Me vs my wife

Pollycat

I find the title of your thread very telling.

And if this is how you are trying to discuss things with her, there's no wonder she's digging her heels in.

I can understand her wanting to extend her hours if she's really enjoying her job.
Does she really have the choice of hours and days that she works?
You've made it sound like she's deliberately choosing hours/days that are inconvenient to you.

[Deleted User]

crispy99 said:

the4tails said:

Astounded by what I have just read. The audacity. The misogyny. You have zero respect for your wife and what she has done for you and your family. She deserves better. 

Triggered much? What planet are you on. I’m a real man going out doing real work, earning a real living for my family. I do my share of housework and get on fine looking after the kids. This thread was about how to handle her working ever changing days and hours while trying to run a very busy and stressful business. 

Jog on

Handle her !!!!! your wife is not a dog!! God fobid she doesnt see this thread and what youve said about her!

Flugelhorn

Suspect Mrs Crispy99 is having a great time at work, loving every minute of the adult company and not having to hear how well her husband's business is going 

Emmia

crispy99 said:

BrassicWoman said:

It sounds like you don't want any of the hassle of running a home and family. And that she may be tired of the sacrifices she has made to support your business. 

Did she also hate her life before her job? Ask her. Maybe she doesn't care about your business. (It's yours, not hers too, seems like.) Maybe she really doesn't care about money; or much less than you do. 

Investing in a relationship that'll see you to a happy retirement is, to many,  so much more important than money. You seem to have opposite views on this. 

She's also allowed to find out that five kids is not really what she thought it would be, and to want different things for herself.

"the last 6 months I’ve smashed it and proved I can do both". - you make this sounds like a test/ competition. When it's j
just a thing parents do. 

Don't judge the worth of her job, to her, by the cash contribution. Clearly, she gets something from it that she was not getting before. 

You need to talk about how what you both want has changed since you first got together. What are BOTH your dreams?

I appreciate your reply but can’t agree on the first part. I love being a father and a husband that provides so it’s no hassle. But running a demanding business at the same time is torture. I don’t have any qualifications so I’d be insane in thinking there’s alternative jobs out there for me to afford living in the south east. 

Your absolutely right about her not caring about the business, I pretty much call it mine nowadays as she doesn’t care about it. Unable to help pick up calls and refuses to drive to the warehouse. I’ve tried so many times to get her involved and she would earn much much more.

why would a mum choose to put their whole family’s future on the line for the sake of 500 a month. She gets praised at work for doing a good job which I suppose you can say she doesn’t get at home although I’ve always tried my best to support her. Doesn’t make sense to me.

Its your business, and so really your problem to sort out - not relying on your wife as some sort of unpaid skivvy to do stuff that perhaps she sees as being dumped on her, last minute that you're "too busy for" (aka beneath you)

If the business is now too much for you to handle alone, then you need to employ someone else. That's no bad thing, so do that and grow the business more.

Your wife works outside the home probably because she gets to have a degree of financial independence, and adult company that doesn't relate to the home, the business, you, or the kids - she wants to be "Jane" rather than "Mum"  "Mrs Crispy", " business dogsbody" etc.

From her perspective it's probably also a bit suffocating if its the same 6 other people the whole time... and you being her "boss" as well is just too much - getting praise and validation elsewhere, is probably also really valuable for her self esteem. 

Edit: it also doesn't matter to her that she'd earn more working in the business. If she did that she'd still be stuck with the same 6 people, talking about the same things over and over again - no escape.

Spendless

The problem seems to be that your wish for your wife to work minimal hours and set days/times is at odds with the type of job she does. This is commonplace in retail. Since you have worked in that industry at both shopfloor and managerial level, I don't understand why this wasn't thought about in advance of your wife taking the job.

Eg, when my 2 kids were Primary school age, their school which was a few mins walk from our house had wrap around care from 7.30am - 6pm 51 weeks of the year (and the 52nd - the week in between Xmas and NY when no shop worker gets it off, was one Mr S could easily book as annual leave). Mr S was away o/n for 40% of the working week. I still would not consider applying for  retail work because if a place had opening hours outside those times I wouldn't be able to do those shifts. Even if I applied for a ojb in one of the town centre shops they still mostly have 5.30pm closing and again I couldn't have got back in time for the childcare closure.  I was also aware that whatever hours my contract said, I would be put down to do more (double it is often a good guess) and that the rota only comes out so far in advance and is still subject to last minute changes. Instead I went down the route of going back to admin work, which tends to have set days/times. The disadvantage of this is that in my area this tends to be f-time work only that is available. I've also worked with women as a school lunch supervisor, not many hours and middle of the day but had the advantage they worked when their kids were at school.

Surely you must have been aware of the negatives that retail work would fetch to your home life? 

sheramber

I am so used to my routine it’s killing me trying to constantly remember what days she will work the next week. I can’t plan myself out, let alone staff. 

That is the root of the problem. You don't want to change your routine.

It is not your wife's problem that you cannot remember when she will be working, so you cannot plan ahead.  

After 11 years your wife has found the need for change in her life. She is just as entitled  as you to do what she finds fulfilling in her life.

Marriage is meant to be a partnership not 'me versus my wife.'

boxofpaws

Whether your wife cares for the business or not, it’s currently that business that is providing security for the family and a lifestyle you both seem to like. I am not sure what is so unreasonable about asking a partner in a relationship to commit to the days they will look after the children but I’m not a parent so can’t be sure. Surely most marriages work better with compromise and collaboration, that works with or without children.  I can see you want to give your wife freedom and autonomy but I would have thought that with 5 children, a routine is absolutely critical. It’s a dilemma indeed.

Is she happy to make the lifestyle adjustments if you were to wind up the business? Is that the risk here? To get/do something that can work around her job?

pinkshoes

I think some people are being a little harsh on the OP here and partaking in man-bashing!

I can see this from both sides.

The OP has a business and brings in the majority of the income. 

His wife wants a job and no longer wants to be a SAHM. Fair enough. 

The issue here is the job that the wife has chosen is not a good fit with the OPs business due to its sporadic hours. 

If the OP sold his business and took a job that fitted with his wife's hours then they couldn't afford the rent. 

I appreciate that the wife wants a job, but something has to give here. She needs to find a job that fits with the OPs job.

Is it possible for her to work full time and earn enough for the OP to then do a different job (give up the business) and do the majority of the childcare?

turnitround

pinkshoes said:

I think some people are being a little harsh on the OP here and partaking in man-bashing!

I can see this from both sides.

The OP has a business and brings in the majority of the income. 

His wife wants a job and no longer wants to be a SAHM. Fair enough. 

The issue here is the job that the wife has chosen is not a good fit with the OPs business due to its sporadic hours. 

If the OP sold his business and took a job that fitted with his wife's hours then they couldn't afford the rent. 

I appreciate that the wife wants a job, but something has to give here. She needs to find a job that fits with the OPs job.

Is it possible for her to work full time and earn enough for the OP to then do a different job (give up the business) and do the majority of the childcare?

I think the Op is getting a hard time as well but he does come across as a bit 'My way or the highway'. However, why on earth would it be a good idea for the Op to give up what seems to be a lucrative business which has given them a decent standard of living in order for his wife to go full time in a job which will not pay as well.

london21

To be practical they have to balance income and Fulfilment. 

The OP is the breadwinner, majority of the household income. 

It isn't unreasonable to find a retail job with fixed days and hours. 

OP is getting frustrated with the situation, everyone deals with stressful situations differently.

Looking after and providing for a family of 7 isn't easy and needs a lot of financial stability hence stress and pressure.

Hopefully both can work together to reach a plan that works well for both.