Me vs my wife

crispy99

I’m actually going crazy with this so appreciate everyone’s opinions!

11 years married and 5 kids, We live in the south east where rent is 1700 a month, nothing special 3 bed house. 

She got a job in retail 12 hours per week after discussing this together it would be really good to boost her confidence and to get out the house it would also motivate me to do more with the kids and I could only imagine she would love me to see how hard life is at home. 

The thing is I’ve worked extremely hard over the last 8 years to build a business while working full time delivering into london. I run a hire business also which can be incredibly stressful managing seasonal staff, drivers, bookings and constant calls. Somehow, I’ve managed to earn about 75k a year which used to feel amazing and she was so happy we weren’t struggling. We would go away twice a year and always afford anything we need. 

So 6 months in to this new retail job 12 hours has turned to 18-20 hours over 4 days and it could literally be any 4 days. I’ve been supportive but to a point that I do have a moan about it sometimes when her hours or days change. I’ve had a blast doing the school runs a d taking the kids out, sorting the house and feeding them, I’d love it much more if I didn’t have the financial pressure of the family on my shoulders at the same time.

Inside im so angry that I’ve worked so hard for my wife to put a minimum wage job before the business. Somehow she’s found a retail job where her managers and all the staff are amazingly laid back and everyone has a perfect life there, honestly she couldn’t of found an easier job. I’ve asked countless times for her to talk to someone and explain our situation and work some better days and regular times out but she doesn’t want to do that. She has done well impressing them and I know how retail works, all it takes is a bit of effort from her to make some changes that’s best for both of us.

Her mentality is “plenty of couples work at the same time”

This is just a joke, we have 5 kids and she’s always maintained she wanted to be a stay at home mum. 

“Many husbands are capable of looking after their own kids”

She probably has had more pressure with the kids then I’ve ever had but the last 6 months I’ve smashed it and proved I can do both. 

”All husbands should do manage all the bills”

she’s awful at bills, does not care about them at all, she’s happily bankrupt.

I just literally hate my life right now, her job has only given her confidence against me. She’s doesn’t care about the business or our future. I really feel lost in life and need to know what’s normal for a working family.

BrassicWoman

It sounds like you don't want any of the hassle of running a home and family. And that she may be tired of the sacrifices she has made to support your business. 

Did she also hate her life before her job? Ask her. Maybe she doesn't care about your business. (It's yours, not hers too, seems like.) Maybe she really doesn't care about money; or much less than you do. 

Investing in a relationship that'll see you to a happy retirement is, to many,  so much more important than money. You seem to have opposite views on this. 

She's also allowed to find out that five kids is not really what she thought it would be, and to want different things for herself.

"the last 6 months I’ve smashed it and proved I can do both". - you make this sounds like a test/ competition. When it's j
just a thing parents do. 

Don't judge the worth of her job, to her, by the cash contribution. Clearly, she gets something from it that she was not getting before. 

You need to talk about how what you both want has changed since you first got together. What are BOTH your dreams?

crispy99

BrassicWoman said:

It sounds like you don't want any of the hassle of running a home and family. And that she may be tired of the sacrifices she has made to support your business. 

Did she also hate her life before her job? Ask her. Maybe she doesn't care about your business. (It's yours, not hers too, seems like.) Maybe she really doesn't care about money; or much less than you do. 

Investing in a relationship that'll see you to a happy retirement is, to many,  so much more important than money. You seem to have opposite views on this. 

She's also allowed to find out that five kids is not really what she thought it would be, and to want different things for herself.

"the last 6 months I’ve smashed it and proved I can do both". - you make this sounds like a test/ competition. When it's j
just a thing parents do. 

Don't judge the worth of her job, to her, by the cash contribution. Clearly, she gets something from it that she was not getting before. 

You need to talk about how what you both want has changed since you first got together. What are BOTH your dreams?

I appreciate your reply but can’t agree on the first part. I love being a father and a husband that provides so it’s no hassle. But running a demanding business at the same time is torture. I don’t have any qualifications so I’d be insane in thinking there’s alternative jobs out there for me to afford living in the south east. 

Your absolutely right about her not caring about the business, I pretty much call it mine nowadays as she doesn’t care about it. Unable to help pick up calls and refuses to drive to the warehouse. I’ve tried so many times to get her involved and she would earn much much more.

why would a mum choose to put their whole family’s future on the line for the sake of 500 a month. She gets praised at work for doing a good job which I suppose you can say she doesn’t get at home although I’ve always tried my best to support her. Doesn’t make sense to me.

elsien

crispy99 said:

BrassicWoman said:

It sounds like you don't want any of the hassle of running a home and family. And that she may be tired of the sacrifices she has made to support your business. 

Did she also hate her life before her job? Ask her. Maybe she doesn't care about your business. (It's yours, not hers too, seems like.) Maybe she really doesn't care about money; or much less than you do. 

Investing in a relationship that'll see you to a happy retirement is, to many,  so much more important than money. You seem to have opposite views on this. 

She's also allowed to find out that five kids is not really what she thought it would be, and to want different things for herself.

"the last 6 months I’ve smashed it and proved I can do both". - you make this sounds like a test/ competition. When it's j
just a thing parents do. 

Don't judge the worth of her job, to her, by the cash contribution. Clearly, she gets something from it that she was not getting before. 

You need to talk about how what you both want has changed since you first got together. What are BOTH your dreams?

I appreciate your reply but can’t agree on the first part. I love being a father and a husband that provides so it’s no hassle. But running a demanding business at the same time is torture. I don’t have any qualifications so I’d be insane in thinking there’s alternative jobs out there for me to afford living in the south east. 

Your absolutely right about her not caring about the business, I pretty much call it mine nowadays as she doesn’t care about it. Unable to help pick up calls and refuses to drive to the warehouse. I’ve tried so many times to get her involved and she would earn much much more.

why would a mum choose to put their whole family’s future on the line for the sake of 500 a month. She gets praised at work for doing a good job which I suppose you can say she doesn’t get at home although I’ve always tried my best to support her. Doesn’t make sense to me.

The bit that you're not getting as this is not about the money for her. Yes having her own money that she's earned as opposed to relying on you may well be part of it, but a job can be so much more than that. It's about self worth and self esteem, being a person on your own right and not just mother/wife.  Having something else to talk about that's not home and family. Being valued for what she does outside of wife and mother. Having work relationships where she is on an equal footing with people.
I do understand that this change is not what you were expecting and has completely thrown you a curve ball that you are getting to grips with. And it wouldn't be unreasonable for her to ask her employer for more regular hours.

 But your phrase "her job has only given her confidence against me" is fairly telling. It's not (or it shouldn't be) you vs her. You are a partnership who should be working together for joint aims. Not your aims that she slots in with but how you both want your lives to be both now and in the future and that means compromises for both of you.
This is a communication issue. Your anger and your resentment are probably showing. Particularly if you've let your "I've smashed this" attitude come across to her, because that could come across as demeaning towards the stay at home mother that she was previously. 

You can sit down and talk about it, and what else this is about other than money. 
You can look at counselling either together or on your own if she's not up for it at this stage.
You can look at other ways to cover the gaps when she's at work - childcare for example. 
That's something you need to sort out between you. 

It doesn't matter what's normal for a working family. Some people love being at home with the children, others get to the stage where they want to blow their brains out with boredom.  What matters is both your expectations and how you are able to talk about and resolve these. 

TBagpuss

You seem to put a lot of importance on your success as a financial provider - maybe she felt that her contributions weren't valued or  simply finds being at home stifling.

It sounds as though perhaps the two of you need to talk about how you can meet both your needs moving forward. 

If you are earning £75,000 maybe one option would be to look at paying for help, whether by you employing someone in the business so you are not trying to do everything, or (or and!) thinking about help around the house, whether with child care or housework, so you ad your wife are not trying to do everything.

I'm not altogether surprised that you wife wants to work outside the home - being a fill time carer for 5 children is a huge amount of work, and being a stay at home parent can be very isolating.

You say you've 'had a blast' actually being with the children, doing school runs etc so it sounds as though perhaps the key problems are the pressure of work and the fact that her hours are variable so you may need to do things at short notice.

Maybe sit down and have a conversation about those things,  not in a way that assumes that she is the one who needs to change, but a genuine discussion about how you mange things and what happens if neither of you is available due to work commitments.

Also - you say you 'know how retail woks' and that 'all it would take is a bit of effort from her' but that's not necessarily true. If she's the most recent or one f the more recent hires she may well not yet have the 'capital' to allow her to be picky about which shifts she accepts, or may not feel confident enough to ask. It's not unreasonable for that to be part of the conversation. IF either of you is assuming that you can work the hours needed by you business / job and that the other will step in to care for the children then it sounds as though one thing you need is think about alternative child care arrangements for when you both need to work nd are not either of you available for the school run.

I'd also look at your finances. Is everything joint, is or her job giving her more financial independence than she had in the past? Even if things were always joint, did you both treat them that way, or do/did you expect her to justify her spending? There's nothing wrong with ensuring the essentials are covered, but it may be that a wider discussion about how you manage your finances, so that both of you have money of your own nd don't have to ask or justify to the other what you use it for may be worth looking at (this could be that you both pay your earnings into one account and pay the bills and other family expenses such as pension contributions, savings for holidays etc from that, and then have individual accounts and haver equal amounts transferred to each of you from the main account, so you each contribute and each get some personal money.

I'd suggest that you consider seeing RELATE or another option for couple's counselling to help you to discuss these issues and think about what each of you wants and needs from the relationship - it does sound as though there  lot of communications issues here and that you both need to be able to talk to the other about how you feel and what you want, and how you can best achieve that for both of you. At the moment, you have some reasonable concerns but your solution seems to be entirely that your wife should change, rather than looking at what compromises or adjustments both of you can make to meet both your needs. 

theoretica

It sounds to me as though you need a flexible babysitter/nanny - if you can find one!  Or less flexible, so you know you might be called on, but only for particular days.

crispy99

@elsien @TBagpuss

i really appreciate the long replies, I am extremely proud of how far we have come as a family and I’m afraid of loosing it, going backwards. It’s such a demanding business that I just need to be available all the time. I love having my routine of working Thursday - Sunday and having 3 days off. I just can’t see why it’s so unreasonable to work around this. This week her days changed to Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday which is just killer and makes me very nervous all the time something is going to go wrong.

Completely frustrated that my routine has gone and ever changing to meet retail demands. I’ve asked my wife plenty of times to atleast try and work Monday-Wednesday and it would be so much better for the family, but still doesn’t seem like worth the effort in asking. So I don’t think I’m being u reasonable.

completely agree with your comments about why she wants to work, I’ve never really felt like that, I don’t go for satisfaction or to talk to others just, I’m working this hard just to provide for my family.

Im finding so difficult to adjust and really anxious about getting to summer when the business really gets busy, tough choices will have to be made and I’m just trying to solve potential problems now. Ive taken on staff to do more and more but it’s never the same when it’s your own company so that pressure is with me all the time.

I guess I’m here judging her choices more than anything but I honestly can’t cope with the responsibilities I’ve got. I’ve been trying to get a mortgage, run the business, look after the kids, dance lessons, 11 plus I’m going to explode 

BrassicWoman

So. What solutions don't involve your wife changing her work?

Paid for childcare
Au pair
Ops manager/deputy for you
You sell the business
You run the business as it is and stop trying to grow it

..what else?

Flugelhorn

can completely understand - juggling a household with both parents working takes some amazing flexibility and multitasking. 

I did have a little chuckle (not unkindly honestly) - when I was a GP I had  a receptionist who used to seem to end up sorting out problems for people, usually ended with her coming to me and saying "what do you expect, he's a bloke" - the point being that all us women there were juggling everything with husbands working elsewhere and it was ultimately down to us, though with a bit of training we got the chaps a bit more organised, though none of us ever recognised the concept of a "day off"

I think this sharing of responsibilities  has all come as a shock to you as it hasn't developed gradually as the children have grown etc and that can make it more difficult.

your wife working is incredibly good for her, I could never have stood staying at home after maternity leave finished - I used to think how grim it was for some women who didn't work, what did they do?  what would they do if they were suddenly on their own with no income? 

have you considered that maybe you would be better if you wound down a bit ? let your wife earn more - share the roles - be more flexible? 

RogerBareford

crispy99 said:

I’m actually going crazy with this so appreciate everyone’s opinions!

11 years married and 5 kids, We live in the south east where rent is 1700 a month, nothing special 3 bed house. 

She got a job in retail 12 hours per week after discussing this together it would be really good to boost her confidence and to get out the house it would also motivate me to do more with the kids and I could only imagine she would love me to see how hard life is at home. 

The thing is I’ve worked extremely hard over the last 8 years to build a business while working full time delivering into london. I run a hire business also which can be incredibly stressful managing seasonal staff, drivers, bookings and constant calls. Somehow, I’ve managed to earn about 75k a year which used to feel amazing and she was so happy we weren’t struggling. We would go away twice a year and always afford anything we need. 

So 6 months in to this new retail job 12 hours has turned to 18-20 hours over 4 days and it could literally be any 4 days. I’ve been supportive but to a point that I do have a moan about it sometimes when her hours or days change. I’ve had a blast doing the school runs a d taking the kids out, sorting the house and feeding them, I’d love it much more if I didn’t have the financial pressure of the family on my shoulders at the same time.

Inside im so angry that I’ve worked so hard for my wife to put a minimum wage job before the business. Somehow she’s found a retail job where her managers and all the staff are amazingly laid back and everyone has a perfect life there, honestly she couldn’t of found an easier job. I’ve asked countless times for her to talk to someone and explain our situation and work some better days and regular times out but she doesn’t want to do that. She has done well impressing them and I know how retail works, all it takes is a bit of effort from her to make some changes that’s best for both of us.

Her mentality is “plenty of couples work at the same time”

This is just a joke, we have 5 kids and she’s always maintained she wanted to be a stay at home mum. 

“Many husbands are capable of looking after their own kids”

She probably has had more pressure with the kids then I’ve ever had but the last 6 months I’ve smashed it and proved I can do both. 

”All husbands should do manage all the bills”

she’s awful at bills, does not care about them at all, she’s happily bankrupt.

I just literally hate my life right now, her job has only given her confidence against me. She’s doesn’t care about the business or our future. I really feel lost in life and need to know what’s normal for a working family.

This is probably a bit off topic but why are you renting a 3 bedroom house where there is 7 of you?

If your earning 75k a year then surely you can get a house wih a suitable number of bedrooms atleast and are you looking at buying a house at all in the future and do you have a plan for that?

BrassicWoman

RogerBareford said:

This is probably a bit off topic but why are you renting a 3 bedroom house where there is 7 of you?

If your earning 75k a year then surely you can get a house wih a suitable number of bedrooms atleast and are you looking at buying a house at all in the future and do you have a plan for that?

There's a thread on the mortgages board covering that.