Debt and Caring

Cherryfudge

Good idea about the leggings, though care homes tend to be hot. If it works better with them, though, that's a win.

Annoying about the shifts. I hope you can get it changed. Should be possible as you're relief, or if not, when there were train strikes, other staff would offer lifts. I'd say no transport could be a safety issue, so that should get priority.

It's also really good thinking about prepping meals in advance. I often eat just before going to work, it helps me. I also put a snack in my bag in case I run late one day and can't eat first.

I'm sorry you get the sense of impending doom too. Caffeine can trigger that in me, but I'm sure lots of other things could cause it too. I found it helps to identify what's triggered it, and it can be very generalised, like going on holiday.

savingholmes

Well done on the shifts. Hope you manage to re-establish more balance soon.

WelshmansDaughter

Care homes are indeed hot. It wasn't too bad though with the leggings on.
Feeling like s**t. Was playing with Little Bulldog and managed to drop his head back somehow so it hit the floor with a thud. He seemed fine after a big cry but my paranoia and self hatred are in full swing.
It is especially bad after my first shift back went fairly ok in the end. Going out was a sensory overload. Went out to pick up my library books and look for a bed then had to go to Starbucks. When I came out I was in a full light blast so decided to walk to work to try and walk it off. 
By the time I got there I was just fairly numb and didn't have the mental space to stress about doing things wrong. And I enjoyed myself for the most part. I got tired with all the talking and the chaos but held it together.
Got up to see Small One before he went to nursery then back to bed. Feeling the legs from all the exertion so wound up doing nothing I had planned. Partially frustrated because it feels like one work day costs two life days. But also I like having the day to just read my book. So my friend won't have clean sheets in her flat when she arrives tomorrow, I haven't started taking my stuff out and I didn't go to the diy shop.
I did get a call about my remortgage and realised I was supposed to pay the final charge last week but didn't. On the bright side I now have no mortgage payment until June. On the downside, I had to put it on my credit card. I was doing this while having a conversation with Sister Act about money. D'oh. And once again getting the tone of the conversation wrong. 
It's tempting to let this overwhelm me. Or more accurately to say 'I'm a failure' and use it as an excuse not to do anything. But I won't.

Cherryfudge

You've fitted a lot in the last few days. If it's any comfort, I once dropped one of my kids while playing and he got a massive cut through his hair from hitting the hearth. And someone else I know was tossed in the air by a parent and narrowly missed a spiked lampshade. And it's a terrible feeling but they have come through it okay.

It's sounding as though you need to book a day or so off between each shift, but as you get into the swing of it, the effect lessens. I don't think it goes away, but more of the work becomes automatic so there's less to cope with. Would night shifts have less sensory impact?

WelshmansDaughter

I didn't even consider doing nights as they are twelve hours long and staffed by only three people. Thinking out loud, it would mean throwing my schedule off entirely for two days as well so I don't know if there would be a net gain. 
I don't think I will breathe easily about Little Bulldog for a while. It was something I already had worries about. I am overly conscious about potentially making avoidable errors when it comes to childcare. Which is strange as I did it for a living. I am tired though and that does affect my ability to think with perspective. 

savingholmes

Anyone around kids is likely to experience them having bumps and bruises. You can only do your best. I'd be the same though. They call it rumination. There are meds that can reduce the impact of that.

PennysIntoPounds

Little Bulldog will be fine. He won't be harmed and he won't resent you. Small accidents occur to everyone (especially kids!) and by everyone, and we all feel awful about them regardless!
I'm glad your shift went okay, that's really positive, well done you for booking it and doing it.
All the other things can be progressed tomorrow and if they're not then it's not an emergency.
I hope you wake up tomorrow ready to have a wonderful Wednesday ☺

Cherryfudge

WelshmansDaughter said:

I didn't even consider doing nights as they are twelve hours long and staffed by only three people. Thinking out loud, it would mean throwing my schedule off entirely for two days as well so I don't know if there would be a net gain. 
I don't think I will breathe easily about Little Bulldog for a while. It was something I already had worries about. I am overly conscious about potentially making avoidable errors when it comes to childcare. Which is strange as I did it for a living. I am tired though and that does affect my ability to think with perspective. 

You may find a smaller place looking for night staff? And it can vary a lot: what about a respite unit for children with special needs, perhaps? That's just off the top of my head: I think caring for older people would be more demanding as the care homes are generally a lot larger than children's care or support for people with disabilities. I did a couple of years of nights where the people had high support needs and there was a sleep-in (on call) member of staff but just me awake. I had certain things to do at certain times and that included health things for people, but generally it felt like being queen of my own little kingdom as it was peaceful and I could do jobs in an order that worked for me. I did a block of nights then had ten nights off, so plenty of recovery time.

Re childcare, I wonder if doing it for a living has made you more aware of avoidable errors? I still find I do a proper 'work handover' if I'm looking after my grand daughter, though her parents don't ask for it! Some work habits get entrenched. I can see that it's shaken you, but I am sure that over time your confidence will come back, and you are right, tiredness does throw perspective out.

doingitanyway

Echoing others in the smallest one will be ok so don't beat yourself up (although it is an understandable response)
Hoping you can find a solution to your work/balance issues soon

WelshmansDaughter

I am at the stage now where I understand my behaviour when it happens which is good. I decided to take LB on my own the next day so I didn't build up angst about it. It was a bit of a struggle but I've kept it up. 
Annoyingly I am back to square one with work. I had to call in sick on Friday as I had a tooth out on Thursday and had a strong reaction to it. I had a dentist appointment on Wednesday and Slightly Frightening Dentist said broken tooth had to come out and they had an appointment available the next day so I took it without thinking. I had plans to help my friend move on Thursday which I had to cancel but I had to go help on Friday so she could fly back and that knocked me for six. I've also picked up a cold- tested and dreaded lurgy free so I'm going to work today and tomorrow. This gives me a grand total of three shifts for the month of April. 
Slightly afraid to book any more shifts as I might be struck by lightning or come out in boils. 
Spent yesterday finishing up getting stuff out of my friend's flat and back to mine. She has given me her bed and mattress- I only managed to get the mattress out and fit into the car. Thankfully her neighbour came out and helped me get it down the stairs and across the road into the car. And luckily my neighbours were passing at the other end and had it out of the car and into the house in 2 minutes flat. 
I think I need a break from thinking about the flat renovations. I was thinking about it this morning and it has been on my mind on and off for the last four years. OR more accurately I need a break from thinking about it and trying to do it at the same time. Step back and see the bigger picture. It might be nice to do a few projects that will add to my enjoyment rather than just constantly thinking about the hard stuff that I can't do now.
Also it is past time to focus on earning some money.