Estranged wife

Android07

Pollycat said:

Android07 said:

turnitround said:

He was 80% responsible for constantly giving her bad advice and brainwashing her.

So why did you allow that to happen? Did your wife feel she was unsupported by you? 

I also find it a bit concerning that you refer to her as a 'lazy cow'.  Obviously there were many issues leading to the split but whatever anger you hold you need to put the child first.

Giving up your  well paid job wont have helped, could you not have taken sick leave for a while.

I was not aware at the time when this was going on. Later on, my old man started boasting to his mates and my relatives. I connected the dots and that's how I figured out he was hugely responsible.

I did take sick leave at work for many days and eventually I decided that I am not in the right frame of my mind and I need an extended break.

Don't you think your wife deserves some sympathy for having your Father 'brainwashing' her over a number of years? 

If my husband had made an appointment with my doctor without telling me, I would have been furious.
I can see why the GP thought you may be controlling.

From your other thread you wanted to sell the house your Father was living in without telling him as your Mum's name was on the deeds.

My wife is an adult - she should have used her judgement to know what is good and bad. She could have told me what my dad was doing and asked me to do something about it.

Dad's cleared out and left of his own accord. No one forced him out.

turnitround

The whole thing about being brainwashed is that the person does not realise what is going on till its too late. 

If it carried on to such a degree and for so long your wife must have been badly affected so how as a concerned husband could you not know something was wrong and try to help her.

Reading you posts I cant make out if you are a controlling husband or one who doesn't really care.  You dont come across as very sympathetic to your wifes needs.

You describe her a 'brainwashed' and then as a 'lazy cow'. 

Did you speak to her and condemn your fathers actions or do you place the blame on her for allowing it to happen?

Android07

turnitround said:

The whole thing about being brainwashed is that the person does not realise what is going on till its too late. 

If it carried on to such a degree and for so long your wife must have been badly affected so how as a concerned husband could you not know something was wrong and try to help her.

Reading you posts I cant make out if you are a controlling husband or one who doesn't really care.  You dont come across as very sympathetic to your wifes needs.

You describe her a 'brainwashed' and then as a 'lazy cow'. 

Did you speak to her and condemn your fathers actions or do you place the blame on her for allowing it to happen?

Can we please stick to the questions that I asked rather than digging about what could have been done in the past?

Now that my wife has broken my trust  left , I feel no remorse in using any adjectives to describe her.

Pollycat

Android07 said:

turnitround said:

The whole thing about being brainwashed is that the person does not realise what is going on till its too late. 

If it carried on to such a degree and for so long your wife must have been badly affected so how as a concerned husband could you not know something was wrong and try to help her.

Reading you posts I cant make out if you are a controlling husband or one who doesn't really care.  You dont come across as very sympathetic to your wifes needs.

You describe her a 'brainwashed' and then as a 'lazy cow'. 

Did you speak to her and condemn your fathers actions or do you place the blame on her for allowing it to happen?

Can we please stick to the questions that I asked rather than digging about what could have been done in the past?

Now that my wife has broken my trust  left , I feel no remorse in using any adjectives to describe her.

I suggest you take the advice of the solicitors that you have already seen.

And read this:
Divorce or end a civil partnership if your partner is missing - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

TBagpuss

OK, you need to sort out a divorce , which an include sorting out the financial side of things so that you know where you stand. 
Your wife will be entitled to a share of the matrimonial assets - you've been married for 8 years and have a child together, so this is not a short marriage. However, the court's over-riding aim is to come up with a settlement which is fair to you both, taking into account all the circumstances. Assuming that she has or can apply for a via which allows her to work, this would include looking at her realistic earning capacity as well as yours, it may be that it will be reasonable for you to provide some support for her as well as for your child in the short term chicle the child is still very young, but spousal maintenance is very rare these days and is normally something which is put in place as a short term arrangements, to allow the recipient time to get on their feet and become independent.

The fact that your wife hasn't applied for child support or started any financial claims against you isn't consistent with the suggestion that she is out for what she can get .

You can if you wish start the divorce yourself using the online portal - it would be sensible to get some legal advice and I certainly recommend that you get some to resolve the financial side of things. It doesn't usually cost as much as £10,000 - you might see those kinds of numbers if the case were very complex or if either or both of you were unreasonable and unwilling to try to reach a negotiated settlement.

in terms of contact with your child, again, you can start the process yourself if you don't feel you can afford a solicitor. The court has to focus on what is in the best interest of the child - the starting point is that a child has a right to have a relationship with both of their parents, and if safeguarding concerns are raised then the court would have to consider these and decide whether there were any concerns around the child's welfare and any safeguarding steps needed to allow contact to go ahead.

As you have not had any contact for a while, it may well be appropriate for contact to start gradually, perhaps at a contact centre (most have provisions to allow a child to be dropped off and collected so that the parents don't have to meet, if either or both are uncomfortable doing so) and it allows time for your child to get to know you again and to get used to seeing you, before you move on to longer and more independent periods of contact.

If the concerns raised were about controlling or coercive behaviour then social services would have stepped back once your wife left, as at that point she had taken steps to protect the child. It isn't their role in these circumstances to investigate whether the allegations were true. They would have made initial enquiries because a report was made of domestic abuse but would only remain involved if they felt there was any ongoing risk or concerns. 

Given what you have said about your own mental state, have you seen your GP to ask for help? if not, it sounds as though that would be a sensible step to take, they should be able to offer some help so you can get to a point where you do feel able to manage to work and get things back on track, and that in turn may mean that you feel more able to move things forward to resolve the outstanding issues with your wife.

Finally, do try to think about how your actions (or lack of them) may have affected your wife - most people don't leave the security of their home, especially with a small child, unless they feel they have no other option. It 'd not clear what support your gave your wife when you learned about how your father had been behaving, r in connection with caring for the baby, nor am I clear whether you talked to her about her own health and your worries before  booking an appointment for her with the GP. Referring to her as a Cow and as being lazy come across as pretty unpleasant, and it's worth bearing in mind that if you want to have a relationship with your child, that mean that you are going to have to find a way of dealing with their mother, and lean to refer to them and treat them with respect and courtesy - any aggression or hostility will be obvious to your child and is likely to undermine your relationship with them . And, if you do apply to court for contact then having that kind of attitude towards her will also be picked up by Cafcass and the court and is only likely to re-inforce anything she says about you being controlling or otherwise abusive, so you will be shooting yourself in the foot. 

Savvy_Sue

TBagpuss said:

OK, you need to sort out a divorce , which an include sorting out the financial side of things so that you know where you stand. 
Your wife will be entitled to a share of the matrimonial assets - you've been married for 8 years and have a child together, so this is not a short marriage. However, the court's over-riding aim is to come up with a settlement which is fair to you both, taking into account all the circumstances. 

That was an excellent post, but I'd just like to emphasise to the OP that "taking into account all the circumstances" probably doesn't mean what you might assume it does. 

As far as I'm aware, "all the circumstances" relate to the following:

• you are parents to a child
• the child is entitled to know both parents
• the parent with whom the child does not normally live is expected / required to pay child maintenance
• although this maintenance may be reduced if the child regularly stays overnight with the NRP (non-resident parent), it is not dependent on levels of contact - you're still required to pay even if contact is reduced or stopped
• the statutory amounts for child maintenance will NEVER cover the full cost of supporting a child
• you can agree to pay more than the statutory amount, but you'd have to think hard to ensure you'd thought of ALL the costs of raising a child, so your maintenance will never be enough to allow your wife to live in luxury at your expense
• if you decide to start paying child maintenance voluntarily, you'd be well advised to do so by bank transfer, with 'Maintenance for Child's name' in the reference (so that no-one can argue that these payments were for some other purpose)
• you are both of an age where you might reasonably be expected to work to support yourself: you may be required to pay spousal maintenance initially, but unless there's some reason your wife cannot work, then this is unlikely to be long-term. 

Your wife's behaviour and attitudes are unlikely to affect the financial settlement in any way, shape or form. The fact that your wife did not work - so you may feel you're 'entitled' to a greater share of the house value, for example - also not relevant. The fact that she left you likewise. 

Advance warning: I believe you will be expected to undertake mediation as part of the divorce proceedings. She might argue that it's not safe for her to do so, but you don't want to be the one refusing to participate even if you feel it's pointless. 

TBagpuss

Savvy_Sue said:

TBagpuss said:

OK, you need to sort out a divorce , which an include sorting out the financial side of things so that you know where you stand. 
Your wife will be entitled to a share of the matrimonial assets - you've been married for 8 years and have a child together, so this is not a short marriage. However, the court's over-riding aim is to come up with a settlement which is fair to you both, taking into account all the circumstances. 

That was an excellent post, but I'd just like to emphasise to the OP that "taking into account all the circumstances" probably doesn't mean what you might assume it does. 

As far as I'm aware, "all the circumstances" relate to the following:

• you are parents to a child
• the child is entitled to know both parents
• the parent with whom the child does not normally live is expected / required to pay child maintenance
• although this maintenance may be reduced if the child regularly stays overnight with the NRP (non-resident parent), it is not dependent on levels of contact - you're still required to pay even if contact is reduced or stopped
• the statutory amounts for child maintenance will NEVER cover the full cost of supporting a child
• you can agree to pay more than the statutory amount, but you'd have to think hard to ensure you'd thought of ALL the costs of raising a child, so your maintenance will never be enough to allow your wife to live in luxury at your expense
• if you decide to start paying child maintenance voluntarily, you'd be well advised to do so by bank transfer, with 'Maintenance for Child's name' in the reference (so that no-one can argue that these payments were for some other purpose)
• you are both of an age where you might reasonably be expected to work to support yourself: you may be required to pay spousal maintenance initially, but unless there's some reason your wife cannot work, then this is unlikely to be long-term. 

Your wife's behaviour and attitudes are unlikely to affect the financial settlement in any way, shape or form. The fact that your wife did not work - so you may feel you're 'entitled' to a greater share of the house value, for example - also not relevant. The fact that she left you likewise. 

Advance warning: I believe you will be expected to undertake mediation as part of the divorce proceedings. She might argue that it's not safe for her to do so, but you don't want to be the one refusing to participate even if you feel it's pointless. 

No, all the circumstances was in reference to a financial settlement, nothing at all to do with contact or the child's rights to know both parents. 

For arrangements about children, the key factors are set out in the Welfare Checklist, which is a list of thinks likely to be relevant to the court's decision about where a child should live, what time they spend with each parent.

hild support is calculated using the CMS formula - you are right that it isn't based on how much it costs to care for a child and doesn't cover that (or even half of that)

The circumstances that a court looks at in coming to a financial settlement are things such as:

• The length of the marriage (including any cohabitation)
• the ages of the parties
• the needs of the parties and of any children
• the parties resources including their income and earning capacity

Factors such as contributions and conduct/behavior can be relevant but generally aren't - behavior has to be pretty serious and/or to have a direct financial impact, and contributions tend only to be relevant in very short marriages or where one partner has made a 'stella contribution'  - the presumption is that you you've each made equally valuable contributions, which include no-financial contributions such as caring for a home or child. In addition, contributions tend only to be relevant where there are surplus assets after the parties reasonable needs have been met, so it tends to be an issue only in big money cases.

MalMonroe

This does sound like a classic case of postnatal depression. My friend suffered from it. She had the baby, went home and then changed into a totally different, unlikeable person. She was diagnosed with PND but her marriage broke down and her husband left their home. Many women do not even realise they have it and it can last for years. We remain friends but she's still not friendly with her ex.

Calling your wife (who you obviously once loved and who has given you a child) names really is just quite childish and if you're nasty to her now, you will damage any goodwill or relationship you may be able to have in the future, especially a relationship with your child. 

I know it's hurtful and painful, what you are going through (I have also been through an acrimonious break down of marriage) but if you can refrain from being aggressive and insulting, that will really help.

It does seem like you are going to have to spend some money - check with Citizens Advice to see if you are eligible for any help with legal costs, link below -

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/finding-free-or-affordable-legal-help/

You ARE entitled to see your child and I'm sure your wife will be found when the legal eagles get on the case.

Lavendyr

I find it hard to believe this is the whole story. Not having a prior DV history doesn't mean you weren't controlling or coercive. I also get absolutely no sense that you looked after or cared for your wife in what sounds like a really difficult time for her. You say social services were involved. What's their view? Have they been in touch? 

If you can't work due to ill health, then claim benefits. You will need funds to sort your situation out, regardless of who is in the right or wrong. Refusing to take benefits so that you can see your own child seems completely irrational. If it were me I'd fight tooth and nail to see my child and would take any support on offer to enable me to do so. 

Android07

Lavendyr said:

I find it hard to believe this is the whole story. Not having a prior DV history doesn't mean you weren't controlling or coercive. I also get absolutely no sense that you looked after or cared for your wife in what sounds like a really difficult time for her. You say social services were involved. What's their view? Have they been in touch? 

If you can't work due to ill health, then claim benefits. You will need funds to sort your situation out, regardless of who is in the right or wrong. Refusing to take benefits so that you can see your own child seems completely irrational. If it were me I'd fight tooth and nail to see my child and would take any support on offer to enable me to do so. 

That is the whole story. Me and mum cared for both my wife and my little one  for six months. Social services got in touch with some bs from my wife ( e.g. I did not let her leave the house for more than 5 mins. ), they heard my replies and then closed the case.

I have never claimed benefits since I was a wee little one. My family does not claim benefits. We view benefits as for people who really need it and not for financially stable people.