Is my wife being unreasonable?

[Deleted User]

Look into cults and the mentality  / mindset people have when they join cults because she is on one.
Go and visit your dad by yourself or with your older child.
. Make videos of the kids doing mundane stuff, talking, playing etc and show it to your dad. I know it is not the same but is better then not visiting him at all.

HRH_MUngo

Ms_Chocaholic said:

She doesn't sound very accommodating.  How old are your children and what is this religion that says she mustn't do anything on a Saturday.

Sounds like Orthodox Judaism or possible very strict Seventh day Adventist.

Maskface

bouicca21 said:

I always  have a suspicion that those who convert to a new religion or move to a more extreme version of their existing faith are actually deeply unhappy in themselves.  Blindly clinging to rules gives them a sense of purpose and fulfilment that was lacking.  I think OP’s marriage is in more trouble than he realises.

I think we already know she's deeply unhappy not just in herself but in her relationship too.

unholyangel

I'm going to be blunt here, but I think there may (key word) be unreasonableness on both sides. 

Have you ever done the cooking (or other things her faith doesn't permit) on saturdays? If so, what was her response/reaction? 

Does your wife cope with both kids on her own? Does she do all the cooking? Who does the cleaning? 

I'm not saying this is the case, just looking for possible explanations for her behaviour, but if she does deal with both children, does the cooking etc and doesn't get any/much help with it from you and you can't visit your dad without her.....she may be feeling like she has 3 children, not 2. Could also explain the comment about not being with you and her suddenly finding a faith that prohibits work being done on a certain day (so she has an excuse to have a break).

While it's entirely unreasonable for the wife to expect everyone in the family to follow her religion, is that what's happening here? It's unclear from your posts whether she is telling you and the kids you can't go out etc or whether you feel you  can't go out because you want her to come help with the kids etc and she doesn't want to so no one ends up going out.

Consider this, YOU want her to accompany YOU to see your dad, for the length of time YOU decided appropriate, because YOU want to take both kids but YOU can't cope with both kids. Where is the flexibility and compromise from YOU? (ie alternating children or going alone on Sunday when kids are busy with their things). 

Caps used to emphasise the word only, not having a go at you...again this is just trying to think where your wife could be coming from and I'm not saying any of this is actually fact. 

Maskface

unholyangel said:

I'm going to be blunt here, but I think there may (key word) be unreasonableness on both sides. 

Have you ever done the cooking (or other things her faith doesn't permit) on saturdays? If so, what was her response/reaction? 

Does your wife cope with both kids on her own? Does she do all the cooking? Who does the cleaning? 

I'm not saying this is the case, just looking for possible explanations for her behaviour, but if she does deal with both children, does the cooking etc and doesn't get any/much help with it from you and you can't visit your dad without her.....she may be feeling like she has 3 children, not 2. Could also explain the comment about not being with you and her suddenly finding a faith that prohibits work being done on a certain day (so she has an excuse to have a break).

While it's entirely unreasonable for the wife to expect everyone in the family to follow her religion, is that what's happening here? It's unclear from your posts whether she is telling you and the kids you can't go out etc or whether you feel you  can't go out because you want her to come help with the kids etc and she doesn't want to so no one ends up going out.

Consider this, YOU want her to accompany YOU to see your dad, for the length of time YOU decided appropriate, because YOU want to take both kids but YOU can't cope with both kids. Where is the flexibility and compromise from YOU? (ie alternating children or going alone on Sunday when kids are busy with their things). 

Caps used to emphasise the word only, not having a go at you...again this is just trying to think where your wife could be coming from and I'm not saying any of this is actually fact. 

Perhaps he just thought she might be a bit supportive now his dad is dying. It's not that unreasonable an expectation of your wife. 

unholyangel

Maskface said:

unholyangel said:

I'm going to be blunt here, but I think there may (key word) be unreasonableness on both sides. 

Have you ever done the cooking (or other things her faith doesn't permit) on saturdays? If so, what was her response/reaction? 

Does your wife cope with both kids on her own? Does she do all the cooking? Who does the cleaning? 

I'm not saying this is the case, just looking for possible explanations for her behaviour, but if she does deal with both children, does the cooking etc and doesn't get any/much help with it from you and you can't visit your dad without her.....she may be feeling like she has 3 children, not 2. Could also explain the comment about not being with you and her suddenly finding a faith that prohibits work being done on a certain day (so she has an excuse to have a break).

While it's entirely unreasonable for the wife to expect everyone in the family to follow her religion, is that what's happening here? It's unclear from your posts whether she is telling you and the kids you can't go out etc or whether you feel you  can't go out because you want her to come help with the kids etc and she doesn't want to so no one ends up going out.

Consider this, YOU want her to accompany YOU to see your dad, for the length of time YOU decided appropriate, because YOU want to take both kids but YOU can't cope with both kids. Where is the flexibility and compromise from YOU? (ie alternating children or going alone on Sunday when kids are busy with their things). 

Caps used to emphasise the word only, not having a go at you...again this is just trying to think where your wife could be coming from and I'm not saying any of this is actually fact. 

Perhaps he just thought she might be a bit supportive now his dad is dying. It's not that unreasonable an expectation of your wife. 

Hang on, the OP said his wife WILL come with him, but only on the Sunday, not Saturday.  

The OP also said he wants his wife to come so his dad can see the kids, (because the OP can't deal with both), not because he wants his wife's support in dealing with the decline in his father's health. 

The impression I got is it has only recently become terminal and that this issue (and the resentment) has been building much longer. So the OPs portrayal of the wife's attitude could be that of regular visits rather than terminal or deathbed visits. 

Maskface

unholyangel said:

Maskface said:

unholyangel said:

I'm going to be blunt here, but I think there may (key word) be unreasonableness on both sides. 

Have you ever done the cooking (or other things her faith doesn't permit) on saturdays? If so, what was her response/reaction? 

Does your wife cope with both kids on her own? Does she do all the cooking? Who does the cleaning? 

I'm not saying this is the case, just looking for possible explanations for her behaviour, but if she does deal with both children, does the cooking etc and doesn't get any/much help with it from you and you can't visit your dad without her.....she may be feeling like she has 3 children, not 2. Could also explain the comment about not being with you and her suddenly finding a faith that prohibits work being done on a certain day (so she has an excuse to have a break).

While it's entirely unreasonable for the wife to expect everyone in the family to follow her religion, is that what's happening here? It's unclear from your posts whether she is telling you and the kids you can't go out etc or whether you feel you  can't go out because you want her to come help with the kids etc and she doesn't want to so no one ends up going out.

Consider this, YOU want her to accompany YOU to see your dad, for the length of time YOU decided appropriate, because YOU want to take both kids but YOU can't cope with both kids. Where is the flexibility and compromise from YOU? (ie alternating children or going alone on Sunday when kids are busy with their things). 

Caps used to emphasise the word only, not having a go at you...again this is just trying to think where your wife could be coming from and I'm not saying any of this is actually fact. 

Perhaps he just thought she might be a bit supportive now his dad is dying. It's not that unreasonable an expectation of your wife. 

Hang on, the OP said his wife WILL come with him, but only on the Sunday, not Saturday.  

The OP also said he wants his wife to come so his dad can see the kids, (because the OP can't deal with both), not because he wants his wife's support in dealing with the decline in his father's health. 

The impression I got is it has only recently become terminal and that this issue (and the resentment) has been building much longer. So the OPs portrayal of the wife's attitude could be that of regular visits rather than terminal or deathbed visits. 

Yes, he also said she sits there huffing and puffing, being rude and wanting to go home. Most people with a soul wouldn't need to be asked to offer a little support in a situation like that anyway. 

ripplyuk

Maskface said:

unholyangel said:

Maskface said:

unholyangel said:

I'm going to be blunt here, but I think there may (key word) be unreasonableness on both sides. 

Have you ever done the cooking (or other things her faith doesn't permit) on saturdays? If so, what was her response/reaction? 

Does your wife cope with both kids on her own? Does she do all the cooking? Who does the cleaning? 

I'm not saying this is the case, just looking for possible explanations for her behaviour, but if she does deal with both children, does the cooking etc and doesn't get any/much help with it from you and you can't visit your dad without her.....she may be feeling like she has 3 children, not 2. Could also explain the comment about not being with you and her suddenly finding a faith that prohibits work being done on a certain day (so she has an excuse to have a break).

While it's entirely unreasonable for the wife to expect everyone in the family to follow her religion, is that what's happening here? It's unclear from your posts whether she is telling you and the kids you can't go out etc or whether you feel you  can't go out because you want her to come help with the kids etc and she doesn't want to so no one ends up going out.

Consider this, YOU want her to accompany YOU to see your dad, for the length of time YOU decided appropriate, because YOU want to take both kids but YOU can't cope with both kids. Where is the flexibility and compromise from YOU? (ie alternating children or going alone on Sunday when kids are busy with their things). 

Caps used to emphasise the word only, not having a go at you...again this is just trying to think where your wife could be coming from and I'm not saying any of this is actually fact. 

Perhaps he just thought she might be a bit supportive now his dad is dying. It's not that unreasonable an expectation of your wife. 

Hang on, the OP said his wife WILL come with him, but only on the Sunday, not Saturday.  

The OP also said he wants his wife to come so his dad can see the kids, (because the OP can't deal with both), not because he wants his wife's support in dealing with the decline in his father's health. 

The impression I got is it has only recently become terminal and that this issue (and the resentment) has been building much longer. So the OPs portrayal of the wife's attitude could be that of regular visits rather than terminal or deathbed visits. 

Yes, he also said she sits there huffing and puffing, being rude and wanting to go home. Most people with a soul wouldn't need to be asked to offer a little support in a situation like that anyway. 

As a one-off, yes most people would be supportive but it sounds like this has been going on for some time. Not everyone is close to their in-laws or enjoys spending time with them. Since Sunday is the only day OP’s wife has to to catch up on cooking/housework etc, I’m not surprised she resents having to give up so much of her time that day. It also sounds like she is the one doing most of the cooking and cleaning. 

OP, you need to learn to manage both children by yourself. Not just for visiting your dad but also in case you and your wife split up eventually. I think it’s unreasonable for you to expect her to visit your dad on any regular basis but I also think it’s unreasonable for your wife to expect you to pander to her religious restrictions. If she wants to do nothing every Saturday then that’s fine but don’t let her dictate what YOU do. 

unholyangel

Maskface said:

unholyangel said:

Maskface said:

unholyangel said:

I'm going to be blunt here, but I think there may (key word) be unreasonableness on both sides. 

Have you ever done the cooking (or other things her faith doesn't permit) on saturdays? If so, what was her response/reaction? 

Does your wife cope with both kids on her own? Does she do all the cooking? Who does the cleaning? 

I'm not saying this is the case, just looking for possible explanations for her behaviour, but if she does deal with both children, does the cooking etc and doesn't get any/much help with it from you and you can't visit your dad without her.....she may be feeling like she has 3 children, not 2. Could also explain the comment about not being with you and her suddenly finding a faith that prohibits work being done on a certain day (so she has an excuse to have a break).

While it's entirely unreasonable for the wife to expect everyone in the family to follow her religion, is that what's happening here? It's unclear from your posts whether she is telling you and the kids you can't go out etc or whether you feel you  can't go out because you want her to come help with the kids etc and she doesn't want to so no one ends up going out.

Consider this, YOU want her to accompany YOU to see your dad, for the length of time YOU decided appropriate, because YOU want to take both kids but YOU can't cope with both kids. Where is the flexibility and compromise from YOU? (ie alternating children or going alone on Sunday when kids are busy with their things). 

Caps used to emphasise the word only, not having a go at you...again this is just trying to think where your wife could be coming from and I'm not saying any of this is actually fact. 

Perhaps he just thought she might be a bit supportive now his dad is dying. It's not that unreasonable an expectation of your wife. 

Hang on, the OP said his wife WILL come with him, but only on the Sunday, not Saturday.  

The OP also said he wants his wife to come so his dad can see the kids, (because the OP can't deal with both), not because he wants his wife's support in dealing with the decline in his father's health. 

The impression I got is it has only recently become terminal and that this issue (and the resentment) has been building much longer. So the OPs portrayal of the wife's attitude could be that of regular visits rather than terminal or deathbed visits. 

Yes, he also said she sits there huffing and puffing, being rude and wanting to go home. Most people with a soul wouldn't need to be asked to offer a little support in a situation like that anyway. 

No. OP said when he asks her to go so he can take the children to see his dad, she huffs and then pleads for them to leave early.  Not that she sits there huffing and puffing while visiting. 

He said (of visiting) she sits to the side almost impatiently, doesnt really interact with him more than giving short answers and reminds him of the time every now and then. 

But I don't think there's any indication of how long the visits are. Just that the wife tends to start reminding him of the time around 3/4pm. 

Nor is there any indication of how long dad has left. 

I'd remind you I said there may be unreasonableness on both sides. There doesn't have to be one in the right and one in the wrong.

I've known (and lost) people who were terminal for years. For the very end of life, yes I'd expect my spouse to offer to be there to support me personally and put whatever else on the back burner. But, I wouldn't expect them to tag along on every visit, especially in the longer term and especially if my only reason for asking them along was to look after the kids. 

prowla

Devout faithists can be the most selfish and bigoted people imaginable.

And it's always the atheists who are the ones at fault.