Me vs my wife

Spendless

Retail jobs are often like that, frequently more hours than the contract states and not set days/times (it's why I do my best to avoid them!). Your wife obviously enjoys having a role where she is someone other than wife and Mum.

How old are the kids? If you've got 5 under 10s then that's different to if your older ones are teenagers and can pitch in to help. If the kids are younger, what about an older babysitter that can help out? You could contact your local college see if they've got students on a childcare course interested in some ad-hoc work. Students often like this because it gives them some money whilst giving them hands on experience and a reference for when they finish their course.  

crispy99

BrassicWoman said:

So. What solutions don't involve your wife changing her work?

Paid for childcare
Au pair
Ops manager/deputy for you
You sell the business
You run the business as it is and stop trying to grow it

..what else?

I guess just a nanny, but they would have to be extremely flexible with her changing days/ hours too. My parents had an Au pair when I was younger so I’d definitely think that would be the way forward if we wasn’t renting.

I actually have a business partner and a ops manager, im just not there yet to have it running smoothly without me, maybe by the end of the year. I can’t sell the business I see it as the kids business one day if they ever wanted to. 

[Deleted User]

Your living in the dark ages! long gone are the days of a husband providing for the family!  Stop blaming  your wife for your own insecurities. Your coming across as being jealous as your wife has found a life outside the family home. Theres nothing normal in a working family, you adjust your lives to fit !  Talk to your wife about your concerns not 'at' her!

crispy99

RogerBareford said:

crispy99 said:

I’m actually going crazy with this so appreciate everyone’s opinions!

11 years married and 5 kids, We live in the south east where rent is 1700 a month, nothing special 3 bed house. 

She got a job in retail 12 hours per week after discussing this together it would be really good to boost her confidence and to get out the house it would also motivate me to do more with the kids and I could only imagine she would love me to see how hard life is at home. 

The thing is I’ve worked extremely hard over the last 8 years to build a business while working full time delivering into london. I run a hire business also which can be incredibly stressful managing seasonal staff, drivers, bookings and constant calls. Somehow, I’ve managed to earn about 75k a year which used to feel amazing and she was so happy we weren’t struggling. We would go away twice a year and always afford anything we need. 

So 6 months in to this new retail job 12 hours has turned to 18-20 hours over 4 days and it could literally be any 4 days. I’ve been supportive but to a point that I do have a moan about it sometimes when her hours or days change. I’ve had a blast doing the school runs a d taking the kids out, sorting the house and feeding them, I’d love it much more if I didn’t have the financial pressure of the family on my shoulders at the same time.

Inside im so angry that I’ve worked so hard for my wife to put a minimum wage job before the business. Somehow she’s found a retail job where her managers and all the staff are amazingly laid back and everyone has a perfect life there, honestly she couldn’t of found an easier job. I’ve asked countless times for her to talk to someone and explain our situation and work some better days and regular times out but she doesn’t want to do that. She has done well impressing them and I know how retail works, all it takes is a bit of effort from her to make some changes that’s best for both of us.

Her mentality is “plenty of couples work at the same time”

This is just a joke, we have 5 kids and she’s always maintained she wanted to be a stay at home mum. 

“Many husbands are capable of looking after their own kids”

She probably has had more pressure with the kids then I’ve ever had but the last 6 months I’ve smashed it and proved I can do both. 

”All husbands should do manage all the bills”

she’s awful at bills, does not care about them at all, she’s happily bankrupt.

I just literally hate my life right now, her job has only given her confidence against me. She’s doesn’t care about the business or our future. I really feel lost in life and need to know what’s normal for a working family.

This is probably a bit off topic but why are you renting a 3 bedroom house where there is 7 of you?

If your earning 75k a year then surely you can get a house wih a suitable number of bedrooms atleast and are you looking at buying a house at all in the future and do you have a plan for that?

So we live in Dartford, our rent has been 1700 for 5 years now and landlord is going for 1900 asap. It close to all our family and a great little school. Trying my absolute best to buy a house even with my mum offering to sell and move in with us. This may really help the situation out or make it worse haha I’m not sure! Everything in Dartford is min 500k. Gutted if I have to move away but even an hour away is 400k which I wouldn’t be able to do.

crispy99

Deleted_User said:

Your living in the dark ages! long gone are the days of a husband providing for the family!  Stop blaming  your wife for your own insecurities. Your coming across as being jealous as your wife has found a life outside the family home. Theres nothing normal in a working family, you adjust your lives to fit !  Talk to your wife about your concerns not 'at' her!

Thank you, maybe your right but I’ve always been forced to provide, she’s never wanted to go to work and help out. Now after years and years of hard work when I’ve got a fantastic routine I have to live by retail rules effectively. No I dunno I don’t think that’s fair on me. Ive been through retail at the bottom and as a store manager. Im absolutely not jealous of her having a job or having free time. this is just about choices and feel like it would be absolutely devastating if I ruined our business over this. 

gwynlas

It is too late to start again but seriously why did you have five children? Is it a cultural thing, did you make the choice together or was it you wanting to keep her barefoot and pregnant at home? Even celebrities who can afford large families think twice.. Your wife was obviously fed up with being  stay at home mother with a large brood. Her extra income should allow you as a family to pay for whatever help is needed whethe that is household services, childcare or additionl help in the business.her workng opposite hours to you so that you manage childcare within the family would lead to you not seeing each other or spending quality time as a family unit.

[Deleted User]

crispy99 said:

Deleted_User said:

Your living in the dark ages! long gone are the days of a husband providing for the family!  Stop blaming  your wife for your own insecurities. Your coming across as being jealous as your wife has found a life outside the family home. Theres nothing normal in a working family, you adjust your lives to fit !  Talk to your wife about your concerns not 'at' her!

Thank you, maybe your right but I’ve always been forced to provide, she’s never wanted to go to work and help out. Now after years and years of hard work when I’ve got a fantastic routine I have to live by retail rules effectively. No I dunno I don’t think that’s fair on me. Ive been through retail at the bottom and as a store manager. Im absolutely not jealous of her having a job or having free time. this is just about choices and feel like it would be absolutely devastating if I ruined our business over this. 

Youve been 'forced' to provide? Your making the situation all about 'you' its not about choices as your too fixated on what you want.  One minute your saying its your business and the next your saying its our business! I expect your wife feels much the same as you after living around your business and fitting in with you.

london21

You will both need to communicate and try to understand each other's point of view. 

Looking after 5 children isn't easy also depending on their age and reliance can be overwhelming. 

Not everyone is financially motivated. You seem to be financially motivated she doesn't seem to be. 

You might need to outsource and pay for some help either at home or with the business. 

Also looking into buying your own house than rental because your rent likely cover a mortgage. 

Many years ago I worked in retail when I was a student and my hours and days were fixed not sure if things have changed nowadays but can make a request or find another role. 

You will both need to make sacrifices to make things work before it is too late. 
 

Spendless

crispy99 said:

Deleted_User said:

Your living in the dark ages! long gone are the days of a husband providing for the family!  Stop blaming  your wife for your own insecurities. Your coming across as being jealous as your wife has found a life outside the family home. Theres nothing normal in a working family, you adjust your lives to fit !  Talk to your wife about your concerns not 'at' her!

Thank you, maybe your right but I’ve always been forced to provide, she’s never wanted to go to work and help out. Now after years and years of hard work when I’ve got a fantastic routine I have to live by retail rules effectively. No I dunno I don’t think that’s fair on me. Ive been through retail at the bottom and as a store manager. Im absolutely not jealous of her having a job or having free time. this is just about choices and feel like it would be absolutely devastating if I ruined our business over this. 

Then surely you knew what retail hours would be like for a staff member unless where you worked was either not the norm or a very long time ago.  Why wasn't that aspect discussed when you had a chat about her returning to work?

the4tails

Astounded by what I have just read. The audacity. The misogyny. You have zero respect for your wife and what she has done for you and your family. She deserves better.