Money Moral Dilemma: Should I ask the bride-to-be for my money back?

cheshire123

I'm so sorry about this, but you sound as if you're asking us to advise on more than the difference in the money given. It seems like even before you're married you've found a reason to distrust her and that money is an issue now so will be even more so in the future. Marriage is a big, legal step. Imagine how much you could lose later if she's taking money off you now and it's upset you. I have to say she doesn't sound like she cares about your feelings and in fact may equate you proving your love by how much she can take from you - some people are just like that. I agree with the person who says £150 will just about pay for a few drinks these days, but if you don't earn so much and it's a problem for you, I think you need to think long and hard about a legal and binding contract (that's what Marriage is) your love for her and if she cares truly for you. £150 today could be a house, your children and your savings down the line and drive you to desperation. Focus on the relationship, the legal stuff and the real costs of marriage, not this small current loss. Wish you all the best, take care.

Ringo90

cheshire123 said:

I'm so sorry about this, but you sound as if you're asking us to advise on more than the difference in the money given. It seems like even before you're married you've found a reason to distrust her and that money is an issue now so will be even more so in the future. Marriage is a big, legal step. Imagine how much you could lose later if she's taking money off you now and it's upset you. I have to say she doesn't sound like she cares about your feelings and in fact may equate you proving your love by how much she can take from you - some people are just like that. I agree with the person who says £150 will just about pay for a few drinks these days, but if you don't earn so much and it's a problem for you, I think you need to think long and hard about a legal and binding contract (that's what Marriage is) your love for her and if she cares truly for you. £150 today could be a house, your children and your savings down the line and drive you to desperation. Focus on the relationship, the legal stuff and the real costs of marriage, not this small current loss. Wish you all the best, take care.

No mean to be rude but the OP is not the other half of the couple, but a friend taking part to the hen do... I think you misunderstood the post.

JB50MSE

This is manipulative behaviour, emotional blackmail, and possibly even fraud. Shocking from a "friend." Ask nicely for the refund the bride originally promised. It's not a bad idea to change from a hen weekend away to a party in her own garden, but it's not what you paid your deposit for.
So, as other people have suggested, get together now with other guests, who hopefully will agree with you. It is an embarrassing situation, but that's not a good reason for giving in. 
Did you get any emails, texts or messages describing what she had originally planned e.g. accommodation and transport, which persuaded you to give her £150 deposit? Did you transfer it via your bank (rather than giving her cash with no receipt)? That's evidence. Save it securely until you get your money back.
Has she paid any non-refundable deposits for the cancelled event? If yes, ask nicely for proof. Check yourself with the venue. If she is being honest and reasonable, she will not mind providing proof (I wouldn't).
Can you offer to help her with her cost calculations? Maybe she's just thought twice about spending so much on a pre-wedding event, and is finding it all too stressful. A hen weekend away would be very much more expensive than a garden party in her own garden. 
If she argues, tells you that if you are a real friend you would understand, says she feels insulted, says she can't afford it, says you're being mean, or anything like that, it is suspicious. Try not to be emotional in your response, be reasonable. 
If you behave calmly and reasonably now, and you end up losing your "friend" over this, you may feel bad now, but you'll feel a lot worse if she continues to manipulate you. Don't give her any more money or a gift!  You deserve better friends.
I write this because a friend of mine was conned out of ££££ by a very plausible "friend" who she'd known for years. That "friend" used every trick in the book to delay repayment and never did repay. My friend subsequently discovered the "friend" had also conned other people who she knew. 

astroL

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I paid £150 towards a hen weekend away but the bride-to-be has now decided to have the hen do in her garden instead. Originally she told us she'd return the money, but has now said she's put it towards the cost of her new hen do. While I don't mind paying £30 or so towards it, I think anything more than that is unfair.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.

Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.

If you feel that you need to ask forumites for advice instead of discussing it with your wife-to-be then I believe that you have a deeper problem than you realise ....?

Pollycat

astroL said:

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I paid £150 towards a hen weekend away but the bride-to-be has now decided to have the hen do in her garden instead. Originally she told us she'd return the money, but has now said she's put it towards the cost of her new hen do. While I don't mind paying £30 or so towards it, I think anything more than that is unfair.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.

Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.

If you feel that you need to ask forumites for advice instead of discussing it with your wife-to-be then I believe that you have a deeper problem than you realise ....?

You've misread the original post.
It was submitted to MSE by someone who is going on the hen-do.
Not the groom-to-be.

I agree about discussing it with the other invitees though.
Pretty much the same as all MMDs.

JJC1956

richytay1 said:

Maybe she has arranged for Coldplay to play her garden

Definitely ask for your money back, they’re not worth more than a tenner

JJC1956

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I paid £150 towards a hen weekend away but the bride-to-be has now decided to have the hen do in her garden instead. Originally she told us she'd return the money, but has now said she's put it towards the cost of her new hen do. While I don't mind paying £30 or so towards it, I think anything more than that is unfair.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.

Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.

If she originally told you that she would return the money, then one would assume she isn’t having a big bash in her garden (excl Coldplay and Kanye west being invited). 

Lots of ifs, buts and maybe being posted on here, where was the original Hen Party being held, were you as a male actually invited? Or were you just chipping in with the cost to help her out, more importantly will you be uninvited from the wedding if you ask for your money back? 
If she has decided to hire a Marquee, Caterer, DJ etc then your £150 will obviously be used to pay towards the overall costs.
What did you actually pay the £150 for in the first place, (accommodation, travel, food, drink etc)? 
And last but not least can you please answer some of the posts on here and put everyone out of their misery.
Good Luck

Pollycat

JJC1956 said:

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I paid £150 towards a hen weekend away but the bride-to-be has now decided to have the hen do in her garden instead. Originally she told us she'd return the money, but has now said she's put it towards the cost of her new hen do. While I don't mind paying £30 or so towards it, I think anything more than that is unfair.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.

Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.

If she originally told you that she would return the money, then one would assume she isn’t having a big bash in her garden (excl Coldplay and Kanye west being invited). 

Lots of ifs, buts and maybe being posted on here, where was the original Hen Party being held, were you as a male actually invited? Or were you just chipping in with the cost to help her out, more importantly will you be uninvited from the wedding if you ask for your money back? 
If she has decided to hire a Marquee, Caterer, DJ etc then your £150 will obviously be used to pay towards the overall costs.
What did you actually pay the £150 for in the first place, (accommodation, travel, food, drink etc)? 
And last but not least can you please answer some of the posts on here and put everyone out of their misery.
Good Luck

There will be no answers to any questions.
That is the nature of MSE MMDs.

JJC1956

Pollycat said:

JJC1956 said:

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I paid £150 towards a hen weekend away but the bride-to-be has now decided to have the hen do in her garden instead. Originally she told us she'd return the money, but has now said she's put it towards the cost of her new hen do. While I don't mind paying £30 or so towards it, I think anything more than that is unfair.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.

Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.

If she originally told you that she would return the money, then one would assume she isn’t having a big bash in her garden (excl Coldplay and Kanye west being invited). 

Lots of ifs, buts and maybe being posted on here, where was the original Hen Party being held, were you as a male actually invited? Or were you just chipping in with the cost to help her out, more importantly will you be uninvited from the wedding if you ask for your money back? 
If she has decided to hire a Marquee, Caterer, DJ etc then your £150 will obviously be used to pay towards the overall costs.
What did you actually pay the £150 for in the first place, (accommodation, travel, food, drink etc)? 
And last but not least can you please answer some of the posts on here and put everyone out of their misery.
Good Luck

There will be no answers to any questions.
That is the nature of MSE MMDs.

Sorry, didn’t realise.
Pretty pointless exercise, loads of suggestions or opinions for a Topic where there is so little to go on, and not knowing the outcome.

Pollycat

JJC1956 said:

Pollycat said:

JJC1956 said:

MSE_Kelvin said:

This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

I paid £150 towards a hen weekend away but the bride-to-be has now decided to have the hen do in her garden instead. Originally she told us she'd return the money, but has now said she's put it towards the cost of her new hen do. While I don't mind paying £30 or so towards it, I think anything more than that is unfair.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value. Remember that behind each dilemma there is a real person so, as the forum rules say, please keep it kind and keep it clean.

If you haven’t already, join the forum to reply.

Got a Money Moral Dilemma of your own? Suggest an MMD.

If she originally told you that she would return the money, then one would assume she isn’t having a big bash in her garden (excl Coldplay and Kanye west being invited). 

Lots of ifs, buts and maybe being posted on here, where was the original Hen Party being held, were you as a male actually invited? Or were you just chipping in with the cost to help her out, more importantly will you be uninvited from the wedding if you ask for your money back? 
If she has decided to hire a Marquee, Caterer, DJ etc then your £150 will obviously be used to pay towards the overall costs.
What did you actually pay the £150 for in the first place, (accommodation, travel, food, drink etc)? 
And last but not least can you please answer some of the posts on here and put everyone out of their misery.
Good Luck

There will be no answers to any questions.
That is the nature of MSE MMDs.

Sorry, didn’t realise.
Pretty pointless exercise, loads of suggestions or opinions for a Topic where there is so little to go on, and not knowing the outcome.

Yes. If you read this it explains it.

Unfortunately the MSE team can't answer Money Moral Dilemma questions as contributions are emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be a point of debate and discussed at face value.