Alchemausterity II

apple_muncher

Alchemilla said:

apple_muncher said:

Dc loves lamda- all that masking can be put to good use at last!!!

Impressed your marking was 6 days. Both of mine took me about 20 of the allowed 25 days, fortunately with no overlap! I'm awaiting the cap ending in a few days, to get a few more pennies.

One of the science papers had the cap removed 3 days early!

I'm not anticipating that for this component as there was a pickle with uploading several questions at the start, so markers lost the first weekend for those harder Qs. Our deadline (and therefore the cap) got moved back 30 hours... Sigh.

Alchemilla

Karmacat said:

Alchemilla said:

Karmacat said:

You sound run off your feet, Alchemilla.  And your guest is making life a bit too full on even at home?  With untrained charity workers not being particularly helpful - the way admin is so slow for everything these days, it's crazy to move unless there's a safety issue, which obviously there isn't at yours.  

Thinking of you.

I'm planning to read a book today and notalot else.

I know you're retired, KC, but were you a counsellor? I have no knowledge but I feel like there's a line between providing emotional support (which I've done and am happy to do) and obsessing about oneself to the exclusion of all else?

Just reading a book sounds good, very important, actually.

Yes as to the career: I was actually a psychotherapist, but people often find that quite intimidating, so I sometimes say counsellor.  There's *totally* a line of the kind you're describing - even when seeking professional counselling, let alone in real life, and in your own space.

Impossible and unethical to internet-diagnose, but I'm retired and I don't have to be quite so ...  🤐  You're going through a lot with your OH in recovery the way he is.  And you want to be kind too to this poor woman whose country was invaded, and who's had the dickens of a job getting settled in the country of her choice (UK).  She's landed in a great place (your place!) but she's traumatised, from the sound of it: not just the invasion, but refugeeing across Europe and overcoming international administrative barriers; she had a funeral that she went back for, didn't she?  And a possible new relationship, and her child/children (can't remember that bit, sorry) must also be concerning her.  

But basically, you're exhausted - that's not all coming from her, but it sounds like she's the last straw ... So here's what I'm suggesting, and by the way, this was never my work life.  My work was helping people release repressed emotions, going right back to birth and sometimes beyond - this is me just knowing how people in trouble can be suffering, and what might need to happen in the present day, as well as the past.

- you look after your own needs and your own energy levels as a priority - if you get badly sick, like a chronic thing, it would be a nightmare.  And if you push too hard and too long, that's what can happen.  

- think about what feeds you - your day today, with a book, sounds great.  Do you need to safeguard that time, that space?  Maybe even think about polite phrases to use, and after how many minutes you'd use them?  

- time with OH?  Away from the house, even if you're just driving to a local panorama point and parking so you can see the view?  Literally, my brother and I did that last year when he visited, and it was utterly idyllic.

- plus, for your guest.  You're her anchor, and now she's back, she needs more points of contact with the UK and with your community generally.  Since the untrained charity worker is advising her to move, she's not all that happy either?  I know you said she's a proper city girl, sort of, so that might happen, and might actually be best, for her and for you - that's not a failure, by the way!  But even before then, she needs more points of contact: other Ukrainians, other incomers (I lived with a Chilean family who were various stripes of refugee, there are plenty of people who understand being forced to flee your homeland).  Are there things put on specially for local refugees?  Are there local events, or regular local things (like, Suffolk Lass helps with a weekly pensioner thing) ...  voluntary work might be a thing, a way to launch her into the community, even if she's not staying.  Getting familiar with English accents!  Learning about English life!

- specifically on her bending your ear whenever you surface.  She might need help with what she's going through.  Phone help specifically for Ukrainians?  Is there a central log with the Ukraine Institute, or the consulate or whatever they have in London?  Meetings in the local town?

- doesn't your guest have a son?  She needs to focus on his needs as well, and help him.  Or maybe he's better integrated already, because of school, and he can help her?  Maybe she volunteers at the school (probably not, because of the time of year, but that sort of thing).

- final thing: back in the day, when you and I first "met", I'm sure it was you that introduced me to Captain Awkward.  She was a lifesaver for me personally, and although things from my past are just as troubling as they were then, my methods of coping with the present are 1,000% better, specifically because of her.  If it was you, go back and read some stuff (though there's nothing about refugees, I'm pretty sure, but there's a ton about good boundaries).  If it wasn't you, go there for the first time and be amazed.

HTH

What an epic post, thank you so much for taking the time and trouble, KC.

You're right about the new relationship and the little boy (11).

I so agree that he should be front and centre of her plans.

She has a psychotherapist over the 'phone. Her son has an offer of family grief counselling but she hasn't yet accepted.

On the socialising, she has a slightly older friend who is here often, several times a week. She's a polite woman and good support. Ukr Mum says "why would I want to do that?" when I've suggested attending a meet-up. There are loads, even here in the back of beyond.

It may well have been me that mentioned CA. I am grey rocking the drama today (her son doesn't eat veg from the aga...)

It's quite hard to take a step back when she's operating on a model of learned helplessness. So today she noticed I was selling on fb and she asked me about it. I showed her the marketplace button and she said "but I've never done it". Bear in mind she's on social media all day, I left her to it.

Anyway, I agree it would be fine for her to move if it's going to be better for her, and I would stay in touch and not mindd at all.

Alchemilla

apple_muncher said:

Alchemilla said:

apple_muncher said:

Dc loves lamda- all that masking can be put to good use at last!!!

Impressed your marking was 6 days. Both of mine took me about 20 of the allowed 25 days, fortunately with no overlap! I'm awaiting the cap ending in a few days, to get a few more pennies.

One of the science papers had the cap removed 3 days early!

I'm not anticipating that for this component as there was a pickle with uploading several questions at the start, so markers lost the first weekend for those harder Qs. Our deadline (and therefore the cap) got moved back 30 hours... Sigh.

They had one job!

Alchemilla

Finally submitted a meter reading after burying my head in the sand.

£500 a month. Arrgghhh.

I did sell an item on fb for £40 this was converted to a bit of food and a teaspoon of diesel.

Alchemilla

The good news, though, is that Ember the Aga has not significantly increased energy costs.

Karmacat

Good grief, £500 bill!  Sorry to hear that!

And that sounds like you're right about the learned helplessness ... that was a good place to draw the boundary   Good that she has a positive friend too, but argh to being on social media today.  I've been on my computer/phone a lot today myself, because of hiding from the heat, and I feel yuck because of it - at least I know.  I quite fancy moving to Iceland permanently right now, to be honest 

Most importantly ... did you read your book?

Alchemilla

Karmacat said:

Good grief, £500 bill!  Sorry to hear that!

And that sounds like you're right about the learned helplessness ... that was a good place to draw the boundary   Good that she has a positive friend too, but argh to being on social media today.  I've been on my computer/phone a lot today myself, because of hiding from the heat, and I feel yuck because of it - at least I know.  I quite fancy moving to Iceland permanently right now, to be honest 

Most importantly ... did you read your book?

No but Ukr Mum did forget we were fb friends and I would see the lies she was posting about me on fb. 

Avon was right, no good deed goes unpunished!

Karmacat

Alchemilla said:

Karmacat said:

Most importantly ... did you read your book?

No but Ukr Mum did forget we were fb friends and I would see the lies she was posting about me on fb. 

Avon was right, no good deed goes unpunished!

Woah, what?  Okay, something needs to change, this is unhealthy for both of you, though especially you.  

Alchemilla

Karmacat said:

Alchemilla said:

Karmacat said:

Most importantly ... did you read your book?

No but Ukr Mum did forget we were fb friends and I would see the lies she was posting about me on fb. 

Avon was right, no good deed goes unpunished!

Woah, what?  Okay, something needs to change, this is unhealthy for both of you, though especially you.  

Yes I was a bit underwhelmed!

savingholmes

I'd invite her to move on. 

Such a difficult situation.