Is my wife being unreasonable?

gettingtheresometime

Maskface said:

Deleted_User said:p

Maskface said:

Deleted_User said:

To answer some of the questions. The children are 6 and 2. The youngest is just a bit of a handle; acts up in the car, refuses to hold hands when outside and more. Oldest is autistic and has ADHD. He's not much of an handful being older but them both together, I don't feel safe travelling long distances with them.

I've spoken to the wife before about it but she's won't budge. Once I asked if it was permitted for her to travel if we don't buy anything to eat or let anyone cook for us. I got a 30 minute monologue about her faith, how people keep trying to change her and she isn't changing for anybody. 

Oh yeah, she also told me that if we met now, she wouldn't be with me. Honestly don't know why she said that. 

That's simple, it's !!!!!! all to do with her faith. The reason she wouldn't be with you if she met you now is because she doesn't love you. That's why she's treating you so appallingly. Why are you even with someone who has such little respect for you that they'd say something so callous? She's telling you right there that the reason she treats you the way she does is because she doesn't want to be with you. 

It's bizarre as we get on pretty much fine all the time. Our relationship is a bit weird since she said that. When she initially said it, she was expecting  me to say the same but I said the opposite. I've catered for this and supported it for years, it's only relatively recently I'm becoming to resent it. Honestly, my dad's funeral could land on a Saturday and I'm sure she won't show up.

Day to day, we're not at each others throats, we joke and share the odd laugh. But it's clear now that we're just co-parenting. 

Sadly I think you're right, you are co parenting. What I'm reading isn't mutual respect. I'm actually angry for you that she thinks it's acceptable to be so callous toward you. Read back on her behaviour at times when you are distressed over your dad and need her to be supportive and how she tells you she wouldn't be with you if you met now. Now imagine your friend was telling you this was his wife. What advice would you be giving him? What would you be telling him to do? Unfortunately I think this has gone way past being unreasonable. You've supported her with this faith but she's not supporting you at all and even admits she doesn't want to be with you now. That should tell you all you need to know. I'm sorry it's probably not what you want to hear but I think your future is not with her. This died a long time ago.

I don't think she does think
 it's acceptable....I think she goading the OP into leaving her, so she can be the injured party.

[Deleted User]

unholyangel said:

I'm going to be blunt here, but I think there may (key word) be unreasonableness on both sides. 

Have you ever done the cooking (or other things her faith doesn't permit) on saturdays? If so, what was her response/reaction? 

Does your wife cope with both kids on her own? Does she do all the cooking? Who does the cleaning? 

I'm not saying this is the case, just looking for possible explanations for her behaviour, but if she does deal with both children, does the cooking etc and doesn't get any/much help with it from you and you can't visit your dad without her.....she may be feeling like she has 3 children, not 2. Could also explain the comment about not being with you and her suddenly finding a faith that prohibits work being done on a certain day (so she has an excuse to have a break).

While it's entirely unreasonable for the wife to expect everyone in the family to follow her religion, is that what's happening here? It's unclear from your posts whether she is telling you and the kids you can't go out etc or whether you feel you  can't go out because you want her to come help with the kids etc and she doesn't want to so no one ends up going out.

Consider this, YOU want her to accompany YOU to see your dad, for the length of time YOU decided appropriate, because YOU want to take both kids but YOU can't cope with both kids. Where is the flexibility and compromise from YOU? (ie alternating children or going alone on Sunday when kids are busy with their things). 

Caps used to emphasise the word only, not having a go at you...again this is just trying to think where your wife could be coming from and I'm not saying any of this is actually fact. 

I appreciate this post and it's what I'm looking for. Initially yes, she said we can't do anything on those days. My elderly neighbour knocked me during lockdown asking for me to go out and get some food (something I would usually do, including taking him to appointments etc.). She told me that I had to say no and I did it. Another rule is you can't use the stove. I forgot one time and fried some eggs and we didn't speak for a week. I sat her down and explained that I can't follow these rules anymore and since then, she's been reasonable about me not breaking them in the home (I don't use the stove for example but go out with friends).

In terms of managing the house. She'll do most of the cooking and cleaning. Well, she'll cook dinner but I'll do the kids breakfast and lunch (which doesn't take as much effort as dinner I know). I do the school run 4 days a week, book and take the kids to all of their medical appointments and take my my son to his activities during the week and the weekend. Son is also autistic so will take him to all of his speech therapy and other appointments.

She works hard, but it's not like I'm lounging. I just get annoyed because my dad is literally dying and I am made to feel like asking for help with the kids, once a month, is some major outlay. I remember her sister getting sick in Bournemouth or something and having to spend the night in hospital. It was just a food bug and her husband was there etc. but wife wanted to visit. No questions, I just drove her down there, worked from the hospital the next day. I don't feel I get the same understanding.

And yeah, I am asking her for this stuff and it is a ball ache for me too visiting my dad when I have to get myself and the kids ready for work and school the next day. And actually, it's only alternating months I visit with the kids (I mentioned each month previously) and the other months I leave them at home. 

Mojisola

Deleted_User said:

she said we can't do anything on those days.

As she is sticking to the rules of her faith, she can't do anything on those days.

Those rules don't apply to the rest of the household.

If she's going to sulk for a week because you do something her faith doesn't allow her to do, this relationship is doomed.

Maskface

You know  the more you mention about the unreasonable demands she makes the more I think what on earth are you doing with this woman? Not speaking to you for a week because you fried an egg?? This is utterly ridiculous. Are you honestly going to spend the rest of your life living like this? She's already told you she wouldn't be with you if you met now, so this faith has already ended the relationship. This isn't healthy.

Maskface

The absolute tragedy in all this is that if you took the faith out of it then reversed the sexes and a man didn't speak to his wife for a week because she fried an egg on the wrong day, people would be calling it coercive and controlling behaviour as well as domestic abuse and telling her to get the hell out and not let him anywhere near her kids.

sheramber

Are the children not allowed to go out on a Saturday also?

I remember having a girl in my class at school whose father was Church of Scotland minister. She was not allowed to go to ant birthday parties held on a Sunday.

elsien

It’s her religion not to do things on the Saturday, not yours. And presumably not the children. 

If she doesn’t want to use the cooker on a Saturday that’s her decision. She doesn’t have the right to impose those values on you, if you cook for yourself. Or to stop you and the children going out on a Saturday while she stays at home. Or you helping a neighbour on those days. 
Is there a faith leader involved that you could talk to to find out if they are genuinely telling her this or whether as a new convert she is being over zealous? 

unholyangel

Deleted_User said:

unholyangel said:

I'm going to be blunt here, but I think there may (key word) be unreasonableness on both sides. 

Have you ever done the cooking (or other things her faith doesn't permit) on saturdays? If so, what was her response/reaction? 

Does your wife cope with both kids on her own? Does she do all the cooking? Who does the cleaning? 

I'm not saying this is the case, just looking for possible explanations for her behaviour, but if she does deal with both children, does the cooking etc and doesn't get any/much help with it from you and you can't visit your dad without her.....she may be feeling like she has 3 children, not 2. Could also explain the comment about not being with you and her suddenly finding a faith that prohibits work being done on a certain day (so she has an excuse to have a break).

While it's entirely unreasonable for the wife to expect everyone in the family to follow her religion, is that what's happening here? It's unclear from your posts whether she is telling you and the kids you can't go out etc or whether you feel you  can't go out because you want her to come help with the kids etc and she doesn't want to so no one ends up going out.

Consider this, YOU want her to accompany YOU to see your dad, for the length of time YOU decided appropriate, because YOU want to take both kids but YOU can't cope with both kids. Where is the flexibility and compromise from YOU? (ie alternating children or going alone on Sunday when kids are busy with their things). 

Caps used to emphasise the word only, not having a go at you...again this is just trying to think where your wife could be coming from and I'm not saying any of this is actually fact. 

I appreciate this post and it's what I'm looking for. Initially yes, she said we can't do anything on those days. My elderly neighbour knocked me during lockdown asking for me to go out and get some food (something I would usually do, including taking him to appointments etc.). She told me that I had to say no and I did it. Another rule is you can't use the stove. I forgot one time and fried some eggs and we didn't speak for a week. I sat her down and explained that I can't follow these rules anymore and since then, she's been reasonable about me not breaking them in the home (I don't use the stove for example but go out with friends).

In terms of managing the house. She'll do most of the cooking and cleaning. Well, she'll cook dinner but I'll do the kids breakfast and lunch (which doesn't take as much effort as dinner I know). I do the school run 4 days a week, book and take the kids to all of their medical appointments and take my my son to his activities during the week and the weekend. Son is also autistic so will take him to all of his speech therapy and other appointments.

She works hard, but it's not like I'm lounging. I just get annoyed because my dad is literally dying and I am made to feel like asking for help with the kids, once a month, is some major outlay. I remember her sister getting sick in Bournemouth or something and having to spend the night in hospital. It was just a food bug and her husband was there etc. but wife wanted to visit. No questions, I just drove her down there, worked from the hospital the next day. I don't feel I get the same understanding.

And yeah, I am asking her for this stuff and it is a ball ache for me too visiting my dad when I have to get myself and the kids ready for work and school the next day. And actually, it's only alternating months I visit with the kids (I mentioned each month previously) and the other months I leave them at home. 

Faith is something very personal and close to our hearts. Which is why you can't (and shouldn't ever) try to force your religion on someone. Your wife is wrong for trying to force it on you. 

Tbh, I wouldn't put up with her faith restricting what I or the kids can do. Or at least, I'd make sure the kids had experience of both her faith and mine (from an educational point of view and to help them become accustomed to differences). Tbh, I wouldn't put up with my partner trying to control what I do full stop (but....he's smart enough not to even try!).

There's a difference asking for compromise because something affects you negatively or because one thing in particular drives you absolutely bananas. But when you start demanding or expecting them to change in a way that is so restrictive, and especially when you "punish" them (such as not talking to them for a week) for not doing what you want....that's control, not compromise. 

Although I'd also say sometimes people need space to process things and aren't punishing their partner, but I don't think that's the case here. She doesn't sound like she was emotionally distraught. It sounds like she didn't speak to you because you did something she didn't want you doing, with no consideration for what you wanted to be doing. 

Can I ask though, what was your purpose in posting here? You may not have actively thought about the purpose, I'm tactfully trying to ask if this is you questioning the future of the relationship.

YBR

Comments from a completely different angle:
For your wife, In the tension between her relationship with God, and her relationship with you, you are not going to win.
God is, by definition, supreme and supernatural, and clearly God accepts no compromise in her view. Personally I believe in a more understanding and compassionate God, but there have always been stricter sects in Jewish and Christian faiths.

Her practices seem to be from that stricter end, and I'd expect that her "church" are going to be teaching that if she doesn't follow them God will be angry, or that she won't receive salvation. Again that's not the Christian faith I recognise whereby God, through Jesus, offers Salvation as a free gift, not dependent on our "good behaviour". Anyway, in you can't win against this strictness because whatever you say against it just shows you as a non-believer, which you are.

With respect to resting on the Sabbath, if it's a New Testament faith (broadly Christian) as we are all assuming, then the obvious quotations are in Matthew Chapter 12, Mark 2 and Luke 6. These cover the same stories where Jesus and his disciples are challenged about breaking the Jewish commandment to rest on the Sabbath as a holy day. Jesus says "The Son of Man is Lord of the Sabbath.” and in my experience this is interpreted this as saying the day of rest is made for our benefit, not for God's and therefore doing what you find restful is reasonable.
Asking how she/her sect interpret this might be a place to start persuading your wife, if you can do it without getting frustrated. Look up the passages in the Bible she uses, and point out that Jesus himself was accused or breaking the Sabbath.

Maskface

It's actually quite disturbing that coercive control dressed up as 'Faith' is so acceptable in this day and age. As I pointed out before if you took the faith out and reversed the sexes this would be called domestic abuse and people would be telling you to get out and protect your children from her at all costs.