Me vs my wife

I’m actually going crazy with this so appreciate everyone’s opinions!

11 years married and 5 kids, We live in the south east where rent is 1700 a month, nothing special 3 bed house. 

She got a job in retail 12 hours per week after discussing this together it would be really good to boost her confidence and to get out the house it would also motivate me to do more with the kids and I could only imagine she would love me to see how hard life is at home. 

The thing is I’ve worked extremely hard over the last 8 years to build a business while working full time delivering into london. I run a hire business also which can be incredibly stressful managing seasonal staff, drivers, bookings and constant calls. Somehow, I’ve managed to earn about 75k a year which used to feel amazing and she was so happy we weren’t struggling. We would go away twice a year and always afford anything we need. 

So 6 months in to this new retail job 12 hours has turned to 18-20 hours over 4 days and it could literally be any 4 days. I’ve been supportive but to a point that I do have a moan about it sometimes when her hours or days change. I’ve had a blast doing the school runs a d taking the kids out, sorting the house and feeding them, I’d love it much more if I didn’t have the financial pressure of the family on my shoulders at the same time.

Inside im so angry that I’ve worked so hard for my wife to put a minimum wage job before the business. Somehow she’s found a retail job where her managers and all the staff are amazingly laid back and everyone has a perfect life there, honestly she couldn’t of found an easier job. I’ve asked countless times for her to talk to someone and explain our situation and work some better days and regular times out but she doesn’t want to do that. She has done well impressing them and I know how retail works, all it takes is a bit of effort from her to make some changes that’s best for both of us.

Her mentality is “plenty of couples work at the same time”

This is just a joke, we have 5 kids and she’s always maintained she wanted to be a stay at home mum. 

“Many husbands are capable of looking after their own kids”

She probably has had more pressure with the kids then I’ve ever had but the last 6 months I’ve smashed it and proved I can do both. 

”All husbands should do manage all the bills”

she’s awful at bills, does not care about them at all, she’s happily bankrupt.

I just literally hate my life right now, her job has only given her confidence against me. She’s doesn’t care about the business or our future. I really feel lost in life and need to know what’s normal for a working family.
«13456

Comments

  • crispy99
    crispy99 Posts: 32 Forumite
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post
    It sounds like you don't want any of the hassle of running a home and family. And that she may be tired of the sacrifices she has made to support your business. 

    Did she also hate her life before her job? Ask her. Maybe she doesn't care about your business. (It's yours, not hers too, seems like.) Maybe she really doesn't care about money; or much less than you do. 

    Investing in a relationship that'll see you to a happy retirement is, to many,  so much more important than money. You seem to have opposite views on this. 

    She's also allowed to find out that five kids is not really what she thought it would be, and to want different things for herself.

    "the last 6 months I’ve smashed it and proved I can do both". - you make this sounds like a test/ competition. When it's j
    just a thing parents do. 

    Don't judge the worth of her job, to her, by the cash contribution. Clearly, she gets something from it that she was not getting before. 

    You need to talk about how what you both want has changed since you first got together. What are BOTH your dreams?

    I appreciate your reply but can’t agree on the first part. I love being a father and a husband that provides so it’s no hassle. But running a demanding business at the same time is torture. I don’t have any qualifications so I’d be insane in thinking there’s alternative jobs out there for me to afford living in the south east. 

    Your absolutely right about her not caring about the business, I pretty much call it mine nowadays as she doesn’t care about it. Unable to help pick up calls and refuses to drive to the warehouse. I’ve tried so many times to get her involved and she would earn much much more.

    why would a mum choose to put their whole family’s future on the line for the sake of 500 a month. She gets praised at work for doing a good job which I suppose you can say she doesn’t get at home although I’ve always tried my best to support her. Doesn’t make sense to me.
  • theoretica
    theoretica Posts: 12,302 Forumite
    First Post Name Dropper Photogenic First Anniversary
    It sounds to me as though you need a flexible babysitter/nanny - if you can find one!  Or less flexible, so you know you might be called on, but only for particular days.
    But a banker, engaged at enormous expense,
    Had the whole of their cash in his care.
    Lewis Carroll
  • crispy99
    crispy99 Posts: 32 Forumite
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post
    @elsien @TBagpuss

    i really appreciate the long replies, I am extremely proud of how far we have come as a family and I’m afraid of loosing it, going backwards. It’s such a demanding business that I just need to be available all the time. I love having my routine of working Thursday - Sunday and having 3 days off. I just can’t see why it’s so unreasonable to work around this. This week her days changed to Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday which is just killer and makes me very nervous all the time something is going to go wrong.

    Completely frustrated that my routine has gone and ever changing to meet retail demands. I’ve asked my wife plenty of times to atleast try and work Monday-Wednesday and it would be so much better for the family, but still doesn’t seem like worth the effort in asking. So I don’t think I’m being u reasonable.

    completely agree with your comments about why she wants to work, I’ve never really felt like that, I don’t go for satisfaction or to talk to others just, I’m working this hard just to provide for my family.

    Im finding so difficult to adjust and really anxious about getting to summer when the business really gets busy, tough choices will have to be made and I’m just trying to solve potential problems now. Ive taken on staff to do more and more but it’s never the same when it’s your own company so that pressure is with me all the time.

    I guess I’m here judging her choices more than anything but I honestly can’t cope with the responsibilities I’ve got. I’ve been trying to get a mortgage, run the business, look after the kids, dance lessons, 11 plus I’m going to explode 
  • BrassicWoman
    BrassicWoman Posts: 3,202 Forumite
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post Mortgage-free Glee!
    So. What solutions don't involve your wife changing her work?

    Paid for childcare
    Au pair
    Ops manager/deputy for you
    You sell the business
    You run the business as it is and stop trying to grow it

    ..what else?

    2021 GC £1365.71/ £2400
  • Flugelhorn
    Flugelhorn Posts: 5,573 Forumite
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post
    can completely understand - juggling a household with both parents working takes some amazing flexibility and multitasking. 

    I did have a little chuckle (not unkindly honestly) - when I was a GP I had  a receptionist who used to seem to end up sorting out problems for people, usually ended with her coming to me and saying "what do you expect, he's a bloke" - the point being that all us women there were juggling everything with husbands working elsewhere and it was ultimately down to us, though with a bit of training we got the chaps a bit more organised, though none of us ever recognised the concept of a "day off"

    I think this sharing of responsibilities  has all come as a shock to you as it hasn't developed gradually as the children have grown etc and that can make it more difficult.

    your wife working is incredibly good for her, I could never have stood staying at home after maternity leave finished - I used to think how grim it was for some women who didn't work, what did they do?  what would they do if they were suddenly on their own with no income? 

    have you considered that maybe you would be better if you wound down a bit ? let your wife earn more - share the roles - be more flexible? 
  • crispy99 said:
    I’m actually going crazy with this so appreciate everyone’s opinions!

    11 years married and 5 kids, We live in the south east where rent is 1700 a month, nothing special 3 bed house. 

    She got a job in retail 12 hours per week after discussing this together it would be really good to boost her confidence and to get out the house it would also motivate me to do more with the kids and I could only imagine she would love me to see how hard life is at home. 

    The thing is I’ve worked extremely hard over the last 8 years to build a business while working full time delivering into london. I run a hire business also which can be incredibly stressful managing seasonal staff, drivers, bookings and constant calls. Somehow, I’ve managed to earn about 75k a year which used to feel amazing and she was so happy we weren’t struggling. We would go away twice a year and always afford anything we need. 

    So 6 months in to this new retail job 12 hours has turned to 18-20 hours over 4 days and it could literally be any 4 days. I’ve been supportive but to a point that I do have a moan about it sometimes when her hours or days change. I’ve had a blast doing the school runs a d taking the kids out, sorting the house and feeding them, I’d love it much more if I didn’t have the financial pressure of the family on my shoulders at the same time.

    Inside im so angry that I’ve worked so hard for my wife to put a minimum wage job before the business. Somehow she’s found a retail job where her managers and all the staff are amazingly laid back and everyone has a perfect life there, honestly she couldn’t of found an easier job. I’ve asked countless times for her to talk to someone and explain our situation and work some better days and regular times out but she doesn’t want to do that. She has done well impressing them and I know how retail works, all it takes is a bit of effort from her to make some changes that’s best for both of us.

    Her mentality is “plenty of couples work at the same time”

    This is just a joke, we have 5 kids and she’s always maintained she wanted to be a stay at home mum. 

    “Many husbands are capable of looking after their own kids”

    She probably has had more pressure with the kids then I’ve ever had but the last 6 months I’ve smashed it and proved I can do both. 

    ”All husbands should do manage all the bills”

    she’s awful at bills, does not care about them at all, she’s happily bankrupt.

    I just literally hate my life right now, her job has only given her confidence against me. She’s doesn’t care about the business or our future. I really feel lost in life and need to know what’s normal for a working family.

    This is probably a bit off topic but why are you renting a 3 bedroom house where there is 7 of you?

    If your earning 75k a year then surely you can get a house wih a suitable number of bedrooms atleast and are you looking at buying a house at all in the future and do you have a plan for that?


  • BrassicWoman
    BrassicWoman Posts: 3,202 Forumite
    First Anniversary Name Dropper First Post Mortgage-free Glee!

    This is probably a bit off topic but why are you renting a 3 bedroom house where there is 7 of you?

    If your earning 75k a year then surely you can get a house wih a suitable number of bedrooms atleast and are you looking at buying a house at all in the future and do you have a plan for that?


    There's a thread on the mortgages board covering that.
    2021 GC £1365.71/ £2400
Meet your Ambassadors

Categories

  • All Categories
  • 343.2K Banking & Borrowing
  • 250.1K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
  • 449.7K Spending & Discounts
  • 235.2K Work, Benefits & Business
  • 608K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
  • 173K Life & Family
  • 247.9K Travel & Transport
  • 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
  • 15.9K Discuss & Feedback
  • 15.1K Coronavirus Support Boards