Me vs my wife

MalMonroe

You are talking to the wrong people here. You need to talk to your wife, not about her to a bunch of strangers. 

Apart from helping you as best she could and now working and enjoying herself, she has actually given birth five times. Giving birth is no mean feat and the recovery is no picnic, either. I've done it once and I take my hat off to your wife for doing it five times and still being able to help you, within her limits. Raising children is no picnic either. Five of them under 10. It's not easy. No wonder she's enjoying her job, where she is appreciated. 

You and your wife are in this together, or you should be. Yet it sounds as if you are on one side, she's on the other - the title of your thread is dreadful.

There is more to life than money and material possessions. You say you have worked hard but what do you think your wife has been doing? You say she's disorganised and doesn't do certain things (drive or take care of money, muck in with the business you are running, etc.) Her work is obviously a great outlet for her - gets her away from you and the children - and makes her feel good, while at the same time earning some money. (Sadly, not enough in your opinion.)

If you don't start talking to your wife very soon, you could be having a separation and divorce to cope with, on top of everything else. Your resentment is clear but your work/life balance is out of kilter. If you could both just sit down and discuss matters and try to come to a mutually satisfactory way forward, you may be able to stop working full out and she (although not knowing she does) would stop annoying you.

Also, a simple whiteboard in the kitchen where your wife could write down her working days and hours each week might be helpful as a starting point. You could also do with a family PA and a nanny, or somebody is going to have a major breakdown before too long.

MalMonroe

diystarter7 said:

ComicGeek said:

As a man, a business owner and a father, I'm absolutely staggered by this thread - feels like something from the distant past not a modern relationship.

Firstly your wife has been critical in supporting your (not her's) dream of creating a business for many years - you admit that you can't do it without her help, even though you belittle the help she has provided. 

Secondly you should be encouraging her to do a role outside of family life that fulfills her regardless of income - it just comes across that you want a robot at home to work around you, not an actual human being with their own needs and dreams. 5 kids under 10? She deserves a medal, not your contempt! 

Thirdly you work Thursday to Sunday, and have Monday to Wednesday off? So you don't actually see your 5 kids at the weekend much then, and that all falls on her again - then you have 3 nice days off while the kids are at school and wonder what all the fuss is about...  

Nothing staggering at all.
OP is seeking unbiased advice rather than washing his laundry with friends and family who often bite back sooner or later.

OP was clear it was a joint decision as his wife was happy to stay at home and bring up the kids.

OP has a point re income and as we all only know too well, we need even more money than before just to run a home
and it's only going to get worse.

The wife could even work as a volunteer if they could afford this but they can and the point of the OP as I see it is, that he wanted her to be happier but the wife forgot the side of income that is funding the family's lifestyle.

About retail work, it can be rewarding if you are that kind of person and like meeting people making new friends, go out after work, parties.etc but what the OP stated re working days, I agree with the OP as the shift pattern/rotta is not really there for people/couples that have to manage a child never mind 5.

My wife loved her job at the local supermarket, it was local and just walked there and back 5 mins and i picked her up if it was late but then the shift/rota pattern was so unpredictable that we rarely got the weekend together and we both agreed she'd leave.
(TBH and not relating to the OP, I did get a bit jealous when she talked about a couple of guys and in particular one of them all of the time but having said that my wife had the same problem when I went out at work who were mainly women)

I can relate to the OP#'s post other than the business bit as I've never worked for myself but it is hard as we all know and all could be easily lost.

OP should be seeking unbiased advice from his wife, rather than washing any laundry in public. He hasn't been given unbiased advice here anyway.

'The wife' might not want to work as a volunteer. She has a paid job.

I feel sorry for your wife, having to give up a job that she enjoyed. What a shame she didn't drive. One of the very best things I ever did was learn how to drive. Especially after my marriage broke down. I would never have wanted - and still don't - anyone to pick me up from anywhere. 

A bit of jealousy isn't a bad thing, keeps you on your toes. (Except in my case, things went very askew . .  oh well!)  At least your wife told you about the people she worked with. Didn't mean she was going to run off with any of them. 

Honeysucklelou2

Having been in the situation of being a mum to 6 under 10s, the amount of work you need to do just to keep on top of the laundry, cooking and cleaning is phenomenal. It’s pretty relentless and can be easily not valued. At the time I worked outside of the home in a business with my then husband. I worked my hours around school and pre-school hours and did the rest of the admin work when they were in bed.

Fast forward a few years and I became the breadwinner...I employed a someone to help me cover 3 days after school childcare ( wraparound hadn’t reached our village school at that point).

Many mums of large families have to work, whether they want to be at home or not. Organisation and communication is key as is appreciating what each is doing.  In our home, now as a single parent, I talk through the week with the family eachSunday,  so that everyone knows who is where and we can talk through any issues with commitment clashes or transport needs. Writing these up on a board or a calendar also helps. I can see that not knowing your wife’s working rota is tricky but talking through the week can help to solve problems.

prowla

Honeysucklelou2 said:

Having been in the situation of being a mum to 6 under 10s, the amount of work you need to do just to keep on top of the laundry, cooking and cleaning is phenomenal. It’s pretty relentless and can be easily not valued. At the time I worked outside of the home in a business with my then husband. I worked my hours around school and pre-school hours and did the rest of the admin work when they were in bed.

Fast forward a few years and I became the breadwinner...I employed a someone to help me cover 3 days after school childcare ( wraparound hadn’t reached our village school at that point).

Many mums of large families have to work, whether they want to be at home or not. Organisation and communication is key as is appreciating what each is doing.  In our home, now as a single parent, I talk through the week with the family eachSunday,  so that everyone knows who is where and we can talk through any issues with commitment clashes or transport needs. Writing these up on a board or a calendar also helps. I can see that not knowing your wife’s working rota is tricky but talking through the week can help to solve problems.

Maybe the best approach would be to ditch the business, tell the wife life is more than just money, and let her be the breadwinner instead.

Lavendyr

diystarter7 said:

Lavendyr said:

I think we agree, @Retireinten, in that the husband and wife need to talk to one another and compromise. 

We are also only hearing the husband's side. So I don't think we can judge accurately whether the wife is being supportive or not. 

Lavendyr said:

I think we agree, @Retireinten, in that the husband and wife need to talk to one another and compromise. 

We are also only hearing the husband's side. So I don't think we can judge accurately whether the wife is being supportive or not. 

The husband has posted and I agree they need to talk to each other.  I for one don't need to hear the other side and this could have easily been the wife posting and the same stance would have applied.

I think it's just hard to offer an unbiased opinion if you only hear one (biased) side. I suspect there is more going on here than we know, and while on a forum we have to take what we read at face value, I think that there is a clear message here i.e. miscommunication. I think the title of the thread is telling and uncomfortable and the OP would be best talking to his wife and seeking direct support from a couples counsellor or similar. Not here. 

diystarter7

Lavendyr said:

diystarter7 said:

Lavendyr said:

I think we agree, @Retireinten, in that the husband and wife need to talk to one another and compromise. 

We are also only hearing the husband's side. So I don't think we can judge accurately whether the wife is being supportive or not. 

Lavendyr said:

I think we agree, @Retireinten, in that the husband and wife need to talk to one another and compromise. 

We are also only hearing the husband's side. So I don't think we can judge accurately whether the wife is being supportive or not. 

The husband has posted and I agree they need to talk to each other.  I for one don't need to hear the other side and this could have easily been the wife posting and the same stance would have applied.

I think it's just hard to offer an unbiased opinion if you only hear one (biased) side. I suspect there is more going on here than we know, and while on a forum we have to take what we read at face value, I think that there is a clear message here i.e. miscommunication. I think the title of the thread is telling and uncomfortable and the OP would be best talking to his wife and seeking direct support from a couples counsellor or similar. Not here. 

True but as you said there is more going on than stated here.
It is important to remember that the husband has posted in detail and this takes time and effort so credit to him.
I'm safely guess and as hinted in his post he has spoken with her but I fear the wifes found a new lease of life and nothing wrong with that as long as she does not forget the sacrifices the husband has made and is making.
By all accounts, the OP is a husband that I would want if I was a woman.

Abbafan1972

crispy99 said:

HampshireH said:

Agree that it would be helpful if your wife had set days.

Disagree the should entirely be capped at 3 days Monday to weds and not over lap one of your working days.

Arrange childcare.

How old are the children? 

Your posts sounds insensitive & controlling but I think you are genuinely struggling with change whilst your wife is embracing it.

Thanks for replying, yeah it’s frustration getting the better of me. 

It’s a shame that clearly most people here think I’m being insensitive & controlling but you have to understand my wife has never wanted to work until now, does not want to deal with any bills, any problems, debt or any planning for the future. 

She has a driving license but can’t drive, a phone but literally can’t talk on it. So when I say I HAVE to deal with everything I actually have to. I thought this job would be great tackling some of the issues like her confidence and help meet new people. so went along with it just honestly didn’t expect it to get out of hand. 

I am so used to my routine it’s killing me trying to constantly remember what days she will work the next week. I can’t plan myself out, let alone staff. 

If you can’t remember what days she is working, then write it on a calendar on the fridge. 

The kids are all under 10, it’s not a walk in the park type of nanny job and paying someone would far outweigh what she earns. Would you do that? Would you go to work to loose money?

Sorry but the word is lose. 

See above 

Lavendyr

diystarter7 said:

Lavendyr said:

diystarter7 said:

Lavendyr said:

I think we agree, @Retireinten, in that the husband and wife need to talk to one another and compromise. 

We are also only hearing the husband's side. So I don't think we can judge accurately whether the wife is being supportive or not. 

Lavendyr said:

I think we agree, @Retireinten, in that the husband and wife need to talk to one another and compromise. 

We are also only hearing the husband's side. So I don't think we can judge accurately whether the wife is being supportive or not. 

The husband has posted and I agree they need to talk to each other.  I for one don't need to hear the other side and this could have easily been the wife posting and the same stance would have applied.

I think it's just hard to offer an unbiased opinion if you only hear one (biased) side. I suspect there is more going on here than we know, and while on a forum we have to take what we read at face value, I think that there is a clear message here i.e. miscommunication. I think the title of the thread is telling and uncomfortable and the OP would be best talking to his wife and seeking direct support from a couples counsellor or similar. Not here. 

True but as you said there is more going on than stated here.
It is important to remember that the husband has posted in detail and this takes time and effort so credit to him.
I'm safely guess and as hinted in his post he has spoken with her but I fear the wifes found a new lease of life and nothing wrong with that as long as she does not forget the sacrifices the husband has made and is making.
By all accounts, the OP is a husband that I would want if I was a woman.

Personally I'd prefer a husband who communicates with me, and if I was a man, I'd want a wife who did the same. It does take time & effort to set out your thoughts on a forum, but it takes something extra, I think, on both sides, to take those thoughts to your partner and be open to compromise and change. 

I think the message has been made clear though - the only way to solve this is through communication on both sides. And almost certainly compromise too.