotional whiplash is more my own issue, as I don't feel very connected to everything when I go to the cemetery and we were there for all of 30 minutes. My mum talks to him as do my siblings (something I don't do myself as it's rather awkward - I just talk to him in my head). There is a disconnect between the two events and there's a disconnect between me and my family when we go to the cemetery. So the emotional yo yo is more the fact that I'm taking part in something sad, then something happy, and with my bipolar I can't regulate emotional changes like that very easily or quickly. Hence the emotional whiplash.

I don't grieve my dad as such when it's his anniversary and it's not a sad time to remember him and leave flowers etc. I'm actually quite at peace with everything although I do really really miss him. But the others are a bit sad and that makes me feel awkward because there's a disconnect that I can't admit to them. It's just more draining as I don't always relate to or understand how everyone else is feeling. And trying to navigate that makes me anxious and my mood is a bit fuzzy. So I end up feeling more guilty than anything and that puts me on edge. And there is grief in the air, and it is hard to see them struggle. But I privately deal with all of that before I meet everyone on the day. So yeah it's sad in the sense that we've gone to a cemetery. But it's not actually tense or heartbreaking (for me at least), as we actually have a laugh and remember good times. We say a quick prayer, place the flowers and then off we go. I probably sound really callous, but I do really love my dad. I just have my own way of dealing with things.

My parents divorced in 1999/2000. But they remained friends and my dad moved back into my mum's house for his last year and she took care of him. And when he was alive, we did most things as a family including both parents, like family dinners, Mother's Day, Father's Day, birthday meals, Christmas, family holidays etc. And so seeing my dad on the anniversary/birthday is a way for him to be included in some sense. In the same way that Father's Day tends to fall on/around one of my nephew's birthday and we go to the cemetery and then off to celebrate his birthday. I'm used to it. The anniversary/birthday is a bit different, as the day is more significant. Next year we'll be away and it's my mum's 75th so we won't do anything. We don't all go, it just depends on who is around etc.

I don't mind celebration of life funerals @liselle, as culturally we tend to have a 9 Nights (celebrate the person's life and legacy on the 9th night of their passing). And funerals are social affairs, as everyone comes together to the service and then goes to the wake and their not sombre events. There's tons of food that is catered, drinks, desserts and music (either live, background music or a DJ of sorts). So to pay respects to someone on the day of their passing is normal to me. I don't really know anyone that doesn't do it.

But I'm a bit annoyed today. I met my friends for dinner that I used to work with at the council 10 years ago. Lovely dinner, a bit more than I had budgeted for, but okay all the same. But I lost my freedom pass on the way home and didn't realise until I got to my communal door. Hobbled back to the bus stop, couldn't find it. So I'll have to order a new one and I had to log onto my work laptop and report the ID card lost, as that was at the back of my bus pass as the lanyard snapped off the ID card. So I gotta pay for a new freedom pass and a new ID card 😤. Plus I had splurged on a nice purple leather bus pass holder, so that'll need replacing too. That'll teach me. I should have put it in my inner coat pocket like I used to, instead of having it in my normal pocket when I am taking out my phone, keys etc. Oh well 🤷🏾‍♀️.

daisy_1571

I see, thank you for that. I see what you mean about your own reactions as well. Perhaps since next year's will be a completely different day with a break from the norms you could build on that and just join them for the birthday part in future years so you get to enjoy it without the earlier contrast?

I certainly don't feel anything I've read about you, your life, your family etc would suggest you are callous ! 😀 you sound a very family oriented family and do much celebrations together which is lovely to read about. (I'll be honest and say my family are much more callous than you 😆 for example that I know its 10 years this year since my dad went but now I'd have to look up the day, possibly the month too as I'm now doubting the month I thought it was just now. Knowing the 10 years is only because we had a period of time when things happened every 2 years and i can link those to one of my significant birthdays otherwise I wouldn't even know off the top of my head how many years it is. As a family we don't have a history of going to graves of the few relatives that were buried (most are cremated) or doing special things on the days or the birthdays. As a couple we remember our birthdays and Xmas but pay no heed to any of our anniversaries and the day comes and goes without us even thinking of it or being aware its that day 😆 luckily we are both of the same mind otherwise there may have been problems over the years 😆 🤣)

Hadn't heard of 9 nights so cheers for that, I looked it up and it sounds a lovely custom. A fabulous way to help the spirit pass on yet also help the family and friends remember and talk about them

Dxx

AntoMac

Well Keedie, @daisy_1571 beat me to it. Nothing whatsoever to suggest that you are callous in any way, quite the opposite. The fact that you attend a gathering that you find difficult shows real kindness as you’re supporting your family.
it’s a good reminder that we are all different, and in my opinion the best and most fascinating thing about life is just that. There is no right or wrong way to remember grieve or celebrate a lost loved one….in my (also different) opinion. You have only ever come across as kind and thoughtful.

Daisy’s ways are also very different, but not in any way callous, just different.

Whilst I really miss my own dad I only ever think of him in a happy way.

Hey, how about your nephew’s team winning their final! How exciting is that !? Also, how kind that you fully supported whilst not fully understanding what was going on 😍

in_need_of_direction

where bereavement is concerned, I believe it’s a case of we do what’s right for us. With regard to the passes, have you checked transport and police lost property?

liselle

That sounds ideal, 9 nights.Preferable to having a mixed mourning/celebratory all at once.

Yes transport lost property are often successful.Do hope you do find the passes.