Me vs my wife

crispy99

the4tails said:

Astounded by what I have just read. The audacity. The misogyny. You have zero respect for your wife and what she has done for you and your family. She deserves better. 

Triggered much? What planet are you on. I’m a real man going out doing real work, earning a real living for my family. I do my share of housework and get on fine looking after the kids. This thread was about how to handle her working ever changing days and hours while trying to run a very busy and stressful business. 

Jog on

HampshireH

Agree that it would be helpful if your wife had set days.

Disagree the should entirely be capped at 3 days Monday to weds and not over lap one of your working days.

Arrange childcare.

How old are the children? 

Your posts sounds insensitive & controlling but I think you are genuinely struggling with change whilst your wife is embracing it.

crispy99

HampshireH said:

Agree that it would be helpful if your wife had set days.

Disagree the should entirely be capped at 3 days Monday to weds and not over lap one of your working days.

Arrange childcare.

How old are the children? 

Your posts sounds insensitive & controlling but I think you are genuinely struggling with change whilst your wife is embracing it.

Thanks for replying, yeah it’s frustration getting the better of me. 

It’s a shame that clearly most people here think I’m being insensitive & controlling but you have to understand my wife has never wanted to work until now, does not want to deal with any bills, any problems, debt or any planning for the future. 

She has a driving license but can’t drive, a phone but literally can’t talk on it. So when I say I HAVE to deal with everything I actually have to. I thought this job would be great tackling some of the issues like her confidence and help meet new people. so went along with it just honestly didn’t expect it to get out of hand. 

I am so used to my routine it’s killing me trying to constantly remember what days she will work the next week. I can’t plan myself out, let alone staff. 

The kids are all under 10, it’s not a walk in the park type of nanny job and paying someone would far outweigh what she earns. Would you do that? Would you go to work to loose money?  

BrassicWoman

crispy99 said:

 Would you do that? 

What matters is what your wife would do.

Flugelhorn

crispy99 said:

I am so used to my routine it’s killing me trying to constantly remember what days she will work the next week. I can’t plan myself out, let alone staff. 

The kids are all under 10, it’s not a walk in the park type of nanny job and paying someone would far outweigh what she earns. Would you do that? Would you go to work to loose money?  

Big chart on the wall - that is how we coped with working (odd hours / on call / extra meetings etc etc + kids ) if it wasn't on the chart it didn't exist.

I know plenty of people who carry on working and have little left over at the end of the month if any, usually because they want to continue and progress their careers - seems a nightmare at the time but is worth it in the end 

bouicca21

On an income of £75k I’d have thought it reasonably easy to pay for some back up childcare.  And yes when I first went back to work after being a stay at home mum, I made no money at all because the childcare equalled my pay.  But I did it anyway - I needed to get out and use my brain, and in the medium term (not even the long run) it paid off because I was able to progress.  

theoretica

It isn't uncommon for the entirety of one wage to go on childcare - working isn't just about the money, and it may pay off in higher earnings later.  You mentioned local family - could they help out on one or two days a week if needed? 

You could have a system where - for instance - you were first call responsible for the children on Monday and Tuesday, they went to a child minder on Wednesday and Thursday regardless of work patterns, Friday and Saturday your wife looked after them and Sunday you asked for family help if needed.  It would give the children stability and a pattern, your wife (and you) available to work most days of the week, give both of you some time off from childrening when not working and let you find a nanny or equivalent without needing vast flexibility.

[Deleted User]

@crispy99 I do see where you're coming from. The biggest part of this is finding a way to work as a 'team' towards the best for the family, and something that works for both of you. It sounds like barriers are going up around this in all directions.

I think a family of 7 is an added pressure. 

We are a family of 4 and in the early days of our careers and complete lack of funds we very much worked together in the way you are describing. I worked through weekends as my dh worked through the week. We didn't see each other much but the kids were covered and it was short term but we decided that together. 

At different points we have both supported the other with a career decision that perhaps was less funds but more fulfilling, and also decided when that wasn't a feasible option. Again, together. We are far from perfect as a couple and a family but recognise that we can't work on these areas alone.

We do both now have good careers and both work from home, with teenagers in tow which isn't easy! My other half works a lot of odd hours due to International time differences and I work more in the week. He's also studying full time at uni at the same time. But we work with it. I am currently taking on more of the mum-taxi / parent duties probably than dh whilst working full time but I find I can flick between tasks easier than dh can so we deliberately take different tasks on. I do think it's a female thing that you can multi-task, juggle different tasks, business brain / parent brain. Not always easy but do-able.

I've realised the difference watching my dh's frustrations. He needs routine like you (definite Virgo!) and needs quiet, order and focus for things to work for him. It does frustrate me. But I have realised that his head just ticks in a different way and sometimes what I think is selfish isn't meant to be. And also I know this is only temporary and when I need more support in a different way then he would give it. Perhaps your partner needs to understand that she is valued and it doesn't always need to work around you but you are finding things tough, rather than at the moment it's perhaps sounding a bit more demanding?

missbunbury

I don't understand why you seem to have not thought of using childcare, if you're not able to make it work without? Surely that's the obvious answer? 

74jax

You have both helped (in some way) create a family business with employees and an income of 75k.

She's realised her own self worth is worth more than that. And she doesn't care for the business. 

Do you spend the same amount of time growing your marriage as you do the business? It's just a question but maybe she feels you don't?

The pandemic had changed many people, I gave up my very good job/salary and I've never looked back. Never underestimate the feeling of thanks and praise. I volunteered for a year and felt better and more worthwhile in that year than I did earning £x a year. I now help out on minimum wage in a local community school. That minimum wage brings much more contentment than my other job. 

You are focusing on the family business, she is focusing on herself.

You both need to sit down. Talk. And find a way where you both put effort into the family (not into work).  She be finding she actually prefers to be independent and is growing apart from what you want.

You need to discuss it now.