Debt and Caring

WelshmansDaughter

I've decided that intangible replaces invisible as he is quite visible to me still.
Restful day didn't really come off as I didn't sleep well and ended up binging on caffeine. Made some progress when the caffeine kicked in but all in all a frustrating day. I'm not really sleeping well at the moment. And teacup being here is making me jittery.
Keep looking at last minute holidays. The only problem is I don't want to come back.

savingholmes

WelshmansDaughter said:

Keep looking at last minute holidays. The only problem is I don't want to come back.

Do you have to come back to where you are now? Is it too early to consider returning to your flat? Do you know where you want to be or is your brain fried (like mine would be) and you just feel overwhelmed and want to escape?

WelshmansDaughter

All of the above and more SH.
Finally accepted this morning that part of my asd profile includes PDA. 
And it's father's day. 

Cherryfudge

A hard day to have foisted on you, @WelshmansDaughter. I can only suggest it's a day you might want to do something either that your dad might have chosen, or that is entirely 'you', but neither of these might be right for you. This is one I've found gets easier over time as it wasn't personal to my Dad - but it didn't used to be celebrated as much as it is now, so I had fewer associations to cope with.

I see demand avoidance quite clearly in me, but I haven't yet worked out how best to deal with it. It's like having the brakes going on if I have to go out of my comfort zone, and that's presumably going to happen regardless of psychological tactics (and believe me, I have a few of those).

WelshmansDaughter

Those type of holidays are not my type of thing either Cherry. But with dad needing a bit extra love I have marked them the last two years. I bought a little no 1 dad rosette and put it on the urn. I have just returned from the mountains where I had a little walk and a cry. 

Much of the day was spent on my laptop writing about pda which was enjoyable.
Most of my projects are at the suspended stage so I bought a number of things for unblocking. 

Now outside in the hammock with my weighted blanket, a non alcoholic beer, a cupcake and the candle I burn for dad. 

savingholmes

That sounds therapeutic - both the walk in the mountains and the whole hammock and candle deal.

On PDA - I think it's the wrong time for you to assess yourself. You are at a stage of complete overwhelm and grief. When you recover from the exhaustion of being a carer for so long - with very little support - then you can assess whether you really have PDA or whether you are practicing self-care. When I've been burning myself out for too long - then I can completely crash. Now I know that - I rarely get as bad any more but when the kids were younger it was a real issue for me. I struggle with things like posting packages and doing returns... so there's an element of it for me - but not for everything.

WelshmansDaughter

A good point SH.

At the start of the week, it looked like this:
M: Work
T: Work
W: Art interview
T: Gig job zoom call

I did Monday. It went as well as you would expect the combination of heat, tiredness, 4 year old tantrums and 2 more children to go. 
On the bright side, I had m and s food to eat.

Tuesday. Tuesday plummeted. And I decided to go with the path I'm on and not the path I think I should be on. So I cancelled everything and booked the train to go home to Scotland. I have no return planned, we'll just see how I go.

Cherryfudge

Listening to yourself is (in my experience) a difficult thing to do. How to tell which is your voice among all the stuff going on? Going back to Scotland could give you headspace... when do you go?

The children sound like really hard work.

savingholmes

Hugs. I know when I reached my breaking point - I had to go away pretty much by myself for 2-3 weeks before I could remotely cope with others.... Getting out in nature, swimming in the sea, colouring helped a lot...

WelshmansDaughter

I got a sail rail ticket and went on Wednesday night. It seemed a fitting date as it was the solstice and dad always remarked on it. 
There were a few bumps, journey ended up with an hour over run. 
The first thing I thought when I came out of the station? Dad is dead. 
I stayed this first night in a hotel, went to bed at 8 after a bath and woke up just before 7. 
Woke up with a heart rate of about 90 and my thoughts are well, panicked in nature. Gotta do this, gotta do that. The curse of anxious thinking, if you sleep well you just have more energy to think anxiously. 
I can recognize it, so thats something. 
Im just having a cup of tea in bed then a bath. Then to breakfast.
Pretty much every thought is making me panic at the moment, so I am just going with what to do in the immediate next. 
Baby steps