Learning to walk before I run

edinburgher

@Suffolk_lass - nothing wrong with a good walk DD2 was good as gold although she is absolutely miserable at the moment. She has had signs of an ear infection for a sustained period (been to the GP multiple times, had a course of antibiotics). I suspect that the eardrum has burst now - nasty discharge has made a couple of appearances.

I am currently in the slough of despond. Feeling old enough to have aches and pains and to feel deeply frustrated with work BS, while being perfectly aware of the fact that I have another 18 years to go minimum. I haven't heard back from the jobs I've applied for, when I do manage to get my head into a work task it's pulled back out by a dozen other pointless things that require my attention and the last few weekends have been frankly a bit ****. It feels like life is basically work and chores, I have no enthusiasm for anything and am eating too much, as well as drinking too much booze What does everyone else do when it all feels like it's piling up?

£5 paid into LISA today (£6.25 after gummint bonus) - cashback from TCB and Ch@se, a wee Tilly Tidy from the Car Maintenance budget and a couple of pounds virement from the same source. Also paid £5 into my ISA from my personal spends account - I'd like to see if I can stick to making a weekly payment of a fiver in the hope of maybe bringing that target of 58 forward by a few months. It's pants being 39 and dreaming of retirement.

QueenJess

I'm sorry to hear this.  I also currently hate my work and am only 2 years older than you.  I think escape to another job has to be the answer in the medium term and in the short term do anything to make the work more bearable.

For day to day, it sounds silly, but try to find 1 tiny thing to look forward to everyday.  It can be as simple as sitting down for 30 mins to watch a programme you love, having a square of your favourite chocolate, reading your child their favourite book, spending a quality 10 mins just chatting to a friend/your wife or going for a 10 min walk in the middle of the day.  Literally anything!  It is helpful to get yourself through the day and I find if I have something I really look forward to (even if a piece of cake etc later), then I don't overindulge on other things like booze/chocolate in the day and looking forward to something gives me a bit of purpose to keep me going.  Personally, I am looking forward to sinking into a chair this evening with a piece of hm lime and raspberry drizzle cake and also reading more of James and the Giant Peach to my son... takes me back to when I used to read it.

Suffolk_lass

I build an escape plan. I don't necessarily deploy it, but having a plan B in development helps me. 

I also like that a former Chairman of the Government body I worked for, explained that a today-to-do-list should only realistically have 5 things on it. Over informal meetings (lunches, coffee) with staff he would explain how uplifting it is to achieve the 5 things on your list (and we are not talking "achieve world peace") and how exhilarating it is, if you exceeded. And also to look for the reasons you may not achieve your five things, should that happen, so that these things can be mitigated.

It sounds to me as though you need to book a room at work so that you can work without interruption. Latterly, my organisation had single desk glass booths for private 1-2-1 discussions (when the "2" was in a different office) and sitting in one with headphones on and do not disturb; in a meeting on your devices, with only the application or paper you are working on, open, is a great way to focus. Moving your lips periodically persuades all but the most ignorant that you must not be interrupted.

For me, that little piece of productivity seeded more healthy eating, a break with a five or ten minute interlude, even a short walk, will energise you to step forward to the next task.

As my old boss said, if five things is good enough for the Chairman, it should be good enough for us too.

daisy_1571

Ed, I remember those days.  Can I tell you my story please.

I remember my 30s. The constant nag of whatever.  In my case my nags were: an incredibly busy job and a focus on getting the mortgage away, feeling this was my life forever and CONSTANTLY feeling skint. 

We only had our 2 wages so once id done the payday shuffle that was it for a month.  I wasn't like you, able to make other money to pay off things each day.  It meant I spent hours playing on spreadsheets but in reality there was not much point putting in different figures and scenarios without the physical money to carry through all these what ifs.  I think it probably just made me feel miserable and under pressure and inadequate and etc etc.

For part of my 30s my job was so busy I didn't have the mental energy to look for another job let alone apply.  I was in payroll with a 30 to 40 minute each way commute, deadlines throughout the month, staff that needed training, a constant turnover of casuals which increased everyones workload and a hard line manager who told me one day when I broke down in tears at getting told to add another task on that the reason I was getting so stressed was because I was trying to do a good job.  Trying to do a good job?  I was in charge of over 5000 people's salary.  Of course I was trying to do a good job!  I still occasionally wonder what part of my job I was supposed to stop doing or trying to do.

Every day was the same.  I would be doing something, get interrupted, get interrupted from that, get interrupted from that, get interrupted from that then try to work my way back to what I was doing before each interruption whilst dealing with new interruptions.  Then a new payroll system was getting brought in so there was constant overtime for 18 months (a novelty for civil service).  I got to the stage that if I had a day off (ie a sunday) I felt guilty I wasn't at work.  I literally had no idea what to do with myself on a full day at home.  That was my life for 5 years.  Looking back I don't know how me or my marriage survived.  If I got in and Mr daisy asked me what I wanted for tea I would explode.  I simply couldn't cope with getting asked one more question. 

In my case what helped was we got a dog.  The best flipping dog in the world.  Suddenly I HAD to be home for him.  I HAD to go walks.  I wanted those things more than I wanted to fix my very broken workplace.  I realised, it was broken before I got there and if all the time, knowledge, effort, hours and tears of me over
5 years had merely kept it going backwards slighly less fast, I wasn't going to suddenly fix it in the next 2 weeks. 

I tried compressed hours over 4 days however on the 5th you are only really recovering from the long hours on the other 4 days. But at least I was having a day midweek and a full weekend at home.  That helped me but they put a stop to that because 'somebody might want to ask you a question' on my Wednesdays off.  Thats when I took the final mental disconnect from the loyalty I felt (towards my staff, the people I paid and my job, not management - they'd lost my loyalty a long time before).  I was lucky and shortly after that through bizarre coincidences found the hr dept of a building just along the road from my home.  I contacted them and unbelievably they had a current vacancy that I was suited for and within about 8 weeks I was there.  Short commute, easier job (compared to what I'd gone through) and, as with all civil service departments, now I was 'novel'.  I went for promotion a year after I got there and because my examples were about things the new department had no knowledge of they accepted it at the proper face value (in your own department such things are usually ignored or downplayed as 'well thats just your job') so I gained the promotion.   A little more money helped the mortgage then after a few more years I went properly part time.  I only dropped 5 hours but a full Wednesday off every week.  Wonderful. 

Sorry.  Very long story to show that sometimes something just drops into place at the right time.  From being in the depths of despair at 37/38ish, 'knowing' I'd never pay off the mortgage (and there was no money to save extra into a pension so we never did), I got a package that allowed me to retire at 50 (with a reduced pension obv) and I retrained into a passion-job I loved for 5 years.  A package never appeared for mr daisy so he ended up retiring at 55 with a reduced pension and we now live more rural and run our holiday cottage to get a little extra income.  We live more simply as we have less money but we live happily.

Focusing, as we mse folks do, on the future and 'we must pay off x, we must save y, we have to invest z' can be empowering but it can sometimes be very very exhausting.   We will never earn enough and never save enough.  According to this forecast, we need that.  This pays quarter of a percent more than that.  But what about if this happens.   Or that happens. We need to start now as every year lost is blah blah blah Ad infinitum.  Exhausting. 

Sometimes you just have to stop.  Get away from the spreadsheet.  Get away from the minutiae.   Stop putting a fiver somewhere weekly, put £20 in once a month and think of other things the rest of the month.  Trust that time will whisper by and finances (and the financial decisions you have made and will make) will take care of themselves.   You will manage on the pension that is monthly building up.  That mortgage will get paid gradually off.  Life adjusts year by year.  It won't all be done quickly.   Get rich slowly (if you remember that blog).

You are so lucky to have your girls to ground you rather than me and my dog.   Yes they cost money and you want to see them set up for the future too but remember they will grow and take care of that themselves, for themselves.   So give yourself a break for a year or two, you are adjusting to life as 4, these early years are hard and if at the end of the week everyone is reasonably clean, mostly fed and you've had a few nights of sleep, as I understand it...... you are doing just fine.

Breathe Ed, breathe.  It will be OK

Daisy xx

Ps sorry, that turned epic.  I'm just trying to tell you what I wish my 57 year old self could have told my 37 year old self. Those 20 years seemed to stretch awaaaaaaaay into the future for past-me, but they've have gone by quick for now-me.  I don't have many regrets in life but maybe, if I get my time again, i won't spend so many hours fiddling with spreadsheets and worrying.  I'll just potter quietly in my house and garden more with mr d and wonderful daisydog. 

themadvix

Wonderful post Daisy! 

I have no advice Ed (but think that Daisy’s is excellent), but do know you’re not alone - Mr MV is also struggling with the misery of work at the moment. I think the pandemic has brought out a huge increase in expectations from employees with little in exchange (apart from some remote working for some) and combined with the shortage of workers, there has been a massive increase in pressure.

daisy_1571

thanks madvix,  I came back on to reread and make sure my ramble made a bit sense.  Hopefully it helps everyone know we are not alone when it sometimes feels terribly lonely. 

I did almost 30 years in civil service, had good jobs, had terrible jobs, awful managers, good team mates and staff, awful team mates and staff.  Stupid rules, awful deadlines, imposed dress codes, managers that seemed to delight in making life unnecessarily difficult. One twinkly eyed district manager delighted in phoning round on xmas eve hoping to catch out a helpful staff member advising members of the public to come in early as we may close early then get the office manager to reprimand them.  New managers or new initiatives meant going back to working practices previously dumped by the then new managers or initiatives.  Was turned down for jobs or for promotions then had to train and help the person who got the job - cause they were the novel one.  Mr d had the same for 35 years.  Somehow we kept going.  At times as I turned the door handle to go in I wondered what the h I was doing, voluntarily going in each day when I should have been running for the hills for the sake of sanity.  But there were also good times, good colleagues, good jobs. I knew I was doing decent jobs in various departments.   Not saving lives, but jobs that were worthwhile.   I know my experience was and is replicated up and down the country in civil service,  local government, councils, any large employer. 

To anyone reading this in the same position - you will get out the other side.  Keep going, find small moments and delights as suffolklass and queenjess suggest and try to find time to look at what else you could do.  Be a good colleague to others struggling, or at least don't be another problem to them lol.  If there's genuinely nothing else you can do at the moment, at least for the time being, focus on that monthly salary, monthly pension contributions - one day your future self will be paying off that mortgage, collecting that pension and you'll be grateful you stuck out the bad times. 

Dxx

Staffordia

Daisy those are two amazing posts, full of wisdom.  I hope they resonate with Ed and others.   

daisy_1571

Thanks staffodia,  I just wanted to show how my life changed beyond what I ever thought it would.   But I remember how hard a slog it was

Dxx

LadyWithAPlan

Very inspiring Daisy and wise.

@edinburgher I find I have to stop and take time to congratulate myself on my finished goals such as your  amazing CC pay off, rather than just leaping into the next set of tasks and life goals. As otherwise I get too stressed and then don't enjoy the process of life. Exercise - even if its a brisk walk really helps ground me as well

I remember Kobe Bryant saying  upon his retirement speech  to recognise you are living your dream when every day you do the work to get you to where you want to go (its the 13.10 onwards in his retirement speech)

"Those times when you stay up late and you work hard; those times when don’t feel like working — you’re too tired, you don’t want to push yourself — but you do it anyway. That is actually the dream. That’s the dream. It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. And if you guys can understand that, what you’ll see happen is that you won’t accomplish your dreams, your dreams won’t come true, something greater will."

savingholmes

@daisy_1571 Fantastic posts - thank you. 

Good luck Ed - we're all with you... and I'm a few years on from you with a big to me mortgage... we can only do what we can do... Like Daisy and probably yourself I spent far too much time on money related things... but really the heavy lifting will be done by my pensions....