Is my wife being unreasonable?

[Deleted User]

Hi all

I'm starting to resent my wife but not sure if I need to be more accommodating or if she does. A few years ago, she came into a new religion and part of it means she can't do any work on a Saturday, or anything that requires people to work or spend money. This means the only recreation outside of the house is going for a walk or to the park. We can't invite people over or go out to visit.

The result of this is that our Sundays are spent cramming everything in; children activities, shopping, cleaning the house, cooking etc. We hardly go out as a family on these days as the wife is always keen to get home as early as possible so she can't start cooking and getting ready for work the next day. The result of this is me spending time or going out with older son whilst she stays homes with the other (I can't handle both by myself). 

The bit where I'm getting quite resentful is when it comes to visiting my family who are about 40 miles away. I've been making more of an effort to see my family monthly as 5-6 months will go by and I haven't seen anyone (time just goes so quick now).

My dad is almost 80 and has cancer, regularly in hospital etc. I usually visit him by myself on a Saturday as I can't travel with both kids. When I do see him with the kids, my wife will only come with me on a Sunday and this is where the resentment comes. 

Sunday is the day where the kids have their activities etc. and my wife's preference to cook for the week as she won't do it the Friday evening/Saturday. Every time I mention I want her to come with me so my dying dad can see the children, it's always followed by a huff and a plead for us to leave as early as possible. It really bugs me that she knows my dad is dying of cancer, but continues to make my time with him feel rushed. 

When we are all together, she sits to one side almost impatiently, doesn't really interact with me at all, keeps her answers short etc. and every now again will remind me of the time (we're talking 3/4pm here so nothing even late).

I've supported her where I can with this new faith, but to me she fails to be considerate. Today just had me really annoyed. Dad let me know his cancer has spread and he needs further chemotherapy. I ask for her to come with me so he can see the kids and the first thing that comes from her mouth is how we have to leave early because she's tired. Well, we could easily go on the Saturday (Friday even) and you can rest on Sunday but no! 

Ms_Chocaholic

She doesn't sound very accommodating.  How old are your children and what is this religion that says she mustn't do anything on a Saturday.

rincha

This sounds absolutely ridiculous. A lot of people believe in all sorts of religions/faiths etc etc. But when this starts getting between a family, like in your case, then it’s not sustainable and I doubt any religion or faith supports that.

I think you need to sit down and have a proper chat of how this is affecting the family. Does she work mon-fri? If so, imagine only having Sunday to get all the other jobs done, nightmare. 

Sounds like she needs to get her priorities straight. At the end of the day religion and faiths won’t get you very far but a well balanced Fulfilled home life will…

have you had a heart to heart with her? 

pinkshoes

Judaism? 

Surely if only she is following this religion, you and the kids aren't,  so you can go and do something?

Why can you only take one kid?!?! I find this comment just as restrictive as your wife's demands!

Mojisola

Deleted_User said:

The result of this is me spending time or going out with older son whilst she stays homes with the other (I can't handle both by myself).

Do the children have special needs that they need one-to-one care?

If you can't handle going out with two children, how would you cope if your wife had to spend time in hospital?

As for the religion, I don't think any reasonable priest/rabbi/preacher/imam would insist that the rules were more important than caring for elderly and sick family members - any that did are on the more extreme end of beliefs and it will be hard to maintain a relationship if the rest of the family don't become followers along with her.

Keep_pedalling

Sounds like Seventh day Adventists or similar. It’s her religion not yours or your children’s so I would suggest you do what the hell you like on Saturdays and leave her to keep to her fundamentalist observances. 

Region is fine until someone tries to apply their rules to non believers. As an atheist I get along fine with my Christian wife, but she is a liberal C of E type of Christian who has no problem with things like evolution. 

mark_cycling00

Sometimes people are attracted to strict regimes because they feel their lives are chaotic. It may be secretively chaotic and something you're not even aware of. Or perhaps a form of Asperger's etc. Or a desire to return to a previous lifestyle (e.g. strict parenting) that they feel comfortable with.

It could even be a fear of what might happen when if your dad passes away.

I say "sometimes". It's just a possibility.

Did she have a very structured childhood or schooling? Did her parents split-up or fall out when she was a teenager? Was one parent very controlling? Or very distant?

The answer "yes she is unreasonable" probably won't help when it comes to religious types of life because the other person will feel that they are doing the correct and righteous thing and not want to slack off or give up on their new discipline. 

Saying "i'm tired" sounds like an avoidance tactic. Maybe read some books on the subject (try to avoid pop-psychology web pages as they can simplify things and be unhelpful) 

Annisele

I'm sorry about your dad.

It's possible that both of you need to be more accomodating, but I don't think you've given enough information to say whether your wife is being unreasonable. For example, you don't explain why you can't take both children yourself, or why you can't do the cooking on whatever day you think is best.

elsien

Does your wife work outside of the home? If not, why can’t she do more of the cooking/cleaning etc during the week? 

[Deleted User]

To answer some of the questions. The children are 6 and 2. The youngest is just a bit of a handle; acts up in the car, refuses to hold hands when outside and more. Oldest is autistic and has ADHD. He's not much of an handful being older but them both together, I don't feel safe travelling long distances with them.

I've spoken to the wife before about it but she's won't budge. Once I asked if it was permitted for her to travel if we don't buy anything to eat or let anyone cook for us. I got a 30 minute monologue about her faith, how people keep trying to change her and she isn't changing for anybody. 

Oh yeah, she also told me that if we met now, she wouldn't be with me. Honestly don't know why she said that. 

theoretica

If you go on the Saturday, could you take alternate kids?

Could you do more cooking/cleaning on the Saturday to give less to do on Sundays? 

Hire a nanny to come with you on Saturday?