Is my wife being unreasonable?

Ms_Chocaholic

Deleted_User said:

To answer some of the questions. The children are 6 and 2. The youngest is just a bit of a handle; acts up in the car, refuses to hold hands when outside and more. Oldest is autistic and has ADHD. He's not much of an handful being older but them both together, I don't feel safe travelling long distances with them.

I've spoken to the wife before about it but she's won't budge. Once I asked if it was permitted for her to travel if we don't buy anything to eat or let anyone cook for us. I got a 30 minute monologue about her faith, how people keep trying to change her and she isn't changing for anybody. 

Oh yeah, she also told me that if we met now, she wouldn't be with me. Honestly don't know why she said that. 

Could you buy your 2 year old a toddler backpack with reins so you can keep hold of him/her when out and about so at least you know he's safe.  There's lots about, try Argos. 

Do you have a friend/sister/brother who could help you travel with the children?

sevenhills

Deleted_User said:

Oh yeah, she also told me that if we met now, she wouldn't be with me. Honestly don't know why she said that. 

It sounds that you are both struggling with this relationship, what was it like before she found religion?
Things are really difficult when visiting sick relatives in hospital.

rincha

Maybe you need to do some deep thinking and find out the source of the problem/issue. Pinpoint exactly when she started changing, then sit down with her and ask her what made her change.

at the moment, it seems like we are only seeing the result of her change, i.e she wont come with me to see my dad, she wont do anything on a Saturday,  i have to do everything with the kids on sunday etc etc...these are all side effects of her change.

find out why she changed...cant be just a religion/faith/atheism
everyone believes in some kind of religion/faith/higher power or atheism but they also compromise.

KxMx

I can understand you not feeling safe to take both children out solo, might it help to do a few short outings to practice so you can build up your confidence? 

Keep_pedalling

rincha said:

...everyone believes in some kind of religion/faith/higher power.

I don’t, and neither do my fellow atheists. 

ABFG

Presumably this is Judaism and I've assumed so for the whole post.

The issue is that normally people have their faith and can discuss it before engaging in the serious relationship/marriage and agree on the parameters and how any differences would be resolved. In this case, that couldn't happen, which is the root of the issue. Effectively being lumbered with a change that wasn't expected. It would be interesting to know if any other disagreements related to any other issues are well discussed and resolved, or if there just haven't been many serious ones. To be honest it sounds very one sided and while entitled to pursue this, she has refused to do so in a way that minimises problems and impact on family. From what's been said it sounds as though some in depth conversations and decisions about the future are required.

As for the specific issue with travelling to see father there is a workaround. Many very religious Orthodox people/Rabbis will agree or accept that if a normally forbidden mode of transport is going somewhere anyway, and them using it has no influence in whether it would have gone anyway, then it can be permissible to use that transport. I'm sure you could get it confirmed by a source she would respect, particularly for this reason, that if driving the car is definitely being driven there anyway whether she comes or not, then she could get in and come with you - assuming the driver is not Jewish. Of course, if this could be done, on arrival she would still be subject to the litany of other rules.

As for other rules that are annoying you, there are permissible workarounds to some of the issues. Timer switches would allow appliances to come on and off on a Saturday, so cooking could be done then as it is often allowed to use already on appliances. This is one example, there are other workarounds that you may be able to find. 

TBagpuss

I wonder whether part of this isthat she doesn't want to stay at your dad's.

I think that you do need to look at alternatives  this might include you going to your dad's and leaving the childre nat home sometimes, and othe rtimes, going on a Friday and returning on the Sunday., or taking one ofthe childnre and leaving the other in her care - the childnre might benefit from some one-to-one time and it might also be less tiring for your dad for them to vist one at a time.

Presumably you and/or she could do some cooking at your dads, if you were there on a Sunday (get a cooler and you can trnasport stuff back home if ned be) or on evenings during the week - there's no reason it all hs to be ccrammed into Sunday.

Equally, it may be that you have to come to an agreement that you let some things go - maybe you use a bit more pre packaged foods, accept that the hosue won't be quite so pritine as normal, becuase you are dealing with  you r dad's terminal illness and that takes priority.

It might be worth you reading about her faith or arranging a mweting with her Rabbi / Priest to ask about the rules, it's possible that they would be able to confirm / explain to her  that exceptiomns might be available. (For example,  in Judiaism, it can be permissioble for a non-Jew to do work, many religions recognise exemptions to enaurethat childnre and the sick can be properly cared for, etc) 

(Also, depending on the faith and how active the comunity is, you may even find that they offer practical help - an active church or other religious community may be willing to come together to help out a family dealing with  illness or daeth, 

Think about practical alternatives. For insrtnce, would your budget run to getting a cleaner who could come in once a week (perhaps on a Thursday or  Friday) so there was less that needed to be done on the SUnday?

On a practical level, I would suggest getting reins (https://www.amazon.co.uk/Toddlers-Reins/s?k=Toddlers+Reins ) which let you keep your toddler safe even if they don't want to hold hands. 

She is not being unreasonable to wish to observe her faith, and it is appropriate for you to respect that,  however, it would be reasonable for her to be flexible about supporting your dad, and her supporting you as her husband, and how you balance your respective needs.

On a parctical level, travelling to your dad's to arrive before sunset on Friday, and returning on Subday so she is not breaking the sabbath, would be reasonable, she can then observe the sabbath at his home and you could if necessary, deal with cooking on saturday, however, then expecting you to leave early on Sunday would be much less reasonable,  reasonable accommodation on bre side might be to agree to do more on other weekday evenings.

And of course there is no reason why you should not do things like shopping, cooking, takingthe childnre ut on the Saturday, even if she doesn't want to or feels she can't. 

IS there sany reason why you couldn't go shopping , or clean, while she is attending any services, for example? 

london21

Deleted_User said:

Hi all

I'm starting to resent my wife but not sure if I need to be more accommodating or if she does. A few years ago, she came into a new religion and part of it means she can't do any work on a Saturday, or anything that requires people to work or spend money. This means the only recreation outside of the house is going for a walk or to the park. We can't invite people over or go out to visit.

The result of this is that our Sundays are spent cramming everything in; children activities, shopping, cleaning the house, cooking etc. We hardly go out as a family on these days as the wife is always keen to get home as early as possible so she can't start cooking and getting ready for work the next day. The result of this is me spending time or going out with older son whilst she stays homes with the other (I can't handle both by myself). 

The bit where I'm getting quite resentful is when it comes to visiting my family who are about 40 miles away. I've been making more of an effort to see my family monthly as 5-6 months will go by and I haven't seen anyone (time just goes so quick now).

My dad is almost 80 and has cancer, regularly in hospital etc. I usually visit him by myself on a Saturday as I can't travel with both kids. When I do see him with the kids, my wife will only come with me on a Sunday and this is where the resentment comes. 

Sunday is the day where the kids have their activities etc. and my wife's preference to cook for the week as she won't do it the Friday evening/Saturday. Every time I mention I want her to come with me so my dying dad can see the children, it's always followed by a huff and a plead for us to leave as early as possible. It really bugs me that she knows my dad is dying of cancer, but continues to make my time with him feel rushed. 

When we are all together, she sits to one side almost impatiently, doesn't really interact with me at all, keeps her answers short etc. and every now again will remind me of the time (we're talking 3/4pm here so nothing even late).

I've supported her where I can with this new faith, but to me she fails to be considerate. Today just had me really annoyed. Dad let me know his cancer has spread and he needs further chemotherapy. I ask for her to come with me so he can see the kids and the first thing that comes from her mouth is how we have to leave early because she's tired. Well, we could easily go on the Saturday (Friday even) and you can rest on Sunday but no! 

Really curious what religion this is now. Might be Judaism

Surely should not affect normal life to such extent.

You will have to slowly ease into taking both children out to gain some normality.

What was the relationship like before your wife found the new religion?

Something does not seem right, hopefully you can both work things out to have a balance family life. 

MalMonroe

I'm also very sorry to hear about your dad.

Does your wife also attend a church service on Saturdays? It'd be a bit strange if she observes a day of rest without actually going to a service. Seventh day adventists, as well as jewish people, also worship on a Saturday so I'm not swayed by the Judaism theory.

I agree with those who say you need to sit down and talk to her. It's not at all respectful to write about her on a public forum where nobody has heard her side of the story. As frustrating as things seem, you are not speaking to the right person.

You could also go to see a marriage counsellor or mediator because it seems that you both could do with getting things off your chest and finding out how some marriages can work successfully. Your wife was obviously dissatisfied with her previous home life as she sought something outside the home (and her two children) to give her a sense of value.

Please do talk to her, she's the one you need to tell these things to, not us.

Brie

I have to assume that somethings happening with your kids on the Saturdays - they are playing, watching TV, being fed?  Presumably this is done by you if she's not allowed to engage on her Sabbath?

For other posters - Seventh Day Adventists (at least the ones in my family) were allowed to travel on Saturdays, particularly for services.  Other religions like Judaism, Islam, Muslim, as I understand it, have restrictions from sun down on Friday to sun down on Saturday so travel, cooking, cleaning would be possible later in the day - not so easy though in the summer!