The Mental Debt Struggle...

FacelessNumber

Hi, I haven't commented before but read through your diary in the last couple of months as I'm getting back into the MSE focus before starting mat leave in a few weeks!

Just thought I'd chip in about the smart meter, we have one and are with octopus. We never actually look at our smart meter, in fact I don't think the little screen bit is even plugged in, but them being able to take readings and then being able to look on the app at our usage when I want to is great. 

They don't make any changes to the direct debit or the unit price without telling us, and I've been able to just adjust our direct debit myself when I want to - they give you a guidance amount on what they think you should pay but you don't have to stick to it. I'm certainly not an expert on the energy side of things but happy to answer any questions if I can 😊

LittleMissDetermined

Catching up on your diary @Keedie and I am SO GLAD that your employer has finally listened to you. it's shameful that it's taken so long and I am also angry at how you have been treated all this time by them. Hopefully it will make it that bit easier for you to go back once its time.  Just show what can happen with perseverance, many people in your position would have given up.

I agree with @FacelessNumber (great user name btw) the direct debit should stay exactly the same unless they tell you in advance. Octopus are one of the firms who are in the limelight at the moment with Ofgem as they are now able to forcibly install pre-payment meters for customers in debt but there are strict rules to adhere to so I doubt they will be doing anything that will cause customer detriment.  You don't have to use the display all the time, ours is on a shelf behind some books and I rarely look at it. It just saves me submitting monthly readings. 

I hope your son's wrist is OK, and he's not in too much pain.
LMD x

Keedie

Thanks for the information about smart meters everyone, I had a look again at the information in the email that Octopus sent me and it said that I'm still in control of the direct debit and how often the readings are taken. So I don't feel as hesitant about it now, but I know that if it comes soon, I will keep checking the readings, as my mental health is rather poor at moment and so my anxiety is at an all time high.

So I think the best compromise (as I do want to get one, I just started getting anxious), is that I push the appointment back and do my normal monthly routine on 1 February, and do my meter reading and see if I can get an appointment for a couple of weeks time. Thanks for explaining how it works for you @FacelessNumber (I also think that's a great username 🤗). I'll have to look at the Ofgem information about the enforcement of prepayment meters if customers get into debt, as that's a more expensive way of receiving energy, but as my account is usually in credit, hopefully nothing like that will happen. 

Work is a never ending source of unnecessary stress @LittleMissDetermined, and I'm very tired from always having to fight and fight for basic empathy or logical approaches to how we are treated as humans and not simply a 'resource' at their disposal. It's not hard to treat people with kindness and respect, and considering that I work in human resources, being treated this way just makes my blood boil. As our department, like many other HR departments across all industries, would be the first one to condemn managers for not following the policies or ill-treating staff. They're just basically a bunch of hypocrites, and incompetent.

For example, I was offered a meeting with my manager and her manager, to discuss the 'new' job description and the work that I will be doing when I go back to work. I accepted the offer and my manager sent me an email asking if they could meet me this Thursday 18 January at 10am via Microsoft Teams, I confirmed my availability for that time, and she sends me a meeting request from 11.30 to 12pm!

So I had to decline it, and email her and copy in her manager, and state that I was available at the agreed time of 10am, but not at this revised time, as I have a doctor's appointment at 11.50am and then I am busy for the rest of the day but available from 3.15pm. I had to say that I am also available Friday 19 January, or Tuesday 23 January, Thursday 25 January or Friday 26 January next week if they are no longer available at the agreed time.

She then emails back and says it was an error and sends the correct invite. The error wasn't the timing, it was her in thinking she could just change things to suit whatever she wanted and I would just go along with it. If I had accepted that time, it wouldn't have been an 'error', and the meeting would have happened at that time, because that's the kind of nonsense she does all the time 🙄.

I'm losing sleep over this place, and not very happy with the headaches it's causing me... I'm not in the mental place to be job hunting, as I can't complete application forms or even begin to try and sell myself in an interview or cope with the rejection that inevitably occurs when job hunting. I'm just too fragile. So I need to return to a place I am not impressed with, and be managed by someone who has taught me not to respect her although she demands power and authority without considering that enhancing her subject knowledge and being personable would automatically enhance her authoritative standing and respect. 

I also received a letter from the NHS Business Service Authority, claiming that I claimed for free dental treatment on 29 November 2023 (when I had my tooth extracted by that over eager locum dentist), and that I claimed I had an NHS tax credit exemption certificate. The letter was telling me that if I can't produce evidence as to why I think I'm eligible for free treatment, I'm liable for the original charge plus a penalty charge of up to £100! I emailed them straight away and told them that I did pay the Band 1 emergency dental treatment charge of £25.80 and sent a screenshot of the transaction from my Chase account, which luckily has the timestamp of the payment plus a map showing the dentist's full address as the location where the payment was taken. I've not even been on tax credits since early July 2018!

That day, I had to tell the dental receptionist, whilst biting down on gauze to stem the bleeding from my tooth extraction, that being on universal credits is not an automatic exemption (as I googled the income threshold whilst in the dental reception), and my sick pay income was just over the threshold. I told her the form that I was told to complete doesn't apply to me and she could void it and I asked how much I had to pay. I was told £25.80 and I paid it. If they went on to then send the form to the NHS stating I'd received free treatment, after taking my money and giving me a receipt (which I sadly can't find), then that's their poor admin, and not on me. Arrgh! I've got enough on my plate without having to defend against something I didn't do...

The NHS 'respond' form is all based on you believing that you have the right to free treatment and so you are challenging the charge. When I got the out of office from the NHS after I sent my email, it said that they're dealing with queries in the order that they're received and they're very busy. I have to respond by 5 February, and I don't fancy my chance that they'll check my email and resolve the case by then. So I called them and the guy I spoke to said that I already have a £100 fine and dental treatment charge against my name. And if they have not processed my email by 5 February 2024, I'll get another automatic letter and the charge will increase! But I would get another 28 days to make 'representations'. I asked him to make a note of me calling as the online form wasn't really applicable to me, I've already emailed and provided proof of payment. He said that the relevant people will check the online forms and emails and deal with it when they get to it 🤬. Thank God I paid on my card that day and not by cash, as I'm not good at keeping receipts 😬.

But hey, at least I've done a bunch of the backdated learning forms for my course (most of them the minimal amount of lines possible 🥴). And today I'm tackling the learning portal, but my head is just throbbing.

LittleMissDetermined

OMG! That’s shocking of the dentist. You would think they would know what they’re doing!! I hope you have contacted them to make a complaint.

I can understand why you have doubts they will sort it by 5th Feb, but maybe you can get a letter or email from the dentist backing up that it’s their mistake and not something you have tried to claim when you’re not entitled to it? Equally it’s worth seeing if the dentist has a contact number for where they send the forms? Always worth a shot.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you x

beanielou

I am just going to say what I have been thinking & shout me down as you wish. 

I worry that you are going back into a toxic environment which will be further detrimental for you & your mental health. 

Would it be more beneficial to you to walk away & use the services of the group that you have already mentioned who can support people with mental health issues into employment. 

A fresh start. 

A clean slate. 

Said with your wellbeing in mind & from a place of love and compassion. 

Humdinger1

@Keedie you are wonderful! Well done for standing up to toxic bullies; their behaviour beggars belief.  Never fear, karma is hot on their heels! Your plan for 2024 is ideal.  Onwards and upwards love Humdinger xx 

Keedie

It took me ages to get through to the dentist surgery and was put on hold a few times, but I finally managed to speak to the practice manager. She said that there is a lot of these cases and they don't know what is happening!

She checked my form and said that she can see that I didn't claim an exemption as the back of my form was blank and she sent a copy of the form and my receipt via email to me. So I'll wait and see what the NHS BSA comes up with by the 5 February deadline and challenge it again with more evidence this time. I wish I'd managed to get through to them before sending my email, as I looked at the form that just came through and on the exemption section it's blank. It's a lot of unnecessary headache 🤬. I was blaming the dentist surgery but they seem just as clueless as me as to what is going on... 🤦🏾‍♀️.

You make very valid points @beanielou and you are actually absolutely right. It would be better to start afresh somewhere else. And have a clean slate. It would be the kinder option wellbeing wise too. I really appreciate your concern, it means a lot to me. I'm concerned for myself, I won't lie. I do worry about the toxicity of the environment I'll be working in, especially as I have been fairly vocal about a lot of their failings and mistreatment. I don't know if I've probably painted a target on my back.

But the reality is that a clean slate or fresh start is only half the problem/solution. As part of my perfectionist nature and when I am experiencing a hypomanic bipolar episode, I can end up overworking and overcommitting my time and expertise, often to my detriment and I become stressed and unwell and go downhill. Fast. Sometimes, as strange as it may sound, I am not even aware that I have become unwell. It has to be pointed out to me, or I suddenly become embroiled in the thick of a bad episode and can't always work out how I have got there.

I have made a lot of strides in taking better care of myself in the last 9/10 months, and advocating for what works for me and demanding what I deserve and how I should be treated. But I still have a lot of work to do. So that I can ensure that I am working within healthy boundaries and learning how to have a better work/life balance with the support of the mental health support at Maximus. I need to work on this in an environment that I actually know and understand, even if it is one that I don't like. As I won't have to learn the ropes of a new job, new working environment/commute, meet new colleagues, understand the workplace culture. I also won't be able to phase into a new workplace on a schedule that suits me. So I have to kind of suck it up in a way. It's not ideal, in any shape or form, but it's better the devil I know, whilst I'm still working on myself. So that when I go into a new environment, I'm better suited to know my limits and act accordingly. 

That's also one of the reasons that I'm so focused on getting debt free this year. My job pays well for the part time hours that I will be doing and I have the support of universal credits and PIP. I just need to ensure that they are not taking the p**s with me, and I do my job and go home or log off at the right time when working from home. 

I think of my mental breakdown as similar to that of a caterpillar to butterfly lifecycle:

I was in Stage 1 in 2022, the seeds of all that mental pressure started, just like the start of a butterflies life when the egg is doing its thing. I was experiencing a lot with my son's education, my finances and the constant changes and moving of goalposts and lack of help at work, with managers dropping like flies.

By 2023, I hit Stage 2 where the caterpillar hatches and consumes everything in sight. Things just snowballed and I had that mental breakdown once I was signed off work, it kind of released something inside me, that knew that I had to change from the inside out, or I wouldn't live to tell the tale. And so I just consumed whatever information and resources were available to help me with my mental growth and resilience, and started the process of personal growth and reconnecting with what makes me me.

Now we're in 2024, and in Stage 3 and I'm beginning to make the most of my metamorphosis. And although I'd love to stay in my cocoon and stay off work whilst I'm still healing and trying to forge a different way of life, I kind of need to go through that process of pushing through and make changes to the way that I work and function, so that I can prepare for Stage 4 and emerge as a butterfly. It won't take until the end of the year, as I've been doing a lot of the work already. But the rebirth is definitely on the horizon.

The process of becoming a butterfly isn't an easy one, but the end result is always worth it. I'm in my Chrysalsis Era. The last couple of years have been my crucible, and they have fundamentally changed me. And although I am still fragile, I'm developing a strength that will see me through for years to come. 

And if I go back to work and it's untenable and I hate too much, I'll walk away and revise the debts, finances and lifestyle requirements accordingly. 

beanielou

THank you for understanding where i was coming from 

Keedie

beanielou said:

THank you for understanding where i was coming from 

You always give me great advice 🤗, and so I would stupid not to consider it. And we're on the same page about the fresh start. It's definitely needed. I just feel that I need to go through this next stage to get there. I may well end up being wrong, and if so, I'll bow out sooner rather than later. As I don't want to undo all of my hard work and recovery.

Keedie

The last couple of days have been a real whirlwind getting my course all sorted, meeting with my manager and head of service and I think I made some silly financial choices 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Digital marketing course wise, the last session was today and I thanked the tutor and he commended me for coming back after deferring (I had to take a break when I became too unwell to function last year). That was very nice of him and made me smile. I had a progress review with my business development coach for the course and explained that I was still behind on my tasks, but I had been working on it as much as I can. She said I can take a few more weeks to do the online tasks, so that made me feel less overwhelmed.

My manager was on her best behaviour today, my head of service seemed to be overly excited about me returning to work. I don't know what they're expecting me to do when I get back to work, but I won't be the same person I was before as I was overworking myself to the bone. Apparently, the workload is lower and they're still recruiting more people and other people have also had stress issues whilst I've been off. Not remotely surprising. They have referred me to Occupational Health so that I can discuss a phased return to work and what that looks like. The main thing is that my working pattern has been approved and I will work Tuesday to Thursday each week, which means I can still keep Mondays for myself and go to the creative writing sessions for people with mental health. I'm carving out Mondays as my me-time, that slice of just having a day for myself between the demands of the weekend and the pressure of work. Like a breather of sorts.

Financially, I don't know if I have made a boo boo with my budget, so if anyone has an opinion, I won't be offended if you want to give feedback. Basically, I was trying to balance out my budget as I am always living off the previous month's income, but sometimes dipping into the money that I am saving for the following month. Essentially overspending. So my budget for January 2024 was set based on income in December 2023, but that income was not the full month's income as I had overspent at Christmas and for other things that I hadn't properly budgeted for. Normally, when that happens, I kinda end up moving money around or at the worst case, dipping into the money that I am saving for the next month. Yeah I know it kinda defeats the point.

Things are a bit tight at the moment, but so many family birthdays and things happening this month as well. So I sat down and did a realistic budget for the next few months and worked out what I need to spend for the rest of January. Then, rather than touching a penny of February's budget, I took what I needed from my emergency fund 😬. So that's dropped down to £50. And I cleared the debt buster pot and put it towards February's budget, as I have a current shortfall of £322.81 for February's expenses. 

I need to finish my self assessment by Sunday, so that I can work out my tax bill and make the payment by the following weekend so that I don't miss the 31 January deadline. I've invoiced for that copyediting opportunity that I got, and was told the payment would be made by Friday 26 January 2023. So that should help with the tax bill, and if I have enough already in the business account, then after I take into account 2023/24 tax bill and running expenses, that might give me some extra money to put towards February's budget. 

If by 31 January, I'm still at a slight deficit for February's budget, then as my Universal Credits is due on 1 February and it goes into Monzo, I will be able to claim it from 4pm on 31 January and balance the budget. As I return to work in February, and the Cost of Living payment is due in February, I should hopefully be able to balance everything out for what I accumulate for March 2024.

I'm not going to make any debt overpayments until I've got back on top of my budget and spending. I've realised that in order for me to remain debt free, some things have to really change. So this quarter will just be minimum payments to debt at £300 a month and that will be £1,150/£9,000 for the first quarter instead of £1,800/£9,000. But I think that is better. Logging all of my expenses on that spreadsheet has been an eye opener to where I am being wasteful etc.

So the focus for Q1 is to get a proper handle on the budget and spending with better discipline about dipping into pots and sinking funds. I realised I was being too ambitious about my debt free goals without properly considering what I needed to deal with on a daily basis. I can't clear my debts and start the year on a rocky foundation. I need to fix up and then build momentum from Q2, so I can resume overpayments from April to June and start to contribute to sinking funds again.