Is my wife being unreasonable?

beckstar1975

This is just bonkers to me.

Does your wife manage both children on her own in the week? What is she doing in the week as opposed to you? You just have to grit your teeth and get on with it - put the 2 year old in a buggy if need be - if something happened to your wife you'd have to cope so why don't you start with it now when it's not an emergency.

Why don't you cook half the weeks meals, it sounds like you don't so it's up to her when she cooks for the week, if that's in bulk at the weekends that's her prerogative and that of many, many people on MSE.

Do you have hobbies/activities that take you away from the home? I am sorry that you don't share a faith but it's no different to men going out playing golf every weekend, which happens up and down the country.

Sounds like a mismatch of expectations and workload sharing is at the heart of this rather than faith tbh - that's just the end result of the mismatch. 

[Deleted User]

theoretica said:

If you go on the Saturday, could you take alternate kids?

Could you do more cooking/cleaning on the Saturday to give less to do on Sundays? 

Hire a nanny to come with you on Saturday?

That will cause drama. I see friends and family on the weekend, but don't clean up or etc. as that goes against her code directly in front of her. Can't afford a nanny and even if I could, that's paying someone on a Saturday. Things like that just annoy her. 

[Deleted User]

london21 said:

Deleted_User said:

Hi all

I'm starting to resent my wife but not sure if I need to be more accommodating or if she does. A few years ago, she came into a new religion and part of it means she can't do any work on a Saturday, or anything that requires people to work or spend money. This means the only recreation outside of the house is going for a walk or to the park. We can't invite people over or go out to visit.

The result of this is that our Sundays are spent cramming everything in; children activities, shopping, cleaning the house, cooking etc. We hardly go out as a family on these days as the wife is always keen to get home as early as possible so she can't start cooking and getting ready for work the next day. The result of this is me spending time or going out with older son whilst she stays homes with the other (I can't handle both by myself). 

The bit where I'm getting quite resentful is when it comes to visiting my family who are about 40 miles away. I've been making more of an effort to see my family monthly as 5-6 months will go by and I haven't seen anyone (time just goes so quick now).

My dad is almost 80 and has cancer, regularly in hospital etc. I usually visit him by myself on a Saturday as I can't travel with both kids. When I do see him with the kids, my wife will only come with me on a Sunday and this is where the resentment comes. 

Sunday is the day where the kids have their activities etc. and my wife's preference to cook for the week as she won't do it the Friday evening/Saturday. Every time I mention I want her to come with me so my dying dad can see the children, it's always followed by a huff and a plead for us to leave as early as possible. It really bugs me that she knows my dad is dying of cancer, but continues to make my time with him feel rushed. 

When we are all together, she sits to one side almost impatiently, doesn't really interact with me at all, keeps her answers short etc. and every now again will remind me of the time (we're talking 3/4pm here so nothing even late).

I've supported her where I can with this new faith, but to me she fails to be considerate. Today just had me really annoyed. Dad let me know his cancer has spread and he needs further chemotherapy. I ask for her to come with me so he can see the kids and the first thing that comes from her mouth is how we have to leave early because she's tired. Well, we could easily go on the Saturday (Friday even) and you can rest on Sunday but no! 

Really curious what religion this is now. Might be Judaism

Surely should not affect normal life to such extent.

You will have to slowly ease into taking both children out to gain some normality.

What was the relationship like before your wife found the new religion?

Something does not seem right, hopefully you can both work things out to have a balance family life. 

It's Abrahamic and the things she watches are all based in the United States. It's people who follow the "lost" books of the Bible and follow the Sabbath of a Saturday because that was apparently the original day before pagans altered the calender etc. etc. 

Maskface

Deleted_User said:

theoretica said:

If you go on the Saturday, could you take alternate kids?

Could you do more cooking/cleaning on the Saturday to give less to do on Sundays? 

Hire a nanny to come with you on Saturday?

That will cause drama. I see friends and family on the weekend, but don't clean up or etc. as that goes against her code directly in front of her. Can't afford a nanny and even if I could, that's paying someone on a Saturday. Things like that just annoy her. 

Seriously, what are you staying with this woman for? None of what you describe is love. Is she being unreasonable? She's being intolerable and you deserve better. Stop letting her treat you like a doormat and leave her.

[Deleted User]

Maskface said:

Deleted_User said:

To answer some of the questions. The children are 6 and 2. The youngest is just a bit of a handle; acts up in the car, refuses to hold hands when outside and more. Oldest is autistic and has ADHD. He's not much of an handful being older but them both together, I don't feel safe travelling long distances with them.

I've spoken to the wife before about it but she's won't budge. Once I asked if it was permitted for her to travel if we don't buy anything to eat or let anyone cook for us. I got a 30 minute monologue about her faith, how people keep trying to change her and she isn't changing for anybody. 

Oh yeah, she also told me that if we met now, she wouldn't be with me. Honestly don't know why she said that. 

That's simple, it's !!!!!! all to do with her faith. The reason she wouldn't be with you if she met you now is because she doesn't love you. That's why she's treating you so appallingly. Why are you even with someone who has such little respect for you that they'd say something so callous? She's telling you right there that the reason she treats you the way she does is because she doesn't want to be with you. 

It's bizarre as we get on pretty much fine all the time. Our relationship is a bit weird since she said that. When she initially said it, she was expecting  me to say the same but I said the opposite. I've catered for this and supported it for years, it's only relatively recently I'm becoming to resent it. Honestly, my dad's funeral could land on a Saturday and I'm sure she won't show up.

Day to day, we're not at each others throats, we joke and share the odd laugh. But it's clear now that we're just co-parenting. 

Maskface

Deleted_User said:

Maskface said:

Deleted_User said:

To answer some of the questions. The children are 6 and 2. The youngest is just a bit of a handle; acts up in the car, refuses to hold hands when outside and more. Oldest is autistic and has ADHD. He's not much of an handful being older but them both together, I don't feel safe travelling long distances with them.

I've spoken to the wife before about it but she's won't budge. Once I asked if it was permitted for her to travel if we don't buy anything to eat or let anyone cook for us. I got a 30 minute monologue about her faith, how people keep trying to change her and she isn't changing for anybody. 

Oh yeah, she also told me that if we met now, she wouldn't be with me. Honestly don't know why she said that. 

That's simple, it's !!!!!! all to do with her faith. The reason she wouldn't be with you if she met you now is because she doesn't love you. That's why she's treating you so appallingly. Why are you even with someone who has such little respect for you that they'd say something so callous? She's telling you right there that the reason she treats you the way she does is because she doesn't want to be with you. 

It's bizarre as we get on pretty much fine all the time. Our relationship is a bit weird since she said that. When she initially said it, she was expecting  me to say the same but I said the opposite. I've catered for this and supported it for years, it's only relatively recently I'm becoming to resent it. Honestly, my dad's funeral could land on a Saturday and I'm sure she won't show up.

Day to day, we're not at each others throats, we joke and share the odd laugh. But it's clear now that we're just co-parenting. 

Sadly I think you're right, you are co parenting. What I'm reading isn't mutual respect. I'm actually angry for you that she thinks it's acceptable to be so callous toward you. Read back on her behaviour at times when you are distressed over your dad and need her to be supportive and how she tells you she wouldn't be with you if you met now. Now imagine your friend was telling you this was his wife. What advice would you be giving him? What would you be telling him to do? Unfortunately I think this has gone way past being unreasonable. You've supported her with this faith but she's not supporting you at all and even admits she doesn't want to be with you now. That should tell you all you need to know. I'm sorry it's probably not what you want to hear but I think your future is not with her. This died a long time ago.

rincha

I cant get my head around how she can think her religion comes before her own family. Absolutely ridiculous! 

Why can't you and the kids just carry on with life as normal on a Saturday? If it bothers her she can just go into another room? 

It's totally unreasonable for her to demand that the entire household be put on hold on a Saturday when only 1 person believes in this stuff! 

Maskface

rincha said:

I cant get my head around how she can think her religion comes before her own family. Absolutely ridiculous! 

Why can't you and the kids just carry on with life as normal on a Saturday? If it bothers her she can just go into another room? 

It's totally unreasonable for her to demand that the entire household be put on hold on a Saturday when only 1 person believes in this stuff! 

She sounds pretty unpleasant on numerous levels really.

bouicca21

I always  have a suspicion that those who convert to a new religion or move to a more extreme version of their existing faith are actually deeply unhappy in themselves.  Blindly clinging to rules gives them a sense of purpose and fulfilment that was lacking.  I think OP’s marriage is in more trouble than he realises.

tooldle

sevenhills said:

Deleted_User said:

Oh yeah, she also told me that if we met now, she wouldn't be with me. Honestly don't know why she said that. 

It sounds that you are both struggling with this relationship, what was it like before she found religion?
Things are really difficult when visiting sick relatives in hospital.

Unless you talk about it, you won’t know. Throwing out an alternate view, she could simply mean she with her new religion would not choose you, knowing how difficult it is to live with competing demands of religious and non religious norms. 

I’ll be very honest and say, my dad died of cancer. Did I expect my OH to visit my dad regularly through the illness? No, I did not. Were my OH’s dad to be struck down with a terminal illness, would I visit him. Hell no, I don’t like the man. I would of course support my OH. Perhaps your wife doesn’t wish to have this level of involvement with your extended family. Some people have lovely relatives and others don’t. In the middle are many that grit their teeth and crack on. Sometimes a break point is reached and people say no more visits, especially when there are numerous other things to be done on the same day. Give yourselves a break and find a solution that works for both of you. You’ll get to see your dad and your wife gets to do what she wants in that time slot. You could even look to take both kids one week, one the next, following the next week with the other child and finally a child free visit. That way both of you get a few child free hours once every four weeks.